YOU ARE SO LUCKY AND DON'T EVEN KNOW THE HALF OF IT. Behold: the ultimate NFL pregame show.

Just a thousand director's chairs and the same number of bellowing former players, all crammed onto the same stage forever talking about all the people they talked to that week who've been doing great jobs. You are so very fortunate to have a sport whose main commentators are coaches too weird to go pro for long, and player-commentators too slow to do anything but get cut from a practice squad and immediately begin a broadcast career. (See: Herbstreit.)*

*Don't ask us about Spielman. He's a physical and intellectual marvel that science cannot explain.

YOU GET A RECRUIT. And so do you, Alabama, in the form of Reuben Foster. Did you hear he had an Auburn tattoo? He does in fact have an Auburn tattoo. Meanwhile, Bret Bielema gets the five star kegger goin', baby.

YOU GET URBAN MEYER, YOU GET HIS LOATHSOME TASTE IN FONTS. Everyone hates Ohio State's new logo, but remember that Urban Meyer's heart is still in love with a Big Dogs shirt he saw in 1987, and all branding made since then has been an attempt to recapture it. (See: the platinum dickhead font we got under Meyer, and the interrupting Gator who looks like he's saying "hey HEY THAT'S MY DIPPIN' SAUCE.")

KENNEDY, KEATON, AND KAMDEN. Dave Yost, former brahsome offensive coordinator at Mizzou, was simply burned out when he resigned and left for a less demanding position coaching job at Wazzu. There is also the revelation that his three children are named Kennedy, Keaton, and Kamden, because "Dave Yost things."

EARS NOT NECESSARY TO BE A LEADER, LEGEND, WHATEVER. Northwestern's new quarterback recruit got a piece of his ear bitten off when he was three, and that seems like perfect practice for being a quarterback at Northwestern.

ETC: The Miami court system never fails to amaze. Don't talk shit to this man, ever, even if he is dead.

You probably know Gus Johnson, but if you don't, let me familiarise you with the essential features of this broadcasting unit. Gus is loud. He is loud, and then gets louder, and then when he has reached the envelope of loud he then hammers down the throttle until windows break. He is as subtle as a pipe bomb, and occasionally goes sideways and demolishes whole portions of a broadcast.

He will also be the 2018 voice of the World Cup, per an SI exclusive revealing Fox's plans to turn him into the voice of the World Cup. You can hate this for a lot of reasons: Johnson's inexperience as a soccer announcer, passing up established soccer talent for an unproven quantity from the world of basketball and football, or because Fox is using the next five years of Champions League games as a training ground for Johnson.* You might also hate Gus Johnson because you simply hate Gus Johnson, and that's valid as long as you don't also like dreary milquetoast gasbags like Joe Buck. (I see you, Will Leitch.)

*That last complaint will be a particularly legitimate one for those who have to watch Johnson barrel through Manchester United vs. Real Madrid on February 13th. You get to be the lab rats in a long clinical trial, but also get to nitpick the slightest mistake first. Congrats!

Nor do I think it's totally necessary to have an "American voice" for soccer to continue to grow here. The game's seminal moments in the U.S. to this point have thus far happened with the lilt of English voices in the background. Ian Darke's honorary American citizenship* came during his call of Landon Donovan's goal against Algeria in the 2010 World Cup, and was as moving and raw and covered in screaming, gun-toting bald eagles as any sports call of the past decade. Exhilarating jingoism has a thousand accents.

*This is unofficial, Mr. Darke, and conveyed only by me and this passport I just wrote out for you in crayon. Please do not tempt fate and attempt to present it as anything close to official paperwork at customs.

In fact, I always liked having a British voice call soccer, or flipping over to Univision to hear Andres Cantor or Pablo Ramirez hitting the roof rapidamente after a near-miss off the far post. I still like the sense of connection it gives me, as if you were putting your head against the apartment wall and hearing the screaming, nonsensical excitement the rest of the world took for granted. It makes the world seem smaller in a good way to see the same game called with the same passion, and delightfully huge to hear it in multiple languages.

If Gus Johnson fails, though, it won't be for a lack of that passion, or for a lack of institutional commitment. Gus is basically already a Univision announcer, an anti-Nantz incapable of restraint when the moment escalates to anything past a simmer. FOX is devoting an insane amount of resources to developing him as a soccer announcer, giving him five years of practice and run-up for the sake of doing what amounts to six weeks of work five years from the present. He'll be fine, and regardless of accent he'll be at the least what many soccer announcers are: loud, somewhat functional, and occasionally relevant to the game on the pitch.

The one reason you can't dislike Johnson getting a shot at the job--particularly you, touchy American soccer fan-- is your own snobbery. You can talk about Fox "pandering" to the American market, but then: we're not really even talking about soccer anymore, are we? We're talking about a refined thing you found, and only you can understand and truly value. It's your sport that sounded better on vinyl, and that was really so much better before Fox, Gus Johnson, and all these lamestreamers crashed your tiny, sports-hipstery party.

