Which sports people could you beat in a fight?

We asked the Internet what sporting people you could win a fight with. Most of you lied.

If you're like me, the first thing you do when you walk into a room is figure out who you're going to have to fight first. This isn't an exact science, but it's necessary. In a survival situation you need to know who you can take, and who you're going to have to run from screaming while attempting a hasty escape.  For the record: I have done this in every room I have ever walked into ever, and rate myself pretty low because I am very, very bad at fighting.

With this in mind, I asked Twitter to take a look around the sporting world and honestly think about this:

what sporting universe celebrity are you pretty sure you could beat in a fight very serious answers only plz

— SPENCER HALL (@edsbs) March 29, 2015

The answers came, and I fear many of them were not honest. Let's review how the average person honestly stacks up against their chosen foe from the broad sporting universe.

@edsbs Bubba Watson

— EL CAPÍTAN (@cjaaas) March 29, 2015

Golf only seems like an easy pull. Golfers look average enough, and for the purposes of this experiment we'll assume they're not allowed to bring clubs into the equation. Fighting Rory McIlroy seems like a bad idea, because he is very strong, but Bubba has the muscle definition of a beer koozie. Miss the first frantic swing of those long arms, and you've probably got a 50-50 shot with him.

Verdict: I think you could probably stand a decent chance of beating up Bubba Watson.

@edsbs Bob Costas

— Miller Yoho (@MR_Yoho) March 29, 2015

Yeah, you could beat up Bob Costas. I don't even think it's a matter of height. Costas weighs so little that staying on the ground in a grappling situation would be nigh-impossible. But what if he's like a wolverine and goes for the tender parts -- stop, stop. He's a baseball fan. He will expect you to draw up terms of engagement first, and allow him a warm-up period of stretching and light running. This is when you throw him into a nearby trash receptacle and declare victory.

Verdict: I think almost any of you could beat up Bob Costas.

@edsbs Stephen A Smith. Skip Bayless. Both at the same time?

— Josh (@scoutingpimp) March 29, 2015

Many people misunderstood this question as "Who would you like to beat up?" I saw Stephen A. Smith at SXSW recently and two things struck me about him. First, he was walking through a hive of geeks in plaid shirts, and clearly looking for someone to recognize him in an environment where no one would. He seemed oddly disappointed about this, and I respect that. I like my famous people to preen and demand instant recognition at all times, and SAS appeared to be doing just this. Nice work, Stephen.

Second, Stephen A. Smith is pretty fuckin' big, or at least bigger than you think he's going to be. His head alone is large enough to withstand some punishment. Add in a ripped, very fit, and utterly friendless Skip Bayless to the equation, and I am fairly certain you will sustain serious damage here. (Even if you consider them punchable.) Your only hope is to distract them by yelling out, "TONY ROMO JUST NEEDS A CHANCE" and hope they turn on each other.

Verdict: You do not want this fight.

@edsbs Mike Lupica

— Brent Patrick (@brentdpatrick) March 29, 2015

See "Costas" but with "more precautionary vaccinations in the clinic afterwards." I think you'd be pretty scratched up, too. He's a biter.

Verdict: Yeah, you could probably beat Mike Lupica up.

@edsbs Secretariat

— Tony Perkis Sr. (@zeblackhand) March 29, 2015

No, no, I see the dead horse joke there. But let's assume Secretariat comes back from the dead here, though, and this is a really, really hard fight for you. If the horse stays committed, it's just going to kick you to death. And if it doesn't, it runs off, and can you really claim victory huffing and puffing after a thousand-pound animal too dumb to know it can just turn around and kick you to death? You would? Cool, I just want to make sure you're OK with that, Mr. Wrestling Heel-type guy.

Verdict: You're probably a push in a fight with the horse because, dammit, horses are unpredictable.

@edsbs Cristiano Ronaldo

— ATChibald Butt (@major_butt) March 29, 2015

I'm deeply torn here between noting that Cristiano Ronaldo is in elite shape and is supremely well conditioned. Additionally, should he decide to kick you anywhere, this fight is over and you are a crying pile of goo to be swept into the nearest storm drain. But he is a soccer player, and is by trade trained to mostly simulate conflict, not engage in actual tusslin'. He's also too pretty to fight, and that is not an insult. He is beautiful, and brings much joy to many people with his gorgeous face and eight immaculately sculpted abdominal muscles.

Verdict: basically the same as Secretariat, depends on if he's committed. (P.S. -- He is beautiful and even men should admit that even if he is a giant pain in the ass.)

@edsbs cowherd and/or lebatard.

