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    Twitter is a fascinating internet medium where anyone can communicate with anyone! In this case: Vanderbilt's offensive line coach and a Tennessee fan who said nasty things about that coach's family.

    This has been your daily check-in with the mental state of the SEC. (Status: still utterly insane.)

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  • 05/21/13--07:36: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/21/2013
  • 151128905

    THE MEANEST OF THE MEAN. We were talking about this field goal yesterday, so now we're going to talk about it to remind you that Paul Johnson is a mean sonofabitch.

    Please remember that this field goal was technically against the rules, and involved a confused saunter to the line by the field goal unit before Demaryius Thomas stepped onto the field late and just over the boundary, and then casually trotted out uncovered for a TD. Confused Dabo Swinney, you are our favorite visual mantra, especially on a play that turned out to be pretty important in an eventual 30-27 Clemson loss to Georgia Tech. (Perhaps he was thinking of East Bogo Community College and their potent offense at the time.) (Let's find out who East Bogo Community College is.)

    NEVER SLEEP ON EAST BOGO COMMUNITY COLLEGE. Our google alerts must be malfunctioning, because we swore we had alerts for all EBCC football news.

    "When you only have 12 games and you work hard for those 12, it doesn't matter who the name is, whether it's Pitt or East Bogo Community College," he said.

    That's Dabo Swinney, respecting the crap out of East Bogo Community College, which is secretly the state's designation for Pitt and their football team. (It is also the kingdom Dabo rules over in his mind.)

    A SEVEN YEAR DOWNWARD TREND WITH ONE REALLY BIG SPIKE. The trend at Auburn over the past seven years has been horrendous save for that one Cam Newton-sized leap to a title in 2010, so Bill C says not to expect miracles immediately from Gus Malzahn. Another fun note: Auburn fans can honestly say they had the least successful passing game in the country last year, mostly because numbers and facts back them up on that statement. (P.S. Alabama fans, go ahead and say Nick Saban's responsible for that seven year trend, ignore 2010, and then do a country jig atop a pile of expensive broken crystal.

    UTEP HAS CUSTARD. Eddie Custard, just one of the many people on the Miners' roster who will have to cry, laugh, and mostly cry through Sean Kugler's first season as UTEP's head coach. Jameill Showers is their quarterback, though, if you'd like to see an SEC-quality quarterback transfer from TAMU run for his damn life most of the year.

    EVERYONE IS NOT IN FACT GOING TO USF. Showers became the 38th quarterback to not transfer to USF along with Arkansas' Brandon Mitchell, who joins Dave Doeren's new staff at NC State. USF still needs a quarterback, and also any snacks you'd like to send along because some people love transfer quarterbacks, but everyone loves snacks.

    ETC: Well, sure, that's a necessary editor's note on a story about killer robots.

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    Derrick Thomas is not in the college football Hall of Fame. He's the single season record holder for sacks with 27 in a season, a legend at the University of Alabama, and as an NFL all-timer cannot possibly be considered a hipster's pick for any plaudits, awards, or posthumous laurels. He's Derrick Thomas, known football monster. Famous enshrinement's already happened for him: in 2009, the NFL inducted him in the Hall of Fame.

    He is not in the College Football Hall of Fame. His friend and teammate Cornelius Bennett is outraged, and in one sense, should be. Thomas was one of the most dominant players of his generation, and a defensive overlord at a school with a very high standard for what constitutes a terrifying defender. If a College Hall of Fame were to ever mean anything, then Derrick Thomas would be in it.

    And he might well be in it one day, and that's nice. His family will get a nice day out of it, and someone will be paid to make commemorative artwork. What won't change is the incongruity of college football and the idea of a Hall of Fame--that this sport, 120 teams plus wide and over a century deep at just the FBS level, much less further on down the FCS strata, should ever pay attention to something that claimed any authority over what was considered great.

    Jack Trice isn't in the Hall of Fame, either. Read about him yourself here. He wrote this the day before playing Minnesota on October 6th, 1923.

    My thoughts just before the first real college game of my life: The honor of my race, family & self is at stake. Everyone is expecting me to do big things. I will. My whole body and soul are to be thrown recklessly about the field tomorrow. Every time the ball is snapped, I will be trying to do more than my part. On all defensive plays I must break through the opponents' line and stop the play in their territory. Beware of mass interference. Fight low, with your eyes open and toward the play. Watch out for crossbucks and reverse end runs. Be on your toes every minute if you expect to make good. Jack.

    Jack Trice died from injuries sustained while playing Minnesota. They named the stadium after him, and it is still named after him. There are a lot of negative side effects from the way college football is built, but one nice side effect is the locality, the patchwork of little half-remembered histories lurking at every destination like Jack Trice Stadium, still the home of Iowa State football today.