As vulgar as that would seem to some United States fans of the most popular sport in the world, there are those lamestreamers who would like to hear an American voice calling soccer. To you, that would be provincial, close-minded, the demands of small-minded hillbillies who demanded a familiar voice to outline the curves of the beautiful global game that only you and billions of your close friends really get. To me, that would simply be what every other country on the planet has, something that would only be a threatening notion to someone perverse enough to be elitist about the most common sport on the planet.

P.S. Personally, I'd still rather hear Ian Darke call it. But I would let Ian Darke call my entire life, right down to botched cosmetic surgeries. THE SURGEON'S COMPLETELY LOST THE PLOT HERE AND OH MY CALL THE BARRISTERS THIS IS GOING TO BE A CRACKER OF A SETTLEMENT.

BEHOLD THE SQUATITUDE

This may be the point where Alabama really and truly crosses some line from "football program" into "island fortress ruled by a shadowy man with an iron hand and squinty glare." Knowing Nick Saban, this isn't even the real weight room, but instead some clever decoy to make you think Alabama players "lift weights" like "normal people" and aren't "reconstructed by imprisoned North Korean super-soldier surgeons in a bunker eight miles beneath the surface of the planet." This is a warmup area for the men's diving team.

Meanwhile, this is the actual Kansas weight room.

If you don't think Signing Day has its own kind of magic, then you've clearly not seen the effect it has on Dabo Swinney, who at 8:30 a.m. was already looking back at stuffed tigers and imagining them speaking Spanish to him. Sleep deprivation and praying in front of a fax machine will do that to anyone, but especially a man teetering on the brink of sanity to begin with.

We'll be discussing everything so far at ten o'clock EST with Dan and company. Watch live below, and behold the birthin' beard we've been working on for the past two months.

"@edsbs: The baby: 10 pounds, 4 ounces. I am taking scholarship offers starting now" Fax us a letter next week w/ the lad's footprint on it

— Herb Hand (@CoachHand) January 30, 2013

You ask for it. You got it, sent mere minutes ago to the Vanderbilt football offices' email account. No, we didn't fax it, because there is actually no such thing as a functioning fax machine. BIG FAX WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE IN LIES.

The full text of the cover letter follows for easy readability.

Dear Vanderbilt Coaching Staff,

Please find attached the National Letter of Intent for one D'Brickashaw I. Hall, offensive/defensive line recruit from Atlanta, GA.

I understand that the practice of committing early is a dicey one. However, I believe that if you're not preparing you're falling behind, and thus would like to commit young "Brick" to Vanderbilt University despite being born last week.

Brick has shown promise already. At his current growth rate prorated from a birth weight of ten pounds and five ounces and a height of 23 inches, he should top out at somewhere around 7'2" and 385 pounds at his playing weight.

He also has displayed significant strength, lifting his head from his shoulders already. When converted to adult numbers, Brick lifting his head equates to a 1,400 pound neck lift. While not a complete strength profile, it certainly does hint at great strength potential.

He will not be fast. He will, however, be 7'2" and 385 pounds. This plan of attack worked for other successful SEC recruits like Terrence Cody and the legendary Floyd "Pork Chop" Womack. I believe it can work for you, as well.

Brick also has impressive arm flail and is an excellent communicator with a powerful, commanding cry. He is staring at the blinds a lot, and I assume this means he'll be academically brilliant. Qualifying will not be a concern.

Attached is a copy of his feet to verify size and potential.

Anchor Down,

Spencer Hall

CC: Coach Herb Hand, Vanderbilt University.

It's bold and it's unconventional, but dammit you don't land big fish in life without baiting the hook bright and early.

What we do know: per Clemson assistant Jeff Scott, that is assistant coach Tony Elliott holding up the National Letter of Intent for recruit Mackensie Alexander. What we don't know: who all the Twilight memorabilia belongs to, or how you'll talk us out of believing it belongs to rabid Twihard and #TeamEdward member Dabo Swinney. (Because that is TOTALLY Dabo's, and you only mock him because you have never known true love like Edward and Bella.)

P.S. No, that is not a picture of the secretary standing under a rainbow bridge between Edward and Jacob. That is not at all what you are seeing there.

Look through SB Nation's many excellent college football blogs to find your team's community.

Follow @SBNationCFBFollow @SBNRecruiting

Dammit.

DAMMIT.

Gimme my phone. Gimme that Parade from 2009. Oh golly bull's balls this is terrible. Trent Richardson? You got a number for this kid Trent Richardson? I DON'T WANNA HEAR YOUR JABBER-JAGGER THIS KID LOOKS LIKE A FOOTBALL PLAYER CALL HIM.

And call this Vos Savant darlin' too. RAWR.

See? Ol' Mack still got some research skills.

