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    LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES, TEXAS TECH

    YOU SHOULD SAY THINGS OUT LOUD BEFORE YOU PUT THEM ON A PROMO

    The area around Lubbock is one of the largest cotton-growing regions in the United States, and that means a lot of things. It means Texas Tech "celebrates cotton" as an official stance they've used on this game for a few years now. It should also mean considering exactly what that would sound like when combined with a "black out" against Arkansas, and perhaps leaving that slogan apart from the black out, and not producing this inadvertent and awkward Blazing Saddles moment we have here.

    THAT LEACH TO WULFF GIF. TWIS this week is horrifying, particularly that Leach GIF that might be a bit too accurate at this point in what appears to be a very bad season for the Cougs. Say this, though: none of them put Danny Kanell in a headlock over anything yet, and that puts them far ahead of a Boston College fan in the piece.

    KURT ROPER IS CAFFEINATED. It's sort of exhilarating knowing that IF you're going to suck this year on offense, it'll at least happen very, very quickly. (Note: we might not suck on offense! That could be weird, honestly.)

    DON'T BOTHER WITH SMU, SAYS SMU PERSON. Eric Dickerson told Ricky Seals-Jones, a cousin of his and current Aggie wideout, to go to Texas A&M and not SMU. Eric Dickerson made a very nice living at SMU and became famous there, and this is all very bad for SMU, a school that already has things in a very bad way after losing coach June Jones just two games into the 2014 season.

    OH YOU GOT FUNNY COPS, IOWA? Evidently they do. Iowa is a weird place, man.

    ETC: Just over here playing "The Victors" as loud as we can.


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    THIS WEEK ISN'T THE BEST, BUT NEITHER IS THIS PODCAST

    SHUTDOWN FULLCAST BACK. This time, Jason Kirk, Ryan Nanni, and ourselves discuss an even wider array of topics than usual, mostly because this week is total wall-to-wall football filler. Those topics!

    1. Why Ryan is in Rapid City, South Dakota poisoning himself with bootleg pho
    2. How merely playing Outkast will instantly turn the tide of a game for your team
    3. Why Mississippi State is going TO South Alabama to play a football game this week
    4. Did anyone pay for the rights to Pitt/FIU? (Answer: probably not!)
    5. Did you know Syracuse is playing at Central Michigan? Does Syracuse realize it's playing at Central Michigan?
    6. Why we hope Syracuse loses every single game for the rest of time (unrelated)
    7. How Georgia Tech should pitch football games as an opportunity to shop at the IKEA nearby
    8. We promise there's something to watch this weekend? Maybe?
    9. How Will Muschamp has an assistant named "Telephone"

    The second installment of this year's Fullcast may be found here, or listened to below.


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    IT'S A STORY ABOUT A PIRATE, AND THE VERY SWEATY MAN WHO BECAME HIS HERO

    COMING SOON TO A BOOKST-ARRRR NEAR YOU.

    Of all the coaches to write a children's book in theory, Ruffin McNeill would be among the top ten in the "most capable, and would not at all write disturbing, violent life lessons you might not want your children to learn, ever." We don't want to mention specific coaches by name who would write those ill-advised kids books, but "Bob Stoops Kicks An Urchin And Demands Thanks" might lead you in the right direction.

    IT'S OKAY TO LIKE BLUEBERRY BAGELS. Easy Call this week features Dan making picks as usual, but also a ranking of bagels, which is cool if you think bread is meant to be anything other than a vector for meat, fat, or sauce. (It's not.)

    TAAAIIIIIILLLLLLLLLGATE. The #KaserForHeisman campaign gains momentum.

    ZERO CHANCE OF ROCKY TOP IN NORMAN. And that's just fine, since Boomer Sooner combined with Rocky Topwould be the college football Phillip Glass concerto of three hours of mind-numbing tail-chasing repetition unto madness.

    RIP, RUN AND SHOOT. Watching June Jones describe how the offense is kind of brilliant, even if you see how it could devolve at the college level to "aw shit, just go get open."

    THAT'S AN APPEALING STAT. Vanquish the Foe reminds you that Houston is averaging 342 yards of offense a game so far in 2014. This is also what Taysom Hill is averaging by himself. BYU is going to expel Houston from this realm tonight with extreme prejudice.

    PROPERLY BURIED. Jack Cristil, set to rest with a mike in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

    ETC: Tony Romo arrives in Breaking Madden at last.


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    Remember now what a blank social boffin the NFL strapped to its face to begin with: a Senator's son from a safety school who quite literally never worked anywhere else but in the sports job he got directly out of college. Roger Goodell's resume is a hollow blandishment of institutional servitude. He fought in the arbitration wars; he coordinated the events. Calendars were heroically arranged.

    That is who the NFL owners put in charge of their promotional arm and public face. That is not who the NFL owners are, a grab bag of the rich, idle rich, and charismatic psychopaths who end up with the kind of money to purchase an NFL franchise. There are familial dynasties like the Rooneys and Maras. There are lunatic confidence men like Jerry Jones who literally struck it rich, and workaholic basement millionaires like Steve Bisciotti. Capture them and place them in a habitat, and you would have a pretty good exhibition of the diverse ways to become wealthy and totally unaccountable to anyone.

    Wealth doesn't do that alone, though, at least not in the mechanical sense. You need a vector: the corporation. Jimmy Haslam, owner of the Browns, did not go to jail for taking part in a scheme to willfully defraud minority gas station owners of millions as the head of Pilot Flying J. A $92 million payment was enough to get the government off his back, and get him back to the business of running the NFL's most benighted front office. Zygi Wilf also used cash to settle a claim he defrauded partners in a real estate scam. Dan Snyder has never met a problem not solved with a fountain of cash, including purchasing the cooperation and/or silence of the DC media. NFL owners, as a group, solve almost all of their problems with cash. (Except building their stadiums, which suddenly becomes a matter of public interest and money, an effort funded and lobbied primarily with more cash.)

    Goodell pullquote

    So the first mistake you made in considering any of this was thinking of the NFL as something designed to create accountability. It is not. It is a non-profit* corporation designed to market the NFL and serve as a bargaining front for the league's franchises, the ones which are themselves giant shields with animal and cartoon faces for logos. Roger Goodell was not playing serious courtmaster from the start. He is, by design, a talking PR and marketing piñata. Get angry and hit him, and he belches out caramels and suspensions until your anger is appeased. Two games? The sound of hitting, and more belching of caramels. How about six games? Hold the stick, and think you've done something in the effort.

    *No, really.

    Maybe you have. The NFL now has a tougher domestic violence policy after all this, and that could be a very good thing. It also took forever to get to that point, because here's the other thing about corporations: they exist to not only divide liability, but are built to not even understand the concept as it applies to them. They are built without the eyes to see it, or the conscience to process it. The NFL has now fought against any claims of CTE damage or concussion injuries for decades, and still uses Dr. Elliot Pellman as a medical expert on the subject. Pellman was former commissioner Paul Tagliabue's personal physician, and a rheumatologist by trade. They are making it up because the answer is always the same by design: this is not our fault, and please consult those we have paid to document our not-faultedness.

    Roger Goodell was not playing serious courtmaster from the start. He is, by design, a talking PR and marketing piñata.

    To demand morality from the NFL is to ask ontological questions of an ATM. It has no ears, and only one response: please insert card. When it needs to present the impression of caring, it hires that talking piñata, usually someone tall, pedigreed, and just bland enough to seem authoritative. And when the bank does something the customer does not like, it takes a stick and whacks the living crap out of the piñata until it gets what it wants or feels better.

