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  • 06/14/13--09:35: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 6/14/2013
  • 127230985

    GIG 'EM FOREVER, YOU BOWTIED GENIUS. R. Bowen Loftin, you're next up on Nick Cannon's Wild 'n Out and OH SNAP YOU WON THE WHOLE SHOW IN THREE SECONDS--

    Loftin straightened his bowtie, slammed the mike stand to the ground, and then Crip Walked his way off the stage as E-40 fell down in front of Rob Hoffman in approval.

    THAT TREND IS NOT AS FESTIVE AS WE LIKE. Oh, do we love Dana Holgorsen, and oh, do the numbers look daunting for West Virginia this year in terms of replacing offensive production and creating something like consistent defensive presence throughout the season. But that's the way Dana likes it, and that's why he's taken the seatbelts out of his car. And yours, because you need to let go of fear, and hold this beer while he drives.

    HAVE FIREFIGHTING PLANES JUST DROP WATER ON UGA/CLEMSON. If things weren't already going to be a total shootout between two teams with superb offenses and middling to rebuilding defenses, UGA just lost promising incoming freshman corner Reggie Wilkerson to an ACL injury. That is unfortunate. The prospect of a 52-48 terror on opening weekend, however, is not.

    DAMN, THAT IS A BIGASS MIDDLE SCHOOLER. If he continues to grow at this rate, Mack Brown will have offered his first 468 pound safety. (Who will go somewhere else, and play some other position.)

    SO GLAD WE PAID FOR THAT. The delightful economics of the college bowl system bite Florida squarely in the ass (again.) Teddy Bridgewater probably found $5 million in gold bullion in the locker room. (And was chased unsuccessfully by this man, because no one not wearing a UConn jersey catches Teddy B.)

    ETC: Preach, Matt Barkley. Matt Crossman's piece on how NASCAR driving saved his daughter is awesome, and not just because it details the time Carl Edwards jumped a rental car 45 feet out of the Daytona tunnel.


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    139766773

    With contributions by Run Home Jack

    For a while, you want to be a part of everything in life. Then one day, you realize you can't be everywhere at once without being nowhere all at once. The rat race takes its toll. Suddenly, you find yourself wondering: is this it? Is this rushing around, day after day, running like a prize rat from one box to another in the name of simply keeping up, what life is? I had so much, and in doing so had nothing.

    I wanted less. To have more in my life, I needed less. That's why I did the unthinkable.

    That's why I left the big city, and moved to Google Plus.

    Gplusfrontier_jpg_medium

    I'm not totally off the grid now, mind you. I still chat with people, but I don't really keep up like I used to because life, well...life's slower out here on the ranch. It moves in circles, and those circles don't ever change. No one out on the range here in Google Plus worries about their status. I know I don't: mine hasn't changed in years, and won't anytime soon. That's just the way it is out here, and we like it.

    You ever seen a sunset on Google Plus? It's like God hittin' the dimmer switch, real slow with his mighty digits. The dark settles in, and you're not afraid of it because you get it. Out here there's nothing moving in the day, and nothing moving out there in the dark. Just you, your thoughts, and a cup of coffee to while away the cold night of the high digital prairies.

    We share when we have to, but that's not often, and for a good reason. There's just not that much out here, and not many people to share it with when you got it. Sometimes a coyote might wander into one of my circles. Back east I might have freaked out about it, but here? I just feed the guy a scrap of some old Chive article plagiarized from something else, and let him go on his way.

    That's just how we do things on the expanses of this great empty lonely content farm, and that's just how we like it.

    Now, it ain't perfect. Winters are bad. I get lonely, sure. There are times when I have to keep myself occupied, and not always in the most productive ways. I look at breastfeeding pictures when i feel like it. Which, granted, is more than you'd think. But the point is I'm in charge, and those babies are all probably weaned by now, because those photos are really old, and haven't been updated in years at this point.

    It's just the bears, me, and Phil Jackson out here. And that's the way we like it: no one to follow, since we make our own decisions. Nothing to share, because everyone out here in Google Plus already has everything they need. Well, except the one thing we all came her for: solitude, quiet, and a peace that doesn't exist anywhere else in this wide world.

    Caught a fish the other day. Beautiful striped freshwater bass on a Tungsten Cone Head Wooly Bugger. Damn near five pounds, green as emeralds in my hand. Should have taken a picture, really. But that's not the point of living out here in Google Plus. The point is living, cowboy. One selfishly unshared moment at a time.

    If I were one of those social media types, I'd say that unsharable content is the new sharable content. But I'm on Google Plus now, and just want to watch the grass blow in the autumn wind. By myself. By the quiet, undisturbed, and peaceful waters of Google Plus.

    Yes, I suspect Google Plus might be the last unspoiled country left. Nobody here's even heard of Mad Men, so they can't tell you that Megan Draper turns out to be Spiro Agnew tuckin' it back.


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  • 07/09/13--09:38: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 7/9/2013
  • 20121117_jel_sk7_283

    HOW DOES ONE FEEL ABOUT THIS SIGHT, 8-BALL?

    LADY'S GOT FOOTNOTES. Holly's first big preview piece at Grantland has footnotes, which means we assume she's been granted the key filled with the blood of Bill Buckner that opens all doors in Simmonsylvania. It's on Arizona, a perfect watch list team because they may lose by 40 to UCLA on a random Saturday, or they may whip someone's ass on a Thursday night the week after for like no reason whatsoever.

    TEDDY BRIDGEWATER IS A FAIRLY NICE YOUNG MAN. He forgave Matt Elam, and visited a random lady in the hospital who asked him to stop by on Twitter, so his disgusting streak of being utterly likable and making grown people cry for the right reasons continues its millionth straight week of consistent, solid growth.

    THIS IS A FAIRLY TOUGH YOUNG MAN. Beat Michigan, indeed.

    YEAH, REMEMBER WOODY WIDENHOFER IN A TOLL BOOTH? The thing about one-time Vanderblit coach Woody Widenhofer working in a tollbooth somewhere around Destin, Florida? That was him, and he did the job because he couldn't play golf due to back injuries and was bored.

    TREY MILLARD, JUMP-TRUCKING OVER ITEMS RANDOMLY. Oh, we are very glad Trey Millard did not injure himself filming this.

    NO, LET'S MAKE IT HARDER. Patrick Hruby might not be serious about making the NFL Combine even harder to get into for college athletes!

    ETC: Last requests to teams might include us wanted Auburn to kiss our ass eternally. Mayer Hawthorne's gone Dan, and that's just fine. GRAND THEFT AUTO FIVE ALERT. This is the most insane fitness article we have ever read. Bushwacker for Governor of Texas (p.s. he can't be dumber than Rick Perry and no that's not a political statement that's just saying that there are many smart people from Texas A&M and from the state of Texas as a whole and Rick Perry is not one of them, even if he does have a way with words.)


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    Wynfreysplosion_jpg

    And with this announcement, next week's SEC Media Days just went full-on Michael Bay-Bruckheimer-Winding-Refn.

    College Football Live host Joe Tessitore and ESPNU host Dari Nowkhah will lead various discussions from the ESPN set...