Dammit dammit dammit. We still got that Bob Stoops mask from the Halloween Party? Put that on and get to Snatch Chappin or whatever it is. Did we see a fat kid who can jump into this car on the way to the office? Sign him. Call the McCoys and the Shipleys. They have to have crapped out a couple of Sun Belt grade kids at least by now. If they haven't, tell 'em get to it. J-shaped fertility curve ain't helpin' recruiting either.

THREE THIRTY. Good lord, Mack. You've done this at the last second before but man, this ain't 2007. People'd soil themselves if they knew about 2011. Woke up and had 16 commits without recruiting anyone. The University of Texas autodrafts for you, thank God.

FOUR FORTY FIVE TARNATION. Ok, you get your ass over to the Sweet Tomatoes. Find whoever goes back to the fro-yo bar and give em a scholarship and a stack of coupons. I'm heading to the copy room to run off 800 flyers. Real bare bones. Maybe just say "PLAY CHAMPION FOOTBALL FOR MACK BROWN $500 OBO"

SIX THIRTY DAGGUMMIT. Worthless Tivo didn't even record Smash like I told it!

YOU SCARY, ALABAMA. A'Shawn Robinson, please be aware that this may be the most normal Alabama fan you ever meet.

(Via)

You may gawk at Ole Miss' curvebreaking recruiting effort yesterday, but do remember that the standard-bearers remain Alabama (who signed everyone) and schools like Notre Dame, Florida, and Ohio State, all of whom continued to rake in talented young men with intact and overdeveloped posterior chains for their football programs. We were particularly pleased with Florida signing five wide receivers, bringing our total roster total to FIVE WIDE RECEIVERS. This number is accurate and no you shut up it is.

THIS IS LIVING. Spurrier, signing day, um:

"I have my usual workout at about 10:30, 11:30, a quarter to 12, something like that. I came back and checked on the faxes. I think all of them were in except maybe one that we weren't sure of. That was about it. I made a few calls here and there and talked to some of the guys. That was about it. That's about what I do. You're not going to see me doing a whole bunch of 'rah, rahing' on signing day.

LIVE IT, SON.

NOT THAT IT DIDN'T GET AWKWARD. Because when coaches do television after getting fired, sometimes they have to interview the guys they replaced. You can stay in the corner, Houston, and just watch Hugh Freeze make sweet love to this ole miss here. Don't make it weird.

LET THAT BURN, OR AT LEAST GET WELL-DONE. Tommy Tuberville received a very special fax at Cincinnati from Texas Tech fans. Don't try to make excuses, Lubbock: any place that offers blueberry muffins as a side with a steak is a just a weird goddamn place to be.

LANE KIFFIN IS MORE OF A CURATOR, REALLY. USC only signed 13, and WHERE IS THE RAGE OVER UNDERSIGNING, EH? In other Trojan news, tight end Junior Pomee was arrested for felony receipt of stolen goods, and everything is just coming up Kiffin. (Fulmer Cupdate to follow.)

THE CULT OF SUMLIN ROLLS. We enjoy the contrast between Good Bull Hunting laying out seven degrees of Kevin Sumlin and Mack Brown blaming Twitter for his troubles.

THE HUMAN INTEREST DEPARTMENT REPORTING IN. Zack Golditch got a scholarship to Colorado State, which is great in general, and especially and specifically great because he survived the Aurora mass shooting in 2012.

ETC: So, soccer is fucked. Watch until the end for the best sarcastic "bravo!" ever.

Mike Gundy has a phenomenal knack for hiring offensive coordinators, so even if you haven't heard of Mike Yurcich, former offensive coordinator at D-2 Shippensburg, you can trust the hire simply based on those doing the hiring. (See: Holgorsen, Monken, and Fedora, to start.)

He also is happy to explain trick plays using Lego Star Wars figures. Our only complaint is the use of R2D2 as a center, a terrible call because he has no arms, and the absence of clear 5-star defensive end Chewbacca, aka "Jadeveon Clowney with a hair growth disorder." (via)

DON'T BLOW MY HIGH. Oh, man, this means nothing but good things for Florida.

First, Florida football players being arrested for minor marijuana possession typically corresponds to periods of success in the Gator football program, since a relaxed, stress-free football player is an effective Florida football players. Second, we learned that Louchiez Purifoy's middle name is "Deouncelonte," and he may literally be the only person on the planet named this. Congrats on both, and now please don't get arrested because you may be the best wide receiver the team has (in addition to being a starting cornerback.) The arrest report does, in fact, read something like this.

RIP, CHRIS RIX. Catch up on Twitter's most lopsided public feud between a former FSU quarterback hated by most everyone at FSU and a giant angry man who owns a sniper rifle! And then read about Dan Kendra, who has feuds with no one, and a 176 pound kettlebell in his garage.