    Eventually that piñata folds like a paper bag in an actual moral crisis, and suggests that it has lost the package, or cannot recall the exact events of that day. Then it is easily and swiftly replaced, albeit after a six- to twelve-month succession planning period accompanied by a very large retirement/exit package.

    That part isn't hard: they're cheap, hollow, and made at every major college in the United States and sold for various prices. It's how the NFL does things, and it's how we do everything. You need another one, you just go to Harvard or Princeton or Michigan Law, or dig up another Senator's son with an Augusta National Membership and some time on his hands. They tend to hang around there. They fail every time. It is exactly what they are designed to do.


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    THE ERA OF THE LSU LAMBORGHINI COMES TO A SAD END

    Hey, y'all. We had a busy day taking care of bureaucratic things and running around like a chicken with their head cut off, but a few things.

    A. It's Thursday night, and you really should watch at least the first quarter of the BYU/Houston game just to see Taysom Hill.

    B. This happened!

    Donald Domingues, 56, of Lafayette, was charged by a federal grand jury with one count of tax evasion and one count of making a false tax return. According to the indictment, when Domingues filed his U.S. Individual Income Tax Return, Form 1040 for calendar year 2007, he reported $259,725 as income and paid $64,909 in taxes.

    The man we interviewed who owned the LSU Lamborghini has sold his ride, and possibly with very good reason: he is facing a potentially pricy tax evasion case. If you are surprised at an LSU alum with a badass car having tax evasion problems, you are new here, and need to consult the manual.* (HT: Ardbeg)

    We'll reboot tomorrow, even if Ryan's still stuck somewhere in South Dakota on assignment. It snowed there today! And he has to drive through it in a Fiat 500! A-HA, JOURNALISM.

    *There is no manual, just as there is no chance he misses a single LSU home game this season, even if he somehow got imprisoned over this. "Just check the ankle monitor, it'll tell you I'm at Tiger Stadium."


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  • 09/12/14--07:23: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 9/12/2014
  • WAKE UP PAWWWLLLL

    BILL FROM GAINESVILLE SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS ANYMORE.

    Will Muschamp making jokes is not something we're really comfortable with, if only because it a.) means he no longer cares if he lives or dies, or b.) because he thinks Florida's really good this year. Either thought is immensely disturbing here.

    TIM TEBOW HAS ALREADY VALIDATED WHATEVER ESPN IS PAYING HIM. The benefits are limitless, even if he only takes this picture and immediately quits television forever.

    TEXAS NEEDS WOMEN. AND MEN. WHOEVER CAN PLAY FOOTBALL, REALLY. The Longhorns allegedly looking for walk-on QBs seems like the naturally mockable thing after Charlie Strong kicked off every person on the Longhorns football team plus eight guys on the Aggies (Texas football law is weird.) However, if there were a state where one could just pick a high school QB up off the street and be certain that constant 7-on-7 play had him capable of throwing fifty times a game if needed, well, it's Texas.

    IT'S GOT FUNNEL CAKE. Okay so week three really doesn't have funnel cake, but it does have...um...Bret Bielema and Kliff Kingsbury exchanging workout tips at the pregame shit-shooting session? "Cardio's for the devil, bro." "The devil's pretty ripped, Bret." "Whatever, ladies like a Porterhouse, not a filet, buddy."

    THAT'S A STRAPPING SCHEMBECHLER MAN RIGHT THERE. Les Miles in 1975 is a thing of damn wonder. No, he doesn't have a mustache: why would you want to cover up that baby face?

    YO WE GOT A DJ FOR THE BATHROOOOOM. And the gym. Mostly the bathroom, but also the gym.

    ETC: FUCK THE TSA SO VERY HARD IN ALL DIRECTIONS. We'd sit there and eat the whole thing right there at the gate, since we'd probably be late anyway and already missing the flight. A flaming possum will happen if you're going to the park the right way.


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  • 09/13/14--20:50: BLATANT HOMERISM: KENTUCKY
  • NO

    jesus what the fuck florida


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    Every time you send your football team onto the field, you run the risk of looking bad. If you look bad, you probably aren't going to make the Playoff. Therefore, you should never send your team onto the field.

    An instantaneous survey of five teams in the best position for the College Football Playoff's four spots at this very moment, plus the biggest threats looming for each. Be advised: these have nothing to do with the Top 25 polls. If you get mad about this, you will be pointed to the previous sentence.

    OREGON

    Oregon stupidly decided to play a game this week, but don't hold that against them. Someone had to taste the flamethrower, and that someone was Wyoming. That's soon-too-be-respectable Wyoming, who led for one glorious, tense quarter until Oregon turned, burned, and put up 48 points on the Cowboys.

    That result may seem like just another opportunity for stat-padding against weak competition. Counterargument: USC lost to Boston College. Like, badly. Like, Boston College had 16 tackles for loss badly. The board says win, and blowout kings Oregon are still through to the Playoff after Week 3.

    Threats: Seemingly fewer every week, when you watch the Pac-12 blow engines in mid-September. There is one defense in the Pac-12 in Stanford, which is currently playing Blackjack Football: they stand on 17 and dare you to get more. Oregon can score way, way more than that, and in a hurry against good competition.

    Dropping a shootout seems like the only other way they can lose a conference game, and the only teams with any demonstrable ability to keep up with the Ducks are Washington and Cal. Both have several traffic cones on scholarship on defense. These are straws, and we are grasping at them really hard right now.

    ALABAMA

    Another team foolishly deciding to play football this week against a team. Southern Miss is just a happy jackrabbit crossing a highway, and Alabama is the F-350 that turned it into a fine red vapor. But there are some fine and important points to take away from this game. Even while running a limited playbook, giving eight different ball carriers touches in the run game, and playing both quarterbacks, Alabama gained over 500 yards of offense again.

    That's the third straight game over 500 yards for Lane Kiffin's new offense. You know who else had over 500 yards of offense in Week 3, and yet almost lost to Kentucky? Florida. IT'S A WIN, ALABAMA. SOME TEAMS DON'T GET THOSE EASILY. It counts, and you'll likely scatter Florida's limbs to the four corners of the nation next week in Tuscaloosa.

    Threats: Same as last week: the SEC West Artillery brigade of Auburn and Texas A&M, and whatever LSU is. One adjustment from last week: Florida won't beat them and is removed from the threat list.

    FLORIDA STATE

    Filed the strongest performance of the week by any of the major-conference powers by playing no one. Brilliant move, Jimbo Fisher. No one wins in Week 3 except for Bret Bielema and Steve Spurrier, meaning it's the week for accidents and classic backstabbing comebacks plotted by snickering old dudes who know all the worst tricks. You avoided both, and for that, you're still in the Playoff.

    WarGameWeekThree

    Threats: Virginia, who just beat Louisville? Louisville, who just lost to UVA? It's the ACC. The threat is basically existential, in the sense that being an ACC team is a hazardous, inconsistent thing to be. FSU continues to be the rich, together kid who escaped its surroundings, yet the Noles could innocently loan conference sibling school NC State its car one night, then come back to find it's been implicated in a bank robbery. That could happen any day, because the ACC's bucket is deep and filled with only the most hater-ish crabs grabbing any aspiring escapees.

    Texas A&M

    Only scored 38 against Rice, but did manage to do this with an open and presumably active hellmouth midfield at Kyle Field.

