The Top Whatever ranks only the teams that really need to be ranked, starting with the unbeatens. If you’re looking for the polls for some reason, those are over here.

1. Penn State.

42-13 over Michigan. That score is merciful, but not for lack of trying. James Franklin had the backups running plays at the Michigan 10, with time expiring, when Penn State could have kneeled, because:

• Penn State suffered its worst loss of 2016 to Michigan, a 49-10 beatdown that might have been motivation for Penn State playing the entire game at high gear.
• OK, not might, but definitely, since Maria Taylor overheard offensive coordinator Joe Moorhead quoting the 2016 games’s score back at Penn State’s offense before the TD to put the Nittany Lions over the 40-point mark.
• Because Franklin is a competitor, which is another way of saying he’s as petty as petty can be, from saying Pitt and Akron were basically the same team to nearly getting into a fight with former Georgia (and current Mississippi State) defensive coordinator Todd Grantham in 2011.
• Because little has changed with either Penn State or Michigan from the start of the season. Michigan is still a solid defense playing without much offensive production to protect it; Penn State is a balanced, dangerous team with two offensive pieces capable of messing up your entire world in one play. Put the two together, assume all things stay constant, and the results are going to be lopsided every time.
• Because Penn State sacked John O’Korn seven times and forced a fumble. No quarterback in the history of college football has ever won a game while being sacked seven times and fumbling once.
• This is a stat that is completely true, and don’t bother looking it up, because I certainly didn’t, but it’s at least 95 percent true. (Probably.)

Penn State is undefeated. The Nittany Lions’ schedule gives them one of the most direct lines to a playoff slot. Their schedule also happens to include a rampaging Ohio State next week and a brutal, stingy Michigan State the next.

TL;DR: The path to the top is very clear. It goes straight up that cliff covered in rattlesnake nests and broken glass.*

*Is Franklin going to try and punch a snake? Has he seen Hard Target at least 40 times? Reader, Franklin is the college football coach most likely to punch a snake. If his DVD collection doesn’t include at least one hella scratched copy of the Jean-Claude Van Damme/John Woo classic, I will personally mail Franklin one American dollar for him to punch. George Washington won’t stop staring at him, and direct eye contact is always a challenge.

2. Alabama.

Processed “rival” Tennessee 42-7, canned the Vols, and sold them for meat across the fine supermarkets of the Southeast.

There’s a lot of ways to paint a portrait of horror here. Numbers are one option. Alabama’s offense had 35 first downs, while poor Tennessee only scraped together seven. I could point you to the 604-to-108 in the total yards column, too, or maybe highlight Tennessee going a pitiful one-of-12 on third downs.

If numbers don’t move the needle, maybe former Vols torching Butch Jones on Twitter will do.

If that still doesn’t work? Anecdotes might help, like the sad tale of Tennessee almost scoring a touchdown on offense. The Vols got all the way down to the Alabama 1-yard line. They then false started, stalled the drive, and extended Tennessee’s 12-quarter offensive TD drought.

Tennessee did score on an interception return ...

... only to have DB Rashaan Gaulden flip double birds at the Alabama crowd and get tagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. This was actually the best-executed thing Tennessee did all game, because if you’re going to commit to one, you might as well hand out a double serving while you’re at it.

The real Alabama death machine watcher, though, knows the ultimate sign of an Alabama blowout. The game got so out of hand that Ronnie Clark, the sixth-string running back, got to carry the ball twice. Clark was a four-star tight end recruit who could start almost anywhere else in college football. His appearance lets an opponent know that what is still a game for you just became a scrimmage for them.

At Alabama, he’s the vultureback. If you see him, you’ll know that only your bones are left.

3. Goldy the Gopher.

Not Minnesota, but Goldy.

4. TCU.

43-0 over Kansas. If a team has to play Kansas, and has no other choice because it’s a conference game, then the most a team can do is beat Kansas so badly it sets a new record for beatings, even the beatings involving Kansas.

TCU held Kansas to a Big 12 record of 21 yards, handing the Jayhawks their 44th straight loss on the road. I’m going to stop talking about Kansas because sadness is contagious.

5. Miami.

A 27-19 game of keep-away with Syracuse, which rudely ran more plays than Miami, but also politely turned the ball over four times. Miami played its third close, single-score conference game in a row and won. Teams can do this when they keep the turnover margin tidy, and when the quarterback can throw 43 times without anything too terrible happening.