WOOPIGTAILGATE. The most delicious part of Bret Bielema hosting a signing day party from the back of a huge pickup tailgate will be Wisconsin fans--WITHOUT IRONY--calling it hillbilly, and then returning to their lives in binge-drinking, deerhunting, ice-fishing-ass Wisconsin.

AIRBHG REALLY TURNS THE ENDING ON YOU. AIRBHG has so poisoned the brains of Iowa fans that they even include him laughing maniacally at the end of otherwise innocuous highlight videos.

ANYONE CAN GET A JOB ANYWHERE. Cam Cameron is one name associated with the vacancy on the offensive coaching staff at LSU, and yes, you too can coach anywhere after you've coached in the NFL for a few years. Stop trying to make Cam Cameron happen, life. Just stop.

OTHER CAM NEWS: just hanging around Auburn, making his bosses really anxious playing pickup basketball with clumsy teenagers. (We like that Bo quote at the bottom that just makes everyone else look like total pussies by comparison.)

ETC. This man is cleaning that monstrous kettlebell Dan Kendra has in his garage, and appears to be having a seizure while doing it.

The real-life version of Whacking Day, the Great Florida Python Hunt, is going as well as could be expected. No one has died, but two hunters from Tennessee were pulled from the Swamp after becoming "dazed and disoriented" this week by local Sheriff's authorities. They were treated at the scene and declined a hospital trip, because they are men who hunt snakes for fun in the Florida Everglades.

The best note from the article: despite nearly a month of effort by 1500 hunters combing the swamps day and night for snakes that average twelve feet in length, this is what they have to show for it.

More than 1,500 participants of a month-long python challenge have helped to capture 50 Burmese pythons in the Florida Everglades.

Hey, everyone gets three percent of a snake if you divide them evenly.

Randy Edsall this week told the tale of him being chased through Belle Glade during recruiting season, a first for him, but probably not for many who have had the privilege of traveling through beautiful South Florida. Did you know one out of every three people in South Florida will be chased at night by mysterious men in trucks at one point in their lifetime? And that nine out of ten of them deserved it?

Edsall's account, which may be and should be read in full here, follows:

The pickup truck tries to rear-end us. The other car tries to go outside us. He says, ‘Call 911.’ So I’m calling 911, I’m saying, ‘Hey, I’m the head coach at the University of Maryland. I know where we are, we’re getting chased. We didn’t do anything. We need a police officer to come out here.’ We drive for two and a half to three miles with people chasing us. Finally we get to the light. Brian outran them a bit. We get to the light, took a right and they stopped following us because we got out of things.

This being a story from Belle Glade requires no explanation for us, but we understand if someone uninitiated in "Florida Things" needs some semblance of explanation. Fortunately, Freek is here to help with just such an explanation. Yes: Randy Edsall only drives golf carts, even on public highways.

P.S. The part where Randy Edsall says "I'm the head coach at Maryland" to a Florida 911 operator as if that would do SHIT is our favorite part of the story.

The Cupdate is brought to you by Reggie Nelson's brother from another mother, the astonishingly well-hung Brian the Boardmaster. Points awards and clarifications follow.

USC. We didn't know Alabama hangin' judges sometimes made it all the way to Southern California, but when they do they prefer to give football players as many felony charges as possible for their crimes. Tight end Jordan Pomee was found passed out in an alley (that's bad!) by police, who then found Pomee to be belligerent and uncooperative with law enforcement (that's worse!) when roused, and why not because dammit that alley was comfortable, and call me Ja Rule because only god can judge me.

Then police found enough Apple gear on him to charge him with burglary, grand theft, and three counts of possession of stolen property. All are felonies, and thus three points a piece for a total of 15 points, or eight more points than the USC offense scored in the Sun Bowl against Georgia Tech. Thus the Fulmer Cup awards USC those fifteen points, and suggests that Lane Kiffin will surely deal with this as gracefully as he's dealt with every other controversy at USC: with buckets on both feet, and probably while calling someone "a buttlord" under his breath.

*The asterisk denotes a single player charge. If this held, Florida would win the team award, while USC would win the Ellis T. Jones III award for individual achievement.

FLORIDA. An aggressive start for Florida continues as Louchiez Purifoy's weed arrest nets the Gators one point for a misdemeanor, one bonus point for the homer multiplier, and two points total. Florida now stands tied for the lead with a solid early start. Your thoughts, Coach Muschamp?

"..."

"Thanks, coach."

WAZZU. We neglected to include Leon Brooks DUI last week, which was marginal but still legally drunk, which is a great way to describe most things, people, and events in Pullman. Two more points for the Washington State Cougars.

FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL. Prince Matt got a tiny little possession charge, which must have taken some work because seriously who the hell gets arrested for weed possession in Miami. He looked high! Like, TRIANGLE SHIRTWAIST FIRE BLAZED:

Mock him if you like, Ron Turner, but in the morning he will be sober, and you will still be the coach at FIU. One point for FIU, and may the good lord have mercy on your souls for hiring a sibling of Norv Turner.

