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    We're also doing what we can to challenge Alabama, imagining Bill Snyder's go-to postgame celebration dance, and losing yardage behind Michigan's offensive line.

    Abrahams. As in Harold, a legendary distance runner and one of the main characters of Chariots of Fire. You can set almost anything to the film's theme and make it seem majestic, but once something is already disturbing, not even the majestic strains of Vangelis will salvage it.

    We speak of a smiling, jubilant Lord of Darkness, Nick Saban.

    It's like seeing your Dad smile over something that doesn't involve someone's misery, good landscaping, or a well-cooked hamburger. It's unnatural to the point of almost upsetting your whole worldview. (Almost: Alabama did beat LSU, and thus kept one of life's few constants unshattered.)

    Boredom. Let's push the issue of boredom with Alabama a bit. Because the first place people go when talking about the possibility of this team winning its third title in a row is how monotonous this can get for someone who is not an Alabama fan.

    Consider how good each part fits with the next and that Alabama can seemlessly switch blocking schemes to accommodate different types of runners. Stand in awe of their ability to function offensively for long stretches this season without a fully functional Amari Cooper and their consistency at quarterback under AJ McCarron. Bow to C.J. Mosley not for his physical prowess -- that's kind of a given with Alabama at this point -- but for his ability to teleport to wherever the ball is going on any given play. Consider the technique at every position, coached to a fine sheen, and so seamless that only supernatural talents like Johnny Manziel can upset the craftsmanship and force anything like a remotely competitive game.

    Contra. The counterpoint is that I turned off the game at the start of the fourth quarter because I know what happens when Alabama figures you out: they break your quarterback, flatten your defensive line, and then run roughshod over you with one of their five-deep tramplebacks until the clock expires. Until they were recently threatened with the revocation of their block seating, even Alabama students had a hard time sticking around until the end.

    You don't have a reason to, Alabama fan. You can comfortably revert to the status of lay Catholic college football fan. Economize your life by attending one game at football Easter (the LSU or Texas A&M game for Alabama) and then the SEC title game, the last real challenge before the erasure of some other team from a conference without a bumper crop of 300-pound men who can do backflips.

    Dial-a-play Better still, let's have Alabama take requests, Jon Bois-style, and start amusing us by playing with specific schemes and playcalls just to see if they can do it.

    • Have them run the wishbone for an entire game with McCarron at fullback.
    • Run a solid quarter out of the fake punt formation, with Mosley passing and running the ball.
    • Attempt free kicks at every opportunity possible.
    • Finish a game out of the run 'n' shoot with the punter at quarterback.
    • Install the A-11 at halftime and dare SEC officials to call it an illegal formation.
    • Do whatever that Princeton Three-QB Wing T is ... with the defense playing offense.
    • Consider running Statue of Liberty as a base play.
    • Use a Nerf Mega Vortex Howler football.
    • Imagine that someone had been red-carded and play with 10 men on defense.
    • Take knees starting in the mid-second quarter, just to see what happens (nothing).
    • Have Nick Saban hold and idly spin a sign for a local tax preparation service.
    • False start and sprint offside on every play.
    • Lateral the ball on EVERY PLAY.
    • Replace football with one-pood-weight kettlebell.
    • Replace Gatorade with buttermilk on a hot day.
    • Have T.J. Yeldon play an equal number of snaps for both teams.

    Enormity. A savant, as in Myles Jack, the UCLA linebacker who was the Pac-12 Offensive Player of the Week with six carries for 120 yards and a 66-yard touchdown. Jack also recovered a fumble in the end zone and had eight tackles, earning him the inaugural Private James Ramirez Award for Doing Everything.

    Fixed. Should you be the overly patient type who insists you need three years to fix a major program: Guz Malzahn not only has Auburn at 9-1 and ranked No. 7 in his first year as a head coach, he also took the 80th-ranked rushing attack from 2012 and has it at third in the nation. The Tigers ran for 444 yards against Tennessee and threw the ball just seven times, and somewhere in a hot tub sits Barry Switzer, feeling strange sensations he hasn't felt in years without the assistance of prescription medication.

    Grievances.

    It was nice of Dade County Bane to wear a necktie, even for a Miami team without Duke Johnson or the capacity to beat a Virginia Tech team previously incapable of piling up even the legal drinking age on the scoreboard. Against Miami, the Hokies had over 500 yards of offense and 42 points, because Frank Beamer really is half-bear. He eats his points in binges like a grizzly trashing someone's well-stocked hunting cabin.

    Hoke-a-mania. As bad as Michigan is right now, let it never be said that the effort on handoffs by Devin Gardner isn't, to use a very Brady Hoke word, tremendous.

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    In theory, you have to eat something to survive. You have to run the ball to be successful in football. What Michigan is doing right now is saying, "I have to eat something," and then chowing down on the rocks and inedible garbage surrounding them because, durr, "gotta eat some foods."

    "I Feel Fine." The first rock record to use feedback, the cause of Michigan president Mary Sue Coleman's odd, stilted speech at halftime of the Wolverines' game against Nebraska. That is a perfectly acceptable reason, though the effect is one dangerously close to the sound of a person eight shots deep and sinking.

    We are now talking about whether a college administrator was drunk or not at a football game because in 2013 this is preferable to talking about what happens at Michigan football games, where the drunkest thing there hasn't been drinking at all. It is the Michigan rushing attack. For the second straight game, they finished with negative yards rushing, though they did improve from -48 yards against Michigan State to a robust -21 yards against Nebraska. At this rate they should be above freezing and/or par in no time at all.

    Juxtaposition. Wyoming had more than 200 yards rushing against that same Nebraska defense. In fact, five teams have run for 200 yards on the Nebraska defense this year, with Illinois barely putting up 195. Purdue ran for 37 yards and still outrushed Michigan on Saturday. Gardner will be a toddling bag of human fragments molded into shape by braces, athletic undergarments, and supportive pads by the end of the season, and the Wolverines ground anemia is the reason.

    Killing. It's multiply entendre'd here, since it refers to Minnesota's four-game win streak, their eight wins total, a horrific pun on the coach's name, and the mash-out design of the team. If Stanford is the team where everyone is secretly a tight end waiting to happen, then Minnesota is now precisely what Minnesota should be: a herd of fullbacks at every position running heavily in a kind of organized tactical stampede. The Gophers' Ra'Shede Hageman is the clever exception, since he is actually two fullbacks playing inside a giant robot constructed to look like a human.

    Lindy Hop. The dance Bill Snyder does in the locker room to celebrate, perhaps while thinking of what he'll write to a toddler like Kliff Kingsbury at Texas Tech after politely dismissing the Red Raiders by a score of CODGER SWAG to COWBOY BEATNIK. "Beatniks are what they call them these days, yes?"he thinks, jigging happily into his office as he hands out Werther's butterscotches to his players.

    Morgantown.

    NERRRRRRRRRRDS. The animosity of one commentator to another is so ESPN's thing at this point, and is as contrived as hell, but I mean this: I think the entire cast of GameDay is seconds away from pummeling Paul Finebaum into a pile of hot-take-spewing human peanut brittle.

    That is real animosity, and not the amusing kind. They clearly resent having him on set, and it shows with genuine discomfort. Whether PAWWWLLLLL's good on television or not is almost beyond the point, since whatever he does clearly grates and discombobulates the normal flow of the show. A talking football puppet would be less disruptive, decidedly cheaper, and also more welcome.

    Opelika. Hell, just have Tammy from Finebaum's show on and watch how much better it works. (Because it would.) You'd think it would be David Pollack who swings first, but you're wrong. It's Desmond Howard, with the candlestick, in the GameDay bus, and we never, ever talk about it again after it happens.

