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    Corrine Brown brings the HARDEST DROPS.


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    JIMBO FISHER CELEBRATES FLORIDA STATE'S BIGGEST WIN OF THE YEAR. That victory is the suspension and reprimand of the officiating crew from the Miami game by the ACC. Even in a league known for surreal officiating, the dominating performance of the officials from FSU's 33-20 victory over the Hurricanes stood out as "Ron Cherrytastic," including several bizarre offensive pass interference calls and a clock runoff no one bothered to properly explain. Please see the number of Facebook likes for the article, and then enjoy ACC fans' deep hatred of their own zebras.

    THIS IS HEALTHY. UGA safety Shawn Williams says Georgia is playing the wrong players on defense and also lacks any emotion on the obstinate side of the ball. For the first time this year, we type this seriously and without affect: MARK RICHT REALLY HAS LOST CONTROL OF SHAWN WILLIAMS THIS IS NOT A JOKE HE HAS.

    EXPLETIVE. Godfrey went to the latest debacle for Auburn and found a fanbase all too happy to throw Gene Chizik over the lip of the stadium. (Well, maybe not yesterday, since his mother died, but probably after a respectable mourning period.)

    JERRY PALM ENDORSES K-STATE AND BATH SALTS. To be fair, all bowl projections look insane on October 22nd.

    MANNION BACK? Oregon State has Sean Mannion listed as the starter against Washington just two weeks after having minor knee surgery. Sean Mannion, in other news, may be Wolverine.

    ETC: When GIFs become tattoos, this one is first on our back. Hey, Abby: you are seconds away from being made love to or shot. We never know which one with Raylan. HI GUYS.


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    In preparation for his inevitable takeover--it's totally happening, Tennessee fans!--at the University of Tennessee, we asked Jon Gruden to give every player on the Tennessee roster a JON GRUDEN NICKNAME. He complied. Loudly.

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    1 Michael Palardy PK/P

    I call THIS GUY P-FUNK because of the way he kicks it on the one every time!

    2 Alton Howard WR

    This fella's called THE FOOD NETWORK because man does my wife like watching him.

    2 Michael Williams DB

    Some guys just blend in on a team and that's why I call this guy CAMOUFLAGE.

    3 Byron Moore DB

    Went to community college, so I'm calling this guy BUS PASS because he probably had one.

    3 Tyler Drummer WR

    He's white and he doesn't touch pigskin. That's why I'm calling him JOHN WALKER LINDH.

    4 LaTroy Lewis LB

    I call him FRENCHIE because he's really fond of pornography and pickles.

    5 George Bullock PK

    THIS GUY. My nickname for him is FRANK JACKSON because I've never met this dude or anyone named Frank Jackson

    6 Vincent Dallas WR

    Oh, ol' Vinnie Dallas here. I call this guy THE METROPLEX because he's constipated and sweaty a lot.

    7 Drae Bowles WR

    This man is AFTER C because vowels, man.

    7 Corey Alexander DB

    I got a name for THIS GUY and that's COSTCO because he's always eating a hot dog.

    8 Tyler Bray QB

    Oh. OHHHHH. I LOVE me some T-Bray. I like a beverage, but my favorite? SWEET T, because he's JUST THAT SWEET and also because TOO MUCH OF HIM WILL GIVE YOU DIABETES. I also like callin' him INT because he's INT the zone.

    9 Daniel Gray DB

    No film on this guy, so I'll call him ONE SHADE OF GRAY.

    9 Sam Cranford WR

    THIS GUY is from Music City, Nashville, Tennessee. That's why I call him THE BIG EASY.

    10 Marsalis Teague DB

    Nicknames? Oh, I got one. This fella is hot like Atlanta, so I call him THE BIG EASY.

    11 Justin Hunter WR

    I like the way this guy moves all over the map, and that's why I call him FRAGGLE ROCK'S OWN TRAVELIN' MATT.

    12 Nathan Peterman QB

    Not sure if he's Jewish, but if he is I'm calling him MOSHE DAYAN because he'd look great with an eyepatch.

    13 Naz Oliver DB

    He's like a misspelled Nas, and that's why I'm calling him DOG'S SON.

    13 Patrick Ashford QB

    I call him PATRICK because he lives under a rock with his dad.

    14 Justin Worley QB

    Never seen this guy put on deodorant, and that's how coach gets to callin' you FLYTRAP.

    15 Tyrin Fairman DB

    From Jersey, so I call him THE SLEEPY TOLLBOOTH OPERATOR.

    15 Marlin Lane Jr. TB

    Coach thinks you've got fight and size, so I'm puttin' a hook and some heavy line to keep you on the field, BIG FISH.

    17 Joe Stocstill QB

    Likes poetry and can't move, so I call him THE RHYME MERIDIAN.

    17 Brent Brewer DB

    He's a beast and he should be makin' beer, so I call him THE YEASTMASTER.

    18 Jason Croom WR

    Hasn't scored a touchdown in SEC play, so yeah you should probably just call him CROOM.

    19 Tyler Coombes DB

    I don't know this guy, but if he's a man he likes to hunt, so I'll call him BUCK URINE.

    19 Devrin Young TB

    He likes to rub in pass protection, and that's why I call him THE FROTTEUR.

    20 Rajion Neal

    This fella. WOO. LIkes to rage, and that's why I call him MUSLIM TOMMY.

    22 Reggie Juin TB

    Once saw him trip on a mat, so you're gettin' BELL'S PALSY until I see any different.

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    22 Rod Wilks DB

    When I met him he had a sty, so gonna have to call this guy STUTTEREYE.

    23 Prentiss Waggner DB

    Settled the West with a Conestoga and a dream! Hello there, BULLWHIP MCGILLICUDDY!

    24 Deanthonie Summerhill TB

    A big ol' country boy from Alabama who chose Tennessee needs one name: FOREVER REDSHIRT.

    24 Eric Gordon DB

    Bet this coverage guy likes dogs. Lemme see your tip drill, ST. FRANCIS OF PASS-SISSI.

    25 Quenshaun Watson TB

    No mystery with this guy, Sherlock, and that's why coaches call him HERCULE POIROT.

    26 Geraldo Orta DB

    With that name and his vertical leap he's gotta be called AL CAPONE'S VAULT.

    27 Justin Coleman DB

    I was watching film of this guy and got distracted thinking about Kate Beckinsale. UNDERWORLD, you've got a lot to compete with.

    28 Deion Bonner DB

    No idea who you are. BANG! That's how I call you THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES.

    29 Tom Smith TB

    You gotta like a guy called TOM SMITH. That's why your nickname is MANDATED BY FEDERAL LAW.

    30 Alden Hill TB

    His last name is Hill and he's always running. Buenos dias to you, KATE BUSH.

    30 Max Arnold DB

    Two first names and he's twice as good as you think he is. BILL JOHNNY JULIO OMAR, come on down.

    31 Tino Thomas DB

    LUCKY. That's what I call everyone from Memphis who doesn't live there anymore.

    33 LaDarrell McNeil DB

    Got a feeling he's gonna make headlines one day. LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED, you go get that ball.

    34 Herman Lathers

    HERBAL ESSENCES.