    The downside of being a points-giddy offensive juggernaut: when your star QB "only" throws for four touchdowns and 300 yards, it feels a bit underwhelming, as does being outgained by Rice for the game (481 to 477). The Aggies pulled up and fell into a gentle, game-managing trot some time in the third quarter.

    The upside is the ability to score points, win games, and not be Georgia, who was on this list last week and is not because they lost a game to South Carolina, a team Texas A&M burned to the ground in Week 1. Transitive property championships are all you have in Week 3, and you'll just have to enjoy the Burger King paper crown you wear for winning one this week, Aggies.

    Threats: LSU, first and foremost, because even in down years the Tigers make for a bad, sloppy fight for the Aggies. Alabama and Auburn lurk, as well. But that Arkansas game on Sept. 27 looks a lot harder after watching the Hogs pulverize A&M's air raid brethren, Texas Tech.

    Oklahoma

    Reeked on third down conversions, going 3-of-12 on the night overall. Had more penalties than Tennessee and turned the ball over twice. Only rushed for 146 yards, a worrisome number for an offense working against a group of players too young to drink legally in any state and making their first big road trip as college football players.

    Still won by 24 points and beat poor Justin Worley up like he was an Alabama quarterback or something. So there is something to be said for allowing Tennessee to put on a valiant, respectable performance, but also show that your team can win on an off day.

    Oklahoma, see previous theme: "You won in Week 3 and did not embarrass yourself, so just think about how much you won't remember this game in two months."

    Threats: West Virginia next week. The Mountaineers are desperate, erratic, crazy, and capable of anything, especially in Morgantown. Baylor and K-State are down the road a bit, but still dangerous.

    TEAMS THAT LOOKED WEIRD AND KIND OF SCARED US A LITTLE

    UCLA, looking dodgier by the week even in victories, and now potentially playing with an injured Brett Hundley after beating Texas.

    LSU, because we have no idea what they are other than the usual Les Miles Mystery Football Team Created By Pouring All The Football Liquors Left In The Barmats Into One Glass At The End Of The Night.

    TEAMS THAT TUMBLED OUT DUE TO ODD BUT POWERFUL HEXES CAST BY GOLF WIZARDS

    Georgia, out of the running (for now), run over by mean old man in golf cart.

    TEAMS IN THE WAITING ROOM

    Baylor, who has played no one.

    Mizzou, who is basically Baylor with a stronger schedule. (Have you seen Maty Mauk play? That's something you should probably do soon, preferably against South Carolina in a huge SEC East game).

    BYU is a slambangy bunch of dudes with a fantastic offensive threat in Taysom Hill and is currently undefeated.

    Arizona State is undefeated, but may have just lost QB Taylor Kelly to injury for a spell.

    Undefeated Notre Dame? Sure, Purdue counts as football in at least four states.

    Auburn, prepping for a dicey Thursday night game against Kansas State in Manhattan this week.


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    Oregon is aiming directly at the flashing circle on your chest, Bob Stoops is workin' on his night moves, and you can go to UConn to make computers fart.

    Sittin'

    Arkansas' gameplan against Texas Tech was the same as every other gameplan Bret Bielema has ever drawn up: run the dutch oven offense and dare you to breathe. The first move is controlling the clock by pulling the sheets over the opponent's head with the run game. The second move is letting loose with the horrible fumes of a fully weaponized digestive system of an offense, chewing up yardage and processing it through the seven stomachs of the run game.

    The resulting heat and stench has killed better teams than Texas Tech, whose undersized defense could not get off the field against the mammoth Razorbacks offensive line, allowed 438 yards rushing, and let Arkansas go 8-for-12 on third down opportunities.

    This is not saying that the Arkansas offense is bad or dumb. Far from it. We're saying that the run game is the worst and most effective possible way to force an opponent to smell the kielbasa-and-peppers sub you ate last night. I'm also saying that Bielema is the kind of dude who has totally done this to his roomates and brothers, likely with insane power.

    It should also be stated that Texas Tech remains light-in-the-booty up front, so this was a bad matchup all along for the Red Raiders. Arkansas' true value won't be established until it begins working through its SEC West schedule. Still, watching a team find the hammer, swing said hammer, and then refuse to stop using that hammer until everything in front of it is reduced to shards? Great entertainment in the Hulk-ingest way possible, and deeply encouraging for Arkansas fans, who could probably hear Bielema holding Kliff Kingsbury's head under the sheets and muttering, "I ate at Chipotle last night. Sorry about that, handsome boy."

    Khaki Campbell

    A type of duck bred in England, one of the only places so bored it would decide to breed various types of waterfowl just for fun. The best part of its Wikipedia entry:

    Despite popular misconceptions of skittish or flightly behavior Campbells are a very gentle, passive and friendly breed when raised by hand until maturity.

    So tired of ducks refusing to commit emotionally to me, y'all.

    Oregon might be the class of college football right now. The Ducks have a quality win over Michigan State that they achieved both after some on-field adversity and in spite of injury. The Ducks worked out well in their role as flat-track bully against the slow but valiant Wyoming Cowboys and South Dakota Coyotes, which is something you have to do, no matter how ugly it may look.

    They also have a legitimate chance to roll through the Pac-12, where, like video game bosses, every team appears to have some kind of insanely obvious fault.

    • UCLA: incapable of using its right hand (offense) and left hand (defense) at the same time and may have just had an arm fall off.
    • Stanford: final boss who can't move more than six pixels in any direction too quickly, like the Blob in the old standup arcade "X-Men" game or possibly King Hippo from "Punch-Out."
    • Colorado: "Super Mario"-era Bowser, in that he looks awesome and you can just run around him or jump over him without much trouble.
    • Utah: any of the villains in the "Arkham Asylum" games, since no one's really taken them seriously since like 2009.
    • Oregon State: that alien brain-heart thing from "Contra," with infinite ammo and no defense whatsoever.
    • Arizona State: might have been a decent Goro, but lost that with a possible foot injury to QB Taylor Kelly this weekend.
    • Washington State: that guy from "Fable 2" who talks a lot and then dies when you shoot him once.
    • Arizona: Birdo. Just throwing an endless stream of crap at you and not even caring if he or she gets hit.
    • Washington: Every "Call of Duty" villain ever. Just press A at the right and very obvious time to finish the fight, no matter how much damage you may have taken.
    • USC: your tiny nephew in a Wii boxing matchup. Just punch a few times decisively and watch him flail to the ground. (Note: may not even have right part of controller in hand.)
    • Cal: Clippy. You say Clippy doesn't really fight and isn't even a final boss? Have you watched Cal play football?

    Yellllllaugh

    The noise resulting from the combination of laughter and surprise, often erupting from the sudden introduction of something extremely funny into your environment.

    Week 3 had next to nothing of theoretical value in terms of absolute football. It also had an Army punter looking like he'd just decked a Stanford player, Vanderbilt struggling with UMass, FIU temporarily dominating Pitt, whatever caper this was in the West Virginia-Maryland game, the complete rockbottoming of the Iowa football program under Kirk Ferentz, Kentucky's kicker booting a perfect knuckleball to tie Florida at home, Boston College outrushing USC by a total of 452 yards to 20, Georgia Tech almost losing to Georgia Southern and blowing a 25-point lead, Kent State's quarterback throwing this pass directly into the ground, and Kansas losing 41-3 to Duke in football. And that's all before we tell you about Texas giving UCLA the ball to start the first and second half after a botched coin toss.

    This week was, if nothing else, hilarious for those who like a quality farce. (And we do.)

