Underage is a term that carries way more lethal stopping power now than it used to, since a full 45% of love songs written before 1990 centered on the theme of "man, she's sixteen, let a 42 year old man find love where he finds love." There are a thousand examples, and for a long time we stood by the assertion that none eclipse the eternal creepiness of Benny Mardones' 1980 classic "Into the Night."

We were wrong. There is something creepier than than the song "Into the Night." That thing: the original video for Benny Mardones' "Into the Night," featuring a goblin-faced Benny Mardones in a sleeveless striped t-shirt stalking a sixteen year old girl through a window, and then through a spectral statutory rape Tardis, and finally on a magic carpet that smells like Night Train and old cigarette smoke.

If Benny Mardones released this song today, he would be arrested.

Underage, however, can mean a lot of things. It can mean Benny Mardones deflowering a girl on a thrift shop rug while her dad passes out drunk in the next room watching wrasslin' on a Monday night, or more benignly it can mean doing what people have been doing for centuries: giving alcohol to minors to make friends.

Utah State, fortunately, is only guilty of the latter:

Doughty, 21, was boating at Sand Hollow State Park outside of St. George on Tuesday when rangers pulled up to the boat for an inspection and discovered two underage drinkers, according to a probable cause statement filed Wednesday in 5th District Court. The two females took breath tests that were positive for alcohol and said that Doughty and another person on the boat had purchased the alcohol for them, court documents state.

Doughty did the chivalrous thing by taking the blame for everything, and for that earned a misdemeanor charge of providing alcohol to minors. For that he and Utah State receive one point in the Fulmer Cup for the misdemeanor charge, and oh you say he's got a mugshot--

--and that's two points for Utah State, since if anyone's ever going to get a bonus for giving underage ladies beer in Utah, it's going to be a man with that mullet.

P.S. this is the most horrifying still from the original "Into The Night" video:

THIS IS WHAT RESTRAINING ORDERS ARE FOR

Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn are a couple, and FACEBOOK IS ON IT:

Lindsey, I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. Tiger would never do the things to you that he did to Elin. This time it's different. I mean after all Elin was only his wife and the mother of his children...--Mitzi Wilkinson Champion

"Oh god," thought Lindsey, reeling as she fell back from the laptop. He said she died in the hurricanes! She dove off the balcony and into the waters below his seaside castle, swimming away as fast as she could. I'd be in that trap right now if it weren't for you, Ms. Champion. Thank you.

Obviously all those crashes are affecting your brain function. Hopefully you have good health insurance. Your gonna need a lot of penicillin.--Max VanNostrand

Dr. Van Nostrand put the laptop down, and continued the brain surgery on the President that no one was supposed to know about because Dr. Van Nostrand was also the CIA agent and a model in his spare time but can't tell you about it because that's just not how secrets work.

N----r lover. --Mike Derrick

Surprisingly, Mr. Derrick, a native of Louisiana, is listed as "divorced" in his profile, and made this comment in public in the year 2013, except without the dashes we put in the middle of a racial slur. His likes include Tom Clancy, Two and a Half Men, golf, and "Flo the Progressive Girl." He is an awful human being.

Let's end this on a positive note, Facebook:

I LIKE !!!!!! Congrats and lots of happiness from Abu Dhabi!! --Nessa T Accardo

At least the United Arab Emirates still believes in love. (Next time: close the comments, y'all. Close them forever.)

Girls, I got my dark tanning oil. I got my Y-cross. Lay out by the pool. This the American dream, y'all.

Don't be 'spicious, y'all. This is Air Raaiiiiiiid. Air Raiiiiiiiid foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

AHAHAHA JIM DELANY WANTS TO SECEDE. Oh ho ho ho ho ho Jim Delany wants hisself a secession, sonny.

"...it has been my longstanding belief that The Big Ten's schools would forgo the revenues in those circumstances and instead take steps to downsize the scope, breadth and activity of their athletic programs," Delany wrote. "Several alternatives to a 'pay for play' model exist, such as the Division III model, which does not offer any athletics-based grants-in-aid, and, among others, a need-based financial model. These alternatives would, in my view, be more consistent with The Big Ten's philosophy that the educational and lifetime economic benefits associated with a university education are the appropriate quid pro quo for its student athletes."