    "Peace out." How Paul Chryst ended his postgame press conference, which seems like a very un-Paul Chryst thing to say, but then again he also did this in the locker room after beating Notre Dame.

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    I know what you're thinking: THAT'S AN INCREDIBLE FRUIT PLATE FOR PITTSBURGH. And yes, it really is. (Would be better, and definitely more Pittsburgh, if covered in french fries.)

    Quisquilious. Made of trash. Hey, Purdue got into the red zone for the first time in a calendar month, then scored! These words are placed next to each other for a reason!

    Rickets. The throwback WVU helmets might have befuddled anyone who has not seen the classic Simpsons episode "Who Shot Mr. Burns," but the explanation is simple. The logo dates back to the Robert C. Byrd Sunshield, a giant "protective" canopy over most of West Virginia designed to raise tax revenue.

    Westvirginiasunshield_medium

    The Byrd Sunshield was rejected on the basis of cost, and the several billion dollars of projected revenue were made up in part by the approval of beer sales inside West Virginia's football stadium.

    Smackover. One of the burlier names for a town in Arkansas, a state already capable of making any male resident grow additional chest hair and develop the ability to start roaring campfires with his mind. Doubt this, and then look at what the state has done to formerly clean-cut Arkansas State coach Bryan Harsin.

    Three and one in the Sun Belt so far in 2013, and no, no, you cannot shave that mustache, coach. That and the tree stand in the endzone in Jonesboro are your talismans. They cannot be destroyed without disturbing the balance of good humors surrounding Arkansas State football right now. (Add a Dollar General in the stadium and BECOME GODS, RED WOLVES.)

    Tillerswag. Joe Tiller made a cameo in the booth for the Fresno State-Wyoming game. He confirmed his status as the King of Old Dudes by revealing that a.) he liked trucks and owned three of them and b.) that he and Jack Elway used to drink brown liquor and talk about football. Then a football player nearly ran into a horse, and we're all glad we stayed up to watch a blowout in Laramie late on a fall Saturday evening.

    Uncle Ed. The kids have forgotten long-departed Dad and have now decided Uncle Ed is their new daddy at USC. The phrase "Ed Orgeron, actual head coach" could still happen at USC, or at least happen somewhere else when the very real and very good job Orgeron has done in spot duty is noticed elsewhere. His secret appears to be good catering, but whose isn't?

    USC plays Stanford this week and could complete a long circle of ruin in the Pac-12 thanks to an inspired run of junk-food fueled football. Dirty Eating: The Ed Orgeron Success Diet will arrive in stores early in 2014. (Ghostwritten by Mark Schlabach, of course.)

    Vetanda. Forbidden things, like putting Louisville over UCF in polls, as the Coaches Poll does despite a head-to-head win by the Knights over the Cardinals. The first explanation for this is ignorance, a legitimate gripe since coaches and their staffs happen to be very busy during the fall. The second is that no one likes George O'Leary, a legitimate gripe because "George O'Leary."

    Wobble. Jerry Kill can dance, too.

    WHAT CAN'T THIS MAN ACCOMPLISH?

    Xerarch. Growing in dry places, as in the Arizona State football program, still at 7-2 and poised to get a slot in the Pac-12 Championship Game. Their last three games are winnable -- Oregon State, at UCLA, and then at home for Arizona -- putting them within striking distance of a 10-win season, a Pac-12 title, and the Rose Bowl.

    You have now found a scenario where one can root for Todd Graham: in a bowl game against a Big Ten team, so that one could take a picture of a smiling Todd Graham holding the trophy, then mail it to virtuemonger Jim Delany.

    Yabbadabbadoo. Jibberishy phrase Art Briles likes to fire out when coaching his players against anyone, perhaps more than usual against Texas Tech this coming weekend. The Red Raiders can't defend, but they can score, and should at least keep the cardio up for Baylor prior to a November 23rd matchup in Stillwater with Oklahoma State.

    Zakuska. A snack, like the surprisingly good MACtion Tuesday night between four bowl-eligible teams and Wednesday night between 9-1 Ball State and the undefeated NIU Huskies.

    More from SB Nation college football:

    Week 12 schedule full of big conference games

    Why Stanford’s loss to Utah wasn’t THAT bad

    Fresno State, the disappointing BCS-buster

    Bowl projections: Bama-FSU and 34 other games

    Long reads: Has Baylor crafted the ultimate football offense?


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    WE COULD ALL BE TAJH BOYD

    The Fullcast's topic this week? Disasters, as in Northwestern's 2013 season, and that time we took yohimbe, and the following topics of immense importance.

    1. The time Jason Kirk fell off an ATV shirtless and broke a limb.
    2. How people make the terrible mistake of going to law school.
    3. A discussion of the brewing ten year war between Northwestern and Illinois.
    4. What is the perfect time to play a college football game?
    5. How Ed Orgeron has turned USC around through the magic of good catering.
    6. Why Tajh Boyd is the college football hero for thick bros, and is reclaiming the male form for all of us. (i.e. why we like him, i.e. because he is kind of fat.)
    Listen below, subscribe on iTunes, or download directly here.


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    UPDATE YOUR VERBIAGE ACCORDINGLY

    The following are presented by the council for review. These are proposed collective nouns for fanbases. While not encyclopedic, they do get a start on updating outdated verbiage we have used in the past and accommodate new standard usages. Again: we stress that not every team is covered. Additions and suggestions may be made in the comments.

    Alabama: an oversigningof Crimson Tide

    Auburn: a junta of Tigers

    Arizona: a dehydration of Wildcats

    Arizona State: a herp of Sun Devils

    Arkansas: a FOIA of Razorbacks

    Cal: a bafflement of Cal fans

    Fresno State: a probation of Bulldogs

    Stanford: a Jeroboam of Cardinal

    USC: an Abercrombie of Trojans

    Colorado: an evaporation of Buffaloes

    Connecticut: a punt of Huskies

    Florida: a destitution of Gators

    Florida Atlantic: a rail of Owls

    Florida State: an arraignment of Seminoles

    Miami: an embezzlement of Hurricanes

    UCF: a Chipotle of Knights

    Georgia: a Croakie of Bulldogs.

    Georgia Tech: an icosahedron of Yellow Jackets

    Hawai'i: an insomnia of Warriors

    Boise State: a pallidity of Broncos

    Illinois: a groupon of Illini

    Notre Dame: a sniveling of Fighting Irish

    Purdue: a Blart of Boilermakers

    Iowa: a hernia of Hawkeyes

    Iowa State: an arsonality of Cyclones

    Kansas: a [               ] of Jayhawks

    Kansas State: a hootenanny of Wildcats

    Kentucky: a suffering of Wildcats

    LSU: a paralysis of Tigers

    Maryland: a sprain of Terrapins

    Michigan: a declension of Wolverines

    Michigan State: a grumble of Spartans

    Mississippi State: a clodhopperation of Bulldogs

    Ole Miss: a pantaloon of Rebels

    Nebraska: a fucking bunch of fucking Cornhuskers

    Rutgers: a hypotheticality of Scarlet Knights

    Wake Forest: a siesta of Demon Deacons

    Ohio State: a snapback of Buckeyes

    Oklahoma: an erosion of Sooners

    Oklahoma State: a fracking of Cowboys

    Oregon: an enfleecement of Ducks

    Clemson: a Jehoshaphat of Tigers

    South Carolina: a bemustarding of Gamecocks

    Tennessee: an evacuation of Volunteers

    Vanderbilt: a Telluride of Commodores

    Baylor: a tarpulence of Bears

    Texas: a quiescence of Longhorns

    Texas A&M: a balderdash of Aggies

    Texas Tech: an obscurity of Red Raiders

    BYU: a froyo of Cougars

    Utah: a prematurity of Utes

    Virginia: a pleat of Cavaliers

    Virginia Tech: a buckhunt of Hokies

    Washington: a deflation of Huskies

    Washington State: a cirrhosis of Cougars

    West Virginia: a tourniquet of Mountaineers

    Wisconsin: a jaundice of Badgers



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    MACTION IS MAGIC

    AT LAST, #MACTION. Last night's Ball State/NIU game finally delivered on the promise of zany midweek MAC football we've been waiting for, and also a dog high-fived a human on the sidelines. That was nice, and then we sent Clay (@SBNationGIF) to work. Then magic happened, because that is all that happens in Dekalb, Illinois.