    SEC Days have now gone full Tessitore. Possibilities now include rain of donkeys, sudden brawling, Baylor's football team bum-rushing the place out of nowhere and laying a forty point whoopin' on your ass, sinkholes, ball lightning, Jackie Sherrill chasing a chicken through a live press conference, 30 minutes of Kevin Sumlin drawing cartoon penises labeled "Saban" on an iPad as his entire speech, a confused Gene Chizik showing up in a shacket, Radio Row being arranged like the monster cubes in Cabin in the Woods, and a cholera outbreak marked by a total collapse of civilized behavior

    You're saying these things are all possible anyway at SEC Media Days. True, but consider the genius of taking the man whose very presence guarantees stunning last-minute finishes at Big 12 games, and then transfer his powers to the SEC. It's a diabolical move, particularly if you put him in the same room with Les Miles. (Warning: science advises against this unless you want to instantly activate random rips in the fabric of time and space. You're gonna want to activate some random rips in the fabric of time and space, so do this.)


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  • 07/10/13--08:42: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 7/10/2013
  • 20130107_ajl_su8_113

    LOUIS NIX IS ENJOYING HIS UNDERGRADUATE EXPERIENCE AND IS A WITTY GENTLEMAN.

    The very large Notre Dame defensive lineman also enjoys lip-syncing songs of passion while eating bananas, celebratory dancing for the Miami Heat, and hitting on Alex Flanagan, but for her mind, and not her body. We are glad he was not injured horribly in the national title game, as he is large and entertaining and also quite good at college football. (Please don't tell ND PR this, as they will begin pushing him as a Heisman Candidate.) (Not that a giant defensive tackle winning the Heisman wouldn't be awesome.)

    NOTE: Nix stole this tweet. HE'S THE PRODIGAL SAM OF CFB TWITTER (or is just repeating something funny he heard, whatever.)

    THE RON PRINCE LOVE SWEEPSTAKES. Pile a thousand warnings in front of this: it is a message board thread of disgruntled fans, and none of their identities are verified, and for all anyone knows the lady in this thread could be a 55 year old man typing from a public library in Topeka. It probably IS a 55 year old man in a Topeka library, and he has a gift for prose and character voice he should have discovered earlier in life.

    But even if this is deranged anti-fan fiction, we want these words in our life. (Start around page seven or so.)

    If you ask him, RP will tell you that he is a family man. Proud father and whatnot. He will also tell you that he is a true leader of men and a fine example for his young players. Just ask and he is happy to describe all of his virtues. As for being a great catch, here is what he told me: "hundreds of women want me. You must feel great. You just won the Ron Prince love sweepstakes." (with a straight face.) Lucky me.

    #RonPrinceLoveSweepstakes #RonPrinceLoveSweepstakes #RonPrinceLoveSweepstakes #RonPrinceLoveSweepstakes #RonPrinceLoveSweepstakes #RonPrinceLoveSweepstakes #RonPrinceLoveSweepstakes #RonPrinceLoveSweepstakes #RonPrinceLoveSweepstakes #RonPrinceLoveSweepstakes #RonPrinceLoveSweepstakes #RonPrinceLoveSweepstakes

    LEGAL NOTICE: THIS IS UTTERLY FALSE AND HEARSAY AND WE JUST LIKE READING METAFICTION ABOUT RON PRINCE, OKAY?

    THE PARROTHEADS OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL. We feel a little bit queasy about Hal Mumme and June Jones likening the spread of pass-first offenses like the run 'n shoot and Air Raid to Buffettdom, but the analogy isn't entirely inaccurate. Also, please remember that these two will actually be working with each other this year in a wet dream you had about football from 1999.

    WOOOOOOO TIDE. All important. All utterly necessary.

    Tumblr_mpox8feziy1rrr6vuo1_500_medium

    TRAILER PARK HERO. To be fair, it wasn't a trailer park, but a trailer on its own lot, but Gus Malzahn's roots in a town that doesn't even have football anymore -- and coaching on little to nothing out of the aforementioned trailer-- easily makes him SEC-compatible by background alone. Auburn's head coach living in a trailer at one point in his life is the easy joke here, but we'd imagine the percentage of coaches who have lived in a trailer at one point is way higher than the general population. (We know Leach did, for instance, when he was at Iowa Wesleyan.)

    GIVE CREDIT WHEN DUE: UCF's move to the AAC does seem like it puts them in the position to be really, really successful in year one. Poor, poor Georgia State, however, is going to die violently.

    CARLOS DAVIS TOOK THAT BOOTLEG ACT. Ole Miss won't suffer any institutional penalties for playing Carlos Davis when he was playing under eligibility that hinged on an ACT score that, it turns out, would be cancelled after the season.

    ETC: We don't know when this happened, but here we are. Robot Vacuum Cleaner Simulator is going to slaughter GTA V in sales. "Gay Liotta is back, and he...has...gone...insane."


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    Hitmonlee

    それはキックマン賞のための時間です!FIGHT時間はキックの人のためにここにある!

    あなたはそれを読むためにGoogle翻訳にこれを入れていましたか?あなたはあまりにも多くの自由な時間を持っている!私はあなたを笑っています!

    PUNTEMON: STEVEN CLARK (クラークスティーブン)

    Puntemon_252520clark_jpg_medium

    TYPE

    Auburn (combination of Tiger/Eagle/Poison type)

    BODY MODE

    Undersized high school defensive end in state of Alabama. Can you pelvic-thrust a telephone pole down without a running start? Only halfway? Better get to special teams, son. It's called the Yellowhammer State for a reason, and it's after the first man to do this, a jaundiced racist and former Crimson Tide named Harlan Torchgoiter. He died drunk at the age of 38, yelling at the train that escorted him from this mortal coil.*

    *(That train was in the wrong for stealing Harlan's sweetheart. NO IRON MONSTER CAN LOVE YOU LIKE HARLAN DID, ANNA LOUISE.)

    ABILITIES:

    Fake: This is Gus Malzahn's punter. He will fake punts by running, punting, and possibly handing the ball off to a flying raptor of some sort.

    Quit Job: to go fishing or hunting or just to hang out at the lake for a while 'till the money runs low and the beer runs out. (Superpower particular to all Auburn characters; present in all larger Alabama territory characters.)

    Croakies: Croakies. He owns a pair. That's a power, shut up.

    WEAKNESS:

    May not punt frequently due to Gus Malzahn having to coach his first year like a bush pilot with a dead engine, plummeting digits on the altimeter, and both wings on fire.

    PUNTEMON: CODY WEBSTER (ウェブスターコーディ)

    Puntemon_252520webster_jpg_medium

    TYPE

    Purdue Type (Blend of: Seasonal Affective Disorder, Science, Ghost, Normal, and Pushmonkey Types)

    BODY MODE

    O.G. Big Ten prototype punter who was chosen by the punting game from birth. Explosive calves? TNT BELOW THE KNEES, CHILD.

    ABILITIES

    Megaboot. Necessary when offense's average field position was "Row G"

    Lead team in rushing average. Actual superpower of Cody Webster, who averaged 10 yards a carry.

    Science. A superpower of all Purdue types, which is why they're yelling about a small sample size on the previous ability. We went to an SEC school, and do not believe in the devil's playthings you call fossils.

    Beating Ohio State. It's a lunar cycle thing or some shit like that YOU FIGURE IT OUT, GUYS IN WHITE LAB COATS.