    There's no outrage in the idea that someone can't get into the Hall of Fame. The real outrage is assuming anyone would try and fit the whole thing in one place at all.

    P.S. We repeat: Howard Schnellenberger can't get in, either. To hell with any party that won't let Howard in the door.

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    The great radio silence has ended: Paul Finebaum, the troll-god of SEC sports radio, will begin a new "multi-tiered" media deal with ESPN starting August 1st. Finebaum, a longtime stalwart of the Birmingham sports scene, will move to Charlotte as part of an upcoming role on the SEC Network and a larger role on ESPN's television broadcasts.

    Finebaum may not be familiar to a broader national audience, so I'll help with a few comparisons.

    Imagine a more demure Colin Cowherd. Now take him and give him a pinpoint focus on college football, and half the number of words he uses. Take those long pauses, and fill them with phone calls taken from the lunatic fringe of Alabama college football fans expressing opinions several standard deviations from anyone's definition of sanity. Let the callers string themselves out as far as entertainment value will take them, and sometimes combine with other callers for on-air bareknuckle brawls.

    This description makes Paul Finebaum sound like a mental health nurse who makes patients fight for his amusement, and then collects a good share of the bets as bookie. That would not be inaccurate, though ESPN PR's "moderator-slash-provocateur" is a kinder, slightly less accurate description of what he does.

    Like Mike Francesa, he is a regional talk presence with some national reach. Unlike Mike Francesa, he has never fallen asleep on air, and knows something about college football. Profiles have been done on him by prestigious national publications, and with reason: he is something of a big deal, and at its best, the show's anarchy is addictive and required listening.

    Finebaum's time on air in Birmingham is most notable for the Harvey Updyke case, where an Alabama fan called the show to boast of poisoning the iconic Toomer's Corner oaks at Auburn, Alabama. Finebaum has also made television appearances on programs like Outside the Lines, where he berated Bomani Jones for badmouthing "the South" despite Jones being from Houston, Texas and attending Clark Atlanta University.


    Terms of Finebaum's undoubtedly lucrative five year contract with ESPN, which laid off hundreds of workers Tuesday, were not disclosed.

    More from SB Nation:

    Bill Connelly previews Auburn: Please be patient, Tigers fans

    Detroit Lions bowl game replacing Little Caesars

    Oklahoma State’s insane transfer restrictions list

    Johnny Manziel’s greatest Alabama-trolling yet

    National recruiting coverage

    Today’s college football news headlines

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  • 05/22/13--07:06: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/22/2013
  • 201210127_kdl_sg8_256


    It's a horrendous line reading, but on the curve of Florida football coaches and ad appearances, Will Muschamp is clearly miles ahead of Urban Meyer here. Not bad performances by the kids, though none approach the dramatic heights of the Ol' Ball Coach himself. (No mortal can. #clickclack)

    ALSHON JEFFERY'S INVISIBLE YEARS. Someone please insure that every college football assistant is granted a free edition of Photoshop, and then make sure they are trained just enough to use it very, very poorly, because this is the golden age of things like the floating ghost of South Carolina Alshon Jeffery.

    THE DREADED GLEN MASON REFERENCE. Bill C. says Mississippi State isn't in Glen Mason territory yet with Dan Mullen, but that plateauing is a hard conclusion not to reach when looking at their trajectory going into 2012. #sadclanga

    NOT MADE IN OHIO NOPE. Ohio would not be the first state we'd openly label as "not being part of the United States," but we do not have the refined sensibilities of a Michigan Man. That state would be South Carolina, which is clearly a chunk of Hispaniola that popped loose and just stuck to the sides of Georgia and North Carolina one day.

    HE COULD WRITE THIS EVERY OTHER DAY. Patrick Hruby is either a masochist or well okay he's a masochist, and the proof is being willing to document every single stupid/hypocritical/asinine thing the NCAA does every day. It's a big job, but someone has to do it.

    TOLEDO ROCKETING AWAY FROM SOBRIETY. Toledo is considering becoming really cool and selling beer at games. There may be profit motive to this, but mostly it's about the ladies and being cool.

    ETC: Sure, Urban Meyer's seems accurate. TV. TV? TV! Watch TV. Sports. Sports. Television? TV.

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    John Heisman knows a thing or two about relationships, having endured a divorce so nasty he had to leave the city of Atlanta and his job at Georgia Tech in 1919. He's here to answer your questions about relationships, sex, and other frivolities you will soon cut out of your life if you know what's good for you.

    Dear John,

    My husband and I have a happy marriage for the most part. One area we disagree on is our finances, though. He spends money on things like nights out with the boys drinking, and never blinks. Yet when I want to buy something modest for myself--a new dress, or a spa weekend, something like that--he explodes and says I spend too much money!