    35 David Page TE

    Hmm. Gonna have to Google you for inspiration and whoa ho that's why I'm calling you CLIPART.

    35 Jaron Toney DB

    Tells you what's gonna happen when, but only in 1991. DAYTIMER.

    36 Cody Blanc WR

    Sorta French and plays wideout. POUTINE, you're gonna have to show me somethin'.

    37 Brian Randolph DB

    I like this movie a lot, so you get lucky, THE GENERAL'S DAUGHTER.

    38 Justin King FB

    He's just in king so he's got to get the title of ROYAL DILDO.

    39 Michael Cantwell LB

    Lots of campus parking tickets overdue. BOOTFACE.

    39 Ben Bartholomew FB

    He's Ben everywhere, and that's why I dub thee JOHNNY CASH.

    40 Alex Ellis TE

    Majoring in Biomedical Engineering? Pulling this out of coach's magic hat: THIRD STRING.

    40 Raiques Crump LB

    From Alabama and named "Crump." It's not easy, but you'll have to live with FICTIONAL AND RACIALLY IGNORANT CONSTRUCT FROM AN MFA THESIS.

    41 Dontavis Sapp LB

    Valdosta is his hometown. Gotta call this guy KING FROG OUTLET.

    42 Derrick Brodus PK/P

    He's a kicker, so his name for me is BASTARD COLQUITT.

    42 Charles Folger TE

    I love tight ends like I love my favorite things. Coach has to label your locker YOGA FART.

    43 Matt Darr P

    He's a punter named Darr, but I call him THE TRUTH because he's my choice every time.

    43 Dakota Summers TE

    A poetic name, isn't it? HENRY BLOCKSWORTH LONGFELLA.

    44 Maurice Couch DL

    I love this guy and his effort. He's no sofa, he's a LOVE SEAT.

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    45 A.J. Johnson LB

    The heart of this Tennessee defense. If you've seen that defense play, you already know why his nickname is HEART DISEASE.

    45 Austin Bolen FB

    You gotta be a real throwback to earn the nickname SMALLPOX BLANKET.

    46 Channing Fugate LB

    All Tennessee linebackers do is give up yards. FIRED JO-ANN FABRICS EMPLOYEE.

    47 John Propst LB

    That last name looks like it needs to buy a vowel, WHEEL OF FORTUNE.

    48 Greg King TE

    Sounds expensive. Gonna call you PARASAILING.

    48 Ryeon Wedley FB

    THIS GUY loves to block on the Iso play like no one I've ever seen, and never talks. FOREVER ALONE it is.

    50 Omari Phillips DL

    Three hundred powerful pounds from the Sunshine State? COKEBALES.

    51 Kenny Bynum LB

    Man-to-man is his specialty. No offense, but with that you gotta be GAY BAR.

    52 Christian Harris LB

    THE MISSIONARY. He knocks on your door, and you better answer.

    53 J.R. Carr DS

    With a name like that he's riding in the FASTLANE.

    54 Jordan Williams DL

    Just a monument of a man. Not the biggest monument though, so he's gonna be KOREAN WAR MEMORIAL.

    55 Jacques Smith

    BAGUETTE.

    56 Curt Maggitt LB

    Covers so much ground. RIVERDANCE.

    57 Andrew Henry DS

    Goes barefoot in the showers. ITCHFOOT.

    57 Mack Crowder OL

    I call him PETERBILT because FUCK HIM, THAT'S WHY.

    58 Marlon Walls DL

    Big man in the middle named "Walls?" That's why I call him JERICHO, because he's got walls and like the tv series he'll play about three seasons.

    59 Gregory Grieco LB

    Initials are GG so he's GOOD TO GO.

    59 Matt Giampapa DS

    You may not agree, but I love it when they call out Giampapa. That's why I call him TUPAC.

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    60 Carson Anderson OL

    THE TONIGHT SHOW.

    63 Adam Eichelberger OL

    GERMAN.

    64 James Stone OL

    STONEY

    65 Jacob Gilliam OL

    WADDLE

    66 Marques Pair OL

    BALLS.

    67 Alan Posey OL

    THE FLORIST

    68 Marcus Jackson OL

    OL' STICKORY

    69 Allan Carson DL

    ALSO THE TONIGHT SHOW

    70 Ja'Wuan James OL

    BROODWICH, cause this guy's one haunted sandwich.

    71 Dallas Thomas OL

    KNOTS LANDING, cause he's after the first Dallas.

    72 Zach Fulton OL

    Saw him eating a granola bar at practice. WOODSTOCK it is.

    73 Darin Gooch OL

    TAINT YOUR WAGON.

    74 Antonio Richardson OL

    Got a big head. Can't go wrong with TOLTEC.

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    75 Isaac Mobley OL

    Isaac is Hebrew for "laughter," so he's CHUCKLES to me.

    77 Kyler Kerbyson OL

    Can't be his real name, so I gotta go with PARENTS DIDN'T GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL.

    78 Alex Bullard OL

    THIS GUY is a real bull. I'll call him BJ ARMSTRONG.

    79 Brock Collier OL

    Brentwood, Tennessee's finest gotta be called AFFLUENT RACIST.

    80 Dylan West WR

    That's a cowboy name. BOOTS

    80 Corey Miller DL

    Probably a guy who likes his bacon. BACON.

    81 Mychal Rivera TE

    Can't spell THIS GUY's name without 'river.' BLUE DANUBE.

    82 Justin Meredith TE

    Reminds me of a young Al Golden at Penn State. That's why I call him THE GOLDEN CHILD.

    83 Zach Rogers WR

    Four touchdowns in four years of play? Hola, QUATRO!

    84 Cordarrelle Patterson WR

    I call him HARDCORE because this guy's a HARDCORE RECEIVER.

    85 Brendan Downs TE

    He's off to the races so I call this guy SPEEDWAY.

    86 Willie Bohannon LB

    Monster calves on THIS GUY. GIANTCOWBABY.

    87 Jacob Carter WR

    I call him "THE SNAKE" because it rhymes with Jake and also because he only eats ONCE A WEEK

    88 Joseph Ayres TE

    Hates sit-ups and loves tacos. TACOBELLY.

    89 Bryant Plumlee TE

    ADVERB

    90 Steven Fowlkes DL

    CRANKSHAFT

    93 Gregory Clark DL

    Major: Sociology. SOFT SCIENCE

    94 Darrington Sentimore DL

    I'm gonna call him DARRINGTON SENTIMORE, cause that's just a COOL NAME.

    95 Danny O'Brien DL

    IRISH

    96 Trevarris Saulsberry DL

    THE STEAKMAN

    97 Daniel Hood DL

    ASSASSIN'S CREED

    98 Daniel McCullers DL

    This hombre's one big spender and that's why I call him SWEET CHARITY.

    99 Trent Taylor D

    This guy's a pain in the ass and plays at Tennessee so I'm callin' him BUTTCHUG.

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    A. The wholesome and powerful Collin Klein is America's Heisman frontrunner. This is more true than ever now that Geno Smith has been possessed by the wandering spirit of John Brantley's 2011 season.