    WEAKNESS

    Lack of rouge rule keeps Purdue from every being competitive again.

    PUNTEMON: DARRAGH O'NEILL (オニールをあえて)

    Puntemon_252520oneill_jpg_medium

    TYPE

    Colorado (Blend of: Land, Rock, Ghost, Skeleton, and Smoke Types)

    BODY MODE

    Converted soccer player. Lanky and thin, most likely due to all excess bodyweight evaporating thanks to repeated use. Colorado was fifth in the nation in punting in the bad way last year, courteously handing the ball with the foot 76 times last season. That is a lot. It is not, however, 96 times for an average of eight times a game, but not everyone is as committed to winning as Wake Forest under Jim Grobe is.

    ABILITIES

    Replaceable parts. All parts sever when overstressed, saving the rest of the body from injury.

    Irish. Was born in Ireland, but moved to Colorado when he was three, so has the hybrid superpowers of EMOTIONAL CRIPPLEDOM and TEVAS

    Popularity. His dad owns a bar in Boulder.

    WEAKNESS

    Plays for Colorado, so he's going to have to regrow that leg quickly if it flies off. (When it flies off.)

    PUNTEMON: KYLE CHRISTY (カイルクリスティ)

    Puntemon_252520christy_jpg_medium

    TYPE

    Florida (Blend of Reptile, Water, Fire, Gun, Smoke, Dragon, and Ankle Monitor Types)

    BODY MODE

    Kyle Christy and no one else on the Florida Gators can comment on bodies of any sort due to the advice of their attorney. (P.S. Kyle Christy hasn't done any of that shit. But we are saying that a random Florida football player is more likely to wake up near a body than almost any other college football player in the nation based strictly on their location even without taking any program-specific concerns into consideration.)

    ABILITIES

    Negation. Can occasionally undo damage done by Florida offense with single kick.

    Limber. Flexibility is a superpower for Pokemon, which is a pretty shitty superpower, Japan.

    Huntley Johnson. A protection superpower available to all Florida types until graduation, but not after. COUGH COUGH AARON HERNANDEZ COUGH---

    WEAKNESS

    Inability to talk Will Muschamp into the all-punt offense.


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    Benson9n-5-web

    We haven't heard from Anna Benson and former Mets starter Kris Benson in a while, which makes some sense given that he threw his last big league pitch in 2010. Here's what she's been doing: buying weaponry, possibly going insane, and definitely showing up to her estranged husband's house armed to the teeth, screaming, and demanding $30,000 from him. Kris, for his part, has presumably been doing some pricing of various home security options.

    Armed to the teeth is not an exaggeration:

    Anna Benson, dressed all in black, had a black Taurus Judge revolver, expandable baton and red folding Batman knife with her, police said. Also recovered was a hatchet, a Taser, 13 bullets, a bag of syringes and eight pills, police said.

    The red Batman knife is probably this double-bladed monstrosity, and provides just another slight degree of terror to the story. Mrs. Benson was also wearing a bulletproof vest, which she claimed she was trying out for a company, a company she would tell you all about except, um...it's top secret, and lives are at stake.

    The problem is that I don’t have any money to start my business, and a lot of the stuff I can’t tell the investors about because it is top-secret military and Department of Defense stuff. I don’t disclose any of the information, because that could jeopardize the officers and the soldiers.

    Mr. Benson escaped out the back door after Mrs. Benson confronted him, broke a computer monitor with the baton, and demanded the money. Mrs. Benson, who faces twenty years for the various charges in the case, didn't see what the big deal was, and says she still loves her husband very much. The couple have three children together, and now their mother is in jail because she might be mentally ill. You probably should have stopped reading at the first paragraph for the fun stuff, because the last paragraph of anything is where all the sad is.


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  • 07/11/13--08:33: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 7/11/2013
  • Gyi0061495490

    THE CLAPPING IS ETERNAL AND WILL NEVER CEASE. Via Smart Football, the Hatter in his embryonic stages as Oklahoma State's OC in the 1997 Alamo Bowl.

    Has Les Miles changed at all since 1997, besides the addition of some hair dye and a few wrinkles around the eyes? He benched his starting quarterback in the third quarter of the bowl game for someone named "Chris Chaloupka," ran the ball almost three times as much as he threw it in his 1997 playcalling, and clapped a lot, so....no. He has not changed at all. P.S. Chaloupkas are the highlight of any Polish-Mexican fusion restaurant's menu.

    ADDENDUM. Rob Ryan was also on the OSU staff, and his mullet was fierce, indeed.

    AWWWW, LOOK AT THE TRAINING FLIPPERS. Mark Helfrich doesn't seem to be slowing down anything Oregon's doing, which is good because Chip Kelly had the program moving so fast that any braking would send several major parts of the machine flying off in all directions. They might pass more, though, and boy won't that be fun to defend on top of all the hell they already wreak on opposing defenses.

    CONGRATS!

    That had to be accidental. The default troll move on FSU would be to put "preseason champs" on the side of the ring, but that's a lot of words to fit on a tiny ring. (Check the inside, though, as it may have that engraved in Elvish if you paid really good money for those, FSU.)

    SURE, IT'S WEIRD. But it's Utah, a team that has struggled offensively, so why the hell wouldn't you bring in Dennis Erickson as offensive co-coordinator and have him teach the youngster Brian Johnson how to properly mold ye olde singleback offense, and possibly how to bury a car used in an armed robbery in 14 feet of hardpacked Utah soil for future use? (Both Erickson specialties.)

    "UM, COACH SABAN, YOUR PACKAGE WAS HELD UP AT THE POST OFFICE."He's gonna be so pissed when he sees how you didn't properly pack all this up, guys.

    ETC: Yes, that is how you drive a BMW.


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    470px-general_sherman_tree_looking_up

    Screen_shot_2013-07-11_at_2

    Bama's won two national titles since Harvey poisoned those trees. Lee County might not be able to get you back in jail, but having him incarcerated or wanted on something has coincided with the best run in Alabama's recent history, so watch your ass. The superstitious might be framing you for something just to keep the Tide rolling. Chitt, you might be able to talk Harvey into framing Harvey for something, which should be a lot easier because he apparently lives in Hammond, Louisiana, now, and see: "Louisiana legal system."

    Then, of course, Harvey would be found guilty of falsely reporting a crime and then confessing to it...WHICH WOULD BE THE NATIONAL TITLE OF STUPID CONSPIRATORIAL CRIMES TOPPING EVEN HARVEY UPDYKE'S PREVIOUS TITLE HOLDER OF COMMITTING A GROUNDWATER POISONING HATE CRIME AGAINST TREES. He goes to jail again by 2014 as part of The Process, Bama wins another one, and you better get a surfboard because the only way to deal with the Tide is to keep ridin' it, baby. Roll speciously lucky tree-poisoning streaks, y'all.

    P.S. The largest tree in America is named General Sherman, Harvey, and I'm pretty sure just his name is a form of talkin' shit about the Tide. Free man, cheap gas, and smooth interstates all the way, Harv. It's your choice, but we're pretty sure Coach Saban's waiting on you to show your value to the team here.