    Mt. Pleasant

    The frigid habitat of the Central Michigan Chippewas, who fired up this week against Syracuse for an invigorating 40-3 home loss to the Orange. This entire event is odd, but totally in theme for a weekend when many college football programs made their scheduling decisions via weekend airfare specials.

    For instance, Pittsburgh to Palm Beach was probably only $79 one-way, and that's how the Panthers ended up going to FIU, an FBS team with a two-game losing streak to FCS Bethune-Cookman. FIU still led for an embarrassing whole half of football before the Panthers pulled away.

    Boise State got like $99 tickets, and wait, can we bring the kids and stay in Hartford ...

    Screen_shot_2014-09-11_at_12.17.56_pm_medium

    ... and throw in concussions in a not-at-all-awkward juxtaposition with football? They brought the kids and made a weekend of it, walking away with a mostly unmemorable 38-21 victory over the Huskies. We say mostly unmemorable; there was a nice trick play, because Bryan Harsin understands all Boise games have to contain at least one, and that's why he's got the job.

    Come to a UConn game, and make a computer fart.

    Baylor went to Buffalo for some reason, and Bryce Petty played in a huge nasty blowout of the Bulls despite having two freshly broken bones in his back, because Bryce Petty is a warlord whose only food is the blood of the vanquished.

    Mobile, Alabama must be a recruiting hotbed of unparalleled magnetism, since that is where Mississippi State traveled this weekend to play a game with South Alabama (now a real FBS team!).

    Wake Forest went to Utah State and ended up with -25 rushing yards on the day in a game that saw Chuckie Keeton, one-time dark horse Heisman hopeful, go down with yet another freak injury. The other games were curiosities; this one sounds like total atrocity, but that's what happens when you let Wake Forest go loose into the world. They become that dude in "The Stand" who escaped the Army facility and let superflu out into the world, and that contagious football plague might be the only thing standing between Florida State and an easy slot in the Playoff. Wake Forest football: a pathogen with a purpose.

    Illini

    Maybe the most entertaining Twitter feed in college football belongs to Illinois, only because you have to imagine that someone, somewhere in a press box or in front of a television, has to tape their eyeballs open, strap themselves into a desk, and force themselves to compose the most optimistic tweets about Illini football possible.

    For example:

    "We got a fünfer workin'!" Despite attaining perfection, the Illini would continue to try to score, and did, and ruined everything.

    The Big Ten went 3-6 this weekend in out-of-conference play. The victories came against Kent State, Miami (Ohio), and Fresno State, three of the worst teams in college football. The losses came to TCU, Bowling Green, Washington, West Virginia, Notre Dame, and Iowa State by a scoring margin of 209 to 136.

    The Big Ten is deplorable. The previous comment is cut-and-pasted from every other week in college football for the past five years, minimum. (P.S. Gary Nova of Rutgers threw five interceptions and no touchdowns, and Rutgers still only lost to Penn State by three points.)

    Lindsey Street

    A major thoroughfare in Norman, Oklahoma. Bob Stoops drives down that road in ... what would it be? It's gotta be a Dodge Charger Hellcat SRT, and Bob frankly doesn't even know how much it cost. He just went and got it, man. He checks his hairline in the mirror, touching the fine hairs holding steady against the tide of age. It's like the Great Wall of China, man. Could see it from space. He fistpumped and bit his lower lip as he turned the radio up.

    Bob Seger's voice filled his ears. Stoops let the hammer drop on that Hellcat at a light and let it roar for the nanosecond or two it took to get to the speed limit. HE WAS TOOO FAAARRR FROM HOOOOOME. Tennessee weekend. A weekend for beating that ass on an S-E-C team in his own house, no less. He sat up in his seat and sucked in his belly. Never in doubt and sexy: just like you, Bob.

    They're gonna talk about how young they were. Sure. Talk about youth. That's an excuse. Everyone's got one. Oh, we're too young. Oh, we didn't have the right defensive backs in the game. Even Nick Saban had excuses. You know who didn't have excuses? That's right, the man peeling out in this American death machine who's seen every variation of offense, catastrophe, disaster, and football fuckery imaginable. Hurry-up, no-huddle offenses giving you trouble, Nick? Poor thing, it's not like Oklahoma's been tussling with them for 10 years now. Struggling in bowl games? No clue what you're dealing with there, Duchess. Losing key players and trying to find a starting quarterback? Ours from last year is now a tight end and we beat Alabama with a redshirt freshman. It's got to be so hard.

    You wanna talk to Bob about excuses? That's cool. Bob's got an excuse for you right here and it's called "I'm too busy listening to "Live Bullet"and beating punks in lightweight Subarus off the line in drag races on Sunday to care." You need some advice? Catch Bob. He'll be tearing through these streets like he's 20 again and totally not thinking about the SEC at all. Nope. Not ONE bit.

    [/Bob Stoops does donuts on MIke Slive's lawn]

    Edmond

    A small town north of Oklahoma City, which you might be able to see if you're an injured quarterback like J.W. Walsh of Oklahoma State, just watching the game from the roof of T. Boone Pickens Stadium with your hand down your pants.

    Don't lie and say that doesn't look like an insanely chill way to watch a football game.

    Springfield

    So before we totally forget this: if you've never been to Eugene, Oregon before, you should not go there for a football game, or ever. It is most definitely not beautiful and does not have a stunning vista from the press box of a forested volcanic plain. The stadium is not beehive loud during Oregon games, and the fans are decidedly unfriendly and not pleasant in the least. There is not a delicious salmon sandwich sold on the first level of the stadium.

    There also is not a stunning walk to the stadium through a forest preserve that crosses a babbling river. It definitely did not reduce two Michigan State fans I saw to just parking their asses on a bench, splitting a 12 pack of Bud Light, and wondering where, oh where in life they made mistakes that led them to not living there. You also don't exit that forest and immediately run face-first into the huge, glowing orb of the green block "O" for "Oregon," perched on the side of that stadium like the eye of interstellar Sauron looking for planets to menace.

    Eugene does not have the real Jebediah Springfield statue on its campus, and it definitely does not merit a visit. Don't go there, and most definitely do not scout ways of trying to find a house in Oregon, because it might be the perfect place to live. Don't. I've heard it's horrible, and you definitely should not go there and find out for yourself. AVOID.*

    * we are moving there as we speak and this is all spectacular lies

    Bawl

    Say it with us in your best theatrical Southern accent: just run the damn bawwwll, Bobo.

    You can make the critique that Todd Gurley, the best running back in college football, should have gotten the ball with only 12 feet standing between Georgia and a go-ahead touchdown with 5:24 left in the game. The rebuttal to that is simple: when you've got Hutson Mason with the ball in his hands in just his fourth start, you don't just hand off to the best running back in college football who's averaging 6.6 yards per carry in the game. No, you get an intentional grounding call, put Georgia back 10 yards minus a down, then ultimately settle for a missed field goal.

    This is not an argument and never was, and is just one more reason why South Carolina has won four out of the last five against Georgia. Spurrier doesn't stand in the way of stupid, easy money and calling a lot of the same plays over and over simply because they kept working. Mark Richt and the Georgia coaching staff are now down a game to start the race in the SEC East. (Again.)

    Spurrier also went for it on fourth and one to finish off Georgia for good, which he did because deciding not to would be utter foolishness you should not even ask him about, mortal.

    About-face

    No really, Duke and Kansas lined up on the wrong sides of the field for a kickoff.

    Bargaining

    The stage of grieving that Georgia fans may be arriving at, just after eating popcorn out of a garbage can.