    B. Kansas State is undefeated and stands a realistic chance of remaining undefeated and making a run at the BCS Title Game. Collin Klein and his performance at the quarterback position is unquestionably to credit for much of the team's success.

    C. FACT: Bill Snyder did not recruit Collin Klein.

    D. FACT: One man did.

    E. FACT: One man, and also one...Prince.

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    TREMBLE BEFORE ROYALTY, UNGRATEFUL K-STATE FANS, AND PRAISE HIS NAME AS YOU ENJOY THE FRUITS OF HIS GENIUS WHILE HE LABORS AWAY IN EXILE.

    P.S. Ron Prince recruited Klein as a wide receiver.

    P.P.S. He also ran a pro-style system Klein would have been deeply uncomfortable playing in, thus eliminating much of what Klein has done so well as a rushing threat.

    P.P.P.S And then there's the small issue of the "rest of the team," especially defense, but also the discipline K-State seems to play with under Snyder that they never had under Prince.

    P.P.P.P.S. But damn your facts, especially when they're devastating to our case. SHOW YOUR RESPECT TO A PRINCE. (Via.)


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    PRESENTED WITHOUT COMMENT.

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    MIZZOU IS DOING QUALITY COMMUNITY OUTREACH. $7.600 at a Vegas strip club, to be fair, is like $7.60 anywhere else, but that's what you get for being stupid enough to go to a strip club that actually sits on the Vegas strip. No shame in the triple digit bill at Vince Young's steakhouse, though. Dude needs the business.

    CHARLES ROBINSON IS YOUR FREELANCE BOUNTY HUNTER. The Atlantic continues their campaign to fix the NCAA, and since we like quixotic efforts we approve of the idea-- especially the part where they suggest the NCAA get out of the enforcement business altogether, and has Charles Robinson hang around schools like Max Fisher just waiting to drop down and knock a corrupt recruiter out with a gas grenade.

    WE DON'T CONDONE BUT UNDERSTAND. Having the police intervene seems like you might have taken it a bit too far, but a mother who'll throw down in the stands for you seems like a mother either a.) worth having, or b.) one you have worn a fine groove in your eyelids rolling your eyes at over the years.

    TENNESSEE'S STAFF SEEMS AFFORDABLE. The buyouts for Tennessee's coaching staff add up to somewhere just over nine million bucks total. This seems expensive until you remember that Kirk Ferentz's buyout is $452 million over the next 392 years, payable to descendants of Ferentz adjusted for inflation until said debt is relieved. An Outback Bowl win ten years ago over a Ron Zook Florida team was TOTALLY WORTH IT.

    RELATED: This is what a fanbase sounds like when they are done, done, done.

    NOT RELATED, BUT CONTAINS BORGES REFERENCES. Like the Argentine master, the Borges offense is a brief self-referential labyrinth from which you will never escape.

    WHY THE LONG FACE, MACK? The hair, man. It's the hair. Though now that you look at it, Mack would make a fine Goth.

    THE MATH CONFIRMS IT. Colorado is terrible, and this is not news, but we now have the data to marvel at precisely how crapulent they really are. 123 in F/+ is as bad as one can possibly football, statistically speaking, without actually being UMass.

    ETC. MY NAME IS KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID. The Will Muschamp-o-lantern even has his glowing eyes! The Endzone Bar and Grill seems to be a place where you can get food and watch sports. Frank Beamer's diet secrets revealed.


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    You worry about fantasy sports taking over how you do everything in life. Then you learn Deion Sanders was so brainwashed by a life lived entirely in professional sports that he PAID HIS WIFE A SIGNING BONUS FOR A PRENUP. In comparison to Deion, you're just fine, sailor. You're doing just fine. (via)


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    Arkansas AD Jeff Long says Arkansas' next coach is currently employed at the college or pro level. This leaves so many horrifying possibilities for Arkansas fans, but it would be unfair to do that to an already traumatized fanbase recovering from both the Petrino Affair and the John L. Smith Experience. They don't deserve the pain, and to do so would be an act of cruelty---

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    Available. Charismatic. Brings the pro touch to go with the college attitude, meaning that punt from the opponent's 35 will have all kinds of festive marching band music playing behind it. We asked every NFL announcer and coach what they thought of him, and they all agreed that he was simply one of the best in the business!*

    *Also said about: Dick Jauron, Herm Edwards, Chan Gailey, Tony Sparano, Cam Cameron, Bruce Arians, Jack Del Rio, and a thousand other dudes most definitely not picking up a paycheck in the NFL!


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    BIG TURN FOOORTBAAWWWLLLLLL. This is Catlab's masterpiece, and that's saying something given their resume.

    The WHAAARRGGGGGLLL noises in the background and how absolutely fucked up Kirk Ferentz looks with a giant chin are tied for the best moments here, though how normal Jerry Kill sounds slowed down is also right up there.

    LET'S GIVE MACK BROWN SOME BREATHING ROOM. If he can't do the Longhorn Network's six hours of broadcasting, then someone else surely would be happy to fill the void. On a serious note: an ESPN deal resulted in the head coach of a program doing a mandatory six hours of television a week, and that is not at all weird or counterproductive to the overall health of the program they're selling.

    LET'S GIVE YOU SOME MEANINGLESS AT THIS POINT HEISMAN THOUGHTS. Bill C says market corrections are coming.

    OTHER MANDATORY THINGS. For twenty years, Bear Bryant had to wake up, drink Coca-Cola, and eat potato chips on air. Now, please imagine Nick Saban being forced to eat corn chips for money, and your day is made. You're welcome. #INTENSELYEATENCORNPRODUCTS

    CAIN LEAVES THE CANES. Deeply important Miami news, or just another dude dropping off the roster in Miami's roller coaster ride called The Al Golden Experience.

    K-STATE MASK AGREES. Your football field is made of rocks and sand and scorpions, which is stupid, but also kinda cool.

    IN LESS SANGUINE K-STATE NEWS. Bill Snyder used to keep such horrendous hours as an up-and-coming assistant that he would wake up his children in the middle of the night to play with them. Coaching and coaches are not normal, and never have been.

    GARY PINKEL NEEDS A TIP DRILL. The credit card saga at Mizzou gets the GIF it both needs and deserves. Of course it's NSFW, and one should never, ever click it ever.

    IOWA'S BEAR-CENTRIC COACHING CLINIC WILL TOTALLY RIGHT THE SHIP. The nice thing about BHGP going around the bend completely is that it's entirely identical to Iowa when things are going well.

    EL TORO! The longform for this week covers the improbable story of a paralyzed bullrider who decided to become the bull whisperer of our time. This seems insane, especially if you're in a wheelchair, but it's real, happened, and is awesome.

    ETC: The secret to long life appears to be drinking 2-4 glasses of wine a day and playing lots of dominos at the bar. The best bit in Big Ghost's review of Kendrick Lamar's new is naturally the Drake part.


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    Adversity. Will Muschamp is overcoming the adversity. He is also yelling at a radio reporter about the referees like a coach seconds from being fired, and not at all like an undefeated SEC coach nearing the end of the month of October. Coaching is hard, and for evidence just look at the man.