ROLLLLLLLLLLLL NOT PICKIN' UP THE CHECK WITH OUR OWN MONEY TIDE. After seeing Auburn pull off the legendary Switzer Slam--a national title, Heisman, and Fulmer Cup all in the same year--Alabama naturally had to attempt the same one day.

They may have launched that very campaign this weekend with the Monday arrest of four football players on credit card fraud and robbery charges. Linebacker Tyler Hayes, d-lineman D.J. Pettway, running back Brett Calloway, and defensive back Eddie Williams were all arrested for some combination of those charges, though we don't know the exact distribution of those charges. (UAPD is going to have a press release later today clarifying them.)

In addition to that bundle of points (all felonies), Williams was picked up Sunday for carrying a gun without a license, and Ms. Tuscaloosa smiled in her mugshot for leaving the scene of an accident. It's Tuesday morning, and everything's coming up Yellowhammer State. Roll tide.

WOODY HAYES WAS NOT MENTALLY STABLE. If you want to know what Woody Hayes did with his retirement, well, it involved letting turtles bite his genitals and forcing stunned onlookers to watch. This is the second story in the Curious Index today, and it is a truly special day. By the way, you are now imagining Woody Hayes testing this out on every animal in the wild, and it is a hilarious and disturbing and disturbing visage.

Dammit, bear, latch onto it. Latch onto it! YOU CALL THAT A BITE? THAT'S NOT FUCKIN' TOUGHNESS! YOU'RE A MICHIGAN MAMMAL!

"I'LL SKIP THAT ONE."TAMU Compliance answers very silly compliance questions from Godfrey and CO.

DELOSS DODDS TALKIN' SHIT. He's quite good at it:

"We’re going to have good years again," Dodds promised. "Our bad years are not that bad. Take a school like Missouri. Our bad years are better than their good years. But we’ve created a standard."

MOAR RANCH. The Big Ten will go to nine or ten conference games in the near future because the market demands it, and because they recently added Rutgers and Maryland. Remember when that happened, and wasn't one of your weirder, more boring and improbable dreams?

ETC: DROP THE BASS.

If Urban Meyer is telling the same story year in and year out about a turtle biting Woody Hayes in the dick as a sign of toughness, then one has to ask the hard questions, like, "Why did he tell the same story about Earle Bruce the year before?" (Go to the 10:00 mark or so.)

It is entirely possible that Urban Meyer simply has them confused. It is also possible that this is simply a very good story, and letting the truth get in the way of that story would be a crime. Coaches and snapping turtles in buckets have appeared in the same motivational story before: Mike Ditka allegedly did a similar trick, but wisely used his hand instead of his dick.

So let's examine the legend in particulate, and estimate the plausibility of each.

1. That a coach would use an animal in a motivational demonstration: plausible. If Jackie Sherrill would castrate a bull to prove a point, then we can certainly see either Earle Bruce or Woody Hayes grabbing a random turtle to prove a point. We could also see Woody Hayes eating the turtle for lunch and calling it "a feisty omelet," because Woody Hayes was documentedly insane.

2. That a coach would use his penis as a motivational tool: sadly, also plausible. If the President of the United States did it, then yes, the leader of a college football program would do it.

3. That a coach would allow a turtle to bite his penis: fairly plausible. There is no way of saying what a coach will and won't do. However, the Illinois coaching job never goes vacant, so it is entirely plausible that a coach would stick their dick in a snapping turtle's mouth.

4. That the turtle would not bite the penis off completely: plausible. Large snapping turtles like loggerheads can take off a finger. Those cases are rare, however, and require a very big turtle--certainly not the kind you'd tote around in a bucket or a shoebox. The penis is a durable piece of gristle, and with a small turtle would likely only suffer severe bruising and possible laceration.

5. That you could get it to let go: highly plausible. Just block the nostrils, dumbass.

6. That either Woody Hayes or Earle Bruce would do any of this: totally plausible. The most suspicious thing in the story is its similarity to the Ditka story and the confusion between the two Ohio State coaches. The least suspicious? That either of the two men involved would do it. Earle Bruce allegedly hit players with a closed fist on multiple occasions, while Woody Hayes hit an opposing player in the face on national television. Bruce and Hayes both had moments of total lunacy to make their participation here seem plausible.

IN SUMMARY: Some former Ohio State coach could very well have done this, and that coach was either Hayes or Bruce. A turtle could in theory bite a man in the dick without ripping it off, and then be removed with some ease. Urban Meyer could have seen this, and then relayed it with some faulty accuracy. The story does have some strong similarities to a previous story involving Mike Ditka. Oh, and Tim Tebow could have some real potential as a linebacker, JevanSnead. That's all Urban Meyer's saying

PLAUSIBILITY: Half-likely, and a push at best between reality and fabrication.