    Dawgdumpsterdiving_medium

    (HT: Gamecock Tripp)

    Your week to come

    Auburn goes to Kansas State in a battle of differently tempoed football agriculturalities. Iowa and Pittsburgh will drag football back to some stage of invertebrate development and leave the audience a mass of freshly devolved trilobites. Alabama adds another horrendous panel to the evidently still-incomplete Bosch tryptich that is Will Muschamp's rendition of Florida football. Oklahoma travels to Morgantown to confront the Evil Morgantown Mountain Fog. Miami and Nebraska play a football game, aka the Byzantine Empire versus the Mughal Empire, live in Lincoln! UCLA does not play a football game, but Jerry Neuheisel is free to videobomb as he likes.


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  • 09/16/14--06:40: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 9/16/2014
  • YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO WIN, OR ALSO LOSE, ARKANSAS STATE

    NO SHAME IN THAT, ARKANSAS STATE.

    It's a game, and if faking death in the middle of a play isn't explicitly forbidden in the rules, then you gotta fake a death from time to time.

    WEST VIRGINIA HAS AN IMPORTANT DEFENSIVE PLAYER SUSPENDED. In other breaking news, West Virginia HAS an important defensive player.

    SARKIFFIAN. If you do not read It's Meltdown Time for anything else, please do just for the novel nickname USC fans have given Steve Sarkisian just three games into his tenure as USC's head coach: "Sarkiffian."

    YOU'RE WELCOME, BC. BTW, this is how Boston College destroyed USC late in that game, a game that still happened no matter how barely real and plausible it seems. Former Gator Tyler Murphy had an important role in that game. The University of Florida: giving other teams winning quarterbacks since Cam Newton.

    BRING YOUR FORMAL COW TO THE BALL THURSDAY NIGHT. Manhattan, Kansas promises to be completely mad by Thursday night, and that is probably underselling it because no one gets more excited for things than a town where not much happens. (See: Auburn, Alabama.) If Auburn does end up losing that game, it can for once experience the ironic reversal of Auburn having to go to the middle of nowhere and getting its ass kicked in a stadium by a barn. (Love, the rest of the SEC.)

    NOOOOO SPEEDY. Out for 3-5 with an MCL tear. A football universe without a player named "Speedy" is a poorer one for everyone.

    ETC: DREAM FULFILLMENT IS REAL AND IT LIVES IN RUSSIA. I got this I got this and shiiiiiiiiit I don't. This leopard must be stopped at once, if only because he has found a limitless and renewable food supply.


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    OHHHHHHHH GEORGIA

    I respect Mark Richt's character. Most folks wouldn't be strong enough to tithe away points like that.

    Makes sense that AT&T is the official cellphone provider of Georgia football what with all those drops and gaps in coverage.

    Well, that's two teams Dabo Swinney didn't adequately prepare to play South Carolina.

    With Hutson Mason how sure can we ever really confidently match the "intentional" with the "grounding" there, ref?

    The difference between Georgia and England is England's inbred figureheads were alive the last time they won something.

    I've seen Georgia fans, and I'll tell you - they're hypocrites when they insist you gotta run more.

    Don't know why Dawgs fans are disputin' that 4th and short. You'd think they'd never seen a tap-in before.

    That game might be the first time a Georgian was sad at the sight of a chain gang.

    Georgia can still get to Atlanta, though. Just take 29 right in from Athens, and buy at ticket at the Georgia Dome.They're available at Gate D and E.

    Five carries for 17 yards for Todd Gurley in the fourth quarter? That's the whole comment. I can't do better than that no matter how hard I try.

    Heard I've beaten Georgia more than anyone now, but I think I'm still a good ways behind Getting Married Too Early.

    If you wanna know why Georgia fans are so passionate about a team that ain't done anything in years, go to a Widespread Panic concert.

    If you're playing Georgia Nightmare Bingo, go ahead and mark off the "Losing with a Hunter and a Todd in the backfield " square. If I close your local Zaxby's, this card is full and the game's over.

    Georgia was founded as a debtor's colony, so starting a few games down in the standings is only tradition.

    A bunch of kids from Boston College won a football game and I don't see their daddies' names anywhere in the box score. That's real big, y'all. Congrats.

    More important question though: where's that win put BC in the AL East?

    USC rushed for a total twenty yards on Boston College. Well, you didn't expect a group from South Los Angeles to get much space to move in Boston, did you?

    Don't feel bad, Vanderbilt. Phil Fulmer's struggled with Mass for decades.

    Kirk Ferentz knows it's football and not blackjack, right?

    Iowa's a place where you can time travel in cornfields. Guess that's how Kirk Ferentz cashes checks he earned in 2002 with those 2014 results.

    Everett Golson is a real redemption story waiting to happen. Just gotta get him to the part where he overcomes being a Notre Dame quarterback.

    Missouri's the best team in the SEC East, and Texas A&M's the best in the West, and that's why they need to strengthen the Invasive Species Act.

    Can't blame Will Muschamp for going to overtime. He's gotta bank those extra hours while he still can.

    Florida's got 2 W's, same number you'll find in the phrase "why, God, why?"

    Don't get mad at those officials, either. You can only watch Florida snap the ball so much without gettin sick.

    Kentucky lost because of someone not being able to read a clock right, which is appropriate.

    Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, the two biggest industries in Kentucky.

    Todd Graham gave $500k to Arizona State. Didn't even know they were married, much less getting divorced.

    At the rate he's going, Charlie Weis gonna be the all time winningest coach in Kansas history. Two wins a year, that's just another 24 years, Jayhawk fans. God's real, and he doesn't like you at all.

    Good news is that Weis can then go take the next job in that career progression: being offensive coordinator at Iowa State.

    Tim Beckman said Illinois won if you just looked at the second half, which is why he's writing George W. Bush's biography.

    Beating unpaid teenage Volunteers in Oklahoma is usually reserved for election years, but Bob Stoops knows what the locals like.

    You know Oklahomans, though. Just tell 'em the quarterback's an abortion clinic or a science class and they'll shut 'em right down every time.

    Steve Sarkisian's figured out one way to stop USC from sending bad quarterbacks to the NFL.

    You heard Rutgers apologized for how their fans acted at the Penn State game? Makes you realize Miami's doing things right.

    Gary Nova threw five interceptions in a single game. That spells out TINTIN TINTIN twice with a NIT left over to pick. That's clever and all, but I don't know if turning every game into a box score word search is gonna put butts in the stands.

    "Beat by two Neuheisels" ain't the saddest death in Texas history, but it is the least sexy.

    They probably won't admit it, but Alabama fans can't get enough of what Lane Kiffin is doing for them. Then again, you could say the same of oxycontin.

    James Franklin's gonna learn that 10 wins in the Big Ten is the same as 8 in the SEC, because Outback Bowl conversion rates are a real sonofabitch.

    Nebraska's undefeated, but so's Emory.

    Just go ahead and say you beat "FSU," Nebraska. All three fanbases involved won't bother to check a map that doesn't have a Hardee's on it.

    Well he ain't named Charlie Smart, is he?