    If you saw anyone else in life--like, say, your average district manager--and saw them roaring away and approaching you in this condition, you would be legally justified in pulling the trigger and asking questions later. This man is screaming profanities, wearing ill-fitting clothing, and is talking to people he cannot see through his "headset."

    Beggars. Without branding, most coaches are indistinguishable from homeless people, or at least dudes at the grocery store you're going to let slide with a cart full of groceries in the 10-items lane. And please remember: WIll Muschamp is winning football games right now and looks like that. Assume losing coaches spend their seasons wearing garbage bags and adult diapers, and sleep in their offices with their eyelids propped open with paper clips.

    Catechism.

    Q: What does one feel about Notre Dame?

    A: One is conflicted. This is a team indistinguishable in profile from Florida: fierce defense, sluggish, run-first offense, and an undefeated record.

    Q: Why does one feel such hesitation about saying Notre Dame is an excellent football team?

    A: The usual reservations: their historic overvaluation over the past two decades, their suspect slate of Big Ten opponents thus far, and overcorrection needed to overcome the urge to say "Notre Dame is back" prematurely.

    Q: Is such overcorrection necessary?

    A: Unfortunately, yes. Saying Notre Dame is a national title contender is a disservice to a maturing team currently juggling a turnover machine (Tommy Rees) and a glittering but immature potential star (Everett Golson) at quarterback. It would also be a disservice to say that they are not a very good football team, since Manti Te'o and the Notre Dame defense are among the nation's elite. They deserve some cautious but realistic degree of praise.

    Q: Is one comfortable with saying they are a Top 10 football team?

    A: Certainly.

    Q: Is this damning with faint praise?

    A: Hell no. There are 124 teams in D-1 football. They're 90-plus in percentile right now, and excel in a way that frankly is more difficult by being a defensive team that also happens to field an offense.


    Bill Connelly: Can MSU scare Alabama? || Bud Elliott: Georgia will challenge Florida || Eric Murtaugh: Previewing Notre Dame-Oklahoma

    Differentiation. And, to continue the answer; the difference in Florida and Notre Dame is the degree of competition. The Big Ten is crap, utter and endless crap in all directions, for a lot of reasons the programs themselves might not be able to control. Stanford is punchless in a rebuilding year, Navy is miserable, and the Hurricanes are a shallow pan of football talent Al Golden is trying to stretch across a very wide cookie sheet of competition. Their best total win has to be soldered together with two wins: their defensive effort against Michigan combined with the second half effort against BYU.

    Exceptionalism (SEC edition). And in a sport where the primary organization unit is the conference, this is where Notre Dame loses. Stuck without a conference for instant framing, you have to piece together their record from a mongrel resume of Big Ten teams, historical rivalries, and whatever else gets jammed into their schedule. This is way easier to do with, say, Florida, an SEC team that can plausibly point to its resume and claim it's thriving in a league that has produced six BCS title holders in a row. (Note: easier, and not necessarily fairer, than what Notre Dame has to do.)

    Fred Jones Museum of Art. This points to Oklahoma, a "someone else" crammed into ND's schedule who happens to have a museum named this exact thing on their campus. If Notre Dame wants a legitimate claim at a title shot, then they have to slam Bob Stoops into a brick wall and then run the ambulance called to the scene into that same brick wall. This is not something Notre Dame is even remotely capable of doing offensively, who will face the first team this season capable of exploiting the one weakness the Irish defense might have: its secondary.

    Guhhhh. The following is addressing an article written on the World Wide Web by one Mersene Norbom. It is entitled "The Backyard Family Tailgater – Throw a true Southern Tailgater for the Whole Family." It is about none of this, and should be destroyed with a mortar like a true enemy of the state.

    Hartford. Ms. Norbom--if that is her real name, and it cannot be because Mersene Norbom is not a real name--is from Connecticut, and thus instantly disqualified from ever writing an article on a "Southern tailgater." As a fair and equal admission of regional specialty, I will recuse myself from ever writing about "having money" or "wearing things that have been ironed."

    Inaccuracies. The tailgater should start at 3:00 p.m., per Miss Norbom. This is inaccurate. A tailgate should start in the morning regardless of the game's start time. If it's a 7 o'clock kick in the evening, you're just going to have to plan three meals on the day, and make sure the generators and those operating them have enough fuel. The point is to devote the entire day to drinking under a tent and to not let your focus sway from this central point. This is so disappointing, since if there's one thing we thought uber-Waspy Connecticut ladies would understand, it would be "activities orchestrated to excuse prolonged drinking."

    Just further inaccuracies and shamefrolics. Oh, and this:

    The first rule: everyone must be outside and participate in something.

    Half-right may have been good enough for private school--no one pays that much money to get Ds, ma'am--but as a Southern non-apologist I feel comfortable saying this: no one here is required to do anything, ever. An SEC tailgate is the opposite of organization and quiet contractual obligation. RVs are parked on rare sea turtle breeding grounds. Fires happen. A game can be set out, but Uncle Phibas will be damned if he's going to get up to play it, because he fought in the Cola Wars of the 1980s and no man who ever served his country is ever required to do stupid shit like that ever again.

    Knowledge: Uncle Phibas is just some dude who showed up and started eating your food. You would say something about it, but he has a pretty thick neck, and you're not quite drunk enough to ignore this fact and fight him anyway.

    Littering. Openly condoned as a tailgate decoration here.

    For pregame snacking, set a buffet table outside and decorate with fall colors: a brown table cloth, freshly fallen leaves scattered about, pine cones, and twigs.

    No one's eating salad here, ma'am, unless you mean potato salad. Now, it is a matter of some controversy as to whether anyone has ever eaten potato salad, much less eaten it at a tailgate. It is perfectly obvious to all, however, that no one is going to appreciate you a.) throwing leaves all over the table, or b.) trying to get people to eat fiber. That's what the stringy parts of the pigs are for, lady, and that's why they call pork shank "The Citrucel of Pigmeats."

    Missing. So many things. There is no mention of a gigantic flatscreen toted to the tailgate, and then hooked up to a satellite feed to facilitate full football maximization on the Saturday. The words "camp chair" appear nowhere, and neither does the crucial phrase "Dorito Salad." Alcohol is a ghost here, and if a tailgate is about anything it's about getting drunk enough to be social. (By being social, we mean "watching football while having terse conversation without making eye contact.")

    Nonsequential. The greatest error of all is assuming you have to serve things in order. Nothing could be less accurate in terms of tailgate protocol. In our experience, dessert is produced in plastic containers first, and then meat is cooked on the grill second, and then after that it's all a tragic snowball of insulin-spiking carbohydrates and heartkilling tubemeats. She also suggests serving a quesadilla instead of gigantic hunks of meat or recently thawed discount hamburgers.

    Offramp. This woman is dangerously insane; listen to her words, and thus willingly take the offramp to hell itself.

    Pratfalls. Now that Cincinnati has dropped a game against Toledo and kept itself from being a pesky undefeated complication from the Big East, the prospect of returning the favor against Louisville this weekend makes for some tantalizing revenge porn. Louisville is due, too, riding a streak of close wins against middling competition. They only beat Southern Miss by four points, and even if they played the game in a monsoon there's no excuse for a team letting the 111th ranked team in F/+ hang on your back bumper for longer than a few seconds.