In response: AAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA BYE. Patrick Hruby already dynamited this whole thing for us, because he's a giver like that. You see, the greatest part is that everything Jim Delany is saying is technically concordant with all legal contracts, and he will repeat it and the bizarre fictional universes that could result with the cancellation or modification of those contracts. They have nothing to do with reality, but it's at least referent to a rule, and thus sounds like it's right and just. He's so much a lawyer that he is incapable of doing anything but lawyering, his JD having crept into his brain and taken over the whole apparatus. This makes him very good at his job, and also incapable of saying anything against the interests of his client.

The tricky part for counselor Delany is that he is effectively his own client as head of the Big Ten, and there is one very tired phrase about that arrangement. P.S. You ain't doing shit, son, sit your ass down before Michigan, Penn State, and Ohio State do their own secedin'. No one should ever listen to Jim Delany say anything about anything.

Meanwhile, this is the SEC right now in response:

ROLL BASKETBALL TIDE. Don't ask how Jason Kirk's all-college football bracket turns out with an Alabama national championship it just does so shut up OKAY SHUT UP AND ROLL TIDE.

MEANWHILE OVER AT THE NCAA. Those rules we said we'd use are in fact not going to be used because we basically are just making this up as we go.

STRONG MUSTACHE GAME ON THE PLAINS. Nebraska has no desire to relinquish their student mustache crown.

TRESSEL DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO USE ANYONE ON OFFENSE. Seriously, we remember when this first happened and Ohio State fans actually said "Tressel never recognized the offensive weapon that was A.J. Trapasso!"

ETC: You go, Moldova. This essay about The Shining will break your brain. MIAMI THINGS.

The lead piece on the mothership right now is Martin Rickman's piece on Valpo's heartstab of the Ole Miss basketball team in the opening game of the 1999 tourney, a three-pointer at the buzzer taken off a full court heave and a quick touch-pass known in the playbook as "Pacer." It's neat, and it's the perfect call for the situation, and it never, ever worked once in practice.

Low-probability plays that work in live game situations like "Pacer" almost never work in practice. This is true of most of the trick plays or desperation schemes you remember in college football. "Circus," the hook-and-lateral play Boise pulled to score the penultimate TD in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl, never worked in practice. It also called for up to two more laterals because when Chris Petersen decides to ride the warp drive hard, he pushes the throttle down until the bolts start to rattle out of the bastard.

Most of the other great trick plays remembered as roaring successes in college football never worked in practice either, and with good reason: they rarely work, period. Like that time you won a massive hand in blackjack or got a parking spot in the second row at the mall three days before Christmas, it's a memory specially enshrined several shelves above reality.

Trick plays period usually fail, just like half the plays for a good team in football. Philip Sims, for instance, has probably forgotten all about this:

Sorry, Philip. We didn't, and that's why we looked it up because nothing is funnier than a quarterback flipping the script on a catch-skill player and dropping six precious points clanking to the turf. Your brain's adorable like that: when you see a trick play work, and work with such devastating, humiliating precision, a very stupid and cute part of your brain says "WHY DON'T WE MAKE THE WHOLE PLAYBOOK OUT OF IT."

It should be forgiven for that, though. The whole joy you feel in watching "Circus" or any other trick play work is a smarter part of your brain attaching real joy to hard math, i.e. glee powered by the understanding that what someone just pulled off was by the numbers highly unlikely. A successful trick play is a middle finger in the face of life's actuarial tables, a protagonist reaching for the banana in the final firefight instead of the gun and somehow still winning. A trick play says "I don't want you to lose. I want you to lose in the stupidest, most painful way possible."*

*See: LES FUCKIN' MILES.

This is something we support in ever possible way, and especially when it involves Mark Dantonio ripping off his fleshmask and unveiling the red crazed visage of a demonic gambler.

P.S. Mark Dantonio had a heart attack after this. Don't ever do this again, Mark Dantonio.

Goddamn, Purdue. It's like you want Neil Armstrong to rise from the grave and go on a zombie rampage through West Lafayette. Is this already a video game? Because you should really make Neil Armstrong rising from the dead to take vengeance on the entire campus for this video. There is a point in here where someone yells "Indiana sucks," and that is the saddest moment in the course of human history because it makes you remember that no matter where someone is on the head-pissing chain of life, there is someone below them getting their head pissed on by the person you thought was at the bottom. (Via)

P.S. John Shoop is your offensive coordinator. We can't punish you any more than what you already have coming.

