The Top Whatever is Spencer Hall's weekly ranking of teams that must be ranked.
1. Clemson. Unlike many undefeated teams, the Tigers did have to play football this week, and had to do it on the road against NC State. They won 56-41, which might seem like a sloppy score begotten from negligence and the inevitable slumping of a team's attention midseason.
WELL ACTUALLY okay, that's sort of what this was, but really good teams inevitably turn potential scares like this into forgotten wins on spotless schedules.
Deshaun Watson had five passing TDs and one rushing TD and 383 yards passing. He and Trevone Boykin might be the same brilliant person living his best life as quantum twins splitting the same reality. If both are invited to the Heisman Trophy ceremony and shake hands, the meeting will likely rip the very fabric of reality asunder and destroy time-space itself. No, we don't hope this happens, that'd be terrible!
P.s. We so hope this happens.
2. Kirk Herbstreit shrieking.
3. TCU. Came out of a Thursday night matchup with West Virginia with a 40-10 victory, an intact Boykin, and a 30-point margin in a conference win.
Sure, winning with offense might be slowly killing Gary Patterson's will to live, but at least this quarterback is getting high-fives from the opposing coach for mind-bending play. Did you find this offensive to your sensibilities and beliefs about what football should be? Good, person whose existence is so numb you have to get mad about sports etiquette just to feel. TCU is helping everyone out this year, even miserable bastards like you.
4. LSU. Did not play football this week, which, if you watched any of the games, turned out to be a pretty great decision.
5. Baylor. Also smart not to play football this week.
6. Ohio State. Did not play football this week, which would have been really smart had it not had J.T. Barrett get a citation for OVI, and thus earn a suspension for the Minnesota game. Bye weeks, now sponsored by Uber or the DUI-prevention service of your choice.
7. Oklahoma State. The governor completely came off this engine in the first quarter, but that's fine because Okie State can win 70-53 like it did over Texas Tech. Your standard Big 12 three-way knot of destiny will unravel Baylor, TCU and Oklahoma State -- they play each other down the November stretch -- but Oklahoma State should be thrilled with being 8-0 and capable of surviving sprinting melees.
8. Iowa. The opposite of whatever Oklahoma State is. Beat Maryland 31-15. Iowa didn't even have 300 yards of offense, and only outgained Maryland by 52 yards, but Iowa is on some financial district hedge fund mathematical evil right now. You give the Hawkeyes $10, and they come back with the deed to an Indian hydroelectric plant and $6 million in cash. How? Shhhhhhh, never you mind, honey.
9. Michigan State. Did not play football this week, but underperformed anyway. And still won. They're the Spartans. They put this bye week away 21-20 and are FINE with it.
10. Memphis. Whatever, it's time to throw shame to the wind and embrace the American Athletic Conference. In lieu of anyone else putting stripes and neon on this season and just strutting, Memphis happily obliges week after week, giving consistent value like a 41-13 immolation of Tulane.
Holders of a transitive victory over Alabama. Fun as hell to watch. Fight me. If you do not like watching Memphis play football and want to joykill about their schedule and their freewheeling style of play, then fight me. It's the Memphis thing to do, and that's fine.
11. Houston. Shamed a desperate and theoretically shameless Vanderbilt team 34-0. See "Memphis, but without the win over Ole Miss." Houston's awesome, and I will fight you over them as soon as I am done fighting people over Memphis, which should be sometime next week if I hold up. (I won't; send paramedics.)
AWAITING OTHER TEAM'S MISTAKES AND HOPING TO PRESERVE SEASONS AND MAYBE GET SOME GOOD RECOMMENDATION LETTERS TO GET INTO THE PLAYOFF
- Alabama. Bye week hero. Gets as good of a shot as it needs when it faces LSU in Tuscaloosa this Saturday, provided it doesn't stumble over Auburn. That is not a joke. It's pretty easy to stumble over Auburn, as it's not moving a lot these days and just kind of blends in with the leaves and logs and other things just lying on the ground.
- Stanford. Still the best team in the Pac-12, even after barely surviving a 30-28 horror show in Pullman. Kevin Hogan can either play running back or quarterback, though he cannot play both at the same time, and you will never know which he will play on any given weekend. It also takes Stanford a few quarters to figure out, and thus the confusion against the Cougs.
- Notre Dame. Looked as tough as they've looked all season against a ridiculously durable Temple in a 24-20 win. This is an accurate sentence in 2015, and do not laugh at it, because Brian Kelly will find you and fight you.
- Utah? That question mark is intentional, because sure, the Utes are a one-loss Pac-12 team who could meet Stanford in the Pac-12 title game and ruin everything. A 27-12 win over lowly Oregon State isn't much of a data point, but theoretically they're still alive for a Playoff slot if they blow through the rest of the slate. Utah:not completely dead, yet.
- Florida State. Beat Syracuse 45-21 while missing its starting quarterback and tailback. Looking to completely upset the current natural order of the universe by beating Clemson next weekend on the road. If the Seminoles had not lost to a three-win Georgia Tech on a blocked field goal, they would very much control their fate, but: They lost to a three-win Georgia Tech on a blocked field goal. 2015 has some regrets, man.
- Oklahoma. Whooped up on Kansas 62-7. The only team that has beaten the Sooners this year got shut out 24-0 at Ames on Saturday. 2015 HAS SOME REGRETS, MAN.