    Qyendarius. There are mere Quendariuses wandering the earth, but I will always opt for the greatest variation, linebacker Qyendarius Griffin of the University of Louisiana-Lafayette.

    Record. It's bad for you and good for Alabama fans when you have to go back a decade to find aberrant losses by Nick Saban-coached teams, but looking at Nick Saban football is really less about identifying weaknesses and more about unearthing proof of earlier, inexplicable disasters.

    Smash. The route combo Utah used to work Alabama in the 2008 Sugar Bowl, a really weird thing to think about now because Utah is now Utah, middling member of the Pac-12, and Alabama is Alabama. It's a simple route, but when run properly it is indefensible. It happens to be especially indefensible when an important offensive lineman is suspended, your team is totally unmotivated, and you are facing an opponent high on underdog fumes.

    Ternion. A word for three of something, as in the three things needed to beat a team as in sync as Alabama is right now: personnel losses, blind luck, and perfect execution of really basic things. Mississippi State has none of these, and only one real check mark in the asset column: they are a ranked team with a winning record, something Alabama has only played once. That number seems small, and then you look at the number of BCS-ranked teams Miss State has played: zero.

    P.S. Let's just ditch the equivalencies, and go back to agreeing on Mississippi State needing every lottery ticket it can get to win this weekend against Alabama. Remember: Ron Zook beat Nick Saban head-to-head. It's happened before, and so much more improbably.

    Unholy. The Oregon Ducks play Colorado this weekend. I remind you college has no forfeit rule, and perhaps should have at least an option for one provided you play a half of football. If you support a team's right to end a game with dignity, you'll vote yes for the halftime euthanasia option this February at the Rules Committee meeting.

    Valiant. Duke has never beaten Florida State. They play this weekend, and Duke has the rare opportunity to play them again if they run the rest of the table in the Coastal Division. If the ACC is about anything, it's about watching Duke lose by 20 TWICE to determine the conference title.

    Whirlyball. Taylor Martinez and Denard Robinson face each other in Lincoln, thus guaranteeing the highest proportion of dazzling runs to wobbling, indeterminately targeted passes of any game in FBS football this Saturday. To simulate this at home, simply go to your nearest Whirlyball court with a friend. It will look exactly like Nebraska-Michigan.

    X. The middle initial of Dana X. Bible, offensive coordinator for the NC State Wolfpack. His first offensive play has already been called in their rivalry game against UNC this weekend: the band rolled through UNC's campus blasting their fight song to horrendous reviews from resident Tar Heels.

    Ypsilanti. The home of Eastern Michigan, making it MAC country, meaning the entire city may have the opportunity to gloat over the Big East if Kent State (6-1) upsets Rutgers (7-0)s, thus completing the Big East's hypothetical weekend of seppuku and sadness.

    ZZ Top. Don't even have a football point for "Z" this week, but I would like to point out that if your parents listened to this when you were a kid, it's because they took recreational drugs frequently.

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    We will take any excuse to post a mascot hanging out of the side of a NASCAR racing machine. (Via.)


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    A LEISURELY NIGHT IN THE FOREST. Well, Clemson made an unlively game of it early, but at least you got to see Tajh Boyd throwing deep well into the second half because Chad Morris likes to watch things burn. Wake Forest sits at 4-4, but if they break bad down the stretch this will mark Jim Grobe's third straight losing season. Even at Wake Forest, that sort of might matter, particularly when Jim Grobe pulls down crazy money for a coach of his stature at a small school.

    THE RISE AND FALL OF THE HONEY BADGER. If you want the history of how this all came to be, Jason has it summarized neatly at the Mothership, concluding in his misdemeanor arrest for marijuana possession last night in Baton Rouge. Of course Jordan Jefferson is involved in this. Of course he is.

    EVERYONE AT MARYLAND IS INJURED FOREVER. This is true and just happened, and we would still double down on them finishing with a winning record because NOTHING RANDY EDSALL FOOTBALL DOES MAKES SENSE>

    BILL SNYDER LIKES HIS POPCORN CLEAN AND UNTAINTED BY MODERNITY. Your microwaves weaken the constitution, and Bill Snyder avoids them at all costs. He's still going at age 73, and you'd be best to follow his advice on popcorn and beyond. (Via reddit/r/cfb)

    DAMN IRON BOWL WHY YOU SO DELICIOUS? The themed moon pie rises in the sky, letting us know the time of the Iron Bowl is nigh.

    WHY PHONE IN A BOMB THREAT TO THE TEXAS A&M CAMPUS? Because she did not want a woman to get a job interview at the university. Hater 99th level, acheived.

    DELIGHTFUL. If Florida high schools are in a race to the bottom, uniform-wise, then the sound and sight of them hitting the bottom will be delightful.

    ETC. We only really want you to watch one thing today, and it is ten minutes of a bad Skate 3 physics. Just endless Duff'd It! in all directions. The Thing can get downright sexy when he wants to. China, you are so entertainingly corrupt.


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    For those of you traveling to the Cocktail Party this weekend, we thought we would include a series of helpful reminders about things which are quintessentially Floridian. If you are ambitious, we also clarify what is Next Level Floridian for the overachievers out there looking to do it right in Duval County this week.

    Florida: Village Inn.

    Next Level Florida: Ordering an entire pie for yourself and masturbating quietly in a booth at Village Inn while reading a children's Bible.

    Florida: Blaming Satan for reporting your septic tank code violation

    Next Level Florida: winning a county board seat on an anti-satan platform, and then defluoridating the water supply.

    Florida: Committing Identity Theft

    Next Level Florida: Committing Identity Theft on yourself.

    Florida: Buying all your Mother's Day presents at a Car Wash.

    Next Level Florida: Selling your mother and also crack cocaine out of a car wash.

    Florida: Indoor soccer practice facilities.

    Next Level Florida: Explaining to your son why you are banned from an indoor soccer practice facility.

    Florida: Having a derelict boat in your front yard.

    Next Level Florida: Having a derelict boat surrounded by ATF agents in your front yard.

    Florida: Texting while driving and ending up in a ditch.

    Next Level Florida: Texting while driving and ending up in The Ditch, a combination strip club/walk-in clinic.

    Florida: burning a business for the insurance money.

    Next Level Florida: burning a horse for the insurance money, and then watching that panicked horse run into a preschool.

    Florida: Bringing illegal fireworks to a Fourth of July party.

    Next Level Florida: Bringing illegal fireworks to a bris.

    Florida: Miniature golf.

    Next Level Florida: Miniature Dolph Lundgren, the steroid czar of Dade County.

    Florida: Wicker furniture.

    Next Level Florida: Wicker replacement hips

    Florida: Your sister gave a blow job to get backstage at an Uncle Kracker concert.

    Next Level Florida: Your elderly uncle gives blow jobs behind the Cracker Barrel, and refers to it as "an Old Timer."

    Florida: Cockfighting

    Next Level Florida: Cockfighting at a family reunion interrupted by a fatal archery accident.

    Florida: You have received unlicensed cosmetic surgical treatments in the last six months.