The internet has a habit of making you think Russians live like deranged superheroes: waterskiing in subzero temperatures behind galloping horses, climbing buildings like stuntmen during the work week, and electing leaders who collect tigers like stray kittens.

This is a cheap stereotype, of course. A video of a pigtailed 13-year-old girl bench pressing 240 pounds with ease will probably just reinforce that cheap stereotype, yes?

Yes, yes it will do just that, internet. #Russiathings

YEAAAAAH WHAT HARVARD PRO DAY RAWWWWWWWK. PLAY THAT SPLINTER CELL ACTION SEQUENCE CUTAWAY MUSIC I-V-Y! I-V-Y!

We share this just to show that despite what you've heard, some people do manage to escape Harvard and go on to do things with their lives.

REASONABLE DISCUSSION TO FOLLOW. We are certain grown men and women can handle Jeff Davis discussing secession advice with Jim Delany AHAHAHHAHAA.

JADEVEON CLOWNEY, THE SEC'S ONE MAN MOTIVATIONAL POSTER. Tiny Richardson is down to his lowest playing weight ever thanks to the predictable "best offseason ever,"and also because he, too, was scarred by things a very bad man from South Carolina did to him in a game situation. We really can't recommend the "turnovers on special teams and instant three touchdown lead" strategy against South Carolina enough.

DANA HOLGORSEN IS A SPANKER. It's the look of delight that makes it so special.

BRACKETOLOGY YOU CAN APPRECIATE. We disagree with a lot of the beer verdicts here, but mostly because when deciding between two regional beers we choose the place that's nicer for sitting outside and drinking beer. This is why Colorado wins, and places like Michigan and Illinois can suck it because seriously drinking beer at altitude is one of the few moments when you get confused and assume you're some kind of minor god.

YOU CAN'T SPELL HIS NAME WITHOUT "LOSS" IS APPARENTLY CATCHING ON. Texas fans may be starting to tire of their athletic director. Just a hunch.

EVERYTHING ONE MIGHT NEED TO KNOW: about Notre Dame's spring practices, including the surprising knowledge that the loss of Manti Te'o might not actually be that big a deal. (We'd worry a bit more about Golson developing into more of a passer, but Brian Kelly once strung together pieces of four QBs at Cincy into a ten win season, so we're not overly concerned.)

ETC: North Korea documentary on Youtube to blow the rest of the am? Why, sure.

There are things the southern portion of the United States is bad at historically: reading, organized zoning of city land, civil rights, being thin in non-poverty scenarios, and...and a lot of things, actually.

Yet despite those incompetencies, some positive universal historical strengths have emerged, with none being more clear than this: when it comes time to celebrate something with benign vandalism, those born in the south know precisely how to do it. You get none of the sloppy runover you see in Philadelphia fan riots, nor the random stabbings that accompany Los Angeles championships celebrations. No one's going to riot over hockey ever, and especially not in the weirdass HOLY SHIT, VANCOUVER GETS AGGRO WHO KNEW kind of way Vancouver did it.

aaahhhhhhh Canada seriously what the fuck you were supposed to be nice

Instead, what you get in most SEC celebrations is hooting, hollering, and then perhaps a few poorly executed fan-fights before everything disperses to the bars. Thus do we find the failure of the hivemind here to be so disappointing, Auburn:

"The poles may be there for at least a couple of football seasons. It’s my understanding that once they get the transplanted trees there, they don’t want people to roll them for maybe three years. So we may be looking at two or three football seasons."

Dammit, Auburn. Rolling things is on that short list of things the South is supposed to just be innately good at, and planning is antithetical to the entire exercise. We know you had the symbolic heart of the university literally poisoned by a deranged Alabama fan, but what hasn't Alabama poisoned at one point in its history? It's what they're designed to do, and you shouldn't have been surprised.

The point is that if you are from the South, or Southerners, or whatever you want to call what you are, you do not roll the pole you are given. No, hell no, and haaiiiil no: you stride right past that and festoon the nearest thing you are NOT supposed to roll: a law enforcement officer, a national monument, a passing endangered bird of some sort seconds away from being shot by a nearby hunter...anything but the thing you are supposed to use.