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    THAT PHOTO SHOWS A SCORE FROM A GAME SYRACUSE LOST BY 56 POINTS

    Shutdown Fullcast 2.3 dives directly into reader mail and finally answers the greatest question of our time: why do we dislike Syracuse? Other questions addressed directly in the course of our super-tight, lean, and utterly economical 45 minute discussion:

    • A lengthy review of the most and least self-aware fanbases. Washington State scores well on self-awareness; Maryland and Georgia Tech, not at all.
    • Which coach could be a Juggalo?
    • Why Kansas State runs the "Home Alone" offense, and why Bill Snyder has a George Mikan cutout in his bedroom.
    • How Ryan can pick the absolute worst games of the week to be interested in every damn time we pick games
    • What will Jeff Driskel's line against Alabama this weekend, and how close can we get to guessing it?
    • How West Virginia scares even LSU fans
    • Why Washington State quarterbacks inherit a World War I war wound as part of their birthright

    Download directly here, listen on iTunes under Shutdown Fullcast, or listen below.


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  • 09/18/14--07:01: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 9/18/2014
  • NO HASTE BEFORE YOU PASTE, LAFAYETTE

    HOT NATURAL BREAST MILF ON THREE! HUT! HUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!

    Blqjvkv_medium

    That's a real and now-deleted tweet, confirmed by Luke Zimmermann and first seen on R/CFB. Always test out that paste button before you link, particularly if you're into looking at pictures of Lou Holtz in drag. Which this definitely is not.

    LET'S JUST TALK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL IN THE UNIVERSE PLEASE. Jason wrote a reasonable thing about Jameis Winston, and so did Bud over at Tomahawk Nation, and let's now never talk about Jameis Winston again because he's crossed the Tebow Threshold, and is now only the serious concern of total fucking idiots.

    THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE. It's good as usual, particularly when it gets to the part where a wood chipper is invoked as a valuable weight loss tool. WILL MUSCHAMP'S GONNA PULL THIS ONE OUT Y'ALL.

    MANHATTAN MEETS AUBURN. There are ways Auburn can lose at Kansas State, and those ways all got a little more probable now that Auburn's starting safety Jermaine Whitehead won't be making the trip after getting into it with a coach. No matter the result, pretty much everyone agrees that Auburn will score like crazy (as usual,) and that Tyler Lockett will still have an insane night because he is very good at football.

    TIM MURPHY DOESN'T HAVE A BAD IDEA HERE. After heart surgery, the Harvard coach will be stepping back at bit to work as a CEO, and almost have something like a life.

    ETC: Please say Brady Hoke is going to meet Pussy Riot, and that they will dine together on Tri-Tip while discussing art as a public struggle against private tyranny. It's Dom Perignon, it's supposed to bubble. (Just be like that sometimes.)


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    POKEMON

    This week's previews are done by a college football fan from the year 1999.

    Auburn at Kansas State. He's still there? DOGG. Well, that probably means it's a collection of like fifty rejects from other programs and other soldered-together football players borrowed from Eastern European handball squads. They'll probably win ten games and go to a big bowl game in Texas-ish, right? Auburn's got no shot, that Tuberville dude should have stayed at Ole Miss. THAT'S a job with a future and real stability.

    UConn at South Florida. They're showing FCS games on tv now? Cool. SUUUUURRRRRRRRGE!!! [/skateboards off a granite cliff in fat pants on company time]

    Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech. Since the Hokies are probably coming off like their second or third national championship this could be a letdown game. History's over, and everything's been peaceful for the past 15 years. How's Mike Vick doing? Who wants to be a millionaire? Anyone who drafted him, that's who, Regis!

    Florida at Alabama. No way Mike Dubose beats Spurrier once, much less twice in a year. No flippin' way.

    Texas State at Illinois. With the juggernaut Ron Turner's got going in Champaign there's no way this isn't a blowout. The Illini are finally starting to see the whole Matrix. Pokemon.

    Utah at Michigan. A conference as prestigious as the Big Ten doesn't need to water down their schedule with this business. A stronger move would have been some historical power like Purdue or possibly UVA, even if Lloyd Carr is still starting weak-armed statues like Tom Brady.

    Mississippi State at LSU. LSU's ranked eighth? TOLD you Gerry DiNardo would get things rolling eventually. Now you owe me Chris Gaines tickets.

    Maryland at Syracuse. A buddy of mine bought stock in a cell phone company recently. How stupid is that? Flash in the pan industry that only appeals to dumb teens. Give me something sturdy and reliable, like the Big East. It's so money! (swing dances)

    Oklahoma at West Virginia. A weird non-conference game to schedule but it's hard to turn down a quality Big East team when you get the chance to put 'em on the schedule. It might be a real Fight Club, but we're gonna have to break a few rules and talk about it Sunday morning if the Sooners pull the upset on Don Nehlen's boys!

    Clemson at Florida State. Clemson at Florida State. A little bit of Bobby in my life! A little bit of Tommy by my side! A little bit of Terry in the sun! A little bit of Jeff just calling runs! Really makes you think how awesome it'd be to have a Bowden Number Five!

    Miami at Nebraska. Sometimes you've just got championship in your blood. Miami gets that, just like Lance Armstrong.

    Oregon at Washington State. Might want to avert your eyes from this inevitable bloodbath. Shit, that didn't change at all. Um...

    joey harrington is

    we're so sorry about that


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    THE NICEST HIGHLANDER

    NEBULOUS STATISTICAL COMPARISONS OF DUBIOUS VALIDITY

    Can you quantify how annoying a team is to play? Probably, and a good place to start for that offensively would be looking at the split between run and pass, and how balanced you are because nothing is more annoying than an offense capable of doing both with equal proficiency.

    Through just two games Kansas State is already on schedule to be the most obnoxious team to defend in college football, balancing out at 472 yards rushing to 477 yards passing on the year. This year they're sitting at a 56.0% run rate on standard downs (75th nationally) and 36.7% on passing downs (43rd in the nation.) From a defensive coordinator's viewpoint, you know you're going to see a faceful of the run, and by the time you see the play-action pass it's usually over your head, and Bill Snyder's poker face is amazing even by crafty old man standards.

    Oh, they run the shit out of the pop-pass, too, Auburn. Tonight's broadcast will be sponsored by the bottled tears of linebackers with whiplash from looking at the wrong place, all the time, for four quarters.

    ADVANTAGE: Kansas State

    KANSAS STATE, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

    MASCOT

    It is easy to mock Auburn for having two mascots, Aubie

    9048291_medium

    and the War Eagle

    9048392_medium

    but you have to understand that, in Alabama, there is no such thing as having too much of something, because everyone in the state is just a tweaked-back-from-lifting-lumber-into-the-truck-bed away from a lifelong painkiller addiction that wipes out your bank accounts and forces you to join a shantytown gang. You don't feel bad about mascot gluttony, because you know the truth: tomorrow, we're going to Home Depot to get some gazebo materials.

    Kansas State also has two mascots. Or HAD.

    WHERE IS ECOKAT, KANSAS STATE. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER. ANSWER ME, KANSAS STATE.

    ADVANTAGE: Auburn.

    AUBURN, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

    AURA

    Bill Snyder Family Stadium has a surprisingly vicious reputation in the Big 12 for a place that sounds like it was named after some 1950s era Grand Ole Opry members. ("The Bill Snyder Family, here to sing "Aint' That A Whisper From the Mountain, featuring June Carter on fiddle and some extra washboard work from special guest Timbers Flatrack. Remember this broadcast is sponsored by Martha White. Get your biscuits right with flour from Martha White! Take it away, Papa Bill!")

    If you're curious about whether it's on Yelp, the answer is yes:

    The worst part about this stadium was the bathroom situation. I have never seen such lines, especially on the west side of the stadium. The men's lines were incredible and the stench of urine was gross. Ugh.