    Next Level Florida: You have received unlicensed cosmetic surgical treatments at a Sam's Club in the past six weeks.

    Florida: You are fined $500 for illegally spearfishing at night.

    Next Level Florida: You insist to the judge that a bread knife glued to a PVC pipe is not technically a spear.

    Florida: Having a large snake as a pet.

    Next Level Florida: Attempting to rob a bank using the snake as a weapon, and then fleeing the scene shirtless on a trick bike.


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    We went to Florida last weekend, and in between swooning over the perfect weather and Florida's astonishing luck on special teams, we talked to drunk people at tailgates. It's real pretty, and contains no less than 45 acres of Swindleface per frame.

    We'll be doing something similar at the Cocktail Party tomorrow, so please, don't be a stranger. We'll also have Shutdown Fullback coozies, aka the sleeve that keeps your beer cool, and may also burst into flame at any second. No one said you couldn't or shouldn't order promotional goods from North Korean suppliers.


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    Alabama: Allowed a TD to Mississippi State in a 38-7 deboning of the Bulldogs. With this display of complacent weakness, Alabama is clearly on the verge of total collapse as a football program. One Alabama message board commenter has actually said this in the past 24 hours. Not more than one, but exactly one.

    Oregon: Chip Kelly's threshold of tasteful slaughter? It's 70 points, making that points total the answer to "What is considered the mustard gas/war crime threshold in Chip Kelly's Football Geneva Conventions?" The Ducks hit Chip Kelly's gore limit in the third quarter of a 70-14 win over the Buffaloes, and then actively had to try not to score to end the carnage.

    Florida: You go to Jacksonville to play a football game. You turn the ball over six times. Behind, you have your first-year starter throw the ball 28 times against a defense with a Jarvis Jones. You suffer your first loss on the year, and blow a chance to go to Atlanta and taste the blade of Nick Saban. Don't ever play football against a live and motivated Jarvis Jones, because that is how you lose, 17-9, to Georgia.


    BCS standings, released Sunday night || Bowl projections: Bama-Oregon still on course

    Kansas State: The Wildcats were outplayed, outgained, and outrun in the first half against Texas Tech. They entered the locker room with a 13-10 lead. Then Optimus Klein woke up, and that's how you get a 55-24 blowout and a shiny new Werther's at the postgame handshake from Bill Snyder.

    Notre Dame: A fearsome defensive performance from the Irish against Oklahoma, and a late surge offensively by the Irish was ... stunning? Yes, we'll go with stunning, but let's come to an understanding here. One: The Irish winning a football game against very good competition is not surprising anymore. Two: Oklahoma losing football games and getting blown off the ball on both sides of the football is a surprise to no one.

    LSU: Bye week. Les Miles spent week working on the LSU passing game HAHAHHHA just kidding he's all caught up on The Walking Dead now.

    Oregon State: Lost, 20-17, to Washington. No In-N-Out Burger this week for the Beavers. :(

    Oklahoma: Bob Stoops, the NBC Sports Network thanks you for suddenly making Notre Dame-Pitt appointment viewing this week through an act of failure-based sorcery. (And they call Bill Snyder the wizard of the Big 12.)

    Ohio State: A 35-23 win over Penn State is a delight, but it would be nicer for Ohio State fans if they didn't have to say, "Braxton Miller appears to be alright after that," at least twice a game.

    USC: Just lost a game to Arizona where Marqise Lee had 16 receptions for 345 yards and two TDs. You think you have uncomfortable conversations with your father, and then you remember that your father isn't your ineffective defensive coordinator.

    Florida State: Extinguished the menace of "a potentially dangerous Duke football team" in a 48-7 ACC blowout like Momma Bowden used to make.

    Georgia: An emotional, violent and angry win over Florida 17-9 puts them right back in the SEC East title driver's seat. Mark Richt will now likely get distracted and drive headfirst into a magnolia tree called Ole Miss, but that's next week, man.

    Mississippi State: Scored a touchdown in a 38-7 loss, which is real progress against Alabama. This is not a joke. That's just how far down Alabama has beaten the rest of the division.

    Clemson. The school's official press release noted that Clemson "improved to 2-9 on Thursday night games," and here's where I rewrite this for you, Clemson SIDs. The 42-13 victory over Wake Forest "improved Clemson's historical performance on Thursday night by 100 percent."

    Texas Tech: Three turnovers against Kansas State will somehow be converted to 28 points. It's some insane Bill Snyder touchdown currency conversion rate that only exists in Manhattan, Kansas, but Tommy Tuberville's familiar with strange conversions. (See: taking the Texas Tech job and turning it into the Arkansas or Kentucky job. Ta-daaaaa!)

    Louisville: The best game of the week was a Big East game, Louisville's 34-31 OT win over Cincinnati. Teddy Bridgewater and Munchie Legaux should play against each other as often as possible, even if we have to do it in board games or other non-contact sports.

    South Carolina: A 38-35 win over Tennessee is marred by the worst knee injury we've ever seen, to Marcus Lattimore.

    Rutgers: Underestimate the MAC and die, Rutgers. Gary Nova threw six INTs in 35-23 loss to Kent State, and this is how you start using all that Carl Sagan's Cosmos you watched by making Gary "Super" Nova jokes.

    Stanford: A 24-17 win over Washington State notable for a.) Wazzu converting a 4th and 21 in the final minute to get first and goal and a shot at the tying score, and b.) for Wazzu taking a sack and intentional grounding on the final play and ending the game. Sometimes you win by letting the other team lose, and lose painfully.

    Michigan: A 23-9 loss to Nebraska has us firmly convinced Al Borges, Michigan's offensive coordinator, is actively trying to get fired to spend more time with his imaginary pet donkey, Hortense. This sounds improbable, but then consider that Al Borges has had no idea what to do with Denard Robinson on a college football field for two years now.

    Boise State: The 45-14 win over Wyoming included a polite handshake without incident from Dave Christensen. Way to go, Dave!

    Texas A&M: The 671 yards allowed by Auburn to the Aggies in a 65-21 home loss was the most ever allowed by the Tigers at Jordan-Hare Stadium. Now please rewind to SEC Media Days and the twenty minutes of "How aren't you terrified of playing in the SEC" questions for Kevin Sumlin, and laugh deeply.

    Ohio: The cradle of coaches is nothing to toy with, something a 23-20 loss to the MIami Redhawks should remind you of permanently, Ohio. Take solace in your mascot dancing mod-style to peppy Sixties music.

    Louisiana Tech: To be fair, you can't ever possibly be "up" for a game against New Mexico State, but 28-14 sounds way better than "was only up 7-0 at the half on FREAKIN' NEW MEXICO STATE."

    West Virginia: Bye week. Dana Holgorsen spent bye week interviewing new defensive coordinators while spinning donuts in the parking lot.

    Check the national college football scoreboard right here, and look through SB Nation's many excellent college football blogs to find your team's community.

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    Relevant Kanye: "So Appalled"

    1. There was this sandwich we ordered on the way into the game at Publix. We said, "Yes, turkey on whole wheat, and don't give us that banana pepper shit because you know what banana peppers are? FAILURES AS PEPPERS AND AS PICKLES, DAMMIT." Sandwiches are not born failures. They're made, and the path to failure starts when some clodhopping doltbag puts peppers on them, and then soaks the whole thing in oil and vinegar because yeah, a sandwich is basically a bread salad, right? FOOLS.