Malik Rosier is 6-0 as a starter this season. He has worked a lot like the rest of the team: efficiently and sometimes explosively dismantling opponents, not making a lot of mistakes, and thriving in close games. He’s not been great at any one thing, but that’s this team, really. They do a lot of things well; more importantly, they don’t do anything too badly.

Miami does have two weaknesses someone might exploit, if they can.

One: Since the loss of Mark Walton, the rushing attack has suffered a bit, and someone who can really defend the run could turn Miami into a one-sided attack. See: Notre Dame, coming to Miami on Nov. 11, or Virginia Tech, whose numbers are even better, coming to Miami on Nov. 4.

Two: They have definitely not shown the ability to knee-kick a defender in the facemask.

Eric Dungey and Syracuse didn’t win on Saturday. They did, however, highlight this facemask-kicking weakness.

6. Wisconsin.

38-13 over Maryland. The Badgers stumbled out of the gate on offense, throwing a pick and fumbling before getting right with a 10-play, 70-yard touchdown drive.

From that point, Wisconsin was its usual self: stingy against the run, patient with its own rushing attack, and good enough through the air for a significant cushion.

It’s pleasing that every Saturday, Wisconsin keeps being the team most like its mascot. They move through a game like they have short, powerful legs, steadily digging away. The Badgers do sometimes come out of their den slowly, but when they do, they defend their territory savagely.

They are more explosive than one might think. QB Alex Hornibrook averages almost 10 yards per attempt, just like badgers, who despite being short-legged, can run at up to 19 miles per hour in short bursts. Try and sleep tonight, knowing that a razor-mouthed heavyweight turbo-weasel that can outrun you is lurking in the Wisconsin woods. Might be talking about the animal. Might be talking about the football team. Either or both, really.

7. Houston Water Bottle Guy.

Houston, 4-3 after this week’s loss to Memphis; Houston Water Bottle Guy, undefeated.

8. UCF.

Got Navy’d, which explains why the rampaging UCF offense only scored 31 points. (“Only.”) Playing triple-option teams is wrestling in molasses for everyone. It is especially frustrating for teams as explosive as UCF, who have to hold serve on offense, get the ball back a few extra times on defense, and then crank through first downs until a haymaker or two hits home.

It also helps when the triple-option team’s quarterback makes a very unfortunate read or two.

UCF is not a novelty. Putting them in the Top Whatever is not cute or throwing charity the way of an AAC team. The Knights are a delight because they clearly enjoy not just beating teams, but destroying them with flair, something rarely seen since ... well, since Oregon’s Chip Kelly teams, the ones UCF head coach Scott Frost worked on as an assistant. Speculate about where he might end up all you like, but enjoy this team now, for what it is in 2017: a genuine, polished monster.

P.S. The game between USF and UCF on Nov. 24 might have real, national-type implications for the playoff. JUST AS EVERYONE PREDICTED.*

*Note: No one predicted this.

9. USF.

34-28 over Tulane. This is a compliment: USF QB Quinton Flowers is second in our nation to Baker Mayfield in making complete horseshit plays, i.e., unscripted, improvised plays that make defensive coordinators mutter “horseshit” under their breath.

For example, this is from a horseshit play:

See, the funny part is that this was supposed to go left, and Flowers has already turned right. There, he finds two defenders waiting for him, both leaning right, but with reasonable pursuit angles.

This is the scene about three nanoseconds after the previous photo.

A blip later, there’s nothing in front of him but the end zone. This is the kind of greatness that happens when a quarterback can make horseshit plays.

Flowers is one of the best kind of college quarterbacks. He runs brilliantly, often off-script. His passing might be erratic, but if he only completes 10 passes, it’s a lock that two will be for touchdowns. (This is what happened against Tulane: 10-of-24 through the air, for two TDs, one INT, and 127 yards.)

There will be long periods where he does nothing or scrambles himself into backfield trouble. Then, after a lull, Flowers will slip a tackle and ruin a pursuit angle, and all hell will break loose. You know: the kind of completely joyous horseshit quarterback play that — if Flowers heartbreaking backstory didn’t do it already— endears a player to a fan base for life.

Again: USF plays UCF on Nov. 24, and it’s going to be better appointment viewing than the “War on I-4” has any right to be.

UNDEFEATED AND WISELY AVOIDED PLAYING FOOTBALL THIS WEEK

Georgia. The Bulldogs spent the bye week preparing for Florida, or studying film of a chicken trying to take flight. Remember: The Top Whatever only ranks teams based on what they did this week versus their overall record. Georgia spent the week watching Florida game tape, and watching farce/comedy doesn’t qualify as work.