    Just pay Yelp 50 bucks or so, and that comment will magically disappear, K-State!  The stadium itself is very loud for a 50K seat place, and yet not a single Kansas State fan was arrested last year. This either means they are very well-behaved, or laws are suspended and only atavistic primal rage rules in Manhattan as long as there is time on the clock. (Kansas didn't have a single fan arrested last year, either, but that happened for entirely different reasons.)

    TL;DR: It's loud, might still smell like pee, and is a tough place to play.

    ADVANTAGE: Kansas State

    KANSAS STATE, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

    NAMES

    Auburn:

    Kalvaraz Bessent
    Gimel President
    Cassanova McKinzy
    Tucker Tuberville
    Gage Batten

    Kansas State:

    Jordan Kupersmith
    Terrell Clinkscales
    Valentino Coleman
    Kade True
    Charmeachealle Moore

    Okay, let's start finding the matchups. Charmeachealle cancels out Kalvaraz. Kade cancels out Gage. Valentino cancels out Cassanova. Clinkscales cancels out President.

    That just leaves us with Jordan Kupersmith vs. Tucker Tuberville. I think we always knew any success Auburn's enjoyed in the last few years was thanks to Tommy, and that's just as true in the Factor Five. WAR TUCKER.

    ADVANTAGE: Auburn

    AUBURN, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

    GRUDGES/SCORES TO SETTLE/SHEER CUSSEDNESS

    Kansas State is 0-3 historically against Auburn, so there might be some tiny bit of motivation there. What might be more powerful: Bill Snyder's lingering rage at the greycoats who killed his mate Johnny Hoppensworth at the battle of Shiloh, where Bill lost the last ounce of love in his heart for like, a good century or so. Hurt to watch a man die like that, even after seven hundred years of hard living on this planet. Bill Snyder is the Nicest Highlander, but he'll still cut a man's head off if it's part of the job.

    ADVANTAGE: Kansas State.

    KANSAS STATE, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

    THE FIVE FACTOR SAYS: Kansas State wins this, though it's a narrow 3-2 victory. Which probably means Auburn will blow the Wildcats out of the water, because the Factor Five Five Factor Preview is very wrong and stupid. #RonPrince4FFFFP


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    AN IMPORTANT DEBATE

    Last night during the Auburn/Kansas State game Bill Snyder gently suggested that, in his halftime adjustments, one thing the Wildcats needed to do was conceal their signals better. This implies that Auburn was reading Kansas State's offensive signals sent in to the quarterback, and thus knew what was coming on every play.

    This question is our important poll question of the day: should we be worried about stealing playcalls in college football?

    Poll
    Is stealing playcalls a real thing we should be concerned about?

      913 votes |Results


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    COME TO US, EMOTIONS BALL

    TODAY I HAVE THE EMOTIONAL BALL AND I AM FEELING LIKE:

    [grabs ball]

    I FEEL EXCITED WHEN...I get to watch football, especially if it is Florida! That's a great thing.

    I FEEL HELPLESS WHEN...I get to watch Florida football, especially when I have watched it any time over the past five years.

    I FEEL ANXIOUS WHEN...I watch Florida football, ever.

    I FEEL SAD WHEN...I know that i'm going to drive all the way to Alabama only to watch this team take a brick in the teeth again from Alabama, and that I'm going to have to do it alone because no one else is stupid enough to go to this game with me because we are going to lose, and lose badly because this is not a very good football team and the person running it is our Ray Goff/Mike Shula type, and we will just have to fire him sometime in the next four months.

    I FEEL USEFUL WHEN...I can make myself laugh watching a blowout. It's really my only purpose in a blowout: to heckle everything equally, and maintain an even keel when the rare superGumpy Bama fan looks at you and says "We don't have no arrests, because we keep ours in line." That's what a dude said to me the last time I went to Bryant-Denny Stadium with a straight face. I think this was shortly after John Brantley was folded into a human paper swan and floated down the river sometime in the third quarter. The other time I went, Tyrone Prothro snapped his leg right in front of me and I almost threw up on my shoes. Forget this, Emotional Ball. There is no way for a Florida fan to feel useful in Tuscaloosa.

    I AM EMBARRASSED WHEN...nothing. Nothing Florida does could embarrass me. We went to triple OT against Kentucky last week. This team is a dog that shits in the yard and looks you right in the eye while it does it. It's my fault for looking, because that is what this dog does and will always do. If we punt down 30 on the Alabama 34 I will laugh and probably tweet out pictures of Alabama fans smoking Marlboro Reds in the upper deck.

    I FEEL HAPPY WHEN...I listen to UGK, Emotions Ball. Super Tight and Ridin' Dirty are going to get me through this year.

    I GET UPSET WHEN...I don't have a ticket. Seriously, hit me up, I don't have a ticket yet.


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    Few Playoff contenders escaped the weekend without major question marks, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

    An instantaneous survey of five teams in the best position for the College Football Playoff's four spots at this very moment, plus the biggest threats looming for each. Be advised: these have nothing to do with the Top 25 polls. If you get mad about this, you will be pointed to the previous sentence.

    Oregon

    Everyone is bad and no one can play football. Just look at Oregon, going to play 1-2 Wazzu in Pullman in what should have been a walk-through against a hapless defense. Oregon had no clue how to defend Wazzu, let the Cougars do some damage against the Ducks' still wobbly offensive line, and took a 38-31 loss in coming away with the win. No, that last sentence is right. Shut up.

    The point being: Oregon looked very bad and still won, and still resembles the kind of team that miiiiiiight have some trouble when blocking large, aggressive, and mean-spirited defensive lines. Is this suggesting that Stanford still might be the well-camouflaged speed hump that obliterates the Ducks' front end when they fly over it at 70 miles per hour roaring down a residential street? This is exactly what we're suggesting here.

    Threats: Well, you know what they say: "Once you've barely beaten a 1-2 Wazzu team, the world is your oyster."

    No one has ever said this before, and the primary threat to Oregon is still Stanford on November 1. The Ducks do play Arizona next, a team capable of anything after scoring 36 points in a quarter and winning by a hail mary. That happened against Cal, mind you, but it still definitely happened.

    Alabama

    If there are any qualifiers to add to an otherwise dominant 42-21 performance against Florida, it would be these:

    1. Alabama turned the ball over four times, the only thing keeping Florida in this game for any sustained length of time. Against a team with an offense, this might be a problem.
    2. All those passing yards came against Florida defenders playing with live bees nesting in their helmets. More than a few of them came on massive coverage busts no employable coach would allow to happen.
    3. Florida is a damn shambles. That really can't be said enough here.

    Otherwise, Lane Kiffin appears to be channeling his 2005 genius directly and consistently to his new digs in Tuscaloosa, Blake Sims is playing brilliantly, Amari Cooper might be the best wide receiver in the country, Derrick Henry is earning his nickname, "Tractorcito," on every carry, and Landon Collins is emerging as the secondary's best playmaker. They don't have a pass rush, but it's really better to just let Jeff Driskel do your work for you, anyway. They're SO in at this point.

    Threats: Texas A&M, which conveniently gets to play the Tide after Alabama gets a thorough meat-tenderizing at the hands of run-giddy Arkansas. Auburn, because it is Auburn and this is Alabama.

    Texas A&M

    A value-free 58-6 win over SMU proves nothing we didn't already know about the Aggies: show them a free steak, and they will devour it in seconds.

    Threats: Big, thumpy Arkansas this coming weekend. The Razorbacks' motto for this year: "You may win, but you'll be really, really sore."

    Down the road, the Aggies have got Alabama, Auburn, and the suddenly menacing Mississippi State.

