Please be really good, Ohio State. I don't want to admit how good Notre Dame looks.

It's time for The Top Whatever, in which Spencer Hall ranks as many teams as he feels like ranking and no more.

1. Ohio State

No, they haven't even played yet, but after watching every other team, it's comforting to think one team is really, really good. Because it's Week 1, no one appears to be really good except for Notre Dame, and I can't stomach that thought until after lunch.

So please, Ohio State, be as good as you look on paper. For now, you're it. Don't lose to Virginia Tech and make Notre Dame a thing again. Please.

2. Notre Dame

It's beating Texas in 2015, which is kind of like beating a wealthy old man with a vitamin deficiency in a street fight. Texas was supposed to have a defense, though, and the Irish took 38 points and 527 yards off them without apparent effort. On those merits alone, I can boost Notre Dame to something like the second most important team in the nation right now.

P.S. Watching Texas this year might be like watching a slug fall into a salt bath.

3. Alabama

Cool that Lane Kiffin didn't misplace Derrick Henry in a desk drawer again, but Kenyan Drake was healthy, so maybe it's almost acceptable to only give Henry 13 carries on the night. Henry had 147 yards and three TDs on those carries, 11.3 yards an attempt.

This might be a return to the buttoned-down anaconda-like teams of Alabama's early Nick Saban-era prime. This might be another year when you decline the option of watching the second half of Alabama games.

4. Texas A&M

[OBLIGATORY EARLY SEASON REMINDER TO BE SKEPTICAL OF TEXAS A&M DOING REALLY WELL EARLY IN THE SEASON BECAUSE THAT'S GONE BADLY BEFORE.]

It's mostly that they have a defense now, or at least appear to have one after a sample size of one game's data. Aggie defensive end Myles Garrett made every tackle in this game. That's an official stat. Don't bother looking it up or anything.

5. TCU

They played! Remember that, three weeks ago on Thursday?

This is where we tell you to discount the 23-17 score, respect the effort and heart of Minnesota, and recall that TCU and Minnesota played a similar, stuttering affair last year before the Horned Frogs went on a rampage through the rest of their schedule. Jerry Kill Football binds up the innards and makes for slow digestion, just like hearty Midwestern fare should.

6. Auburn

They looked disjointed and still beat a pretty decent Louisville, 31-24, but there are plenty of reasons to be freaked out.

Auburn QB Jeremy Johnson could have easily thrown five INTs, most of them unforced, which should scare the hell out of Auburn fans. The defense struggled at times with picking up mobile QBs, but also has a Carl Lawson capable of blowing up the other team's offense at any time. I will not suggest that Will Muschamp carries a bacteria or virus causing offensive dysfunction wherever he goes.  I will not suggest that Will Muschamp carries a bacteria or virus causing offensive dysfunction wherever he goes. I will not-

7. UCLA

Freshman Josh Rosen had a stunning debut (28-of-35 for 351 yards and 3 TDs) against Virginia, so he's either winning a Heisman or transferring in a year after falling out with the coaching staff. It's very exciting! And it's also against UVA, which is someone with an aggressive defense and no ability to counterpunch whatsoever.

8. Baylor

SMU was so bad last year it's hard to know what struggling early against the Mustangs means, especially with Chad Morris making what appears to be massive improvements. The second quarter was ugly as hell, and the talent level caved in on SMU in the second half, so ... well, Baylor's still really good, and that's about all you can say besides "maybe SMU doesn't QB run as well if Shawn Oakman was playing."

9. West Virginia?

That question mark is intentional since we're not sure whether shutting out a pretty good Georgia Southern team means the Mountaineers have a really good defense or whether that's even legal in West Virginia, or if Georgia Southern just had food poisoning or something.

10. Ray Lawry, Old Dominion running back

Did you ever run for so many yards that you GREW A THIRD ARM?

Bizarre "third arm" in ABC graphic. pic.twitter.com/GNrOhQYu4p

— Paul Lukas (@UniWatch) September 6, 2015

Well, he did.

11. Michigan State

Western Michigan is a pretty good team to warm up with, and honestly the scores in Michigan State games are all but meaningless when you remember Mark Dantonio doesn't care at all about margin of victory. They're fine. I can say that with some certainty: after one game, Michigan State is probably fine.

Just missed

• Arkansas, kind of the invisible No. 12 after bludgeoning UTEP.
• Tennessee, whose struggles with Bowling Green's offense are understandable when you realize that Bowling Green is pretty good.
• Oregon, who played a good FCS Eastern Washington but allowed a ghastly amount of yardage and points.
• Florida State, who played Texas State at home and apparently did not practice special teams all offseason.
• USC, who somehow beat Arkansas State 55-6 and yet still managed to look sloppy.
• Georgia and Clemson, via playing nobody.