    There is also the superb and insane MAC conference commercial, where the guy makes the big shot, gets the girl, and the kids couldn't be more impressed at the diner.

    You can. YOU BOTH CAN.

    UNSTOPPABLY GOOD IS A PROBLEM. Another thing that might be very true about exactly how Ball State's body blows did little to dissuade NIU from turning the fourth quarter into a blowout: Jordan Lynch might be so exceptional as to nullify any possible defenses for him.

    P.S. Never forget (if only for the P.J. Fleck quotes at the bottom.)

    HERE'S THAT EXTREMELY AMBIGUOUS JAMEIS WINSTON STORY. Tomahawk Nation has been all over it from the jump, and let's all be reaaaaaaal careful about a sexual assault story that is a year old and being reported by TMZ.

    PART TWO OF TERRIBLE THINGS. Lawyers in the Vandy sexual assault case have requested text messages from coaches (which they can and should do as part of the case.) (And let's hope there's absolutely nothing bad found, because it's bad enough as is.)

    ACOACHO HASSA NOTE WIFFA MESSAGEFORYOUAAAHH.

    The increasingly endearing story of Coach O becoming the cool stepdad continues, this time written in the handwriting of a forceful ransom note. Everything about this is adorable, and will become twice as adorable if they beat Stanford this weekend.

    VERBALLING SOLIDLY. It's a sneakily good slate, per Dan and Ty, and there's reason to believe them! (Mostly because we will watch it anyway, and will try to make it as good as we can in our minds because WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF FOOTBALL ALREADY.)

    ETC: "Look at this crazy bitch." Oh the fierce drops.


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    EVERYONE WANTS THE TIDE UNTIL THEY ROLL IN

    One:

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    Two:

    Three:


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    A SURPRISE WIN FOR GEORGIA TECH, SAYS MATH WE JUST MADE UP

    NEBULOUS STATISTICAL COMPARISONS OF DUBIOUS VALIDITY

    People talk about every game Clemson should have won on their schedule save for one: Georgia Tech, the oddly stubborn object we never mention when counting the various objects Dabo Swinney's team has swallowed over the years. For a moment you thought we were going to say "choke," because this is Clemson, and people still assume collapse memes when discussing the Tigers.

    No, this is different. With a 4-2 record against Dabo Swinney, Paul Johnson's Georgia Tech teams let you consume them whole, and then punch their way out of your system like with the determined, steady thump of a prehistoric insect. Steady is the word: third in the nation in time of possession, the Yellow Jackets prefer a leisurely pace for their offense, taking a note from Paul Johnson's idyllic mountain upbringing. Another word: pounding, much like the bears and other woodland creatures Paul Johnson had to scrap with for food in the North Carolina hills, and also like the fourth ranked rushing attack in the nation.

    In fact, in terms of overall F+ rankings, they're only four spots behind Clemson despite having a quarterback who can't run the triple option that well. They'll face a Clemson team whose time of possession just reads "MAYFLY LOL," and whose offense will make very brief appearances tonight. Tajh Boyd will be like the Sasquatch of South Carolinian Piedmont: appearing briefly, and lumbering through the forests of blockers like the mythical woodsman himself. Whether he does it throwing touchdowns or as a prelude to punting is the question we have no answers to, particularly as feisty as the Georgia Tech defense has been lately. *

    *Shhhh don't talk about the UVA game they've got some weird vendetta against tech schools, and take it out on GT. No idea why.

    Still, Clemson is the better team by the numbers here, and like your mother has the ability to score from anywhere on the field in less than seven minutes.

    ADVANTAGE: CLEMSON

    CLEMSON, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

    MASCOT

    Buzz has more character, color, and overall awareness of the world around him, and his place in that world, than 8-Ball the Tiger. He appears at damn near every student event, occasionally just saunters around campus for no reason whatsoever, skydives, wears tights and can get away with it thanks to fabulous legs, and has never wavered in his loyalty to a simple pair of black Chuck Taylors. He can rappel, and if your mascot is not named Jaxson de Ville, yours cannot.

    Buzzrappels_medium

    Additionally, Buzz never stole your car in the middle of the night and left it in a Gymboree parking lot in Conyers. Buzz never then called you from that Gymboree, saying he was trapped inside "A CENTIPEDE'S BUTTHOLE LIKE A REALLY BIG ONE I MEAN THE CENTIPEDE NOT THE BUTTHOLE SINCE IT SEEMS PROPORTIONAL BUT I'M NO EXPERT ON CENTIPEDE ASSES MAN." Buzz never repeated the same three stories over and over again while you tried to coax him out of what turned out to be a playground fun tube inside a Gymboree, and also did not come out only on the condition that "THE SWAT TEAM SINGS ME THE THEME TO PERFECT STRANGERS AND THEY HAVE TO MEAN IT DO YOU HEAR ME THEY HAVE TO FUCKIN' MEAN IT WITH ALL THEIR HEARTS."

    Buzz never does any of that at all, or sells your silverware for cocaine, and that's why he's the best.

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    DRUGS!

    And don't give us that shit about the Ramblin' Wreck being the mascot. He's an official mascot as of 1980, which is good because driving a car onto a football field is deeply unsafe, particularly if 8-Ball's anywhere near the place. (Also appropriate for Atlanta, the home of stinging insects and unsafe motoring.)

    ADVANTAGE: GEORGIA TECH

    GEORGIA TECH, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

    AURA

    Death Valley is very, very loud, and Clemson fans do not care that their ACC and national title chances were dashed by Florida State in...that thing that happened. They have short memories in South Carolina in general, and not just because of the high amount of naturally occurring poisonous metals in their water table. It will be a heinous environment, even if Paul Johnson does not care.

    Which he does not. Because Paul Johnson doesn't care, either about you, or him, or life, or that baby dangling off yonder barn over there. "Don't know how he got up there, but got a good idea how he'll get down, though. I fell off three barns when I was a kid, all stacked on top of each other. I didn't cry. No one should. We were a barn-stackin' town. Not that I care if you know that or not."

    [sucks on teeth]

    ADVANTAGE: CLEMSON

    CLEMSON, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

    NAMES

    Clemson

    Stanton Seckinger

    Fesser Bell

    Bashaud Breeland

    Collins Mauldin

    Spencer Region

    Georgia Tech

    Roderick Rook-Chungong

    Daris Commissiong

    Jabari Hunt-Days

    Jimmie Kitchen

    Beau Hankins

    We've done this without reusing any names from Clemson's earlier Factor Five appearance this year (sorry, Maverick Morris), but there was still plenty of meat left on the Tiger bone. Can we convince medical science to name something the "Spencer region?"

    This Factor, however, tips in favor of Georgia Tech, because how can you not love a defensive lineman named Kitchen? Go ahead. Try. It's like keeping your eyes open while you sneeze - some people can do it, but it's creepy and weird.