    He's a good man. But this double standard is creating tension in our marriage, and I've had just enough of it.

    Frustrated in Fredericksburg

    Your husband is wise. Liquor is an investment; its dividend is the oblivion of the gutter. This is more payoff than 99% of life's swindles offer, so denigrate its honesty at your own credibility's risk.

    Dresses and jewelry, however, are but the camouflage for a soldier of the heart. That soldier has one job: to hunt a man, find his weakness, and then strike in the depth of the cold night without mercy.

    You should be allowed a certain budget for these martial decorations, harpy. Five dollars a year should be sufficient. Spend it on trinkets and baubles to shine in the dark while your man seeks happiness in the bright caress of the saloon. It shall be the most faithful lover he shall ever know.

    Kansas City is a clerical error built on the compound interest charged by ignorance. That is unrelated but true.

    To the next piece of poorly scrawled, half-literate correspondence:

    Dear John,

    My wife is pressing me for child support. I love my children, but I'm having a hard time paying my own rent, much less the exorbitant payments the court demanded I pay per month. Any advice on how to preserve my relationship with my children while getting some relief from my ex-wife?

    -Strapped in San Antonio

    You gave them life. Provided you have shown them how to fire and clean a pistol and have scowled at them when they displayed emotion, your obligations to them have been discharged. I repeat the advice given to me by my own father: Florida for bankruptcy, Bolivia for disappearance, and death in Mexico.

    Dear John,

    I'm a very religious person, and am in a dedicated relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am also in a committed relationship a beautiful young woman. I am trying to be chaste but it is very difficult, and marriage will not be possible for several years.

    Do you have any advice on maintaining a balance between my duties as a Christian? And is kissing permitted, at the least?

    --Torn in Tucson

    My only advice is to cease this fabrication of a letter. There are no virgins in Arizona. Do not pester me with your lies any further, Mr. Torn.

    If this letter is sincere: consummate this relationship immediately with fornication and appropriate payment. $3.75 and no more should be sufficient in the Arizona territories. Do not kiss: it is unsanitary, and could lead to fatal oral diseases.

    Dear John,

    I'm a bachelor (and happily so), and recently a coworker of mine and his wife not-so-subtly indicated that they'd like to involve me in their amorous activity. I've never tried anything like that, but should I even consider it given that I work with this man? If I go through with it, any logistical pointers?

    - Three And Out, Boston

    Three And Out, your libertine co-workers are a disgrace to the institution of marriage. When you are married, you betroth yourself and the body which is your temple to the other party and the other party alone. It is a sacred bond, and one between a man and a woman unbroken by the distractions of lust and others outside the marriage.

    Fortunately for you, marriage is a lie. Do it. If you should find yourself in the Embrace of the Parisian, and playing the role of Fortunate Pierre, press through. It is unfortunate, but only half as shameful as the roles of the Confused Marcel or Superfluous Celine in the arrangement.

    Take no precautions--courage is the greatest and only true prophylactic.

    Dear John,

    I'm diabetic, and--

    I ceased reading your letter immediately, and burned it in a fire of great intensity. Away from my untainted touch, sugar urine vampire.

    Dear John,

    I'm dating a beautiful lady. She is a widow, and has two children as a result of her previous marriage. We will be living together as one family soon, and I am worried. Do you have any advice for entering their family without disrespecting the memory of their father?

    First reassure these children that their father is dead. Remind them that death is forever, and that forever means they will never, ever see him again--not here, and not in some honeyed fairy land dairy farm of the imagination. Begin every interaction this way; it will establish the present as a life-priority, and you as a trusted truth-teller.

    Second, put them to work in a place of industry immediately. Textile mills require the tiny skilled hands and boundless energy of youth. Should they lose either, the mines await. Grant them ten percent of their wages in summer, and fifteen in winter for shoes and pants.

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  • 05/23/13--07:08: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/23/2013
  • Hypnobaumsaban

    ROLL MUGSHOT TIDE. When you get arrested for faking an abduction, the proper choice is the pink national championship shirt. It signals femininity AND strength. That may seem like a hard charge to beat, but fortunately a simple presentation of the image above to an Alabama jury will inspire total subservience, and lead to you walking away from the courtroom a free and happy lady. Roll hypnotized jury Tide.

    THAT'S NAMED AFTER SOME OTHER DUDE NAMED TEBOW. EA left Tim Tebow's name in the playbook for NCAA 2010, or at least used someone else's name that is also spelled "T-E-B-O-W," and they're losing this court case.

    RAEKWON OUTS URBAN AS AN ASS MAN. Back that ass up, son, cause that bubble screen you got has Urban Meyer SPRUNG.

