1. Alabama. The Tigers outgained the Tide on the night. LSU QB Zach Mettenberger played the best game he will ever play as a college football player. A.J. McCarron was, for 58 minutes or so, a shambling mess with little resemblance to the efficient, error-free machine he had been in the previous eight games. The Alabama defense was, for long stretches, pushed around the field like--ewww--a college defense. This is the kind of game you expect to lose, but Les Miles isn't about your "expectations," kid. 21-17, Alabama. (Is Les Miles currently slashing his own tires? Yes, yes he is, because SURPRISES.)
2. Oregon. Both teams punted once each on the night in a 62-51 Oregon victory over USC. The rest: 1,357 yards of offense, 70 first downs between the two teams, and Monte Kiffin admitting afterwards that Oregon's 730 yards of total offense was something he hadn't ever heard of in a football game. Monte Kiffin has been coaching football since 1966. His sample size to compare this game with renders this opinion definitive. Kenjon Barner's 321 yards and five touchdowns are just astonishing supporting evidence to add to the general case for Oregon being utterly terrifying.
3. Kansas State. A 44-30 victory over Oklahoma State may be overshadowed by an undisclosed injury to Collin Klein. Klein accounts for around 80 percent of Kansas State's total offensive production on the year. None of this bodes well for K-State's immediate future as a national title contender, but Bill Snyder will probably deal with Klein's injury the way he was raised to deal with injuries: leeches, chewing tobacco poultices, and positive thinking. (I have confused Bill Snyder with a frontier doctor born in 1834. OR HAVE I?)
4. Notre Dame. Doubters may denigrate the 29-26 triple OT win over Pitt. Before you do, though, consider this: when was the last time you saw a team finish a triple OT game without either team breaking the 30-point threshold? Never say this Notre Dame team isn't capable of miracles.
5. LSU. Not only crossed the 50-yard line, but gained 435 yards against Alabama in their 21-17 loss. Those are moral victories, and may be exchanged for nothing at no major retail outlets near you. Don't mention Les Miles' 4th down calls in this game to an LSU fan right now, or they will attack the thing closest to them--i.e. you.
6. Ohio State. Ran Illinois off the field in a 52-22 game that sadly cannot count for an Ohio State push toward the B1G Championship Game. The upside: OSU's ineligibility leaves the door open for "Indiana, B1G Leaders Division Champions." 2012 has just two months left to break your brain completely, and appears determined to do it.
7. Georgia. Beat Ole Miss, 37-10, to all but clinch a trip to the Georgia Dome to be broken on the rack over four horrible hours by Alabama. Congratulations, Dawgs!
8. Florida. The offensive MVP for Florida in a 14-7 stumbler against Mizzou: James Franklin, who threw four INTs for Mizzou. Every team needs a quarterback to contribute in order to win, but they never said whether that had to be your quarterback, or the other team's.
9. Florida State. Bye week spent not thinking about this image once.
10. Clemson. Beat Duke, 56-20, but Blue Devils fans swear they'll get you come basketball season. Clemson fans, in response, feverishly look up the meaning of "basketball season" in free online dictionaries.
11. South Carolina. Bye week. Likely spent watching Spurrier critique old film of himself at Florida. "Man, rewind that PERFECT THROW I PITCHED IN THERE."
12. Louisville. Q: How does a quarterback have a quiet five-touchdown day? A: By doing it in a routine, 45-17 scrimmage against Temple, and playing his game at noon on ESPNU. (Sorry, Teddy Bridgewater.)
13. Oregon State. In-N-Out isn't an option after a 36-26 victory over Arizona State, since the closest one is 359 miles away in Redding, California.
14. Oklahoma. Ames has swallowed better teams whole, so Bob Stoops will take a 35-20 win over Iowa State happily and tell you so in his voice, and not in that weird voice someone else dubbed over him in the AT&T commercial featuring the Sooners' coach.
15. Stanford. Gave probable new starting quarterback Kevin Hogan plenty of reps in a 48-0 scrimmage over an intramural team from the University of Colorado.
16. Texas A&M. 38-13 over Mississippi State has us all fondly remembering the solid twenty minutes of "But how will you compete in the SEC, Coach?" questions Kevin Sumlin answered at SEC Media Days.
17. Mississippi State. 692 yards allowed to Texas A&M is pretty standard these days, but only 13 points against A&M's defense should make for some sad, pensive cowbell clanging in Starkville.
18. USC. Hey, wideout Nelson Agholor had a breakout game, with six catches for 162 yards on the night. USC now has three world-class wide receivers, and tragically none of them can play defensive tackle or linebacker.
19. Boise State. Lost, 21-19, to San Diego State, mostly because they were doing things like this all night. Boise has two kinds of years: BCS bowl years, or Las Vegas Bowl/Humanitarian Bowl years. We're looking at a firm lock on a Las Vegas/Humanitarian Bowl kind of year here.
20. Texas Tech. Lost, 31-22, to Texas at home, and only gained 446 yards against the Longhorn defense while stalling out four times in the red zone.
21. Nebraska. The scoreboard says 28-24 over Michigan State, and then Twitter says this regarding the officiating, but life is just gonna set this win on the counter over here, Nebraska. Take it, and run before a Michigan State mob catches your bus on the way to the airport.
22. Louisiana Tech. 51-27 over UTSA, whose mascot is named "Rowdy the Roadrunner." This sounds both like a great symbol for UTSA, and an important witness in a federal drug trafficking trial.
23. West Virginia. Lost, 39-38, to TCU in Morgantown. It may seem slightly brutal, but Gary Patterson had to go for two in double overtime to make this happen. This is actually really brutal, and was a setup to make you feel worse than you already do, Mountaineer fans. It's late and I'm cruel, and I am so sorry the twisted world made me this way.
24. Arizona. Well, coming off that big win over USC Arizona seems poised for a OH MY LORD A 66-10 LOSS TO UCLA.
25. UCLA. 66 points and more than 300 yards both on the ground and in the air can only mean one thing: an inexcusable loss lurking at Pullman next week. How, you ask? I have no idea, since UCLA should blow Wazzu off the map. But if I told you Bruins coaches were going to wear war paint on the sidelines this week against Arizona, well, you wouldn't have believed that either, and it totally happened.
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