    ADVANTAGE: GEORGIA TECH

    GEORGIA TECH, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

    GRUDGES, SCORES TO SETTLE, SHEER CUSSEDNESS

    [looks up sheer cussedness in dictionary]

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    If this is a measure of who's grudgier, meaner, and less inclined to give a shit about anything, including this game, you, the universe, the aforementioned imaginary child falling off a barn roof, football, and certainly the Clemson Tigers, it's this man, and his football team. Imagine him and Dabo riding for 800 miles in the same car together. Now take the awkward silence between them, add them up, and you will have enough of them to fuel a Ricky Gervais vehicle for the next eight million years.

    ADVANTAGE: GEORGIA TECH

    GEORGIA TECH, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

    SUMMARY: 3-2, GEORGIA TECH, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D! Not that you want to be, but that's what the made-up bullshit just said.


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    SKYLER. WE ARE THE DANGER. TO US, MOSTLY

    CONFIDENCE IS IMPORTANT.

    Barry Switzer, born with the ability to summon a molotov cocktail into his hand at any time, anywhere.

    SKYLER. It's better if you say it in Walter White's voice, which is appropriate because this weekend is Florida football's "Crawlspace."

    WRECKED. That's a strong front page over at Shakin' the Southland, and a good breakdown of how to beat up some nerds on a golf course. (The golf course is unspoken, since both Clemson and UGA fans are by law never further than one mile from one at any time.)

    BEWRECKED. Meanwhile, Georgia Tech fans are starting to wonder why they even care about a team coached by a crazy person.

    SOMEONE'S ALWAYS ALMOST AS DOOMED AS YOU ARE. Doug's manic-depressive preview is the usual triumph, even if we know Georgia's going to get ground into uninspected dog meat by Gus Malzahn's latitudinally inclined wishbone attack this week.

    ETC: Well, someone in the symphony has to play the giant troll-killing hammer part in this piece. We don't know how any of them were even talked into this but we're pretty sure Miss Canada's outfit was put together by a bunch of very drunk people. Even raccoons are going paleo, bruh. Dawwww, someone drink with Florida Man, please. WILLIE. WILLIE. PLEASE CONSIDER A DIFFERENT FORM OF SHORT.


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    Why bother ranking 25 teams when there are only nine or so that matter at the national level? Also, why not try a little harder against Mississippi State next time?

    1. Florida State

    You know, there are a lot of people in this office. And not a lot of them get that special parking spot that reads EMPLOYEE OF THE WEEK. It's an honor, and it's one this regional branch takes very seriously.

    In fact, that space has, for most of fiscal year 2013 and a few before that, been reserved for one employee. And though we don't want to name names -- because we're a team -- I do think you might have a good idea of who that is. Let's be honest: we all know who that is. We know the big, stupid truck they park there.

    And they've earned it every week until this week. As Regional Branch Manager, I know not every part of this job is fun. I know that for every four-hour lunch you take with a client, there's a 4-5 team you have to play on the road. For every easy time you get to work at home, there's drudge work you have to do on the road in some place that barely has a Hampton Inn, much less the kind of accommodations you're used to around here.

    I get that. But listen; we can't be content, and we can't get sloppy, because even if you DO half-ass an assignment, and it just happens to be where someone won't see it -- oh, let's say, just pulling a place at random here, STARKVILLE MISSISSIPPI -- I assure you, we will see it. And when we do see it?

    Well, let's just say that the Employee of the Week spot? It's gonna have a new truck in that spot. Someone who was given an unglamorous assignment this week and who didn't just phone it in from home. No, they went out and got Syracuse all over them in a 59-3 rout, doing what they've done with every team this year: slayed them in a quarter, then let the interns clean up the mess for the last three. Like I said, they got Syracuse all over them and didn't complain once, and I'm pretty sure that's a toxic substance you shouldn't come into contact with unless you have no other choice.

    Enjoy the parking space, Florida State. Maybe SOMEONE will show a little more effort and get that back in a few weeks against Aub- ... I mean, when that unnamed employee gets a chance to redeem himself or herself in that next assignment.

    2. Alabama

    A lackluster, 20-7 effort against Mississippi State is not something the Regional Branch Manager will ever be happy with, but Alabama was due for a misfire. It also happened against a team incapable of taking the free money that Alabama negligently left sitting on a Starkville park bench.

    In fact, consider this a blessing. For once we get to talk about AJ McCarron having a mediocre game and about Alabama needing to improve prior to a matchup with Auburn in two weeks. It should also be deeply fulfilling for Nick Saban, who has something to be legitimately unhappy about and is now thus truly happy as a person.*

    *Oh god please don't act like ranking Alabama No. 2 matters. These are the two teams we'd put in the title game right now without reservation, and flipping them is as much a product of boredom as anything else.

    3. Baylor

    We came so close to giving Baylor that precious parking spot this week, but a good manager motivates in a lot of different ways.

    For instance, you paste Texas Tech 63-34 and bring it in under budget by taking knees in the redzone at the end? Well, there's a $5 iTunes gift card for you, Art Briles. Don't say we didn't recognize what you've done here. Also, go ahead and eat whatever you want out of the company fridge this week, even if it has someone's name on it.

    P.S. Don't eat Mack Brown's lunch. You'll give the Longhorns hope despite knowing you're never leaving the Baylor branch of this company, ever.

    4. Ohio State

    And even though we know you'll just blow it on more horrible faux-Buffett-lite musical sludge, you get a $5 iTunes gift card too, Urban.

    Beating Illinois 60-35 isn't that special, but beating them so badly their coaches spat on the sideline? That's got to be worth something, and that something will be exactly four Kenny Chesney songs you'll blast during the 20 minutes a day you spend on the elliptical thinking about a third-world beach you'll never go to, because you think Nick Saban is going to any beaches for fun? Or without air support, 15,000 angry Marines behind him, and a five-star recruit he's gonna liberate from the clutches of some other, lesser quarterback? No, no he isn't, and thus neither are you, Coach.

    5. Auburn.

    You do this and beat Georgia 43-38, and I... I don't even know. There's not any management manual that covers this.

    We don't have any reason to bump Auburn up from Assistant Branch Manager and give it a huge raise out of the blue other than they're now doing scary things no one can explain, and we don't want to anger the malign and powerful spirits have now decided that Auburn is now their new best friend. If they beat Alabama, we're resigning, suggesting they take over the corner office, and getting out of their way. We're laying low in Florida for a while until whatever this is runs its course.

    6. Michigan State

    Not the most inspiring employee, exactly? But they do make a fine spreadsheet, always wear a tie, and turn in things like a 41-28 win over Nebraska on time and in swift fashion.

    7. Oklahoma State

    Unsure what a 38-13 victory against Texas means, but it's not a loss, and they do get a serious review of their personnel file against Baylor next week.

    8. Missouri

    On vacation this week, but just lurking around the office and waiting for a shot at promotion.

    9. Oregon

    Sometimes it's not who you are, but rather who you aren't. And this week in the office, Oregon won 44-21 and was not Stanford, which lost to USC. That puts Oregon right back in line for the Pac-12 Championship, and climbing the ladder is easy when everyone in front of you starts losing their grip.

    At the edge

    Fresno State, still skulking around the warehouse demanding to be taken as seriously as the people in the office are taken. UCF, barely edging out Temple and hoping you just forgot everything about "barely edging out Temple." Clemson, because they have one loss, and it's not their fault Florida State's so awesome. Louisville, now just muddling around after having UCF blow up that perfect season. Northern Illinois, because good sales numbers are good sales numbers even if you're doing them in the Midwest.