    "HE'S ALREADY CONQUERED THE SEC." Oh, sure. You wouldn't think Johnny Manziel would transfer, you, just sittin' on TexAgs in your comfy chairs. But you're seeing the raindrops while Dan on Fire sees the whole thunderhead, man.

    CHARLIE WEIS GOT IT ON DISCOUNT. The MAC's leading receiver in 2012 might be eligible to play immediately for the Kansas Jayhawks if he gets his degree and plays as a graduate transfer. Nick Harwell, booted from Miami (OH) after borrowing his girlfriend's car for a bit too long this spring, joins the Val-Pak Juco Transfer project at KU, and we hope Charlie Weis realizes you cannot flip a college football program for profit. (Charlie Weis built all this recessed lighting, and oh god why is the ceiling smoking--)


    ETC: Oh, man, the story behind the Oklahoma hug photo is amazing. Fuck off, science, we don't want to know how things actually work or wouldn't.

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    The 2012-2013 Memphis Grizzlies are down two games to none to the San Antonio Spurs, and in danger of receding into the annals of the NBA's long history of fascinating, but not quite great basketball teams. Like an intrepid wildlife photographer documenting a vanishing species in the wild, Lee Jenkins of Sports Illustrated captured the Grizzlies in full rampage against the Oklahoma City Thunder. His work in the field is science; it deserves study, and careful appreciation.

    A few things just need to be highlighted here before we move on to letting the Spurs, the Dad Squad of basketball teams, walk away with the Western Conference title.

    1. Zach Randolph is planning to go to nude beaches in Spain. And purring about it, per Jenkins. If you hear about a man being mistaken for a bear on the beaches of Ibiza this summer, it will be Zach Randolph. Spectral horror novels will be written about that moment; women will become pregnant on sight, and conceive mighty children fed on grit, grind, and the finest jamon of the region.

    2. He heard about them from Marc Gasol. This dramatically increases the chances that Marc Gasol has been on a beach naked at one point in his life, and you are picturing this. You are picturing this, and hopefully just seeing a giant clump of blurry pixels topped with Marc Gasol's head. If not, there is a bottle of scotch in your boss's office. Hit it right now, hit it hard, and do not ask permission or forgiveness.

    3. Tony Allen walks into practice muttering Future lyrics and tearing open energy bars with his teeth. This is how I've always imagined Tony Allen doing everything, anyway: signing contracts with bite marks, driving by holding the steering wheel with his teeth, greeting family members with affectionate nibbles. It's just nice to have it confirmed.

    4. The Cheesecake Factory would not exist without professional athletes. This isn't explicitly stated in the article. However, at least half of the Grizzlies' roster enjoys eating there, and this goes in the mounting pile of evidence that the restaurant survives exclusively off the $500 tabs of athletes in their early 20s with large contracts, huge appetites, and a firm definition of "one shovelful" as a proper serving size for food.

    5. This:

    Randolph provided the levity, glancing up at the arena's LED ribbon and noticing an ad for an upcoming concert. "Hey," he blurted, "Beyoncé is coming!"


    [/Z-Bo does "Single Ladies" dance while Tony Allen gnaws on the backboard in frustration]

    6. Zach Randolph uses rapper Yo Gotti's barber and has for a decade. No big deal, just Z-Bo flying a rapper's barber all over the country at great expense for at least five or six years because he can't go out on the court unless he feels right from looking right. Randolph stopped doing this when he was traded to Memphis, the home of the barber and his home shop. Penny Hardaway is the co-owner. THIS IS ALL SO MEMPHIS AS HELL. Barbecue sauce should be oozing from the USB port on your computer right now.

    I didn't even mention ten percent of the Grizzlies greatness in the article. Read it. Appreciate it, and appreciate the Grizzlies for what they are: our nation's finest collection of human beings, and the grizzly bear walking on its hind legs named Zach Randolph who has stolen the hearts (and picnic baskets) of a nation.

    P.S. Nekkid Z-Bo eatin' tapas on la playa. It's gonna happen, and it will be an international incident.

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  • 05/23/13--13:13: WHAT'S INDIANA HIDING?
  • 9781905172313

    What secrets are you hiding, Indiana? What could you be holding back that would get Indiana football insiders so very excited?

    • A potato
    • A potato that plays basketball
    • A cyborg made of solid mayonnaise
    • A touchdown
    • The team's new signature cologne, "Antwaan Randel Smell"
    • An edited version of last year's Ohio State-Indiana game edited (poorly) to look like IU won

    • Fresh fruit
    • The new Train live album
    • a bowl full of ice cubes made of frozen milk and sprinkled with cupcake garnish
    • Free copies of an amazing book about Tom Crean
    • A small scale model diorama of Indiana, filled with tiny living replicant Indianans, all alive until you crush them and kill them in real life and in the model, and no Kevin Wilson stop what are you doing you absolute monster--
    • Brian Kelly's dick. We finally found it, guys. It's Brian Kelly's dick.
    • A garage sale. Not even a good one. This Spirograph is broken I'll give you three bucks TOPS.