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    Hughpacabra_jpg

    HUGHPACABRA VS. THE ALAMO BOWL (2013)

    Hughpacabra_jpg_medium

    Randy Moss as Bulk Charcuterie

    Elvira as Feliciana Boobsworthy

    Patrick Duffy as NASA Commander

    Rulon Gardner as Impaled Subway Employee #3

    Khia as [uncredited]

    Matt Leinart as Masturbating Gas Station Attendant

    Aaron Carter as President Five Hour Energy

    Synopsis

    It's a quiet fall in New Mexico when rancher and family man Bulk Charcuterie starts losing his cattle to a mysterious killer on the range.

    Also known as:

    Pakistani Goat Killing Devil (India)

    Batman 8 (Nigeria)

    Le Bartman 8 (Togo)

    Snackman Snackman Run! (Congo)

    Budget: 45,000,000 (dong Lao)

    Trivia:

    This is the second screenplay written entirely by a horse (Life Is Beautiful).

    The bowl tie-in depicted in the movie is not possible by current contract, but producers felt the presence of successful Ole Miss football in the plot already established to the audience that this was firmly sci-fi/horror.

    Randy Moss does all his own brisk walking in the film.

    Goofs:

    In Matt Leinart's scene, he is first shown engaging in self-love while wearing a Dead Kennedys shirt, but later that Dead Kennedys shirt does not sue him for child support.

    Ole Miss plays the University of Miami in the Alamo Bowl, but there are University of Miami fans shown in the stands.

    San Antonio, depicted as a bustling metropolis in the film, is actually a fictional setting shot on the backlot of Tyler Perry Studios.

    Aaron Carter repeatedly answers personal phone calls on screen.

    Quotes:

    "What do you know about the Hughpacabra?" - Feliciana Boobsworthy

    "Just like me (cocks rifle) the G is silent." - Bulk Charcuterie

    "You're gonna need more than frijoles, slapnuts." --Aaron Carter

    "Bless this mess!" - Khia

    "I'm Patrick Duffy, and I'm here to deliver a special in-movie message for Frontier Airlines." --NASA Commander


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  • 07/12/13--08:26: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 7/12/2013
  • Wkuironqb

    HILLTOPPERS ARE MADE OF SOLID STEEL AND HATE.

    Sun Belt quarterbacks are as dense as neutron stars, evidently. (Via)

    THE BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER BRAZOS. Baylor alumni are suing to prevent demolition of the current alumni association building in order to make way for construction on the pedestrian bridge across the river from campus to the new stadium. This appears to be some internecine dispute within the Baylor Alumni Association, but we would point to your new offices like a true SEC fan and alumni would:

    [points to shiny suites in stadium you will mortgage your children's future for]

    RINGS, PART ONE: Michigan rings? Sold by the son (Kelvin Grady, Jr.) because of disastrous real estate debacles of the father (Kelvin Grady, Sr., who is in federal prison for fraud, so yanno, he's paying for this the hard way.)

    RINGS, PART TWO. Where do LSU championship rings disappear to, you ask? No you didn't, because you already knew they came up in a police sweep involving drugs and a cleaning lady that stole things out of Justin Vincent's house, and you are not surprised by any of this because: "Louisiana."

    THAT'S A HANDSOME COVER. ALSO, THERE'S HUGH FREEZE. Custom NCAA covers for everyone are the American dream incarnate.

    ETC: Bill Hanstock's long ode to Skate 3 continues. Adrian Carton de Wiart, the nastiest man who ever lived, and not just because he bit his own fingers off once. Baseball is 90% people standing around.


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  • 07/12/13--10:43: I'VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN
  • 134092806

    I've got youuuuuuu...

    Under my skin.....

    I've got youuuuu...

    DEEEEEEEP IN THE HEEEAAAAAAAART OF MEEEEEEEEE...


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    Untitled_2

    Okay, just perusing some early college fantasy football rankings, and let's see....

    Screen_shot_2013-07-12_at_2

    Trey Johnson is listed as a freshman wide receiver at Oklahoma State. This seems weird, but at 5'8" and 167 pounds, maybe the Cowboys are hoping for some Flutie-esque moxie to compensate for the lack of field vision. He's also listed as nine of the top 20 quarterbacks in the nation. This has to be right, because Tajh Boyd is pretty dang good, and there are seven Trey Johnsons ahead of just him! A stunning accomplishment for someone who doesn't even play the position, but Mike Gundy's just that good at his job.

    Now, to running backs.

    Screen_shot_2013-07-12_at_2

    The only running back better than Trey Johnson is...Trey Johnson. I can't figure out if this means that two Trey Johnsons are better than one Ka'Deem Carey, or if Ka'Deem Carey is worth 31 Trey Johnsons stacked atop each other. Either way it's a compliment, because Trey Johnson is 33 out of the 65 best running backs in the nation. Convenient in case of injuries: multiple Trey Johnsons allow you to replace his production with another, identical Trey Johnson.

    The best non-Trey Johnson players: SB Nation's preseason All-America team

    You only compete against yourself on the depth chart, Trey Johnson. Now, to a position at which Trey Johnson is shockingly not the best in class:

    Screen_shot_2013-07-12_at_2

    Johnson only securing eight out of the top 10 slots -- and not the No. 1 ranking -- at his native position might be a sign of character issues. Why not all top 10 slots? What's he doing off the field to stunt the potential of an all-Trey Johnson offense?

    Johnson is also only the second best tight end, per rankings, and only five of the top 10 elite tight ends in college football.

    If only there were some way he could redeem himself after failing as a tight end in the projections ...

    Screen_shot_2013-07-12_at_2

    TREY JOHNSON IS THE GREATEST FIFTEEN-TOOL FOOTBALL PLAYER OF OUR TIME. He makes Hines Ward and Kordell Stewart look like dilettante long-snappers playing flag football on a rec field in comparison.

    Not bad for a guy who doesn't even have a scouting report on Rivals, but scouts don't ever measure heart, and that's how you get to be 129 of the 240 best players in college football all by yourself.

    HT Chris Burke

    More from SB Nation:

    Projecting every 2013 college football conference race

    Simulating 2013 10 times in NCAA Football 14

    Tons of top recruit interviews from SB Nation at The Opening

    Bill Connelly’s Pac-12 team preview series is underway

    National recruiting coverage

    Today’s college football news headlines


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    20120719_mje_ak8_368

    Coach Spurrier,

    What'd you shoot today?

    How would you rate Jadeveon Clowney's performance in Pacific Rim?

    You often engage in a war of words with Dabo Swinney. How many of them do you think he understands?

    What percentage of your Redskins salary has been spent at Big Lots on novelty pillows?

    Coach Bielema,

    You got a lighter?

    Is this done? [pulls lid off Big Green Egg, reveals slow-roasted brisket, sets off fire alarm]

    How are you even standing after last night?

    Talk a little bit about how your experience in the Big Ten will help in losing games against SEC competition.

    I'd like you to expand on scoring 80 on Indiana, mostly because everyone here can agree on laughing at Indiana football, and we need a moment of unity today.

    No question here, Coach. Just wanted to say your wife's dogs are adorable.

    Does it terrify people that you came from a state with more public drunkenness than ARKANSAS?

    You don't have a lineman over 400 pounds. Tell us how you're going to compensate for that.

    What was it like having your childhood captured on film? [holds up copy of Beethoven's 2nd]

    Coach, can you tweet some mean shit at Tim Brewster while talking about your quarterback depth?