    More from SB Nation college football:

    New BCS standings: Bama, FSU, Ohio State, Baylor your top four

    Bowl projections: Bama-FSU, Clemson-Wisconsin and more

    The biggest, craziest play of 2013

    Pic: FSU starters playing Hangman during Syracuse blowout

    Long CFB reads | Has Baylor crafted the ultimate football offense?


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  • 11/18/13--12:02: OH MY GOD HE CAUGHT IT
  • OH MY OH MY OH MY GOD

    our exact unexpurgated monologue the minute this play happened in appropriate all-caps

    eh

    Screen_shot_2013-11-18_at_1

    whatever UGA got this locked up and---

    Screen_shot_2013-11-18_at_1

    damn this boring weekend and shit Imma have to watch Florida play and that's been like chemo you pour into your eyes lately and wait--

    Screen_shot_2013-11-18_at_1

    oh fuck oh fuck oh shit oh fuck basic profanity limit exceeded switching to blasphemy OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD--

    OH MY GOD

    AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    WU-TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG

    BY THE DIVINE PUBES OF A GODDESS WHOSE NAME CANNOT BE SAID BY MORTAL LIPS AND WHO WOULD KILL YOU DEAD BECAUSE YOU ATE ALL HER SNACKS AND ALSO BECAUSE HER BEAUTY EXCEEDS THAT WHICH YOUR SOUL CAN TAKE WITHOUT DYING

    BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE YOU ATE THE LAST OF HER LARABARS OR WHATEVER OH MY GOOODDDDDDD----

    HE CAUGHT THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

    HE FUCKING CAUGHT THAT SHIT

    OH MY STARS AND SHITBALLS HE CAUGHT THAT SHIT.

    HE CAUGHT THAT SHIT LIKE HE WAS SPIDER MAN CATCHING A BABY THROWN FROM A GODDAMN ELEVATED TRAIN. HE PROBABLY SAID SOMETHING QUIPPY UNDER HIS BREATH AND POINTED TO MARY JANE WATSON PARKER IN THE STANDS AFTERWARD. HE CAUGHT THAT BECAUSE THE UGA DB FUCKIN' SPIKED THAT IN THE AIR LIKE MISTI MAY-TREANOR WAS ON THE OTHER END WAITING TO SPIKE IT. IT WOULD MAKE A LOT OF SENSE IF TODD GRANTHAM TOOK INSPIRATION FROM BEACH VOLLEYBALL TECHNIQUE SINCE WHATEVER THEY'VE BEEN DOING ON DEFENSE FOR THE PAST YEAR OR SO DOESN'T MAKE ANY OTHER SENSE SO NICE JOB TODD. THE OTHER GUY CAUGHT IT. IN VOLLEYBALL THAT'S A FUCKIN' POINT FOR YOU. NICELY DONE.

    Cmqac6ih_medium

    LOOK AT THOSE PEOPLE LOOKING ON THE JUMBOTRON. OR MAYBE THEY'RE LOOKING AWAY BECAUSE THEY KNOW THAT THE SIGHT OF SO MUCH INSANE GORGEOUS FOOTBALL LUNACY WILL RIP THEIR SKULLS OFF OF THEIR HEADS LIKE DANDELIONS IN THE WIND. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED HERE: THEY ALL DIED, AND NOW ARE IN SOME AFTERLIFE YOU CAN ONLY ACCESS IF YOU DIE IN AUBURN, AND DO SO IN THE MIDST OF A VICTORY THAT RENDS THE UNIVERSE ASUNDER WITH AN AUDIBLE POP, CREATING A RIFT ACROSS SPACE THAT STARTS IN THE STADIUM, AND EXTENDS ACROSS CAMPUS AND STOPS SOMEWHERE AROUND THE JIMMY JOHN'S ON COLLEGE STREET. IT'S A GOOD PLACE THAT SMELLS LIKE BARBECUE SMOKE AND DIP. THEY'RE HAPPIER THERE AND DO NOT MIND DYING AT ALL EVEN THOUGH THEY SAW THIS...

    ...AND THEN FUCKIN' EXPLODED INTO CLOUDS OF ORANGE AND BLUE CONFETTI.

    Sevwov5h_medium

    I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR PAIN SIR. IT IS PAST THE FEEBLE LIMITS OF MY EMOTION ENGINE. EMOTIONAL CARTOONS ABOUT BABY CATS AND DOGS OVERTAX MY SYSTEM. WHAT YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED CANNOT BE PROCESSED BY THIS MACHINE. YOU ARE TRYING TO RUN GRAND THEFT AUTO 5 ON AN N64 RIGHT NOW GEORGIA PLAYER. THIS PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY CANNOT EVEN READ THE THING YOU ARE TRYING TO JAM INTO OUR INPUTS RIGHT NOW. PERHAPS A GAME OF TUROK THE DINOSAUR HUNTER WOULD MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER? YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU TRY. PLEASE DO NOT CLAW YOUR EYEBALLS OUT. YOU MAY NEED THEM LATER.

    Georgiadies

    YES. LAY DOWN. IT IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN HELP AT THIS MOMENT. GET CLOSER TO MOTHER EARTH. SHE HAS SEEN SORROWS AND ABSORBED THE TEARS OF A HUNDRED MILLION MEN. YOURS WILL MEAN NOTHING TO HER AND WILL FALL OFF HER LIKE WATER OFF A DUCK'S BACK. OR A TIPPED PASS OFF THE HANDS OF YOUR DBS INTO A STREAKING AUBURN RECEIVER. I'M SORRY THAT WASN'T FAIR BUT THAT'S A PATTERN HERE IF YOU'LL NOTICE. IN ALABAMA, YOU CAN REMAIN ON THE GROUND CRYING FOR SEVERAL MINUTES BY LAW AS LONG AS THERE'S NO "GAYNESS" INVOLVED. THAT'S THEIR LEGAL TERM, NOT OURS, AND YOU MAY FIND IT IN THEIR CONSTITUTION IN THE SECOND WRITTEN IN BURNT SIENNA CRAYON, NOT IN PERIWINKLE OR WHATEVER THE HELL THAT COLOR WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.

    Georgiadies

    TWO POINT THREE MILLION YEARS OF HUMAN EVOLUTION, ERASED. GEOMETRY'S GREATEST PRANK HAS MADE YOU HOMO HABILIS, FINDING OUT THE HARD WAY WHICH PLANTS ARE POISONOUS AND WHICH ARE NOT. OH GOD IT'S ALL OF THEM. THIS IS THE WORST M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN FILM EVER.

    YOU ALMOST KILLED UNCLE VERNE

    450104037_medium

    PEOPLE ARE TAKING PICTURES OF YOU TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE REAL, NICK MARSHALL. A WOMAN YELLS AND DEMANDS PROOF OF YOUR EXISTENCE EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE STANDING JUST INCHES AWAY FROM HER. YOU ARE NOW A WITCH. PROVE THAT YOU AREN'T IF YOU SAY IT'S NOT TRUE.

    AAAAAAAHHHHH HE CAUGHT THAT SHIT AND THERE'S A PAINTING

    WE DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ABOUT THE YEAR 2013 IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL SO IN CONCLUSION:

    UN DOS TRES CUATRO

    BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

    BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

    BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

    BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

    BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

    BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

    BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

    BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP


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  • 11/18/13--13:17: Tale of the tape: Rob Ford
  • Toronto Mayor and NFL Draft hopeful Rob Ford ran the Mayoral Combine today. Let's check the scouting report.

    Reputation ain't always a matter of fact, but the game tape never lies. Let's look at possibly insane Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, and ask Anonymous Scout about how he projects at the next level as a football prospect.

    Robford2_medium

    Per Anonymous Scout, Ford does have several strengths.