    • A piece of Peyton Manning in a petri dish that has developed the ability to beat most humans at chinese checkers

    • Just some sensible neutral carpeting in the team offices. Nothing special, but a real value. And with StainPrevent!

    • it's just a segway. no one in Indiana has ever seen one before

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    Just the mayor of Memphis, the Grizzlies' mascot, and an Elvis impersonator on a boat because...well, because Memphis. (via My Fox Memphis)

    Tipoff with the Spurs is 9:00 p.m. Eastern Time on Saturday, but feel free to "grit, grind, and shine" before then, during the game, or at any time you wish, really. The chances of that boat being seaworthy, or inspected by a qualified mechanic in the past ten years? Zero point never, y'all.

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  • 05/24/13--08:28: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/24/2013
  • 20130430_ajl_so6_063

    SURE THAT'S ONE REASON. AA's summary of things to be excited about is beyond inclusive, but leaves out this delight: the Miami game will kick at noon-thirty in Miami on September 7th in shade-free Sun Life Stadium. Someone's getting sunstroke, and it's not going to be Al Golden because his sweat is a natural sunscreen, and oh boy there's plenty of it to go around. (This is the only explanation for Al Golden not getting skin cancer yet, because otherwise he appears to be on the verge of heat-death every second he coaches for the 'Canes.)

    RIP, JIM ZABEL. The man whose voice accompanied some of Iowa's most miserable football moments in addition to the Hayden Fry renaissance is dead at 91, and remembered well and fondly.

    MARK DANTONIO IS A CAREFULLY CONSTRUCTED CHEMICAL REACTION. Confirmation that no one hires Mark Dantonio because they like him. They hire Mark Dantonio because it is science, and you need a corrosive catalyst to make certain chemical reactions happen (like a sustained chain of successful seasons at Michigan State, something far more difficult to achieve than most football scientists will acknowledge.)

    ADMIRABLE RESTRAINT. That's what Paul Myerberg displays here by not just outright calling Illinois' football team "total bullshit" in his preview of them.

    KELLER CHRYST. He's a top recruit, and that's delightful because we really enjoy the idea of saying the name "Keller Chryst" a lot.

    KICKSTART GOOD THINGS. Penn State people: if you want a fantastic preview mag, then kickstart said preview mag and make good things happen.

    ETC: "A rough day"is one word for that, sir. Oooh, the new Goodie Mob has Janelle Monae on it, and it is thumpy. The Grizzle have the mayor of Memphis on a boat with Elvis, and that can't end well. THE AMAZING BILLY JOEL. This is the biscuit menu for Tudor's Biscuit World, and your lunch is about to be ruined by envy.

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    Y'all gotta get all on Nick Saban and what he does with recruitin'. Why? The man's got enough goin' on without you getting all up his butt about who's got a scholarship offer, and when they have it, and how many are in that class, and other such dumbass questions the media wants to ask about Alabama recruiting.

    Like everything else about Alabama, we're gonna have to explain it to the haters. There's a process. That process looks like this. It's simple: either Alabam's slightly possibly definitely interested in you, or they ain't. If they ain', Hugh Freeze wants to talk to you.

    But Coach Freeze, I'm not even a football player! Well, we don't understand it either, but Mississippi has always been touched by the angels. (Or at least just "touched.")

    Here it is.


    Simple, to the point, and as clear as shine in the jar. Either Alabama's interested in you, or they ain't, and if you don't like it well you can always go share your feelings with Pastor Richt in Athens. He hugs people, we've heard, and if that's your idea of manhood you can go there. We're not gonna waste your time, and neither will Cullman Liquidation or Alabama football.

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  • 05/29/13--08:14: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/29/2013
  • Gyi0060185308


    Alabama's officially at 85 with the departure of QB Phillip Ely, who will be headed to Toledo to find both playing time and that horcrux Nick Saban left there as a young head coach. You forgot that Nick Saban coached at Toledo? Oh, let's remind you of that, and how he used to look like every CIA ops officer ever depicted in any movie ever. (See: here.)


    ALSO APPLAUSE FOR: Actual applause, since Bob Stoops is just out in Moore, OK with a shovel helping clean up the mess the tornado left behind, and doesn't really care if anyone notices or not.

    PASSING MAKES YOU SOFT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. We dunno, Mack, there's been some demoralizing things about facing run-first teams, but there's also really demoralizing things about facing a team you can't stop from making completions on "Stick" twenty times a game, too.