The Westminster Dog Show finishes up tonight with the Sporting, Working, and Terrier groups. We rank the participants in each group by personal bias. Sorry, Cocker Spaniels and Rottweilers; you bite the writer, the writer bites back.

SPORTING

1. Vizsla. Will snuggle under covers and sing along with the radio, so basically an adorable Mogwai you can feed after midnight.

2. Irish Water Spaniel. Looks like Kenny G.

3. Irish Spring Spaniel. "Get wet whenever they can." THE ANDREW WK OF DOGS. \m/

4. Spinone Italiano. Only understands handlers who speak with wild, demonstrative, and profane hand gestures.

5. Welsh Springer Spaniel. Nicknamed "the velcro dog" either because of its dedication to its owners or because it can stick to any surface on first contact. You'll have to find out which for yourself.

6. German Shorthaired Pointer. Sturdy, well-built and industrious hunter.

7. German Wirehaired Pointer. Sturdy, well-built and industrious evil goateed twin of the German Shorthaired Pointer.

8. Golden Retriever. In three more generations of inbreeding will be a pleasant throw pillow with teeth.

9. Chesapeake Bay Retriever. Affectionate, loyal. Would be higher if not for high spontaneous combustion rate.

10. Pointer. Brought home to England from Spain in the 1700s along with syphilis and edible food.

11. Curly-coated Retriever. Constant reapplication of activator can be a chore.

12. Boykin Spaniel. South Carolina-bred spaniel is loving, but must wear an ankle monitor because of "some bullshit she said I did." Can't vote or get a concealed carry permit. (Ever.)

13. Gordon Setter. Props for being a handsome dog that also sounds like a sturdy dude's name.

14. Wirehaired Pointing Griffon. Is "people-oriented" because dog breed descriptions are cut and pasted randomly from bad résumés.

15. Weimaraners. Imagine: a German dog that's nervous, prone to killing things that come into its territory, and matches most military uniforms.

16. Clumber Spaniel. Known for shedding, health problems, snoring, and drooling. Recently signed by Redskins for $43 million contract.

17. English Setter. Described as "mischievous" and "couch potato," so will poop on your couch and laugh about it.

18. Labrador Retriever. DNA tests will one day reveal this toy bear species has been making a mockery of "dog" enthusiasts for over three centuries now.

19. Field Spaniel. Adorable, but prone to hip dysplasia and identity theft.

20. Brittany Spaniel. A "sensitive gun dog" sounds like a workplace shooting just waiting to happen.

21. Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever. The breed description read "Bred to resemble a fox," which my brain turned to "Bred to resemble Redd Foxx," and now I'm just really disappointed in reality.

22. Irish Setter. The dog world's equivalent of the beautiful but stupid high schooler who dies in a spring break parasailing accident.

23. Irish Red and White Setter. The Irish Setter, but violently racist.

24. Sussex Spaniel. Most notable trait: being "liver-colored."

25. Cocker Spaniels. Violent, greasy, antisocial wigs. Like a psychopathic hair weave that learned hate at an early age.

WORKING DOGS

1. Dogue du Bordeaux. HOOCH. [wins by default]

2. Greater Swiss Mountain Dog. By definition, greater than the next dog in the list. (Duh.)

3. Bernese Mountain Dogs. Lacks endurance and allows children to crawl over it, so is basically everyone's dad in dog form. Dad's cool.

4. Great Dane. By breed standard should have a tapered waist, a dignified air of permanent existential terror, and farts like pepper spray farted from the ass of a vegan dragon.

5. Samoyed. Too friendly to be a guard dog, so basically the albino Andy Dwyer of the dog world.

6. Newfoundland. A strong swimmer with webbed toes and a waterproof coat, just like your mother

7. Great Pyrenees. "That's a huge-ass white dog. Looks like Jamarcus Russell's coat." --Charles Barkley, dog show commentator.

8. Doberman Pinscher. Downside: May be aggressive towards strangers. Upside: if it bites someone, that stranger IS A SPY.

9. St. Bernard. A common myth is that the breed are "compulsive alcoholics" who carry brandy with them in a barrel around their necks. They buy their brandy at the store like the rest of us, and drink it quietly, and with sorrow, in darkened rooms alone at night while watching Chopped.

10. Schnauzer. All we know is that the schnauzer was bred to have a mustache, and that's enough for us to give it a fairly high ranking.

11. Komondor. The white guy with dreads of the dog world. Down to hackysack wheneverrrrr. Alternately, is an exploding mop.

12. German Pinscher. A discount Doberman.

13. Siberian Husky. "The escape artist" of dogs, which is why your car and your wallet are gone and your credit card has some really, really weird charges on it. (He did sign you up for Amazon Plus, so thanks, made-up husky who can use a credit card.)

14. Portuguese Water Dog. The Obama family's dog, chosen for its hypoallergenic coat, great tolerance for children, and tolerance for extrajudicial killings of American citizens.