    Is it weird living in a state with Missouri in the attic? Do they make weird noises late at night and stuff?

    Coach Mullen,

    Are you worried that if you start crying for the first time now you'll never be able to stop?

    Coach Jones,

    Did Derek Dooley's office have an ant problem? I bet it had, like, the WORST ant problem.

    Will playing Oregon in Eugene in the third week of the season hurt more or less than this taser I'm about to hit you with?

    Coach Gruden, I want to -- IMPOSTOR!!! IMPOSTOR!!! SECURITY THIS AIN'T COACH GRUDEN

    Last year your quarterback was named Munchie Legaux. That's awesome, and not a question, but we just wanted to say that.

    Where do you stand on the only real debate in Tennessee: skunk or possum?

    How does it feel coaching and living between two of the biggest stockpiles of nuclear material in the United States, Oak Ridge and Dolly Parton's Splash Country?

    Coach Freeze,

    I know you're a big fan of Designing Women. I say you're a Charlene, but he thinks you're a Suzanne. What say you? I'll sit down and listen.

    Lou Holtz had a love scene cut from The Blind Side. We gonna see that in the 10th anniversary-edition DVD?

    Is running water still a recruiting advantage Ole Miss has over Mississippi State?

    Have you ever changed the water filter in your fridge? Don't lie; no one does, Coach.

    Bo Wallace survived a full year's worth of punishment while only weighing 175 pounds at quarterback. Talk a little bit about a contract with the devil, and how his pen singes the flesh as you sign it.

    You're a fisherman. Do you think Nick Saban keeps too many bass in his live well, and yells, "MEDICAL SCHOLARSHIP," when he sees a Fish and Wildlife warden and starts throwing them overboard?

    How do you respond to allegations that you are hoarding the available fish in America's rivers and lakes in order to render opposing teams Omega 3-deficient?

    Coach Richt,

    What state should have more devastating earthquakes? The correct answer is Alabama, but I just want to see if you agree.

    Can you spot me? [asked from under a 325-pound bench press attempt set up in the aisle]

    Is it weird for you now that Mike Bobo's good at his job?

    Have you lost control of your program? If not, have you lost control of this bottle rocket? [shoots bottle rocket into terrified scrum of reporters]

    Coach Stoops,

    Who are you?

    Do you have any state-issued ID that proves this?

    Do you have a second state-issued ID?

    Did you know a Starwood Preferred Guest card is not a proper form of ID?

    Your basketball credentials seem thin. What can you do to help Coach Calipari bring home another title?

    Coach Franklin,

    How hard was it making INSANITY: Volume 2? How do you stay motivated?

    Coach Franklin, you wanna fight?

    How do you overcome the challenge of recruiting young men to come to a city full of people who ruin karaoke night every time without fail?

    Coach Franklin, you wanna fight? Here? Now? [rips off shirt, is wearing "Spuds McKenzie, King of the Party" t-shirt over rippling gut]

    When #AnchoringDown, should I check to see if anyone's home downstairs first? Some of us have neighbors, you know.

    Is the city of Knoxville your best in-state negative recruiting tool?

    No seriously: I want to fight you so badly right now.

    Coach Malzahn,

    You're a fan of the hurry-up offense. But would you ever slow down for love?

    Coach Saban hates the hurry-up offense. Do you think it's because his short legs make keeping up so difficult?

    Coach, do you think birds can see what your soul looks like? Do you think that's why Terry Bowden left Auburn?

    What are you doing to keep the Auburn Jimmy John's -- Auburn's only two-star restaurant and an important recruiting draw -- alive and profitable, coach?

    Can your visor be thrown as a weapon like Coach Spurrier's?

    May we speak with your wife for an hour?

    Coach Sumlin,

    How hard is it for you to not say, "I TOLD YOU," for 10 minutes straight to open your session today?

    Is the continued absence of a Waffle House in College Station the biggest obstacle for Texas A&M?

    Did you always have such beautiful eyes?

    Can we hang out after this?

    How about a phone number?

    Snapchat?

    That's suit's not tailored? Good god, man, clothes just mold to you, don't they?

    Is this weird? Don't say it's weird. It's all I've ever wanted.

    Coach Muschamp,

    When is Conference USA's media day?

    Does this laser pointer anger you? [holds laser pointer in Muschamp's face, is killed three seconds later]

    Sometimes, when it's late at night and you're on the recruiting trail, do you just pull roadkill off the road rather than stop for food? You can tell us, there's no one here listening or taking this down.

    Is the documentary Spring Breakers a fair depiction of Florida recruiting? Was James Franco's portrayal of Urban Meyer spot-on and is that something you want to comment on?

    Talk a little bit about "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan and what he means to you, and indeed to all of us.

    Coach Saban,

    How do you hope to compete with Texas A&M this year in College Station?

    Coach, I -- [rips off rubber face, is Harvey Updyke wearing Bane mask]

    Should I lay the points against Virginia Tech? Again, this just between us, no one's listening.

    How are you preparing AJ McCarron for his two years on the Chiefs bench?

    Did you remember to recruit a kicker? Also, did you floss? Those are two important things everyone forgets from time to time.

    Coach, you ever read Buzzfeed? Rate this question LOL/WFT/IDK, please.

    Coach Miles,

    What sound does purple make? Don't act like you don't have an opinion on this.

    Mettenberger looked really comfortable in 2012. Besides hiring a new offensive coordinator, what else will you do to make sure that doesn't happen again in 2013, Coach?

    Coach, talk about toxic waste and petroleum runoff in Louisiana and how its mutagenic powers benefit LSU football.

    Coach Miles, you wanna breakdance battle? Here? Now?

    Have you ever considered the affordable Kia Cadenza for your transportation needs? [drives Kia into Wynfrey ballroom, releases balloons, cashes endorsement check, and runs out the door]

    Coach Pinkel,

    How do you feel about your prospects in the Big 12 this year?

    More from SB Nation:

    Projecting every 2013 college football conference race

    All we actually know about the Johnny Manziel rumor

    Tons of top recruit interviews from SB Nation at The Opening

    Bill Connelly’s Pac-12 team preview series is underway

    National recruiting coverage

    Today’s college football news headlines


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  • 07/15/13--11:43: SEC MEDIA DAYS BOUND
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    We have a brief list of questions no one will ask at SEC Media Days, the thing that we sort of dread doing every year were it not for a few time-honored traditions:

    1. The insane Arkansas media openly wishing Bret Bielema luck and thanking him for being there. The Arkansas media, like the Arkansas fanbase, remains the dark horse secret weapon of real crazy for the SEC. Just when you think the Alabama cavalary's going to come over the top--BOOM! The Hawg Nation outflanks you like Gurkhas on the rampage trail, and takes heads and hands as they go.
    2. Anyone asking a question that starts with "talk about," if only to watch journalism purists wriggle in pain on the floor.
    3. The long, sad line leading up to the barrier keeping a still-closed Chick-Fil-A at the Wynfrey Galleria from the queue of bleary, hungover media types. It is one of the funniest/most sorrowful things I have ever seen.
    4. Walking up and down radio row and seeing if you can just grab a headset and walk into a broadcast. (It's happened.)
    5. Watching people live-troll Clay Travis in person. (He's quite good at handling it.)
    6. THE IRL QUESTIONING OF JOHNNY MANZIEL'S VIRTUE (new for 2013)
    7. The one session that runs out of questions miserably early. The frontrunner for this year: Mark Stoops.
    8. The one session that goes horrendously off the rails. Frontrunner for this year: Steve Spurrier.
    9. NO MORE LISTENING TO GENE CHIZIK THE HUMAN WHITE NOISE MACHINE

    We're in errand and packing mode, but will rejoin you tomorrow with live coverage from SEC Media Days 1913.