    JUST SURVIVE OCTOBER. Bret Bielema's first October in the SEC could be heinous, but otherwise Bill C seems pretty happy with the hire and general trajectory of Arkansas. Hey, John L even settled his bankruptcy/fraud case! Everything's turning up hog this Wednesday.

    FILE NOT FOUND. Butch Jones claims Tennessee needs to do its part to "reinvigorate" the rivalry between Tennessee and Alabama, and we were not aware such a thing existed.


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    Mike Vrabel entering coaching has been a blessing to us all. Also, we're not going to argue with him. Mike Vrabel likes Gold Bond Powder, dip, Red Bull, low-maintenance haircuts, beef jerky, and hard-hitting football. If that ain't America, you can kiss his ass. His well-powdered, currently tingling from all that triple-action goodness'd ass.*

    *Do not ask Mike Vrabel what "triple-action" means unless you really want to know. It has nothing to do with football, and everything to do with your mother.

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    The Gazette (a fine Iowa news institution) got a hold of emails circulating around the Big Ten in advance of the proposed rule changes to recruiting practices earlier this year. The email chain confirms much of what you may have suspected about the Big Ten as a football conference: they are cheap, bad at communication, and horrified at what other conferences would do if allowed to spend money on scouting departments.

    Even Mark Emmert was taken aback by the sudden change of heart by the Big Ten. (Mark Emmert was more aware of what was going on here than the Big Ten. Consider where that puts the Big Ten on the awareness curve.) Big Ten institutions previously vetted the rule changes deregulating recruiting through "campus officials," and then changed their mind when the football coaches of the Big Ten suddenly understood that a.) those rules changes existed, and b.) this would open up spending on scouting staffs.

    Please note that the Big Ten saw this and started panicking about spending money, and Alabama and other SEC schools probably started rounding up office chairs, whiteboards, and scouting office space.

    Urban Meyer led the charge on this, and in terms of protecting his advantage in recruiting he would know as well as anyone in the Big Ten just how fast deregulation would happen in, say, an SEC territory. But something Kirk Ferentz actually said in the long discussion about recruiting regulations is what sticks in the eye like so many stray eyelashes:

    Several Big Ten coaches voiced their concerns publicly to the changes, including Iowa’s Kirk Ferentz, who said college athletics could become like Major League Baseball where the New York Yankees "start in the inside lane every year. They’ve got the biggest payroll."

    Kirk Ferentz, who is 19-19 in his last three years as coach, makes $3.8 million dollars a year, has a titanic buyout, a nasty habit of trying to get family members on the payroll, and gave the assistant of the year award to his strength coach just after he'd sent 13 players to the hospital with rhabdomyolysis. That Kirk Ferentz and his ungodly buyout are pleading poverty in the face of spending more on recruiting.

    In conclusion:

    In the weight room. In the community. In the email chain helping preserve the NCAA's insane superstructure of compliance investigators and specialists in the arcana of a morally bankrupt code of amateurism.

    P.S. The alternative: endorsing the free-reign swamp con-artist millionaire tactics of the SEC! No one said you could win in life, and if they did they were lying.

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    He does this weekly anyway, but making it a charity activity is a nice move, nonetheless. To compete with this, Bret Bielema is going to climb something tall and jump off it, like, you know, the high dive he does bitchin' cannonballs off of in his backyard. Someone please beer Bret Bielema before he has to do it himself, because it's past noon on the East Coast, bros.

    A ROBOT BENDING OVER AND FARTING AN ARTILLERY SHELL. Or an American Gladiators logo, if you want to say that's what the American Conference logo looks like.

    SEE, CLEARLY HE NEEDED THE STREET MEDICINES OF FLORIDA. Florida transfer and current Kansas Jayhawk Chris Martin is one of three charged in connection with a home invasion in Lawrence, Kansas. This will be part of a Fulmer Cupdate later, but we just imagine a home invasion in Kansas as being initially terrifying, and then sad when everyone realizes there's nothing to do at the next house, either.

    MOBILE NEVER LOOKED BETTER. Eventually A.J. McCarron will have the full torso tat-suit of a true Alabama Yakuza member.

    A MICHIGAN MAN HAS HIS OWN FONT. And names it "The Victors,"because of course they did.

    STRAWBERRIES ARE DELICIOUS, COACH. Pete Lembo on Twitter, just dispensing important culinary preferences.

    ETC: A bear, a plan, a Russia. Ballin' on $20 for a dinner for our by Hugh Acheson, lawya. Prancercise, yet another innovation from the state of Florida.

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    1. Les Miles begins to rappel from the roof of the 24 story One American Plaza in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He is set to begin rappelling at 2:04 p.m. to coincide with the safety plans of the Baton Rouge Fire and Rescue. Miles allows several minutes to run off the clock, pees off the backside of the building, exclaims "Makin' it hail!" and finally begins his descent at 2:12 p.m. Miles explains that he had a kidney stone, and thus was not merely making it rain.