    STRENGTHS

    1. Knows where he's going.
    2. Does accelerate to something like an unimpressive top speed quickly, though we're not sure what kind of stance that is.
    3. Can definitely overwhelm someone of a lesser size in a confined space.
    4. Keeps his legs moving through the hit, "though it sort of looks like when you run into a punter and try to hold him up"

    The rest is pretty grim from a scouting perspective.

    WEAKNESSES

    1. Ford doesn't do a good job of exploding off the outside leg when taking the turn. "He throttles down and gathers too much while turning." Not indicative of elite body control.
    2. Zero technique. "I don't even know what stance he's coming out of here."
    3. "No one in this video displays any knee bend whatsoever."
    4. Abysmal pad level.
    5. Appears to get winded just a few steps into the drill. Definitely has suspect conditioning.
    6. This isn't a football field and he shouldn't be hitting anyone, especially another elected official.

    In summary, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is Ford is "more of a projection than an instant-impact starter. He definitely needs to do some re-shaping in the offseason." He also has significant character issues, and not because he just ran into a lady at work and gave her "a fat lip."


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  • 11/19/13--07:42: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 11/19/13
  • I HAVE NO COMMENT ON DAN'S ACID SALIVA, SAYS CONFUSED MSU SPOKESDAWG

    DAN MULLEN WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING. When you're a competitor you're a competitor all the time, Dan Mullen.

    The disturbing form on the follow through is the thing, like he's one of those bat-creatures from Beastmaster, and simply liquifies his prey in this mouth before spitting out the bones. Then again, that much time in Starkville will teach you to eat the whole bird, right down to the gizzards. Competitors never sleep, but neither do country-style savings. (Mississippi State: it's the program that happily eats parts-meats.)

    THE COMMITTEE HAS SPOKEN. Though at this point we pretty much have the same teams everyone else has, and that's sort of depressing if you think they won't change, and promising if you anticipate disaster in the final three weeks of college football.

    P.S. We only have three weeks or so left. But then, um...winter? SHIT.

    THAT'S A GOOD WAY TO NOT GO BROKE. If a car dealership promises things based on impossible things happening, well, that's a splendid method of promotion nonetheless. (If it happens, it is because we have found the one person Nick Saban hates most in the world, and it would be the man who owns this car dealership.)

    JAMES FRANKLIN BACK? James Franklin back, since Mizzou has that weird luxury of having two quarterbacks, or what Florida fans would call "a myth, and nothing more."

    STILL IMPORTANT: Our "anonymous scout" had some deeply unkind things to say about Rob Ford's prospects as an NFL prospect.

    IT NEEDED REGAETTON HORN. And some Mario noises, but yes, all of this was necessary, BBS.

    ETC: Someone made Leonardo Da Vinci's piano/cello/harpsichord thing, and it will be in a Kanye video in under a year.


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    AND NOW WE CONGRATULATE KANSAS ON ONE WIN OVER BLACKLUNG

    8bmk_medium

    I'd call Georgia's loss deflating on Saturday, but puffy-ass Mark Richt doesn't look like he's lost any air pressure at all to me. He's lookin' blessed, alright. By St. Hardee's.

    Seems inconsistent to me that a win makes swordplay ok for Ed Orgeron but not Bobby Petrino.

    Figured a bunch of nerds WOULD get all confused when trying to wear out a few Trojans on a Saturday night.

    Florida was a lot of fun to play. Gotta send the rugby team up for a change of pace more often, Jeremy Foley.

    Sure gonna be fun seeing a California crowd rally around a Rose Bowl winner again. I'm talking about Fresno State, of course.

    We're not gonna make Coach Muschamp pay for that chalkboard. He's just treating educational tools the way he was taught to at Georgia.

    Because it's literally flatter than a pancake, Kansas is the Mom Ass of states, and now you know why Dana Holgorsen gave it up on Saturday.

    But still, congrats to Kansas. Not many men would pay someone $ 5 million for one win over 22 ailing West Virginians, but that's why Charlie Weis is the black lung class-action lawsuit buster of coaches.

    I still think Florida's gonna be bowl-eligible, so long as Marcus Thomas comes back home for the holidays.

    Defensive coordinator walks into a bar. He doesn't say anything, because defensive coordinators are incapable of speech because they're apes in gym shorts. Someone calls animal control and they shoot him dead, and a good-looking sexy offensive coordinator buys everyone a beer. They all laugh at the dead, stupid ape, and have a much better time now that he's dead. My favorite story, by the way.

    They say even a blind dog finds a bone every so often, but you'd think Michigan could afford to give Brady Hoke a flea dip.

    Saw Colorado won a football game, so it must be time to flip the mattresses in your house again.

    Wonder what Nick Saban's golf handicap is? He's short.

    Pretty impressive seeing what Cutcliffe's done with Duke. Like watching someone get their GED while wearing a suit jacket you gave to the Goodwill.

    Tired of people treating Clemson like they're some kind of red-headed stepchild. That's my job.

    Y'all see those FSU fellas playing Hangman on the sideline? Didn't even need grad assistants to help 'em for once.

    I'm sure Syracuse was quite a test for FSU, though. Hard to hear future journalists taunting you about the 40K jobs they're gonna retire on for four hours without laughing yourself into a sprain.

    The thing about Georgia under Mark Richt is that they're so versatile. Every year, they figure out a new way to get to the Outback Bowl.

    Hope Butch Jones doesn't ask Phil Fulmer about coping with adversity at Tennessee. "Bob Evans" ain't a defensive coordinator, no matter what he tells you.

    Sure am glad one of the seven seals is "Mississippi State beating a ranked opponent."

    That other Carolina beat Pitt, who lost to Navy, so unless we fight a country allergic to khakis you're now the most useless branch of the armed forces, Tarheels.

    I know those expiration dates on milk cartons aren't official, but Texas might want to see if Mack Brown has a "FEB 2011" birthmark.

    Emerson once said the most special things aren't what's ahead of you or in front of you, but what's inside you. When you wonder why Bret Bielema's got his head up his ass, well, he's just bein' Transcendentalist.

    Word of advice, Art Briles: let Dan Snyder beat you at table tennis. He'll throw an extra $15 million in your contract. It's like if Wookies were bad with money.

    Prove to me Gus Malzahn isn't a pokemon. Do it. I'm waitin'.

    They really gotta do something to make Alabama fans appreciate him, like letting him play linebacker or making him an anti-evolution state senator for a day.

    He just does all the little things right, which is hard to do in a state with such a high obesity rate.

    Tossing care packages to relatives in prison ain't easy, but it does give quarterbacks from the state of Texas the ability to throw into a small window from a very early age.

    Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, Ohio State, but I'm pretty sure either one would violate your probation terms.

    At least Ron Zook only had fistfights with himself, Illinois.


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    The story of Week 12, as told through the thumbs of a nation.


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    GO B1G AWESOME. WE ALSO SORT OF MEAN THIS.

    The Fullcast for this week discusses the dearth of jaw-dropping moments this year so far, and then naturally segues to the home of college football excitement, the Big Ten. We brought on Adam Jacobi to discuss it, because he is the only person to have ever watched a Big Ten football game, and supports the entire weight of the league with his viewership. (Adam is a bauxite baron who treats his workers terribly! Please don't tell anyone, especially the government.)

    Listen below, or download directly here. We are also available on iTunes now! With very little information contained in the tags!


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    "KATIE! KATIE COME HERE! IT'S JOHNNY AND HE'S GOT HIS HEISMAN OUT"

    1. Of all the campuses one might expect to find a naked skateboarder on, or even would posit the theoretical existence of a naked skateboarder in and around, Texas A&M is in the bottom five. The other four, with TAMU being five, and in descending order down to the least hospitable campus for nude ollies: Alabama, Baylor, Notre Dame and BYU.

