If you're just now waking up from a months-long sleep, do not be alarmed by the two names you read at the top of this list.
An instantaneous survey of four teams in the best position for the College Football Playoff's four spots at this very moment, plus the biggest threats looming for each. Be advised: these have nothing to do with the Top 25 polls. If you get mad about this, you will be pointed to the previous sentence.
1. OLE MISS
A 35-20 win over Texas A&M on the road is not as impressive as it might have seemed after Week 2 or 3 of this season, but put it in a larger context.
In his third year in Oxford, Hugh Freeze has the best defense in the SEC and an undefeated record after Week 7 of the football season, an eventuality you might only think possible playing the old NCAA video game in Dynasty mode. You would make a pretty good football coach, you're thinking, now that you read that, and for all you know you could be right. Brady Hoke and Will Muschamp have jobs. Why not you, dear reader?
Threats: Auburn. Possibly an Arkansas team mere points away from its first conference win under Bret Bielema. Mississippi State, now possibly Ole Miss' partner in an Egg Bowl that could be a play-in game to the College Football Playoff. That sentence is not a sign of mental illness. This is 2014, and the terror of the present is oh so very real at all times.
2. MISSISSIPPI STATE
Speaking of the terror of the present: the only reason we might have Mississippi State behind Ole Miss is that Mississippi State's win over LSU means a little less after realizing how bad LSU is, and because the Rebel defense is so much better than Mississippi State's in both statistical terms and general shock-and-awe value.
However, the Bulldogs did something astonishing that only a really good team could do: give up four turnovers and still win a football game by 15 points over a fantastic division rival, in a 38-23 victory over Auburn.
Threats: Alabama, which will probably still ruin everything, because that is what Nick Saban does to everything fun in this world. Arkansas, because they're this close to winning against someone. Ole Miss in the Egg Bowl that will end civilization itself.
3. FLORIDA STATE
Not really the Seminoles' fault, but a two-week stretch of easy practices against Wake Forest and Syracuse has to result in some kind of slide in your overall status. (If only because, ew, Florida State's got Wake Forest and Syracuse all over it now.)
FSU beat Syracuse, 38-20, in a game that means nothing to anyone. Forget they played it, because the ACC is like one huge SEC East right now.
Threats: Notre Dame this coming week, followed up by the deadly Thursday night special against Louisville after a bye week. There are no other real threats on Florida State's schedule, which is as weak start-to-finish as Yuengling. Yeah, I said something about Yuengling. Fight me, people who like something that tastes like rainwater scraped off the top of a car battery.
4. BAYLOR
You have criticisms of Baylor. That defense, you say, has holes? Well, Art Briles would beg to differ, but while he's thinking of an answer, why don't you have a touchdown?
But, you say, won't that be hard to sustain over the course of an entire season? Well, it might be, but that's such a good question that you should probably just sit down and have another touchdown.
It almost seems like you think touchdowns will fix everything, Art. Is that true? Well, buddy, there's only one way to find out. They fixed plenty in a 61-58 win over TCU. And Baylor's not running short of them any time soon.
Threats: Next week at West Virginia, which might be able to keep up with Baylor for a bit. Oklahoma. And last year's ruiner of Baylor's endless touchdown spree, the Oklahoma State Cowboys.
TEAMS THAT ARE UNDEFEATED BUT STILL NOT HERE BECAUSE OF SCHEDULE ANEMIA
Notre Dame, because honestly the Irish are going to have to straight-up clobber Florida State next week to get any serious consideration in the Playoff, until somebody else loses.
Marshall.
TEAMS THAT GOT THEIR FIRST LOSSES AND YEAH ARE PROBABLY OUT OF THE RUNNING WITH JUST ONE MEASLY LOSS
Georgia Tech, which lost to Duke, 31-25.
Arizona, which missed a game-winning field goal kick as time expired in a 28-26 loss to USC.
TCU, losers of a pretty decent college basketball game to Baylor.
ONE-LOSS TEAMS CAPABLE OF RECOVERING THEIR FOOTING AND RUINING EVERYTHING IN A KIND OF ENTERTAINING WAY
Alabama, though running for fewer yards against Arkansas than Texas Tech did is an alarming sign.
Oregon, who beat UCLA handily.
Oklahoma, winners of the Red River Rivalry.
Auburn.
Michigan State? TCU? Can we put TCU and Michigan State in a kind of unsanctioned pit fight and see what happens? That would be delightful, if totally illegal.