Just go out and roll something, dammit, and plan none of it. That's not just the southern way: it's the American way. (P.S. the southern part is if you roll something and it catches fire, and you raise a fist and holler and then run before the cops get there.)

Buffalo Wild Wings is the official home of March Madness. This means you, like every American, will be literally trapped inside a Buffalo Wild Wings for the next month, since no one may leave a Buffalo Wild Wings once the event has started, and may not be allowed to leave for some time. It is a brilliant business model and a civil rights violation, and that's what makes it a particularly American success story.

You will have to survive. Things will get real in a hurry inside the Buffalo Wild Wings inside of a week, and then perhaps even faster if you are in one in Ohio or Florida. You need to plan early, and then stick to that plan once the people stop being polite, and start being cannibal survivalists trapped in a chain restaurant with only alcohol and fried food to survive on.

A MAP FOR SURVIVAL IN THE BW3

THE FIRST ROUND OF 64

Louisville vs. NC A&T. Control the bathrooms and you control the BW3. Louisville in a walk.

Colorado State vs. Mizzou. Take the liquor, but let them have the beer taps. They will run out quickly, while liquor serves both as bribe and molotov cocktail. Um, Colorado State because Mizzou is an SEC team.

Oklahoma State vs. Oregon. Make friends with the cooks. One of them has probably done some time and knows how to take care of themselves in close quarters. I take Oregon because, um, uniforms. I have watched two college basketball games this year.

Saint Louis vs. New Mexico State. Seriously make friends with the cooks: they have knives. New Mexico State wins because ROCKET SLEDS beat whatever the city of Saint Louis is.

Saint Mary's vs. Memphis. Factions will form quickly. Divide them with bribes of jalapeno poppers and conquer. Saint Mary's wins because Memphis is undoubtedly tied up in some weird points-shaving scandal because they are located in Memphis.

Michigan State vs. Valparaiso. I understand the Big Ten is good at basketball, which is proof college basketball is weird. Michigan State wins. Take control of the remote controls immediately.

Creighton vs. Cincinnati. Once you have control of the bathrooms, work to control the kitchen, or at least the walk-in. In hell this is a Showcase Showdown vacation package, but we'll take Cincinnati because you can jump into a slightly warmer river to escape.

Duke vs. Albany. ALBANY THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE. Find the person with the Duke jersey on and exile them to the roof. They have no life skills and cannot help you in your new post-apocalyptic Buffalo Wild Wings future.

Gonzaga vs. Southern. Controlling the televisions is important. If unrest breaks out, control the populace by putting on Chopped, because everyone can unify in their irrational love of Chopped. She didn't plate in time! OH MY GOD. Gonzaga wins because I've heard of their basketball team.

Wichita State vs. Pittsburgh. If water runs short inside the BW3, stick a pebble in your mouth. I don't know if this works but it was in the 1968 copy of the Boy Scout Handbook I had, a book that probably is responsible for hundreds of deaths in the wild. Wichita State wins because I cannot root against a Shocker.

Wisconsin vs. Ole Miss. Liberate the video games immediately to distract and appease potentially angry citizens. Nothing good ever happens to Ole Miss, and you know this is true in your heart. Wisconsin wins.

Kansas State vs. LaSalle. In desperate situations, stale flatbread may be formed into a sturdy shiv. Kansas State advances also because we've heard of them.

Belmont vs. Arizona. Torture is unethical, so do not put on the "Broadway Medley" channel on the satellite radio unless you absolutely have to. Belmont wins because Arizona's mascot terrifies me.

WHERE ARE HIS EYES

New Mexico vs. Harvard. Dim the lights from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. to simulate darkness and keep everyone on a somewhat normal sleep cycle. New Mexico advances because your rowing skills are useless in the desert, Harvard boy.

Iowa State vs. Notre Dame. Be wary of "accidental" glass breakage: that person may be creating a sharp object to kill you with! Notre Dame wins because historically they save sporting failure for big stages, not opening rounds.