    2. Of all the things on would not want to do: be that naked skateboarder, and then be confronted by someone who didn't like people walking on the grass, much less gliding nude through the hallowed arbors of Aggieland with his Reveille on full parade for all to see and riding the devil's dolly of distraction.

    3. Johnny Manziel looks thin.

    4. WAIT WHAT IF THAT'S A BRO T-1000 EVERYONE RUNNNNNNN HE'S THERE TO KILL THE FUTURE. "I need your clothes, your motorcycle, and your Bud Ice."


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    NIU BIDS YOU A RUDE GOOD MORNING

    NIU WOULD LIKE TO HIT YOU IN THE FACE. With two of their top receivers last night, NIU just set the controls for smash and didn't relent, running Jordan Lynch and running back Cameron Stingily for 364 yards, and introducing you to Stingily, who we like to pronounce as "sting-i-lee" to reinforce how much it hurts trying to tackle him. There were dog high-fives a-plenty, and someone got suplexed, so all in all a superb night.

    THE TALLAHASSEE PD APPEARS TO BE A PARAGON OF SOUTHERN LAW ENFORCEMENT. Since now, 11 months after the case was first reported, it's being confirmed that DNA tests have linked Jameis Winston to the complainant in the ongoing investigaton/clusterfuck over a sexual assault complaint involving the FSU quarterback. A DNA test does not mean charges are going to be filed, or that they won't: It just puts him at the scene, and establishes material evidence that some kind of sexual encounter (consensual or not) did take place.

    If you wonder when the TPD is going to stop looking bad, consider that the DA in the case was made aware of everything you currently know about the case about three days before the story broke, and eleven months after the complaint was filed. Consider that the DA does not get along with the police department, and was not supported by them in the last election, and was thrown into their incompetence at the last second when TPD threw the case upstairs at the last minute once the press started filing records requests. Consider that the DA for Leon County has zero incentive--whether Winston is charged or not-- to not help out every last bit of incompetence demonstrated by the Tallahassee police department, and make them look as bad as possible. Consider that the Tallahassee Police Department doesn't need much help doing that, and according to the victim's family, may have threatened the complainant by mentioning Winston's status as a star football player in a football-mad town. (Allegations denied by TPD last night.) Consider that no one's really sure whether the victim wanted the case to continue earlier this year, including the police and the DA.

    There may be a miserable story to be written here about what may or may not have happened to a young woman. There is also definitely a story about a city's law enforcement community eating itself in a fight over grudges, incompetence, and power.

    OH BOY, ANOTHER COURT STORY. The NCAA continues to expand your understanding of what constitutes asshole behavior.

    FEELINGS REQUIRE RANDOM IMAGERY. The random feelings collage for Duke football--real, live, and successful Duke football--is a thing of wonderment.

    WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T YOU? Bring on the Cats went back and charted the 2003 Big 12 Title game, and Ell Roberson had a much better night than we even remembered. Why, one could just watch the whole thing, if someone could just post the whole thing on Youtube. That'd be amazing, wouldn't it?

    OH HO HO HO HO HO. Please, please, please let LSU and BYU meet on a football field, and more importantly in the stands. PLEAAAAAAAASE.

    ETC: Rob Ford, why is everything you do covered in splendor?


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    EDSBS INSURANCE: FOR WHEN YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO CARES AS MUCH AS YOU DO

    We know how you feel about your new coach. He's your baby, and you'll do anything to protect him. We at EDSBS feel the same way. We're here for you, and since we don't have shareholders we're only here for you, Arkansas. Because when it comes to your baby, no amount of coverage will do.

    EDSBS Insurance. We're on your side.

    P.S. We asked Freek to make this and thought, lol Bielema in a diaper, but this gets kind of endearing and cute the more you watch it. Just look at Baby Bielema: he'll be walking before we know it, and then winning conference games, and using his forks and spoons like his brothers.


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    BLUE DAYYYYS/ BLACK NIIIIIIIIGHTS/ GEORGE O'LEARY'S GONNA HUNT YOU DOWWWWWNNN FOR TAKING THE ST. PETE BOWL AND ALL THOSE BEEF O'BRADY'S GIFT CARDS AWAY FROM HIM

    NEBULOUS STATISTICAL COMPARISONS OF DUBIOUS VALIDITY: Perhaps the only thing one needs to know about UCF is that they ruined Louisville's season, are surprisingly better in terms of efficiency on offense, rather than defense, and that Blake Bortles is their quarterback, and that he is quite capable of beating up on weaker competition. If necessary, he can also throw amazing TDs to beat weaker competition, as he did last week against Temple. Let's not talk about the Temple game, and just remember the "beating Penn State and Louisville in the same year" thing.

    Rutgers, meanwhile, has the following wins over FBS competition: Eastern Michigan, SMU, Arkansas, and Temple. We are in a year where Arkansas may be fairly grouped in those teams, so don't let it stick out too much. Last week, the Scarlet Knights allowed 619 yards to Cincinnati, the fourth time this year they have allowed over 500 yards offense. These are no Schiano men, which is good because it probably means they are happy, likable people who won't be fired in a matter of seconds for being dicks. The bad news is that not being Schiano Men makes them terrible at defense, and going into a game facing a very good offense. BORTLES KOMBAAAAAAAT.

    ADVANTAGE: UCF

    UCF, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

    MASCOT:

    Rutgers and UCF both have plush cartoons for mascots, a look we generally frown on since a.) they don't blink, and that's always a bit terrifying in human form (see Sparty's constant grim glare as the primary case of this.) We instead default to the old mascot of UCF, still undefeated in any and all mascot challenges: The Citronaut.

    Half-astronaut. Half-orange. 100% winner.

    ADVANTAGE: UCF

    UCF, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

    AURA

    You know it must be something special if a stadium is named after a cable company, the most loathsome rentier states from the 20th century economy, but we had to admit: like you, we knew next to nothing about Bright House Networks Stadium, UCF's home field.

    Thankfully, Twitter came to the rescue and told us just how special it is.

    That last one is especially true--UCF claimed they were up to code without water fountains because they sold bottled water for the low price of three dollars a bottle.

    ADVANTAGE: Rutgers

    RUTGERS, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

    NAMES

    Rutgers

    J.T. Tartacoff

    Nick Internicola

    Razohnn Gross

    Brian Stonkus

    Savon Huggins

    UCF

    Jock Petree

    Cal Bloom

    D.J. Killings

    Shaquill Griffin

    Shaquem Griffin

    Did you read the Rutgers names? Not too shabby. Somebody on that team's probably turned "Stonkus" into a verb, and not for something pleasant. Go ahead, look over those chosen Scarlet Knights again. We'll wait.

    NOW FORGET ABOUT THEM BECAUSE UCF HAS TWIN BROTHERS NAMED SHAQUILL AND SHAQUEM THIS ARGUMENT IS OVER AND THERE IS NO RIGHT TO APPEAL.

    ADVANTAGE: UCF

    UCF, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

    GRUDGES/SCORES TO SETTLE/SHEER CUSSEDNESS

    These two teams have only played once, facing off in the 2009 Beef O'Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl. Rutgers walked away with the prestigious Loincloth Made 'O Tater Skins Trophy in a game few Rutgers fans likely remember, the current coaching staff included. George O'Leary, however, probably sits smearing lipstick on his non-existent kissin' bumpers in his basement, "Telephone Line" playing in the background, tapping the name "RUGTERZZ" written on his killing list on the wall.