15. Cane Corso. You're not sure if it's bulletproof, but you don't want to be the one who finds out it isn't.

16. Neopolitan Mastiff. "Giuseppe, make me the giant dog that looks like it's made of melting candlewax and evil.""Okay, Don Frangelico, okay!"

17. Tibetan Mastiff. That's a bear stop it no really that's a bear get it the hell out of here before it hurts someone.

18. Leonberger. Bred to look like a lion because people who breed dogs have way, way too much free time.

19. Bullmastiff. A powerful dog that rarely barks not because it is confident, but because it is secretly ashamed of its awful singing voice. (Hold him. Please.)

20. Black Russian Terrier. Nickname: STALIN'S DOG. (No, really, that's its nickname.)

21. Boxer. Fact: the boxer suffers from a disorder that makes human faces taste like cake frosting.

22. Giant Schnauzer. Makes us sad only by reminding all of us that no one has made a Giant Dachshund (yet).

23. Akita. The anime wolf of your nightmares.

24. Kuvasz. Yet another huge white dog why are you so racist dogmakers of Central Europe

25. Alaskan Malamute. Difficult to train, but does receive an Alaskan oil subsidy check each month.

26. Anatolian Shepherd Dog. Kills wolves with ease and is illiterate. The Gary Busey of dogs.

27. Rottweiler. PRONE TO ATTACKING BLOGGERS FOR NO REASON AS THEY JOG. CHOICE OF 95 POUND METH ADDICTS WHO CAN'T CONTROL THEIR ANIMALS. I'M SURE YOU HAVE A NICE ONE AND YOU CAN KEEP IT RIGHT OVER THERE ON THE LEASH BECAUSE NO, BLOODTHIRSTY ROTTWEILER, I NEEDED THE EXERCISE OF GETTING ON TOP OF THIS PICKUP TRUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF ATLANTA AND SCREAMING FOR THE POLICE. Great with kids.

TERRIERS

1. Bull Terrier

2. American Staffordshire Terrier

3--31. [ANGRY DOGS THAT KILL AND GUT RATS]

YOU CAN HIT ME BUT I'LL STILL LOVE YOU, ALABAMA FOOTBALL. The Alabama student paper has the full details of Tyler Hayes and Eddie Williams' robbery of an Alabama student, and it sounds nasty as hell. It's cool, though, since the student still loves you, Alabama football, even though a football player beat you so badly you were knocked out and your face swelled to a "gigantic" size.

"This was just a matter of chance. I’m still gonna love Alabama football. I just want to deal with this case, move on with my life," Jurgens said.

All of the "Skittles Four" involved in the array of petty assaults and thefts have been suspended by Alabama as they "gather more information." Hope you liked having fingernails, gentlemen. Because can he be honest with you? Nick Saban being here is bad news. He's not your friend. He's not gonna help you. He's gonna break you. Any questions?

WOO PIG SULTRY. Defensive end Austin Flynn of Arkansas was arrested for DWI this morning, and my goodness, is that a sexy mugshot. Everything's coming up Arkansas in the past 48 hours, and by that we mean that John L. Smith is being accused of using his employment contracts with the Razorbacks to defraud creditors seeking some share of his bankruptcy settlement.

URBANATOR RETURNS. We link this because Andy's good at this, but also to point out longtime horrible EDSBS commenter GoalieLax in the first comment, who has been saying that everything is hackneyed since like literally 2006. Here is your chicken: please continue fucking it.

LANE KIFFIN IS DONE. Matt Hayes thinks so, though in mentioning Kiffin's ability to get good jobs despite mixed results he misses what would be the most Lane Kiffin thing ever: keeping the USC job against all evidence that he should not. ("And you'll like it, butthorn," says Lane Kiffin before pressing START on a microwave full of old fish in the office kitchen.)

BOB STOOPS, NOW JUST TAKING TEN WINS AND THROWING THEM OUT THE WINDOW. The staff shakeup at Oklahoma is understandable, but damn, it's got to suck to have ten wins on the year and look at it and think: "Meh."

ETC: Dusty Rhodes, our finest national poet. Joe's gettin' blazed for liberty. LEONARD NOW, LEONARD FOREVER.

The greatest part of the Urban Meyer Turtle Woody Hayes Penis brouhaha is that someone at Ohio State had to send this letter. That someone is OSU athletic communications person Jerry Emig, and he writes the best subject lines ever.

Date: Feb. 12, 2013

To: Media Covering Ohio State Football

From: Jerry Emig

What: Joke

This note is in response to the headlines that are running on the internet that don’t seem to take into consideration that Coach Meyer told a JOKE to a crowd of high school coaches last week. He was telling a story about toughness and he exaggerated a story about toughness. It is the same story he has told numerous times before, including last year at this same convention; only the coach he talked about last year wasn’t Coach Hayes, but Coach Bruce.