Ohio State vs. Iona. Ohio State advances. If someone in your BW3 is an Ohio State fan, tell them to take that backwards fitted off, it looks terrible and they'll regret wearing it like that when they're older. This has something to do with survival, because you want people to believe they will one day escape the Buffalo Wild Wings.

Kansas vs. Western Kentucky. Morning workouts will help maintain morale and overall health. Perform basic maneuvers in groups that everyone can do. Kansas wins because I am an expert and know that they are good at basketball.

North Carolina vs. Villanova. Grab the gift cards ASAP. THEY ARE YOUR NEW CURRENCY. Villanova wins because I don't trust coach Larry Fedora and the spread offense in this matchup.

VCU vs. Akron. If Shaka Smart is in your BW3, make him your new leader. He will lead you to survival. VCU wins.

Michigan vs. South Dakota State. If someone knocks on the door of the BW3, do not open it. They probably have the plague, or are a zombie. Michigan wins because again, the Big Ten has to be good at something.

Minnesota vs. UCLA. You might think a "Hunger Games" setup would pass the time, but you'll be horrified at how long it takes to kill someone with just knives and barstools. Speaking of places where people get killed with barstools and knives: Minnesota, for the win!

Florida vs. Northwestern State. Florida cruises. If the heat fails, burn powdered coffee creamer for warmth. It's shockingly flammable.

San Diego State vs. Oklahoma. Trash bags can make stylish and durable clothing in a pinch. Oklahoma, a place known for survivalist moxie, advances.

Georgetown vs. Florida Gulf Coast University. If conflict results in damage to the BW3's roof, flatscreen televisions can be arranged into a cozy shelter in mere minutes. FGCU advances due to me being fond of vaguely accurate geographical names for places.

Indiana vs. James Madison University. If someone tries to criticize your leadership decisions, rebut with "THERE'S NO TIME FOR DEBATE!" It wins every argument in a survival situation. Indiana wins because Tom Crean has an awful haircut, and in college basketball the coach with the worst hair wins the tournament every year.

Temple vs. NC State. Keep stripped wing bones for use in building body armor. Temple is from Philadelphia, so I assume they have this game fixed already, and therefore advance.

California vs. UNLV. Stage emergency drills for "when the jerks from the Hooters attack us." There might not be a Hooters nearby, or a real threat, but a scared tribe unified against a common enemy is a tribe that is not planning to overthrow you. UNLV wins because I remember they used to be really good and corrupt.

Syracuse vs. Montana. Do you have someone from Montana in the BW3? Keep them out of the air vents, or they'll live up there for weeks and remain a threat as experienced survivalists by upbringing. Jim Boeheim quits midgame and Syracuse wins anyway.

Bucknell vs. Butler. Butler advances because bulldogs are adorable. If you find yourself in a melee combat situation, wad up sugar packets in your fist to add some heft to your strikes. (Every bit counts in a survival situation.)

Davidson vs. Marquette. NO SUBSTITUTIONS. Survival situations mean that burger's coming with fries, buddy. (Answer: THERE'S NO TIME.) Marquette advances because, um, checkerboard patterns on uniforms or something.

Illinois vs. Colorado. Illinois advances because they need something to live for in Illinois. You really should have given everyone in the BW3 a fake name to avoid criminal charges after this blows over.

Miami vs. Pacific. Once the BW3 is liberated, leave the country for several months. Or go to Miami, which is basically just as good.

More in College Basketball:

• March Madness TV guide for Thursday and Friday

• Printable bracket for March Madness

• Need help filling out your bracket? Check out our predictions

• An oral history of Bryce Drew's epic buzzer-beater

• The best NBA draft prospects of March Madness

• Full coverage of March Madness

Who's James Madison? Victor Oladipo: "He signed the declaration ...Emancipation Proclamation, something like that."wapo.st/Z3De9w

— Rick Maese (@RickMaese) March 21, 2013

In Victor Oladipo's defense, James Madison signed a ton of stuff, all the time, and was a horrible point guard on the Founding Fathers' starting five. Now, Thomas Jefferson? That was an athlete with post moves and a surprisingly soft touch on his jumper. The Pippen to Washington's Jordan, if you will.