    ADVANTAGE: UCF

    UCF, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

    SUMMARY: 4-1, UCF. A blowout win for UCF in the Factor Five presages a likely blowout on the field tonight, but hey: UNLV/AIR FORCE MIGHT HAVE SNOW. (Yes, tonight's slate is so bad we're rooting for frozen water.)


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    Ranking only the teams actually worth ranking, and doing so in our Sunday best.

    1. Alabama

    Well, hello again, Employee of the Month.

    We don't gauge the health of Alabama by "points" or "touchdowns" or "attempting to do anything whatsoever on offense." As stated in Genesis 12:82:092, subsection gamma, "The earth hath given us abundance enough, and we shall live in defense of it, and probably treat offense as this ugly, if sometimes handy necessity. This verse is totally in the Bible so don't even bother looking it up."

    A 49-0 scrimmage against UT-Chattanooga is not anything that would affect any other team's ranking. But that divine goose egg in the opponent's column is a different kind of signal that they're playing the Lord's football. They probably threw in a quick kick or two as tribute to the football god. Hallelujah, and please remember to hit the collection plate hard as it passes, because Pastor Saban doesn't work for free, and there are parishes in Texas that won't hesitate in their generosity to the church and its Dear Leader.*

    *P.S. Just a reminder that some programs didn't fare as well against their FCS opponents on Sunday, even when those opponents didn't complete a single pass on the day. Pastor Muschamp's got a really weird idea of what church is, brother.**

    **P.P.S. That dang church has waterfalls, honey. WATERFALLS.

    They are shown the stained-glass iconography of the church's founder, St. Bobby Bowden.

    2. Florida State

    80-14 over Idaho, whom we can all but count as a FCS team at this point, but at the Seminole Free Baptist Church of the Fisher-man, let it be remembered that all are treated equally. They are brought into the spacious chapel and shown the stained-glass iconography of the church's founder, St. Bobby Bowden. They are then introduced to Pastor Jimbo, and Deacon Jameis, and pleasant words are exchanged; then they are held upside down by loving staffers, who shake loose the money from your pockets for 60 minutes and dare you to do something about it.

    Thus far in 2013, no one has, and with most of the parishioners at Pastor Muschamp's refusing to pay another dime to watch him bang his head into the podium for an hour while screaming about damnation, it doesn't look like anyone will do anything to stop it.

    3. Ohio State

    Mass was held in inclement weather this week, and Indiana was mourned, 49-14.

    A fine operation under Father Urban Meyer seems to be the third-best church in town, mostly by default. It's in a terrible neighborhood but still gets fine attendance, has a shocking amount of cash on the ledgers, and has filled the pews for two years straight without a hiccup.

    They tend to be a bit touchy when you point out the lack of competition in their part of town, so don't mention it unless you want a really long and tired diatribe about how Pastor Saban overstuffs the chapel and has, like, a thousand "quality control" staffers working overtime to count the number of sprinkles on the donuts in the lobby.

    4. Auburn

    No services this week, but Bishop Malzahn deserves a break. We're sorry: Gus. Just call him Gus, since The Chapel on the Plains doesn't really want you too into titles or liturgy or formalities. Yes, that's Gus up there with the electric guitar -- not tuned too loudly, for the little babies' sake -- singing about devotion and reminding all the faithful that just a year ago this church didn't even have a roof. And now look what love has done for us and for the church and for whatever sorcery Gus has worked turning one of the SEC's worst teams into a SEC and national title contender.

    It may feel a little new wave to you, but that's just how Bishop Gus rolls. It helps that Gus conducts the fastest services in all of Christendom and has the parishioners out in 20 minutes or less guaranteed, or their donation is returned to them at the door. You might not like a church that times its prayers by the playclock, but Auburn fans are more than fine with it.

    5. Missouri

    The greatest mismatch between a church and its pastor is found here: the youthful, vibrant parishioners of the CoMo Methodist Church, all led by a man who looks perpetually disappointed he chose to work with live people instead of dead ones. It's an odd match, but the full parking lots and thumping services don't lie.

    Mizzou is right there waiting in the SEC East slot to face whatever comes out of the SEC West, so disparage Pastor Pinkel if you like. There's something in the funereal demeanor of the man that makes them beat a good Ole Miss team 24-10 on the road and keeps them humming along without key parishioners like James Franklin for sustained periods of time.

    6. Michigan State

    We guess some people really dig the austere, kneel-before-an-angry-God kind of church. You might not understand it, but all Father Dantonio does is stack people to the rafters, lay out a grim vision of a world of the damned and those who play the Lord's defense, and then rake in tithes and Big Ten wins.

    It can be a grim sermon, if you're not prepared for it. See Father Dantonio's message during a 30-6 win over Northwestern:

    Like we said, not a sunny view of the world, but one that evidently has its loyal adherents. (Father Dantonio also saves on costs by refusing to heat his church in the winter, because "the cold of winter leaves only the warmest thoughts in the toughest of hearts.")

    7. Oklahoma State

    Well, it's easy to forget about those frontier heartland megachurches, but when an oilman takes a shine to your way with the Word, he'll build you whatever you need to house the milling faithful.

    What you might not notice in Pastor Gundy's sunny delivery? A mean, pounding dose of Old Testament vengeance, and some real Jacob-wrestling-the-angel kind of muscular football Jesus stuff. They were nice enough pregame, but once the polite discussion of the Word started with the Honorable Pastor Briles, it got mean, and it got mean quick, and Pastor Briles was left speechless and fumbling by the end of a 49-17 Oklahoma State victory. You might have forgotten about them, sure -- but the Lord so often cloaks his kings in the robes of simple herdsmen like that.

    More from SB Nation college football:

    New bowl projections: Bama-FSU, Ohio State-Stanford and more

    Saturday scores: Baylor, Oregon fall and Florida hits bottom

    Auburn fans already tailgating for NEXT week’s Iron Bowl

    Jameis Winston investigation updates

    Long CFB reads | Hope on the High Plains: Football in Wyoming


    0 0

    IN THE BEGINNING IT IS ALWAYS DARK

    [A ROAR, THEN NOTHING.]

    Albert: Why is it so dark?

    Empress Swampchild: In the beginning it is always dark.

    Albert_252520moonchild_jpg_medium

    Albert: What is that? Molly?

    Empress Swampchild: No. It is one grain of sand. It is all that remains of my vast empire.

    Albert: Football has totally disappeared?

    Empress Swampchild: Yes.

    Albert: Then everything has been in vain.

    Empress Swampchild: No, it hasn't. Football can arise in you. In your dreams and wishes, Albert.

    Albert: How?

    Empress Swampchild: Open your hand.

    She places the last remaining grain of football in his hands.

    Empress Swampchild: What are you going to wish for ?

    Albert: A Call of Duty edition Jeep Wrangler.

    Empress Swampchild: [blank stare]

    Albert: Sorry. It's been a long season. Shit, I don't know.

    Empress Swampchild: Then there will be no Football any more.

    Albert: How many wishes do I get?

    Empress Swampchild: As many as you want. And the more wishes you make, the more magnificent Football will become.

    Albert: Really?

    Empress Swampchild: Try it.

    Albert: Then my first wish is...

    Albert_252520falcor_jpg_medium

    [soaring Giorgio Moroder music]

    Percy Harv-cor: Do you like it, Albert?

    Albert: PERCY, IT'S BEAUTIFUL! THERE IS A TOUCHDOWN OVER THERE!

    Percy Harv-cor: More than one of them!

    Albert: And look! Completed pass! And a game without personal fouls! HELLO GAME WITHOUT PERSONAL FOULS!

    Percy Harv-cor: ROAAAAAAARRGGHHHH----

    [the scene goes black]

    [Albert wakes up in his squalid bedroom. He checks his phone.]

    Albert: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.


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