    2. Miles scampers sideways, peers in office window of Carol Barnes, actuary. He writes a phone number on the glass in wax crayon. She blushes. Later, she will call this number at two in the morning and get a bleary Bret Bielema on the line hundreds of miles way in Arkansas. She will apologize and attempt to hang up, but Bielema stops her. "Wake the bear, feed the bear, lady." The two later enjoy a satisfactory exchange of affections in a Bossier City hotel room.


    3. Miles runs sideways across the face of the building yelling "MISSION IMPTOSSIBLE" before nearly yanking himself out of his harness and inflicting unimaginable torque on all five testicles.

    4. A winded and wincing Miles comes to a rest and enjoys a juice box and a twist of fresh fescue before continuing.

    5. Miles sets up a base camp and settles in for the night. He warns his companions that if the weather sets in, they may run out of food. When the food runs out the hunger sets in; when the hunger sets in, men become animals. His companions on the ledge are three pigeons and his invisible friend Marlborough, a mini-pony and special teams expert. Marlborough exclaims "OH HAIL NO, LES, I AIN'T GETTIN' PLAYED LIKE THAT, WODIE!" Marlborough may talk like a middle-aged white man's idea of a No Limit rapper. He also may be the first one eaten in a survival situation if he keeps up that kind of attitude.

    6. [Another wild run across the side of the building the next morning] [RIP Marlborough the invisible No Limit mini-pony]

    7. Miles comes to a crashing halt, again bruising all five testicles, but still smiling thinking about how Nick Saban would need a child-sized harness for rappelling. A tiny, tiny harness. He plays a game of Tic-Tac-Toe with an office worker at the window.


    He wins in predictable fashion.

    8. Miles "pops in on those bastards in accounting" but discovers an unblocked bathroom window, and a man just squatting down to relieve himself. "GO FOR TWO!!!" shouts Miles. He holds up one index finger as he says this.

    9. Miles begins floating upwards, buoyed by his immense chest and positive attitude.

    10. Les Miles, last heard muttering "Good day. Good breeze. Let's see where the zephyrs take us," floats eastward and upward across Baton Rouge. He is believed to be somewhere over southern Mississippi, marveling at the drainage patterns and waving to onlookers.

    0 0
  • 05/31/13--08:05: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/31/2012
  • Ku-medium


    Les Miles survived his charity rappel, but when an SEC coach dies basejumping to keep up with the ever-evolving recruiting demands of the college athlete, we'll say the tragedy really started at this moment. Which SEC coach is most likely to eat it trying an insane, ill-advized thrillsport just to keep up with the Joneses? Well, it'd be morbid and evil to say, so we won't fine it's probably Gary Pinkel trying to rollerblade.


    We're starting to think Bielema left Wisconsin because shit-talking in Arkansas requires no state permits and enforces no limits on daily hunting for people to talk said shit to, man.

    THAT MIGHT BE OPTIMISTIC. The Sporting News did put South Carolina at a lofty three, and that is a bit much expect from a team rebuilding its linebacking corps, losing Ace Sanders, and having to replace Marcus Lattimore at running back. Bill C. knew that before you did, but he usually does (about everything, really, but especially about football things.)

    KIRK FERENTZ DOLLAZ. You could buy many things with Kirk Ferentz money, including an island. What island? Um, like, one of the discount ones, but still an island.

    YESSIR. One year into the SEC, Kevin Sumlin is still intimidated, and has no idea how he's going to compete against Alabama HAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING YOU CAN KISS HIS ASS ON BOTH VICTORIOUS CHEEKS.

    FOR THE BRAVE AND STUPID ONLY. Gothlaw rewatched Arkansas/Auburn 2012 so you didn't have to, and no, don't ask why. Motivations only make the action seem stranger and less necessary.

    ETC: The final form of LeBron hasn't even been unveiled yet. The Megan-as-Sharon-Tate thing gains momentum.

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    1994 Recruiting Video from Hog Database on Vimeo.

    Today, we use the powers of Enhance! to look at the 1994 Arkansas football team's recruiting video, a slice of time from a moment in American history where a 5-5-1 Razorbacks team could retroactively finish first in the SEC West, and when a man could wear white designer overalls to a football game without people batting an eye. (Via)

    :38 There is a man in what appear to be white Z. Cavaricci overalls. This is 1994. There was no internet to tell you what was horrible. Someone literally had to point and laugh at you in person, and exclaim how horrendous the thing you were wearing was. That person no longer has a job thanks to the internet, and we are very sorry about that, Janeane Garofolo. That was a pretty great job.