WHEN YOU WORK AT HOME YOU RUN OUT OF PANTS FAST. We were at Vandy's spring practice yesterday, and the highlights were the following items:

• James Franklin made fun of our green pants. We really need to buy new pants.
• Wes Johnson, Vandy's starting LT this spring, has taken 2462 snaps as a starter at four different positions and has ZERO false starts in his career.
• Scot Aiello, a relatively unheralded special teams/DB guy, is 180 pounds and deadlifts 500 pounds. Translation: he is very, very strong.
• Vanderbilt has a very fun practice with lots of James Franklin bouncing around and yelling at people. Think Pete Carroll with a goatee and less yelling out of the word "TOKYO!" and you're getting close.

YOU JUST KEEP DOING WHATEVER MR. SABAN SAYS, SIR. Bill Battle will be the new AD at Alabama, and he'll keep doing what Mal Moore did: writing checks to football whenever they say "please write us a check." (P.S. Nick Saban does not say "please.")

THAT'S A BIT REDUNDANT. Les Miles said the LSU offense will be limited in the first spring scrimmage, which really could have just been shortened to "The LSU offense will be."

THE BAD NEWS AND THE GOOD NEWS. The bad news is that Jarvis Jones looked kind of fat and out of shape at his pro day. The good news for Georgia fans is that Todd Gurley somehow weighs more and yet looks and feels better than he did in 2012, which is either standard spring tale-tellin', or a biological miracle that spells doom for every middle linebacker in the conference.

EVERYONE IS VERY CONFIDENT. Jeff Driskel is very confident, confidently confidenting his confidence into the growing confidence of his offense with a c and an o and an n and an f and an i and a d and an ence. .

HE'LL HELP YOU IF HE CAN, MATE. Brad Wing is happy to work with you to improve a certain aspect of Australian tourism.

THE LONE NON-SEC NOTE HERE: just putting out horrendous conspiracy theories, Oregon TE who will soon know better through SIDs going whoaaaaaa budday let's not do that.

ETC: Glad you didn't die, Ta-Nehisi Coates. The Airball: our true national pastime.

If it's New Mexico, then it's a Breaking Bad reference. And if it's Harvard coming out of nowhere to poison New Mexico's tournament dreams in the first round, then it must be a nod to season four, episode ten of the series, aka Gus Fring's finest hour: "Salud."

There's no such thing as a free bottle of tequila or a ticket to the second round, New Mexico.

Bo Ryan's Wisconsin team lost to Ole Miss in the first round of the NCAA tournament. The loss of a five-seed Badgers team to a 12-seed Rebels team may be linked to certain inaccuracies on Ryan's Wikipedia page.

Example one: Bo Ryan is not a Grinch, or any other fictional character.

Example two: Bo Ryan probably doesn't hate basketball. (Probably)

Bo's love-hate relationship for the game drove him to remain involved with the sport. His love for the game manifested itself by his choosing to become a coach. His hatred is quite apparent by the style of basketball he forces his team (and far too often his opponent) to play. [edit]

Example three: Bo Ryan has not written several of these books.

Ryan has written three books: Bo Ryan: Another Hill to climb - Another Loss to endure, The Swing (and a miss) Offense, and Passing and Catching (but not shooting): the Lost Art. If Bo Ryan owned a restaurant, you would not be able to get drunk as you would be tossed out after the first round.

The last part is especially false, as no one has ever been thrown out of a bar in the state of Wisconsin.

There will be no trial in the Harvey Updyke case. He plead guilty today. 3 year prison. 5 years probation.

— Kevin Ives (@AUPPL) March 22, 2013

Well, I ain't one to stand between the law and those who tread in its path. No one's perfect, and lord knows that includes me, but when it's time to face the music there ain't an earplug in the world that'll drown out that song. Harvey's a lawman, but he ain't above the law, even if he's only guilty of having too much Bama in him, and too much Spike 80DF in his truck. It's hard, but it's fair, Paul.

After pleading guilty, Harvey Updyke is also banned from Auburn. Has already served 104 days of jail sentence & has 76 more.

— Saturday Down South (@SDS) March 22, 2013

Well now that's just the court bein' kind. Ain't no reason anyone should ever be there anyway, so havin' the law make you do what instinct should be tellin' you is just redundant now c'mon ROLL TIDE.

What?