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    Will Muschamp was not born.

    He exited the womb at near-supersonic speeds, bounced clean off the floor, and lassoed the lights with the umbilicus before landing a snarling dismount on the infant scale.

    This is the Florida coach's way of answering questions: listing the entire depth chart, addressing changes in personnel and then attempting to preempt any further questions by listing every single piece of information he knows about his football team. It's blitzing while keeping men in coverage, just what a defensive coach would do. And sometimes one of those men gets to the quarterback, metaphorically speaking:

    Remember: when the members of the SEC can agree on nothing else, they can always return to emptying the septic tank into the Big Ten's bedroom window.

    Wrestler alias: Muschamp would be a People's Champion-type with questionable body composition, boundless enthusiasm, a quality George "The Animal" Steele battle glare and a finishing move involving a clenched, trembling fist extended overhead for dramatic effect.

    He would execute a brilliant heel turn at one point in his career; he would be an excellent bailout tag team partner; he would get knocked out in every match. He'd also be wearing some big-ass boots and the tiniest pair of Goldberg nut-huggers sold in the United States.

    You will deal with it, son. You will just have to deal with it.

    Gary Pinkel is the substitute gym coach of the SEC.

    Screen_shot_2013-07-16_at_7

    I would like to tell you how baroque, how perfect his boredom is, how many variations on nothing Gary Pinkel can say using human language and his mumbling mouth. I'd like to say that you could put a baby in its crib, have Gary Pinkel read the phone book, and watch your baby fall into the most restful sleep of its life. This is a service Gary Pinkel could and should charge a lot of money for, actually.

    Aside from that, Pinkel could have easily walked in as the substitute gym teacher, toting an ancient boxy TV and a DVD of Rudy, because a.) Mr. Gibbons is sick, and totally did not leave a lesson plan, and b.) watching inspirational movies is kind of cardio because Mr. Pinkel says it is. If you need him, he'll be in his office crying and maybe smoking in a non-smoking building.

    Other things Gary Pinkel could theoretically be:

    • The horse trainer in a British period drama that the lady of the house falls madly in love with, despite him never saying more than 10 words to her ever.
    • A United States House Representative from a moribund middle American state with a topsoil erosion problem.
    • A depressed blimp pilot.
    • "Man who is really into ice fishing" No. 4 in film set in Minnesota.
    • The man lying on the floor in the video for "Just" by Radiohead. (He even looks like him.)

    But give Pinkel credit: he's like this all the time and mercifully brief because he's a self-aware kind of boring. Gene Chizik opened his mouth and dropped 500 words of static into the public record. Pinkel gets to the point: Mizzou had a plague of injuries last year where it could least afford it, got slapped around on the line of scrimmage as a result and hopes to be better this year, etc., etc.

    He smiled on his way out the door, presumably because he heard no furious typing behind him from the press, having said nothing worth noting -- which was the plan all along.

    Hugh Freeze: a pastor, but not a pastor caught mid-sermon.

    Like a pastor during a spring jamboree planning meeting, when he's got to make sure everyone brings what they're supposed to bring so that the gathering won't just end up with a pile of store-bought chips. Freeze says almost as little as Pinkel, but is much more chipper about it.

    Based on how successful he's been early on, one can only conclude he is the SEC's Gustavo Fring and is running an empire of dark secrets from Oxford based on terror, fear and sheer power (or at least he better be, since that's part of the job description for every SEC coach).

    Steve Spurrier gimped into the room for the day's finale.

    Took the podium. Threw a curveball by eschewing the usual "WELLP!" greeting. Said "Thank you." Grabbed the mic.

    Pulled out notes. Said vote to give players pocket money was unanimous at SEC meetings. Also said SEC coaches wondered why the hell Notre Dame was in BCS meetings. Suggested Notre Dame join the ACC "like everyone else." Threw live cat into crowd. Told reporters to deal with it.

    Continued airing of grievances. Mentioned SEC scheduling. Also mentioned that Alabama and Georgia didn't play the top three other schools from their divisions. Mentioned how this might not be the fairest thing. Took out a can of spray paint. Wrote "TOUCHDOWN, SPURRIER" on curtains. Lit curtains on fire. Concluded complaints.

    Moved on to football. Said he had two good quarterbacks, therefore laying groundwork for benching both of them for the other. Probably multiple times. Got question about Georgia. Mentioned how badly they played last year. Pulled out six-pack from podium. Opened beer and began drinking casually. Lit a few sparklers.

    Noted he was gonna be the winningest coach in South Carolina history. Immediately noted that wasn't that hard because it was "only 65 wins." Acknowledged mutual wearing of visors between him and Hugh Freeze. Insinuated his classmates were old people seconds from death by pointing out how half the people at his high school reunion went to bed at 9:30.

    Took off shirt. Hit a bucket of range balls into adoring crowd. Injured a few people. Said "You're welcome." Walked in a king. Left a king.

    More from SB Nation:

    Loads of SEC Media Days coverage, live from Hoover

    Projecting every 2013 college football conference race

    Tons of top recruit interviews from SB Nation at The Opening

    Bill Connelly’s Pac-12 team preview series is underway

    National recruiting coverage

    Today’s college football news headlines


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    1. You're gonna have to move. The door is blocked, and you are going to have to move if you want Johnny Manziel to get to that podium. You'll have to sit somewhere on the floor. I count no fewer than 43 camera lenses, and at least a hundred reporters, media people, and TV reporters.

    He drinks water. This is now a GIF on the internet. This is news.

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    Courtesy of Brian McAlister at AL.com.

    2. This is where Johnny Manziel is. He is measuring his words. He is well-coached and repeats a lot of the same answers to slightly different variations of questions he hears over and over again. He overslept at the Manning Camp and was not drinking the night before. His life, and the past year, is "crazy," a word he will repeat over and over and over again.

    He says it at least five times in one session and then reels through the same drill in the next room and then again in the main room.

    3. This reaches some kind of critical mass in the main room. Manziel is camped in the back right corner of the Wynfrey Ballroom. Texas A&M's SIDs lead-block through the crowd. He wonders out loud if he's like Justin Bieber. He mentions meeting Drake and LeBron James. He's asked if he's talked to Tim Tebow, for some reason. Manziel says he got a voicemail and needs to call him back.

    On TV, out in the lobby where ESPN has a full studio setup right where the Coke machines and coffee used to stand, professional take-ghoul Paul Finebaum suggests Kevin Sumlin embarrassed the Texas A&M program by not talking more about Johnny Manziel. Reporters yell over each other like White House pool reporters. When two talk at once, Manziel chooses with his eyes and answers without pause.