    2. So we got that sandwich, and realized it was a shit sandwich. Just a gigantic turd between two loaves of bread, still piping hot and reeking and wrapped in wax paper with a label that read "SHIT SANDWICH/ PRICE: ON THE HOUSE." Before we could complain, that shit sandwich grew arms--giant, swole arms ripped with anger and years in the gym--and beat us across the parking lot. It must have had legs, too, or simply levitated while raining blows down on our visored head, cursing about banana peppers and asking us if we were too good for them, and what was that crap about oil and vinegar because that shit gives a sandwich character and give when it could otherwise be a dry and miserable experiment in meat transferred between adolescent slices of toast.

    3. The shit sandwich then threw us into the side of a Nissan Armada, flexed, and then marched across the street to catch the bus.

    4. A bad omen would be nice, but bad omens are a matter of retro-narration. For instance: down 10-9 in the second half, Jason pointed up and goes "Hey, whoa, look." The clouds broke, and for the first time in four days easy you could see the sky, the blue sky of a late afternoon fading into a soft, blustery night in Jacksonville. That's the moment when you smile, give a thumbs-up to the skies, and Buddy Jesus gives you the thumbs up as Jeff Driskel drills a touchdown pass to tie up the game.

    5. That is the moment when Jarvis Jones decides that omens are bullshit, and are always bullshit. Just handing out shit sandwiches all day long, Jarvis Jones won this game and proved what we've always said: not playing Kentucky in football is one of the healthiest things you can do for your ailing superstars. (See: uselessTim Tebow concussions suffered in games where you really didn't need him anyway.) In fact, not playing Kentucky in football seems to heal injuries almost instantly, and in fact rejuvenate gimpy players who spent most of the season since the Mizzou game dragging one leg behind them. This is not sarcastic, and may be a new medical treatment.

    6. "We have declined chemotherapy, and instead wished to be placed on the inactive list for the Kentucky game." CURED.

    7. Jones finished the game with 13 tackles, four tackles for loss, three sacks, two forced fumbles, and two fumble recoveries. There is no hyperbole capable of magnifying the stat line. Every time Florida was on the verge of making something happen, Jarvis Jones smiled, put on a hairnet and Publix uniform, and happily handed a sandwich over the counter, the same shit sandwich every time, piping hot and fresh and designed just for you. He was an astonishing menace, and has been in this game two years running.

    8. Now please turn pro. It would make our lives and Jacksonville area grocery store sandwiches so much more pleasant, and give you insane, life-changing amounts of money. You are already the best defensive player Georgia has ever had at any position, and have nothing left to accomplish. Also, no one on my our football team can block you, although Jon Halapio is very good at placing both hands on your back after you flatten a ball-carrier. It's a talent, really.

    9. You can't be mad when the grand shitsandwiching is that grand, and that exaggerated. LIke, maybe you could be angry with two turnovers, or three, but coughing up the ball six times isn't even worth grief. Some shunt in your heart opens up, pipes in the Benny Hill, and even at 10-9 you lock the brain into solid farce mode. When Jordan Reed elevated and Jarvis Jones fist thumped the ball loose into the endzone, you didn't even expect a Florida player to fall on it. You expected anything but that: a Bulldog recovery, a Florida player falling into a sinkhole spontaneously opening below them, lightning to hit Will Muschamp, just anything but the good thing that would have given Florida a chance to tie the game.

    10. Jeff Driskel, drifting endlessly right on the final possession of the first half, was the breaking point. A quarterback has to throw the ball away there, and get something like points, and then nope that's a Georgia defender just standing there and waiting for the ball to hit him squarely in the numbers. After that, it was Yakety Sax for 30 minutes at varying levels of volume, and Jarvis Jones chasing Florida around like so many bikini girls fleeing Benny Hill.

    11. And yeah, maybe that was bound to happen. Playing big dumb marginal Will Muschamp football with an offense that had regressed over the past three weeks was going to catch up with you, and do so in a hurry when facing a Georgia team clearly high on rage and adrenaline lollipops from the start. There are a handful of teams capable of weathering six turnovers, and they are all in the top twenty offensively. Florida is in the basement of national offensive rankings, and was facing a burly defense bent on forcing Jarvis Jones into nook and cranny of its existence.

    12. SERIOUSLY JARVIS JONES IS INCREDIBLE HOLY SHIT AND YES THIS DESERVES ITS OWN LINE BECAUSE HE RUINED A TEAM SINGLEHANDEDLY EVEN THE LAST TOUCHDOWN PASS BY MURRAY WAS REALLY A FORMALITY THEY COULD HAVE JUST RUN HIM AT WILDCAT AT 10-9 TOLD HIM TO STAND STILL AND WE WOULD HAVE ALL WATCHED IN AWE AS PEOPLE JUST BOUNCED OFF OF HIM AND HE LAUGHED OH HOW HE WOULD HAVE LAUGHED.

    13. The rest of the game was unwatchable. Pease called a miserable game under miserable conditions. Mike Bobo remains a baffling source of loyalty for Richt, making only one really solid call the whole game: throw in single coverage to Malcolm Mitchell, and see what happens. Aaron Murray is regressing, and Jeff Driskel looked utterly lost much of the game. Georgia's offensive line was fine while Florida's struggled with basic assignments and never got Power working properly. Both defenses had fine days, and when offenses are this bad, defenses are going to have a lot of fine days.

    14. Even Georgia fans up until the end seemed to be having negative amounts of fun watching this. Grim, arms folded in contempt, and staring dead forward with the radio call blasting through their headphones, they seemed locked in a paralytic state of fear for their team, that they would fall into some Richtian hole of punts, blown assignments, and Bobo-tude down the stretch. We felt bad for them right up until the end, since being a Georgia fan seems to be fine most of the time, but a replay of the same horrors again and again when things go badly down the stretch.

    15. We sat near Big Dawg. Big Dawg spends most of the game posing with women and looking down their shirts. He also holds up his cane during the national anthem because, um, CANE SALUTE AMERICA SOMETHING. He was not our Georgia fan MVP. That would be the unknown soldier behind us who yelled out "DAMMIT BOBO" every twenty minutes or so. You are a hero, sir, and more of a gentleman that that attention-hogging, boob-ogling overall model ever will be.

    16. Runner-up: dude who spent most of the game with both middle fingers raised toward the Florida side. Like, the whole fucking game. It took real digital endurance, and we respect the training that must have gone into that.

    17. We wish we could say the same for Florida fans. We can't: this was basically last year's game all over again, a long hopeless clawing down the stretch interrupted by moments of sheer confusion. We had no idea this team would be undefeated going into this, playing so far above their heads and catching so many breaks that perhaps--yes, perhaps--this was coming all along. They're young. They're still learning. They needed this.

