TCU gets full credit for its too-close win at Lubbock, because it's Lubbock

The Top Whatever is Spencer Hall's weekly ranking of as many teams as he feels like ranking at the moment.

1. TCU

Won in Lubbock. This could read "won in Lubbock in strange circumstances," but that would be redundant, since you already know about random appearances by wildlife, tortillas flying through the air, and the rarest bird of all, a Texas Tech defense getting a three-and-out when it needs it. TCU overcame all this and finished with a game-winning, tipped-ball TD that created the largest documented collection of surrender cobras ever caught on camera.

John Weast, Getty

55-52 over Texas Tech in Lubbock on a fluky last-minute TD is a giant, sprawling, take-the-over, five-hour, Big 12-style, manic mess of a game. It's also a win on the road in a stadium built on a rift in space-time, where Trevone Boykin played like 2014 Unstoppable Football Drone Trevone Boykin (34 of 54, 527 total yards, four TDs and no INTs), so count it.

2. UCLA

56-30 over Arizona, and it wasn't even that close in reality. The Bruins flattened the Wildcats before they even had a chance to get far past the first quarter, had 42 points at the half and only allowed 16 in a second half composed of nothing but the garbage-est garbage time.

A well-rounded offense with two good running backs, a rapidly maturing QB in Josh Rosen and a disciplined defense makes UCLA very hard not to like, even if you suspect they'll blow up without warning sometime in November. (Why? This is the Pac-12 football, a constellation of beautiful stars of incredible radiance that often blow up without the faintest shred of a warning.) For the moment, they're pretty close to flawless, though.

3. Ohio State

Beat Western Michigan, 38-12, in a game that really can't claim to have too many answers about what Ohio State really is in the year 2015, but did feature Cardale Jones throwing competently to multiple receivers for at least half a game. There was also the usual defense, and Ezekiel Elliott quietly soaking up yardage, and stop it, just stop it, because we're trying to find something like certainty here.

On a day when almost everyone looked mediocre, the Buckeyes handily threw a MAC team aside. In Week 4, that will be enough to say the Buckeyes might be figuring some things out, good things, like how to play offensive line consistently again, which was really the thing that fueled their title run last year.

4. Michigan State

Grim, workmanlike, 30-10 win over Central Michigan. This looks a lot like Ohio State's claim to excellence, until you realize the Spartans were at 17-10 in the third quarter and that they lost tackle Jack Conklin to what appears to be serious injury.

Then again, we kind of trust Michigan State more when they're passing for fewer than 150 yards and grinding out featureless wins no one notices. (Mark Dantonio doesn't trust football with big numbers and hard math, something the deplorable student in everyone can appreciate.)

5. Notre Dame

Struggled with UMass for a very exciting 15 minutes or so, then everyone remembered who was wearing which jerseys.

The return to script meant a 62-27 blowout of a team so bad it's tempting to not even give Notre Dame credit for playing a game this week. Then again, if I did that, I'd have to give Mississippi State a bye, too, and you can't just go making things up in what's already a totally made-up poll. They get to stay, Minutemen on the menu or no, and enjoy the bonus of a real rarity in Notre Dame's 2015: a game without losing a starter to season-ending injury.

6. Ole Miss

Falling this week on the basis of a 27-16 struggle at home with Vanderbilt. On one hand, some letdown was inevitable after the big win over Alabama in Tuscaloosa. On the other hand, it's Vanderbilt, and you were tied in the third quarter.

The Rebels' best goal line running back is still a 300-pound defensive end, and their goal line QB is a 300-pound defensive end who happens to play quarterback, and this team still looks like an NCAA 14 dynasty mode squad brought to life. Seriously, Ole Miss: what the hell kind of freaky odds-and-ends beast squad are y'all?

7. Utah

Who the hell knows if they'll be here next week (or after their game with Cal in two weeks), but: 62-20 over Oregon.

The Utes took everything. They took every damn thing in the house, Oregon. They ate the food out of the fridge. They poured the spices down the sink. They took the hot water heater and sold it for scrap. They took the old cable box you were never going to return to Comcast, a dead iPod they can't even use and everything in the safe. You don't even have a safe. They brought their own, filled it with money, and stole it just to make you feel bad about losing something you didn't even know you had.

Believe me when I say this: the score was 62-20, and if not for the 3 ounces of mercy in Kyle Whittingham's soul, it could have been much, much worse.

8. Leonard Fournette

Moves down after a tough 34-24 tussle with Syracuse, but still a definite shot to win the national title he may or may not have to share with LSU. It's up to Leonard, really.

Just missing

Baylor, which hung 70 on Rice but also played Rice.

Georgia, plush and feasting on HBCU Southern University.

Texas A&M, since we're not even really sure what beating Arkansas means at all this year.

Northwestern, both because we have no idea how to justify ranking the Wildcats and also because they played Ball State.