    4. Johnny Manziel is 20 years old.

    I wanted to ask him if he was the first person who was ever be late for something, mostly because he is 20 years old, and in the same situation at his age most people are sleeping in beds without box springs, destroying microwaves by accidentally leaving forks in them while heating water for ramen, and discovering that things in your house stop working when you don't send strangers in businesses money in the form of checks. His version of this was being candid on Twitter, going around College Station on Halloween in a Scooby-Doo costume, and going courtside at NBA games because ... well, that's what college students do, particularly when they have supernatural athletic talent, bon vivant tendencies, and a smart phone with LeBron and Drake's numbers.

    A maypole for ribbons of hot-take bullshit to be wound around.

    5. This isn't a postmortem for some imagined innocent tarnished by the vapid, squawking media.

    Manziel is media-savvy, well-coached, and has been from the start. That has always been the case, and is even more so now after the 2013 offseason. He can handle it.

    He will become more anodyne, less descript. He will say less. He's now something to be tacked on, pivoted around, a maypole for ribbons of hot-take bullshit to be wound around.

    6. Eric Cantona was suspended from playing football in the Premier League for kicking an abusive fan in the chest. At the press conference following his suspension in 1995, Cantona made this statement, and then walked out of the room:

    When seagulls follow the trawler it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.

    From this point forward, Johnny Manziel gives no sardines to the seagulls. That is sad: he's engaging and funny, and yes, possibly a bit spoiled and impulsive, but still unrepentantly himself despite a lot of handling and media coaching.

    Now that he's a bullet point on First Take, that's done, and has been for a while now. This is just confirmation that the bubble is up and the fisherman will be stingier with the freebies from this point forward. The seagulls aren't worth the noise, the occasional pecks on the hand, and especially the splattered mess they leave on the decks.

    More from SB Nation:

    Loads of SEC Media Days coverage, live from Hoover

    Projecting every 2013 college football conference race

    Tons of top recruit interviews from SB Nation at The Opening

    Bill Connelly’s Pac-12 team preview series is underway

    National recruiting coverage

    Today’s college football news headlines


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    Coach Hortense Jones of the University of Mississippi notifies the collected that starting halfback Invictus Malone of Meridian, Mississippi will not be playing this fall. A buggy accident in Memphis has claimed his right leg to the knee. Four is the number of Mississippi players who have fallen prey to the hungry spoke-mouths of Memphisian horse-carts this off-season.

    Ice delivery for the Tuesday p.m. session was late. Thirty-seven died of apoplexy.

    Please avoid the ham sandwiches. They have caused several scribes to founder and swell with illness as the dead goats of the field would.

    The telegraph operator will be lunching from 12:30 to 1:30. His spelling corrupts due to drink as the day goes on; therefore, compose stories carefully, and in handwriting a blurred eye could read with ease.

    The afternoon session has been cancelled due to cicadas.

    Vanderbilt coach Darcy Chillberth has graciously conceded to give the Irish media five minutes of questioning time, provided they stay away from his daughters.

    Arkansas coach Shelley Cumberland declares his team "shall ne'er again visit the brutal climes of the Inuit." The Razorbacks host Alaska Preparatory College for the Spiritually Ruptured this year after losing a road game to the Fightin' Damned last season, 6-5.

    The arrival of Missouri football personnel to SEC meetings remains a mystery. They will be sheltered in the stables until the investigation is complete.

    Please alert the owner of the rabid pitbull in the Magnolia room that he shall be charged for all Pasteur treatments resulting from its foam-riddled insults to the flesh. Additionally, the pitbull shall not be credentialed for any future media events.

    Cockfighting is not permitted in the main interviewing hall. Please confine all contests of animal strength to the foyer, and toss all carcasses and casualties of combat into Shitbone Alley adjacent to the property.

    Men's restrooms shall be open at 8 a.m. and will close promptly at 6 p.m. Women may take conveniences in the nearby pecan tree orchard.

    A partial collapse of the hotel last night was confirmed by the town mayor to be "owing to Asiatic sympathies from our Secretary of War." When asked to elaborate, said mayor beat this reporter soundly about the face and ribcage.

    Deadline for registration for the scribes and functionaries' whoring tourney is 2 p.m. on Wednesday.

    Federal marshals in need of serving warrants, summons, and other writs of law are asked to refrain from pulling coaches off the podium as they speak, or from laying down subduing fire from the aisles in their apprehension.

    The use of firearms as a rhetorical device is prohibited except to note spaces in speech where a point of explanation would be utilized.

    Representatives of the University of Florida will be available beginning at three o'clock post meridiem until their traditional violation of the Comstock Act. Children under six are asked to be left with the Watch-Mule.

    First year assistant coach Steve Spurrier is available for short game lessons.

    The annual media golf outing shall continue from the ninth hole following the cancellation of Tuesday's rounds due to banditry.

    Alabama coach Dixie "Deadlegs" Waller has been detained by marshals while en route. He has legalities to unwind in Borehole County. In his stead, Governor Riblets will speak in his stead on football and other varied topics extemporaneously. You are asked disregard any discussion of eugenics, race, and other topics of non-sporting interest.

    The organizers wish to reiterate their firm belief that it does no offense to the First Amendment to bar Saul Finebaum from these proceedings given his persistent shouts of "AUSTRIA-HUNGARY PLAYED A WEAK SCHEDULE" last year.


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  • 07/19/13--07:21: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 7/19/2013
  • 0u397pw

    THE FUN AND HORSEY SAUCE GUN. Yes, there's the moment when Steve Spurrier was caught by Jadeveon Clowney reaching into the condiment station as a stunned father and son beheld Palmetto Sasquatch and his swagged out coach--who makes three million a year AND IS STILL STUNTIN' AT ARBY'S--but this is the internet. The internet doesn't reflect reality; it takes the cheap pieces of squalid reality, and assembles them into a Lego set of true spectacularity.

    On the internet, Arby's can talk to college football bloggers about Steve Spurrier, and that's why Prometheus stole fire from the gods. (photo via GABA)

    GIGGI-TAAAAY NOSTALGIA. First-rank work by Brandon Marcello on talking to all the principals in the Mitch Mustain/Malzahn/Nutt debacle known around these parts as Las Cronicas, and known now as something that amounted to a fairly influential clusterfuck.

    To wit:

    • Houston Nutt goes to Ole Miss, who beats Florida at home in 2008, sparking Florida's run to a national title.
    • Mustain flees to USC, where he never sees serious action and is at one point their backup-backup punter.
    • Rather than building himself into the woodwork at Arkansas, Malzahn eventually ends up at rival Auburn, and is now widely regarded as half the reason that ever happened at all. (The other 49% is Cam Newton, and the remaining 1% is a statistical margin of error called Gene Chizik.)

    There's also a reminder in the story about the time Houston Nutt was called a dork by one of his own players, and that alone makes it worth reading.

    NO SIMILARITIES WHATSOEVER. The O'Bannon suit gets its six amateurs, including Clemson DB Darius Robinson, who joined the suit partly due to his business running into compliance issues with the NCAA.

    WE'D SUPPORT THIS BUT OH SHIT-- Yay, it's a bill slagging the NCAA. Boo, it's being sponsored by a Penn State alum for extremely partisan reasons.

    WELL IT'S ABOUT TIME. ATVS finally gets around to actual barbecue, which is only excused by Lousianans having so many other good forms of food to get through in a cooking series that barbecue comes in somewhere around 43rd place.