    :41 Horse-collar! Woo pig potentially crippling tackling technique sooie! (Also totally legal back then.)

    1:20 I'm totally oblivious to remembering that Danny Ford actually coached at Arkansas thanks to a really confusing remix of Janet Jackson's "Alright." They describe Danny Ford's first squad as "finishing second in the SEC West in 1993."

    This is by record true, but only because the undefeated Auburn Tigers were on probation. Later, Alabama would have to forfeit those 1993 wins due to NCAA trouble. So correct yourself, Arkansas fans: THAT'S A WESTERN CHAMPIONSHIP FOR THE HAWGS. COUNT IT, BOYS. Danny Ford would be fired in 1997 after going 26-30-1. He still has a swimming pool shaped like the Clemson Tigers emblem in his backyard, though.

    2:13 This version of "Arkansas Fight", courtesy of the Fat Boyz producer. Or, if you believe Celebrity Hot Tub:

    The synth version of the fight song was originally planned for SUPER CALL THE HAWGS, a platform for the Super Nintendo system in which the player controlled a cartoon version of the Arkansas mascot as he tried to eat every piece of salami in the United States. After the project was abandoned, it would later be hastily reprogrammed and released as "Cool Spot."

    4:32 Arkansas the state has outdoors activities, and oh snap--



    5:30 Steve Atwater describes the football team as "the nucleus for the state of Arkansas." This makes Arkansas sound like an element. This makes me think about which element Arkansas is. This makes me think to start looking in Poisoner's Row, right there in period six. Polonium? Sure, Polonium works. (Calm down, Big Ten: you're the noble gases, and always have been.)

    6:14Jerry Jones sighting.


    That's pre-facelift Jerry Jones, back when he had a good bit of scotch-and-steakhouse weight on him and had just decided to put Barry Switzer in charge of a professional football team. He looked like this for another two years until he realized that he had actually put Barry Switzer in charge of the Cowboys, and then aged twenty years in one horrible night in Aruba. (P.S. Jerry Jones has never looked young.)

    7:30 Science said it was impossible to combine Ted Danson, Steve Guttenberg, and Tom Selleck into one person. Billy Ray Smith proved them wrong.

    8:45 Pat Summerall says he "learned to survive in a people world" at Arkansas. Pat Summerall rarely spoke of his childhood on Ostrich Island. When he did, Summerall usually broke down crying talking about how no matter how much they tried, the wings of that great bird can neither fly, nor hug a child in need of love.

    10:35 The video really starts to lose momentum at this point, and yet just when you thought it was going to peter out completely--


    Billiam Hawgerson Clintonbacon himself, right there in his McDonald's-chomping 1993 prime. It's not just "come to Arkansas, and possibly have the President cheer you on, son." It's "Come to Arkansas, where the President most likely to shotgun a few beers in the back of a convenience store in West Memphis with you will cheer you on. In fact, he's going to be doing that after the game anyway, so you should probably just come to play football at Arkansas."

    13:39 After showing some big nerdy blocks of computers and "computer terminals" open 24 hours a day -- and oh, let's just imagine what someone was posting from a public computer on USENET at 3 a.m. in the U of A labs in 1994 -- we get the closing pitch of the 1994 Arkansas football recruiting video.


    1994 Arkansas football: we've got food.

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    "Someone was saying to me, well, you know, Bret Bielema leaving … that was a blessing for Wisconsin and they knew it. Because he was under tremendous pressure. They didn’t like him. Barry Alvarez thought he was a thug. And he left just ahead of the sheriff."

    [beats play]

    Shawty wanna ride with Bert, ride with Bert

    We could get crunk, hop into this dirty Tahoe

    Shawty wanna ride with Bert, ride with Bert

    Let your hair down

    You say you want a thug don't be scared now

    My teeth are still grinnin, Bill Lynch's blood still in 'em

    All new cards, but a Bert is still winnin'

    I'm sixty point pimpin' on another team's home field

    Just did what the card said, "Bert you gotta keep it real"

    Your Twitter's pouty, my Twitter's rowdy

    These h8rs got Bert snoozin', you losin', he's outty

    Where those recruits at, I'm tryin' to take a blue chip home

    You got a friend? Can he run a 40 homie bring him on

    I'm tryin' to win a bowl, beat Bama, make some bacon promises

    I'm tryin' to thug this shit, so fuck a Barry Alvarez

    Let's go to a place you never won, that sounds fine

    Last time Hawgs won the Sugar Bowl was '69


    Shawty wanna ride with Bert, ride with Bert

    We could get crunk, hop into this dirty Tahoe

    Shawty wanna ride with Bert, ride with Bert

    Big Ten was too tame

    Link sausage round my neck, call me 2 Chainz...

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