As part of the plea deal, Updyke's probation will require him to abide by a 7 p.m. curfew, and he is forbidden to attend any collegiate athletic event. He is also banned from entering any property owned by Auburn University. Updyke is also ordered not to speak with any member of the media.

THANKS OBAMA

YOU CAN TAKE AWAY THE MAN'S FREEDOM BUT DAMMIT YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY THE MAN'S RIGHT TO WATCH ALABAMA FOOTBALL IN PERSON AND CALL INTO THE PAUL FINEBAUM SHOW AFTERWARDS DAMMIT A MAN NOT EXPOSED TO ALABAMA FOOTBALL IN PERSON FOR OVER A YEAR SUFFERS FROM LOW-T AND THAT'S WHY MIKE DUBOSE EATS ALL THAT ANDROGEL.

AT LEAST HE SAYS IT'S ANDROGEL.

IT MIGHT JUST BE VASELINE SOMEONE'S SELLING HIM WITH AN ANDROGEL LABEL.

THAT PERSON MIGHT BE ME AND FEELING NO REGRET OVER IT AND THE UNTAXABLE MONEY IT'S MAKING ME AND MY FAMILY FOR THE PURPOSES OF WATCHING ALABAMA FOOTBALL

ANYWAY YOU CAN'T TAKE IT AWAY FROM HIM ANY SOONER THAN YOU'D TAKE AWAY THE AIR THE SUN OR HIS CABLE TV. THEY'RE ALL FREE OR AT LEAST THEY ARE AS LONG AS MY NEIGHBOR DOESN'T NOTICE THE WIRES MY HUSBAND SPLIT OFF SEVEN MONTHS AGO. BEST DECISION WE EVER MADE BUT IT WOULDN'T KILL YOU TO GET SOME DAMN HBO. DRAGONS AND TITTIES SHOULD BE FREE, TOO, SO GET TO CALLIN' TIME WARNER BECAUSE POWERFUL MIDGETS ARE KIND OF OUR THING NOW.

(A LANNISTER PAYS HIS DEBTS BUT NOT HIS OWN CABLE BILL OKAY)

SO YOU SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT YOU DAMNED OLD ACTIVIST JUDGE. WE'LL HIDE HIM. WE'LL SMUGGLE HIM INTO GAMES. IT'LL BE LIKE SPARTACUS BUT WITHOUT THE GAYNESS. SOMEONE WILL ASK "WHO'S HARVEY UPDYKE?" AND WE'LL ALL SAY "I AM" EXCEPT FOR HARVEY, WHO'S SO STUPID HE'D PROBABLY SAY "ME! MEEEEE!" WHILE SHOWING AN ID.

FREE AIR. FREE SUN. FREE CABLE AND DRAGONS.

FREE HARVEY.

[sigh]

Roll Tide,

A concerned Alabama fan (who wishes to remain anonymous because "stealing" cable is another thing your "laws" are wrong about, Judge DMX on a Horse)

Don't stop the party, Miami. That's exactly what Pitbull is saying right here. Don't stop that party. #DALEEEEE

Okay, clear a few caveats out of the way. Bearlike strength has only the slightest correlation to success, and the ditches of college football are littered with squat champions and bench press gods incapable of making a tackle or reading the slant of a defensive front. Football is a very complex game played at full speed between large, angry men, and while it helps to be very strong, there are other variables, and who knows whether Baylor signee Andrew Billings has them or not.

What he does have: the ability to, at 18 years of age, squat 805 pounds like he's your granddad getting up off the couch after sitting down for a few hours too many on a Saturday afternoon.

Billings also benched 500 pounds and deadlifted 705 pounds to set a Texas state powerlifting record previously held by Mark Henry. (Yes, that Mark Henry.) In translation: Billings just broke the record of the guy who plausibly once held the title of "World's Strongest Man," and did so at an age where most are just getting their start in competitive anything, much less the brutal art of powerlifting. This is the offseason, and it should serve as a valuable reminder of your own tiny speckness in a universe full of huge, powerful beasts indifferent to your existence.

Appalachian State and Georgia Southern are both bound for the Sun Belt Conference. And on the same day, the Georgia Senate ratified an attempt to move the state line ever so slightly northward to grab more of that sweet Tennessee River water gold. These may seem totally separate to the casual observer, but as a longtime #SUNBEAST observer, we assure you that the two are intricately connected.