So please know: the story about toughness that Coach Meyer shared with a crowd last week and the year before and numerous times before was a joke and only a joke.

Thank you in advance for your clarifications.

Jerry Emig

Jokes usually have introductions in some context as jokes, Jerry Emig, but we're happy that in the course of your professional life you had to write a response letter to the internet about a story involving a legendary Ohio State coach letting a turtle bit his dick. That happened, and to give you that clarification you're waiting on: it was beautiful.

P.S. Jerry Emig, on the scale of most Ohio names ever, is a solid #38 all time.

Because it is the football offseason, we should really all talk about other things. Let's all agree not to do that though, and instead continue to talk about football, most importantly about a question that has bothered mankind for centuries: if you were drafting a football team from a roster of dinosaurs, which dinosaurs would you take at each position?

We asked Joe Sertich, Curator of Vertebrate Paleontology at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science, this important question. He answered, and did so in detail.

Offense

Quarterback, Gigantoraptor. He has all of the tools to be a multi-tool weapon. Huge arm, fast feet, turn and cut on a dime, plus the size and long neck to see over the immense line. Plus, has a built-in helmet to prevent concussions. As a close relative of the big-brained dromaeosaurids, or "raptors," Gigantoraptor also probably has the intelligence to handle the position.

Wide Receiver: Ornithomimus, Struthiomimus. These fleet-footed ostrich-mimics have the straight-line speed, cutting ability, and importantly, the reach to be the ideal WRs. Long arms and a runner's body, huge eyes for great vision. The ideal receivers.

Fullback: Triceratops. Elephant-sized, speed, and a head covered with horns and a shield make him the ultimate lead blocker able to plow a path for RBs.

Artist's depiction. Not actual photo. Promise.

Running back: Utahraptor. Largest of the "raptor" dinosaurs has the speed and cutting ability, paired with bulk. Huge claw-tipped hands help him hold onto the ball to prevent fumbles.

Tight End: Therizinosaurus. Huge bulk to block when necessary but also huge hands (claws more than three feet long), perfect for catching a football. Would be the perfect receiver if it had speed.

Guards: Ankylosaurus, Euoplocephalus. Low center of gravity, heavily armored. Able to plow forward to bulldoze a path or move a pile. Tail clubs to protect the QB

Right Tackle: Diplodocus. Huge size but a little leaner than the left tackle. Long body to protect the edge at nearly 100 feet long.

Left Tackle: Apatosaurus ("Brontosaurus"). Immense size to protect the edge at about 60,000 pounds.

Center: Stegosaurus. Large size but with low center of gravity, and ability to quickly pivot to protect the QB or pull on runs. Can stand up into tripodal stance to gain leverage and has spiked tail for extra protection against inside rushes and blitzes.

Defense

Free Safety: Pachycephalosaurus. This large dome-headed dinosaur would be a hard hitter able to cover ground quickly and lay a hit but also cover speedy receivers. Unfortunately, lots of penalties for using the crown of his head.

Strong Safety: Lambeosaurus. This crested duck-billed dinosaur has the bulk to play the run, but the speed to cover tight ends.

Cornerbacks: Velociraptor, Deinonychus. Both of these "raptors" have superior speed and jumping ability, in addition to long arms and hands. Able to intimidate the larger wide receivers.

Inside LB: Tyrannosaurus Rex. Speed and bulk make him the ultimate defensive weapon. Hard-hitting, head first style. Would have been a QB if he had an arm.

Note: not a T-Rex head, but you try fitting it in the frame with Ray Lewis' upper body.

Outside LBs: Allosaurus, Carnotaurus. Perfect combination of size and speed. Strong hands and arms for allosaurus, powerful legs and horned head for carnotaurus. Both with nasty attitudes. Able to fight off blocks, drop into coverage or rush the QB with vicious claws, teeth and powerful legs

Defensive End: Spinosaurus, Giganotosaurus. Two of the largest meat-eating theropods with incredibly powerful arms and hands tipped with huge claws. Size and speed combination is unparalleled.

Defensive Tackle/Nose: Brachiosaurus, Argentinasaurus. Both are huge. 70,000 pounds of run-clogging bulk, long neck to bat balls down for Brachiosaurus. Largest dinosaur to ever live in Argentinasaurus at up to 140,000 pounds.

Special Teams

Kicker: Parasaurolophus. Duck bill dinosaur with powerful legs plus the benefit of a trumpet-like crest to announce kick-offs.

Punter: Iguanodon. Huge hind limbs for booming kicks, but also has thumb spikes and a mean streak for emergency tackles.

Kick returner: Microraptor. Four-winged feathered dinosaur with great vision and superb speed. Could glide through coverage. Amazing change of direction, abilities to make ankle-breaking cuts.

Wedge buster: Pachyrhinosaurus. Hard charging, with the surprising speed and the bulk to get around blocks. Huge head dome for absorbing impacts and plowing through blocks.