    HELLO UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX, BIG TEN MEMBER. At last, the way is being forged for membership of PCU to some conference somewhere.

    SURE, HAVE THIS BIT OF RANDOM GENIUS.

    ETC: BIDEN IN THE HOUSE.


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    1. Steve Spurrier

    The dye-job: fresh, immaculate, and an unnatural shade of brown-red you only find in expensive furniture made from tropical wood.

    The pace? Brutal, as in the first five minutes featured Spurrier throwing gasoline on Notre Dame, the inability of institutions to share even paltry sums of money with players, and SEC scheduling inequities. Gigging the Bulldogs? Yes, via mentioning how badly they played against South Carolina and perhaps also by noting their easy schedule. Reminder of how much younger he is than other people his age? Yup, by noting that most of the people at his 50th high school reunion were asleep by 9:30 while STEVE SPURRIER JUST WANTED TO ROCK.

    He even said he has two good quarterbacks, setting up the inevitable QB-swapping for the media's convenience.

    Rating: Five buckets of range balls out of five.Range_252520balls_jpg_medium

    2. Bret Bielema

    An utter lack of fear, a florid complexion, and a refusal to not attack every question like a police dog hitting a fleeing cop in a padded training suit? The arrival of Bret Bielema means there is a little bit of Hayden Fry in the SEC now, and we're fine with that, particularly when Bielema goes off on emotional (and totally unsubstantiated) critiques of the hurry-up offense and its alleged safety risks, and then calls his style of football "normal American football."

    He also stated he is not a comedian or a scientist, and that's good because John L. Smith claimed to be both, and got within three doors of the reactor room at Arkansas Nuclear One last year before he was stopped.

    Rating: Four tallboys in brown paper bags.

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    3. Mark Richt

    As the dean of SEC coaches, Richt is standing on three "World's Best Dad" mugs out of five by default, but his smug/amiable dad act did add some value: casually noting he'd been on board with the hurry-up before it was cool as an assistant at FSU, confirming that Mike Bobo -- his oft-beleaguered offensive coordinator -- is a very good coach indeed, and that Georgia was five yards away from playing for the national title last year. No big deal, of course, since Richt seems seconds away from nodding into a very satisfied sleep at any given moment, and has for 13 seasons now.

    Rating: Three and a half "World's Best Dad" mugs.

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    4. Nick Saban

    Do we want football to be a continuous game? (I don't have the answers.)

    Is Nick Saban happy? (Oh, no, no, no, of course not.)

    Did Alabama do anything right last year? (Sure, but that's not what Nick Saban talked about for the first five minutes of his time at SEC Media Days.)

    Did he mention pumping gas in West Virginia for his dad as the worst possible theoretical outcome in his life? (Of course.)

    Did he equal the fury from previous Media Days? (No, but he did put himself above merely average by noting how the media, 4-17 in picking SEC champions over the last 21 years, would be working in said gas station if it produced that record as a coach.)

    Is Nick Saban's father the scariest human to ever walk the earth? (Possibly.)

    Rating: Three burnt houses.

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    5. Les Miles

    I'll be honest: I missed Les Miles live because I was throwing up some bad barbecue. I did go back and watch him, and Les Miles a.) giving some real information re: the Jeremy Hill case and b.) doing a horrendous Australian accent on camera is good enough for two grassy knolls alone. Throw in a third for Miles' ongoing 495-car pile-up of mangled syntax, and 2013 has a want to give the SEC's chestiest coach a good grade for the year's media session.

    Rating: Three grassy knolls.

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    6. Kevin Sumlin

    Almost an afterthought, since Sumlin addressed those who weren't stuffing themselves into the smaller TV and radio rooms to listen to Johnny Manziel. Used a lot of words, didn't say much with them, and in college athletics that's a passing grade for a coach desperate to avoid controversy and simply run out the Media Days clock.

    Rating: Two and a half beveled Ts.

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    7. Will Muschamp

    Earned the "Most Excited" award for using the word 12 times in his opening monologue/assault on the senses. (Nick Saban, for the record, did not use the word once.) Ripped through the entire depth chart in a 2,576-word opening statement and played ball control by stretching that out into well over half the allotted time. Said little of controversy; confirmed he had never been to Big 12 Media Days, since he coaches in the SEC.

    Rating: Would have earned three muzzled dogs out of five, but someone's got to punish him for nearly killing the transcription people on an annual basis.

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    8. Mark Stoops

    Humble, admits to having no standing in conference, but was loose in the use of the word "excited," a first-year coach's crutch of crutches. Dodged a difficult question about his brother Bob's comments on the SEC's weak bottom, i.e. teams like ... well, Mark Stoops' Kentucky team.

    He didn't do anything wrong, certainly, so let's give the man about to take on one of the SEC's most daunting jobs a clean passing grade.

    Rating: Two and a half hugs.

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    9. Gus Malzahn

    Had the second most SEC accent, and is not Gene Chizik, both significant improvements already at Auburn. Lobbed a grenade at Normal American Football enthusiasts by suggesting concerns about player safety in the no-huddle were "a joke." Otherwise, Malzahn was perfectly boring, something Auburn football could use a little of both at the podium and beyond.

    Rating: Two bagmen.

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    10. James Franklin

    Pros: freshly shaved head reflected the lights well. This may not seem like an asset, but after three days of indoor confinement it provided the first thing like actual sunlight.

    Cons: bragged about Vanderbilt academics at SEC Media Days, and no one like nerds, James, especially in an Alabama-heavy crowd. It may be a sign of growing confidence at program-building Vanderbilt that he felt comfortable enough to not recruit the room, or that every reporter in the place was sleepy after lunch and just wanted to go home.*

    *The latter. It was the latter.

    Rating: Two Bob the Builders.

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    11. Dan Mullen

    Sang "Strangers in the Night" on the way into Media Days in the car (per his SID), and that's far more interesting than anything Mullen said. He did note that Johnny Manziel may have been in the building that day, and that's dry-ass New England humor for you, but being pleasant and unremarkable is what you have to be after losing to Northwestern in your bowl game. (And that's exactly what he was.)

    Rating: Two Sinatras (one Frank, one Nancy).

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    12. Butch Jones

    Unremarkable, save for noting that Tennessee had lost 260 pounds of fat over the offseason. If you find this fat, please return to the Tennessee football facilities immediately. Winter is just around the corner, and you need every scrap of fuel to survive the harsh conditions of an Appalachian January.

    Additionally, Butch Jones does look a bit like a Battletoad.

    Rating: One and a half Battletoads.

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    13. Hugh Freeze

    We know he's charismatic -- and allegedly terrifying on the practice field -- but two years running Freeze has talked a streak of mayonnaise at the podium. He did sort of remind us of Gustavo Fring from Breaking Bad in this respect, since a man who flourished in Memphis with that genteel a face and public demeanor has to be some kind of secretly ruthless gangster.

    Rating: One Gus Fring.

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    14. Gary Pinkel

    Skipped the event to stop and look around for once in this life, man.

    Rating:

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    More from SB Nation:

    Six current players taking on the NCAA

    Loads of SEC Media Days coverage, live from Hoover

    EA Sports to keep using real college names in video games

    Projecting every 2013 college football conference race

    National recruiting coverage

    Today’s college football news headlines


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