You just have to connect the dots, patriots.

ONE:

The SUNBEAST adds Georgia Southern and App State, two programs seemingly poised to make the leap to FBS football, but also located at key points in the SUNBEAST's grand plan. App State forms the third point in a triangle surrounding the Tennessee River's most valuable point, i.e. the contested area where Georgia wants to extend its water rights and thus keep the golf courses of Atlanta green through the worst droughts.

FACT: BIG RED CAN HOLD UP TO 400,000 GALLONS OF WATER AT A TIME!

Georgia Southern secures the halfway point on the pipeline out of Georgia, and to the SUNBEAST's port facilities in South Florida.

FACT: THE SUNBELT HAS HAD DRONE TECHNOLOGY FOR YEARS AND WANTS TO TAKE YOUR GUNS! THAT'S WHY ARKANSAS STATE HAS A TREE STAND! THEY'RE OUT TO HUNT YOU!!!!

TWO:

Having established control via their base in recent joinee GSU to control the GA legislature, they then seize the water by buying off the Georgia Legislature. This can be done for seventy dollars. It happens all the time.

FACT: DID YOU KNOW THE SUNBELT BOUGHT A BILLION ROUNDS OF AMMO LAST WEEK? WHY? WAKE UP, SHEEPLE?*

*For a t-shirt gun, yes. BUT THOSE THINGS CAN KILL IN THE RIGHT HANDS.

With the easiest step in the entire procedure--buying the Georgia legislature--under their belt, the SunBeltinatti can move on to the third step in their plan to assert dominance over those who have wronged them.

THREE

With Atlanta's water taken and sent either directly into the ocean or into the filthy mouths of foreigners, Atlanta shrivels, and the ultimate goal of the Sun Belt's grand expansion plan is revealed: restoring SUNBEAST headquarters, New Orleans, to its former position as the Queen of the South, destroying Atlanta, and sit down, Birmingham, you're being silly no really sit down.

FACT: NO ONE HAS EVER FOUND HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER'S REAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE. PERHAPS BECAUSE HE NEVER NEEDED CERTIFYIN' FROM ANYONE. BUT STILL.

and fistbump

and fistbump

and fistbump

and fistbump

and fistbump

and fistbump

and fistbump

and fistbump

and fistbump

and fistbump

and fistbump

and fistbump

and fistbump

and now you're pregnant.

You're welcome,

KK

ps. [fistbump]

p.p.s FOLLOW CATLAB

THIS DOES NOT LOOK LIKE FUN. The defensive gauntlet drill for LSU involves John Chavis yelling at you while you beat three or sometimes four defenders to a tackling dummy seems like the worst conditioning drill in the world, mostly because it is.

At first we watched and thought, "My, #91 is having the opposite of a good time," but then realized that no, no one has anything resembling a good time when the entire purpose of the drill is to kick your ass, and then repeat that asskicking.

GLORIOUS NEWS. Marcus Lattimore talked with Garnet and Black Attack, and that's cool, but the better news is that his recovery is going splendidly.

HAHAHA LIKE DABO HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS. The Falcons are visiting Clemson not just to learn about the read-option, but also likely to pick up a few things about Chad Morris' high-tempo offense. Dabo Swinney will also be there.

ALSO GLORIOUS NEWS. Maryland doesn't have a copy of its Big Ten contract, nor a copy of its current ACC TV deal. This is allegedly standard practice in university athletics, following the standard operating procedures of..um...major religions, and no one else.

A COURTEOUS REMINDER: Not all tweets are real, not all people on the internet are real, and nothing on the internet is actually real--including this sentence. [space noises]

WHAT WAS IT BEFORE? The Washington State football team attained an all-time high team GPA of 2.66 this spring, beating the previous record of oh god what the hell was the worst one. (Answer: Bill Doba 2007, with cumulative GPA of "banana point eight.")

LAW IS A PRECISE INSTRUMENT AND WAIT NO MAYBE IT ISN'T. This seems worthy of legislation, Arkansas.

ETC: TO HELL WITH EL TRI. We don't understand a second of what is going on in this story about Buzz Bissinger's leather addiction, but we couldn't stop reading it, either.