    Florida State

    Took the Tigers to extra time and won thanks to Clemson's inability to get a single yard on fourth-and-1, so that's something positive for a team playing without its starting quarterback. The margin isn't comfortable, but if the criticism of Florida State was that the supporting players weren't pulling weight in weeks one and two, well, that is no longer a concern, particularly on defense. One troubling counterpoint: this all happened against a Clemson team clearly in rebuild mode and bent on literally handing Florida State the ball at the end of the game.

    Threats: October 18th, when Notre Dame comes to Tallahassee, and the following week at Louisville. Does Boston College seem like something Florida State could totally overlook at the end of the season? Boston College, even after beating USC, seems like something you could totally overlook.

    Oklahoma

    It's not fair or necessarily accurate, but it's fun anyway to look at what Alabama did against West Virginia at a neutral site, then look at OU's punch-for-punch finale against WVU in Morgantown in a 45-33 victory, then think about both the Tide and the Sooners still being pretty reminiscent of last year's teams.

    Sooners fans may be concerned about the amount of yardage given up. But realize that West Virginia is one of the best teams in the nation on offense, and that you were on the road playing in the haunted reaches of Milan Puskar Stadium. (This is literal: it's totally haunted, and if you don't believe us, then go there and feel the ghostly chill for yourself.)

    Threats: Baylor on November 8 and Oklahoma State on December 6.

    BUBBLE TEAMS THAT WISELY DECIDED NOT TO PLAY FOOTBALL THIS WEEK

    UCLA, Baylor, Notre Dame, Arizona State.

    UNDEFEATED TEAMS THAT BOMBED SPECTACULARLY OUT OF TITLE CONTENTION WITH DISPLAYS OF BREATHTAKING INCOMPETENCE

    MISSOURI WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING LOSING TO INDIANA

    ONCE-PROMISING PLAYOFF TEAMS THAT EVEN SORCERY COULD NOT SAVE

    LSU, losing to Mississippi State at home despite a trademark last-minute flurry of points and hail mary attempt.

    TEAMS WE JUST THINK WE ALL NEED TO MENTION EVEN THOUGH IT SEEMS JUST AS WEIRD TO YOU AS IT DOES TO US

    Mississippis, both State and Ole? It's weird, but undefeated is still undefeated at this point.

    Auburn, who won a tough game against Bill Snyder and the best and most cunning football tactics of 1960.

    BYU, just lurking out there in the dark with a smile and probably some delicious Jell-O.

    Nebraska's 4-0, because we hope math means as little to you as it sometimes means to us.


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    A TRIUMPH FROM START TO FINISH

    Blatant Homerism looks at most Florida games up close in an entirely biased, pro-Gator fashion. This week we highlight the positives of the Alabama-Florida game. Or, um: "positive."

    SORRY BUT THERE'S ONLY WAY TO SAY THIS BUT SORRY BAMA

    KYLE CHRISTY IS THE BEST FOOTBALL PLAYER IN AMERICA

    20121020_kdl_sv7_237_medium

    ALMOST ANYONE CAN WIN A FOOTBALL GAME BUT WHO CAN DOMINATE IN A LOSS? THAT'S RIGHT, ONLY KYLE CHRISTY. LOOK AT THAT SHIT. JUST LOOK AT THE SNAPPING POWER IN ONE LEG. THAT'S LIKE FIVE SNAPPING TURTLES HIDING UNDER ONE MAN'S PATELLA. IT'S NOT FAIR BUT KYLE CHRISTY HAS THE POWER OF THE ENTIRE ICHETUCKNEE RIVER'S ECOSYSTEM IN ONE KNEE. IF HE KICKED YOU WITH BOTH LEGS YOU WOULD DIE LIKE A DRUNKEN COWBOY TRYING TO SHOE A MULE, AND HE HASN'T DONE THIS ONLY BECAUSE HE IS A MAN OF MERCY.

    THANK HIM. THANK HIM FOR THE BREATH YOU TAKE RIGHT NOW.

    MAYBE YOU NEED SOME STATS, NERDENHEIMER. WE GOT 'EM.

    1. KYLE CHRISTY AVERAGED 52.7 YARDS PER PUNT. THAT'S A WHOLE HALF-FIELD PLUS SOME LAGNIAPPE. "LAGNIAPPE" IS A FRENCH WORD FOR THE NUMBER OF YARDS PER PASS JEFF DRISKEL AVERAGES. WE KNOW THAT BECAUSE FLORIDA'S A PRETTY GOOD SCHOOL WITH A PUNTER WHO CAN KICK A HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF THE DARKEST NIGHT AND BRING SUNSHINE TO THE PEOPLE.
    2. BAMA'S CHRISTION JONES ONLY GOT 17 YARDS OF RETURN YARDAGE ON THE DAY. CHRISTION JONES CAN RETURN A PUNT THROUGH THE SEVENTY-FIRST LAP TRAFFIC OF A RACE AT TALLADEGA. KYLE CHRISTY CAN TURN A BALL INTO AN ALBATROSS.
    3. KYLE CHRISTY IS FIRST IN THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES IN PUNTING AVERAGE. THAT'S AHEAD OF PUNTING FIENDS LIKE VIRGINIA TECH. FRANK BEAMER SITS BY KYLE CHRISTY'S BED AT NIGHT AND STROKES KYLE CHRISTY'S HAIR WHILE HE SLEEPS. THEY'RE BOTH OKAY WITH IT BECAUSE KYLE CHRISTY IS A GIVING SOUL AND UNDERSTANDS MALE AFFECTION ISN'T A SIGN OF WEAKNESS, ESPECIALLY IF IT'S WITH FRANK BEAMER.

    MAYBE YOU WANT VISUALIZATION, VOX DOT COM. WE GOT THAT, TOO. CLICK TO MAKE IT BIGGER YOU'LL WANT TO BECAUSE IT TOOK THREE MINUTES TO MAKE, JUST LIKE OUR OFFENSIVE GAMEPLAN.

    Kyle_christy_genius_medium

    IN SHORT THERE IS NO FINER FOOTBALL PLAYER ON THE PLANET THAN KYLE CHRISTY. PUNT ON THIRD DOWN FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON LIKE IT'S THE CFL AND WE'RE THE MONTREAL ALOUETTES, MUSCHAMP. IT'S PRACTICE FOR WHERE YOU'LL BE NEXT YEAR, ANYWAY. THIS IS ALL WE'RE WRITING HERE ABOUT THE ALABAMA GAME WHICH WAS A TOTAL BUTT-STUTTERING RAIN OF DEAD GOATS AND HELLFIRE IN ALL DIRECTIONS THAT WAS MUCH WORSE THAN THE BOX SCORE EVEN INDICATES.

    TL; DR: KYLE CHRISTY IS A GOD. A THUNDERLEGGED, SWAGGERING GOD. A FOOTBALL IS PIGSKIN AND HE MAKES IT FLY FOR DAYS AND THAT MAKES HIM THE PERSON WHO MAKES PIGS FLY, BASICALLY. KYLE CHRISTY BROKE ADYNATON, Y'ALL. HE'S OUT HERE PUNTING BALLS THROUGH ANCIENT GREEK RHETORIC. GIVE HIM A DAMN HEISMAN BEFORE HE KICKS A WINDOW THROUGH PATHOS.


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    <iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/zR_-YIPP49U" allowfullscreen="true"></iframe>

    Nick Saban was normcore before normcore existed, so yes, you should listen to both his advice about fashion and finance.


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