    18. But that's also retro-narration, and bullshit. Jarvis Jones is legitimately great, but the rest of this Georgia team could easily cough up the Ole Miss game this next week. (Do not lie: you feared this thing the minute the game ended, Georgia fan, because that would be the most Mark Richt thing ever to beat Florida, and then lose to Hugh Freeze's Bible College Achievers.) Florida was miserable on offense, and still coughed up their last chance in the endzone with a minute on the clock and a first-year starter at the controls.

    19. The rest is just the angry surprise shit sandwich of all shit sandwiches. The rest is hoping to win out and hoping for stupid things like "Ole Miss beating Georgia in Athens." That shit is. Fucking ridiculous.

    20. Trey Burton's hands were replaced by stone crabs taped to the end of his arms on Saturday. We demand an explanation.

    21. We have no idea what the officiating crew was doing on either side of the ball. But sure, it's your stadium. We can't stop you from doing your community theater dada in front of a live audience. That movie deal is surely en route to your house via courier RIGHT NOW, ATTENTION HOGGING OFFICIALS THROWING FLAGS RANDOMLY!


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    The Big Ten: if not our best college football league, then certainly our nation's tidiest. (via Bryan Fischer)


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    GNARLY, BRAH.


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    Hurricane

    You are about to have a hurricane blow through, greater Atlantic seaboard. I would tell you about how this is already the most important hurricane ever, and certainly the most terrifying, but that a) would be lies, and b) this is all you will hear from the news anyway, because everything that happens in the greater Northeast is THE BIGGEST EVER. California will just be over on the other side of the country shrugging off whole earthquakes and wildfires while you bail out your rec room and post the pictures on Instagram with the caption "NOW I UNDERSTAND KATRINA.*"

    *You don't, and shush. Your water isn't even on fire.

    As a former resident of Florida and disaster aficionado, I am here to help you with important hurricane survival and coping tips.

    1. YOU ARE NOT A SURVIVALIST. Don't even try to be. You see these wretched souls at Lowe's and Target before every hurricane, snatching up fifteen-dollar lanterns, hoarding gasoline, and moving with the frantic determination of someone who read The Road and thought, "Dude, I gotta be ready for that," and then totally forgot to get ready for whatever "that" is until eight hours before landfall.

    That takes longer than three hours and $400 of hasty, ill-planned purchases. You disrespect the hardworking lunatic survivalists of this nation by thinking you can turn your home into The Hilltop overnight, and need to remember one thing and one thing only. You are an American, and we practice survival as a people the American way: by driving toward a reasonably priced hotel, and spending several days eating out of vending machines. (PRO-TIP: If you see Zingers, hoard them not because they are nutritious, but because they are awesome and I'm pretty sure they'll catch on fire if you apply flame to them.)

    2. EAT ALL YOUR ICE CREAM. You don't have many excuses to eat all the ice cream in your freezer, so take it. It might melt! Precious calories you'll need for the post-hurricane world of roving chainsaw gangs and alligators roaming the flooded streets. If you are wrong, you just ate a tub of ice cream on your day off, most likely while watching television. There is no losing side to this strategy.

    3. DON'T JUMP ON THIS TRAMPOLINE. You will receive no superpowers for doing so. (Via)

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    4. BOOZE. If you are not evacuating, skip the rush for bread and milk and just hit the liquor store. Chances are that unless you are in areas severely affected by the storm, you will have the equivalent of a free indoors vacation day. I like the Dark 'n Stormy as an all-day beverage because it involves tasty ginger beer and bad thematic punnery, but there is no wrong way to drink the right thing in a private hurricane party. The bar, so to speak, is open.

    5. DO BUY A CHAINSAW. You need one. Shhh, you. You want time for me to explain why I need a chainsaw? The answer is simple: THERE'S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN, DAMMIT. (P.S. You will never use this chainsaw ever. However, in rebuttal to this, we say "CHAINSAW.")

    6. PANTS OFF. No one's watching, and pants are horrible. If you must, strictly pajama pants, and only the comfiest possible.

    7. NAP. Disrespect Mother Nature's most fearsome efforts by sleeping through as much of the day as possible.

    8. TIP, DAMMIT. There are places that stay open during hurricanes, and if you order delivery from one of these places you should tip the everloving crap out of the soggy bastards cursed with the task of delivering mu shu pork to your doorstep in gale force winds. I'm not implying that Chinese takeout places don't close during hurricanes. I'm telling you that they do not close for hurricanes or any other natural disaster.

    9. CHILL. If your power and cable lines are buried, you can do what I did for Hurricane Charley in 2004 in Florida; put your feet up, relax, and watch football tonight. It's still a disaster, but in comparison to psychopaths like earthquakes and tornadoes, the hurricane is the obese Victorian duellist of natural disasters. It writes a polite note telling you when and where it may arrive. It offers an exit, and then either drunkenly stumbles through your door, or perhaps changes directions entirely and forgets where it put its gun in the first place. It might eat your house, but then again, so would some drunken Victorian gentlemen.

    10. MOTHER NATURE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO WATCH MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL. That's fine. You probably have heard too much Jon Gruden calling football in your life. Question? How much Jon Gruden is too much Gruden? Answer: anything past these 23 seconds of life-changing video. THIS HURRICANE is doing you a favor, man.


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    IT'S BACK LIKE COOKED CRACK. And twice as potent, since Run Home Jack made some of these, as well.

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    HE'S GOT A LOT OF APOLOGIES TO MAKE.

    Les Miles cannot let Pepper Potts die. He just won't. LSU's video people are amazing week-to-week, but casting Nick Saban as The Mandarin is beyond brilliant (even if they don't know if they're doing it.) By the way, we just imagined the Big Ten version of this and laughed for a solid fifteen seconds at this thought.

    In just a few moments, the sun will drive its sensibly priced American sedan to its split-level ranch home in the sky, and it will be really dark in Michigan Stadium because we don't have fixed lights, and no one remembered to rent them.

    GUHHHH IT SUCKS WHEN YOU LET SOMEONE AS DUMB AND HORRIBLE AS TODD GRANTHAM BEAT YOU. And yet, you let him get close with a knife, didn't you? And that's like, rule one of surviving a knife fight, man.

    SPURRIER WASN'T BEING THAT MUCH OF A DICK. Just the usual amount of dick, since he did say that Dabo's usually full of shit when talking about South Carolina, but then turned around in the next sentence and said that Dabo was right in saying Marcus Lattimore was everything right about college football. But sure, it's Tuesday and you need a column, and Steve Spurrier remains utterly unchanged from the dude who once called a flea-flicker to go over the fifty mark in Athens. He's a gift that way, really.

    OH, HEY. It was Marcus Lattimore's birthday, and life gave him the news that a dislocation is slightly less horrible than what many thought initially after his gruesome injury Saturday.

    OTHER HORRIBLE INJURIES. The very talented Walter Stewart of Cincy has to end his football career due to a congenital spine defect discovered after he injured his spine in a game against Fordham.

    DAD VENGEANCE. "Still got it," he said, walking off the field before waking up the next morning and realizing he had a torn ACL and dislocated shoulder.

    ETC: Have you ever really looked at Jimmy Clausen's neck? We mean, really looked at it? Stuntmen used to be stuntmen. Two Dudes and a Bunk Bed is going to be amazing. If you were a wizard, this would be your patronus.


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