1. Oregon. Cal deserves some kind of medal for only being down 24-10 at the half and holding Oregon to one of their worst rushing performances of the year. Then that medal should be melted down in front of their eyes, sculpted into a statue of Chip Kelly surfing on the back of a pegasus, and mailed back to them via UPS to commemorate a 59-17 loss to America's most entertaining and sadistic team. Towards the end, Ducks backup QB Brian Bennett threw a touchdown that hit one Oregon receiver, and then bounced into another's for the reception and score. I hope the people on Tightwad Hill were so drunk they skipped the descent and instead floated home safely like tipsy dirigibles.
2. Kansas State. There are two kinds of Kansas State games. There is one where they beat you, 23-10, despite having nearly identical totals in the stats column in every category except turnovers and points. Then, there is the other where you outgain them, get more first downs, and allow fewer yards, just as TCU did this past weekend. You lose both of them. (Bill Snyder wasn't impressed as a child when they invented math, and he's certainly not impressed now.)
3. Notre Dame. May lose a BCS slot simply for forcing networks' hands and exposing the rest of the nation to Boston College football, and would deserve it after their 21-6 snail orgy of a game against Boston's seventh most popular SPAHTS team.
4. Alabama. Lost to a redshirt freshman quarterback playing in his 10th game as a starter for a team that lost to LSU and Florida earlier in their first year in the SEC. Did you fall off your couch laughing as the referees frantically rushed to the middle of the field to slow down A&M's offense to allow for defensive substitutions? Oh, you should have, because watching officials openly fearing for their lives mid-game is the SEC's richest comedy pudding.
5. Georgia. Beat Auburn, 38-0, in a friendly.
6. Ohio State. Bye week, spent with family by contract.
7. Florida. The No. 7 team in the nation almost lost to the University of Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin Cajuns in a 27-20 victory. If your football team could be considered the handsome 80-year, erection-capable old lothario of football teams, congratulations: this year in college football is your retirement home full of lonely elderly ladies. Competition is minimal, and the bar is as low as it can get. Hop over it without breaking your hip and get into the top 10 while you can.
8. LSU. Les ate grass this weekend and beat Mississippi State 37-17, so pretty normal weekend for him dietarily and on the field.
9. Texas A&M.
You never stood a chance against that runway walk, Alabama.
10. Florida State. Beat Virginia Tech, 28-22, in a genuinely tough road game in Blacksburg against a desperate team. There would have been real reason for Florida State to lose this game, but remember the rules of Sudden Inexplicable ACC Loss Syndrome: if you see them coming at all, they're not really Sudden ACC Loss Syndrome.
11. Clemson. Beat hapless Maryland, 45-10, on the road. In lieu of anything interesting to say about Maryland football, here is a video of a giant tortoise being flipped by another giant tortoise.
12. South Carolina. Committed three consecutive personal fouls in a 38-20 win over Arkansas, but two were on D.J. Swearinger, who redeemed himself by returning a pick for a TD immediately afterward. His name is also an adjective that means "more swearing than just swearing, but not as much as swearingest," so it's in character, really.
13. Oklahoma. A 42-34 victory in an obvious tarp game against a dangerous Baylor squad is nothing to sneeze at. Oklahoma's losses come to the No. 3 and No. 2 squads in the nation right now, so even when Bob Stoops doesn't win titles, he's all too happy to serve as an investor.
14. Stanford. 27-23 over Oregon State. David Shaw is doing a brilliant job for someone who really could be confused for a very lost but utterly confident grad assistant.
15. Oregon State. Lost that 27-23 game to Stanford. Maaaaaaan:
16. Nebraska. Beating Penn State 32-23 doesn't look as happy and contented as one would think.
17. UCLA. Did a superb job beating Wazzu on the road. Don't say anything about "Oh, it's just Wazzu." This is exactly the kind of game UCLA would have lost badly under Rick Neuheisel in tragic fashion.
18. Texas. Is 8-2 after a 33-7 win over Iowa State, and could still win 10 games if they beat TCU and spoil K-State's national title hopes. If you said "Texas may spoil Kansas State's national title hopes" in August as a prediction, you are a sorcerer and Bill Snyder wants to fight you because there can only be one.
19. Louisiana Tech. With a 62-55 win over Texas State, the Bulldogs have now won the final game ever of "WAC score or Big Ten basketball score."
20. Louisville. Hammered by Syracuse, 45-26, because if Doug Marrone can't make the Big East's feeble bid for a national title shot then NO ONE'S MAKING IT.
21. USC. Overcame Arizona State 38-17 without deflating a ball, improperly switching a jersey number, or any of the other parking ticket violations Lane Kiffin enjoys.
22. Rutgers. A 28-7 win over Army you did not notice. Legions of invisible Rutgers fans in NYC, however, in their invisible bars with their invisible ratings boxes attached to the TV, did.
23. Michigan. Northwestern has a running back named "Trumpy" and still lost, 38-31, to the Wolverines. Something is cosmically wrong about this, but i can't verbalize exactly what that wrongness is.
23a. Texas Tech. A 41-34 overtime victory over Kansas is a win, no matter what your heart may be telling you.
25. Kent State. Nine wins so far and a 48-32 win over Miami, and all you'll remember is this, you horrible internet person, you.
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