The Bulldogs still control everything in front of them thanks to a clean record and that one-point win over Notre Dame in South Bend. Georgia could owe the entire season to Rodrigo Blankenship, a former walk-on kicker in Rec Specs who occasionally does interviews still wearing his helmet, for his late field goal against Notre Dame. Georgia was saved by a nerd, and famously nerd-hating Dawg fans will have to live with that.

TEAMS WITH ONE LOSS WE MUST BEGIN CONSIDERING FOR THINGS

Notre Dame. Flattened a disjointed USC, 49-14. It’s not shocking that Notre Dame is good. It is shocking how they’re doing it. On paper, Notre Dame looks like a service academy and runs with Brandon Wimbush and Josh Adams like they’re pushing a single wing all the way to the state championship in high school.

Go look it up: Notre Dame’s peers in the top 10 for total rushing yardage include all three service academies, former Navy coach Paul Johnson’s Georgia Tech squad, and Alabama. 2017’s hottest club is MOSTLY GIVING UP ON THE FORWARD PASS.

Oklahoma. Won a barn-burner on the road versus Kansas State, 42-35. Probably sitting on the outside of any Playoff bubble, but controls a substantial chunk of its fate by a.) having TCU and Oklahoma State coming on the schedule and b.) Baker Mayfield doing things to keep OU in games, like picking up 15 yards on fourth-and-4 out of absolutely nothing.

First-rate horseshit college football quarterback greatness.

Oklahoma State. A 13-10 winner in OT against Texas. Maybe the most surprising score of the week, because a Texas-OSU overtime should be 56-55, but it’s a win. Gundy don’t care.

Montana Tech. The Orediggers sit at 6-1 in the NAIA’s Frontier conference, and are owners of the weekend’s most gigantic box score in a 93-19 ... win? There really aren’t words for scoring 93 on someone, even the clearly outmanned Montana State-Northern Lights, so just call it this: Montana Tech scored so many points that all the scores won’t fit in the scoring summary table.

NC State. The mystery of IS NC STATE ACTUALLY GREAT AT FOOTBALL THINGS? will thankfully clarify itself when NC State plays Clemson and Notre Dame.

Until then, this is me at all times when discussing NC State.

Michigan State. Scraped by Indiana, 17-9. The bad news, for any other team, would be failing to get 300 yards of offense and grinding out wins in the hardest possible fashion. The good news for Michigan State: This sounds like how Mark Dantonio does things anyway. In the next three weeks, the Spartans play Ohio State and Penn State, and oh man, could they mess up a lot of things for a lot of people in that timespan.

Washington State. Recovered by beating Colorado, 28-0, in a cold, driving rain in Pullman. Luke Falk still doesn’t look right, but Wazzu is still in the co-driver’s seat in the Pac-12 North and only has one loss. Technically alive for things beyond the Pac-12, is what we’re saying, but barely.

ONE-LOSS TEAMS THAT WISELY AVOIDED PLAYING FOOTBALL THIS WEEK BUT STILL MERIT MENTION

Clemson. Still insanely talented and probably still capable of figuring out the quarterback spot after the injury to starter Kelly Bryant against Syracuse. In barely related news: WOO BOY DABO BOUGHT HISSELF A TUDOR-THEMED CHAIN HOTEL-LOOKIN’ MANSION.

Virginia Tech. Humiliated UNC 59-7, but UNC helped generously with that. Still carrying a nasty loss to Clemson on the resume, but also still in charge of its own fate in the ACC.

Washington. Still playing for big, important things, and also still ashamed owners of the season’s most baffling loss, at Arizona State last week. Like their rivals across the state in Pullman: Technically alive for larger things.

ONE-LOSS TEAM IN MEMPHIS WE LIKE MENTIONING BECAUSE THEY ARE VERY FUN AND ALSO MEMPHIS

Memphis. The Memphis Tigers beat Houston 42-38 in this week’s most off-the-rails game, scoring all of their points in a blazing second-half comeback. Memphis realistically has no chance at the Playoff. I don’t care because the Tigers are very fun and tend to play their games like making the rent depends on it.

Also: Riley Ferguson is having a better year than Sam Darnold and would be just as happy to steal a signing bonus from the Jets. OOOOH, HE’S 6’4, NFL SCOUTS. YOU GAVE BROCK OSWEILER MILLIONS AND CURRENTLY PAY BRIAN HOYER MONEY. GIVE RILEY FERGUSON AT LEAST ONE HUGE SIGNING BONUS. THE UNIVERSE OWES HIM AT LEAST THAT MUCH.