— CJ (@WestSideBuckeye) March 29, 2015

Cowherd I'll give you, random Internet person, or at least give you a fair shot at via him being kind of normal-sized and thin, and also because I think he'd just turtle up and wait for the authorities to show. He's probably had to do it before, and that's probably not an exaggeration. No shame to Colin: this is exactly what I would do in a fight, too.

Dan Le Batard has talked on his show about how bad he is at fighting, and while I respect the honesty his size alone is problematic for an opponent. Le Batard is HUGE, and not the lanky kind of huge, either. Like, 6'3 at least, and with some meat on his bones. If you have a ground game I'd give you an edge because maybe you could chop that tree down, but otherwise I'm giving Dan the advantage over a random opponent.

Then again, you appear to be from Ohio, Westside Buckeye, so I assume you're typing this wearing Bony Acai fighting trunks and shaving your head while pondering what sprawl defense Dan's going to employ. (P.S. -- Everyone in Ohio is just waiting for an excuse to beat someone up and validate that $125 MMA gym membership.)

Verdict: If you're from Ohio, sure. Otherwise, nah to Le Batard, and yes to Cowherd.

@edsbs Messi

— Aaron W. Gordon (@A_W_Gordon) March 29, 2015

If fighting Cristiano Ronaldo is like brawling with a horse, Messi would be like a miniature pony. Mini-ponies are adorable, but they are also mean as snakes, something you can see for yourself when watching a small child run toward one for the first time, and leave crying with a nasty flat-toothprint on one arm and a bruise on the other. Something in me says Messi is so well-programmed he would avoid the fight at all costs to play the next match, but if he decides to finish it you're getting a headbutt and groin kick in quick, blinding succession.

Verdict: Lionel Messi would probably beat you up badly, and flee the scene before the refs showed up.

@edsbs any little league champion team, all of it

— Cole (@YaBoyBiscuit) March 29, 2015

Even if we don't include the bench that's still nine middle schoolers you will have to fight in rapid succession. Conditioning will be a concern. Plus, this being a little league championship team and all, several of these players will have military experience to lean on in a combat situation. (If their wives come in from the stands, you're doubly screwed.) Find them first if you hope to make it out, which you will probably not.

Finally: Have you forgotten how badly middle school boys just want an excuse to kill someone? You've probably forgotten this.

Verdict: You could probably not beat up a Championship Little League Team via math and numbers and fatigue.

@edsbs Donald Sterling

— Erick Homily (@kungjitsu) March 29, 2015

If he enters the ring pantsless and wearing a silk robe, you won't go near him. That's his only hope. Otherwise, sure. I'll give you the advantage over an 80-year-old man.

Verdict: You could probably beat up Donald Sterling unless he's not wearing pants. (Note: He's probably not going to be wearing pants.)

@edsbs Eli Manning

— Andrew Bell (@atbell23) March 29, 2015

More people said Eli Manning than anyone else. This is why you should never listen to a majority of people on the Internet about anything ever. Eli Manning is 6'4" and gets hit by defensive ends regularly. You're going to have a hard time even reaching his face, much less landing a punch that feels like anything more than a love tap. I don't even know if Eli would know you were trying to fight him, actually. He's so laid-back it might take minutes to rouse his anger even with extreme violence, and so used to random beatings from actual paid athletes your mortal attempts might not register.

Verdict: No, Internet, you probably couldn't beat up Eli Manning.

@edsbs TI

— Joel D. Anderson (@byjoelanderson) March 29, 2015

I might say here that T.I., aka Mayor of Atlanta Clifford Harris, is not an athlete in the strictest sense of the word. He did, however, attempt to fight Floyd Mayweather, Jr. despite T.I. being a generously estimated 5'8 in shoes with no professional fighting experience. For bonus points: He tried to do this in a casino Fatburger in Las Vegas, no less. I have no proper estimate of his actual skills, but if he was willing to fight the most fearsome boxer of his generation in a burger joint crawling with security? You might win, you might lose. But you will bleed, and if Tiny gets involved you will bleed a lot more.

Verdict: Internet, I'm not really sure if you can or can't beat up T.I., but I know it would probably hurt a lot either way.

@keisertroll@edsbs I believe I could take anyone on "Around The Horn" and would be doing a public service

— ☠ KↃOᴙ sTƎ⅃ ☠ (@Bro_Pair) March 29, 2015

I'm gonna have to give you projected outcomes on the current cast members, and they are not optimistic. (For you.)

• Bill Plaschke: Loss. He's a big dude, and probably looking for an excuse to freak out and vent some nerd rage.
• Frank Isola: Loss He went to Maryland and lives in New York so I assume he goes for the nutkick first. Seems fit, too.
• Kate Fagan. Loss. BAD LOSS. Will absolutely wreck your shit.
• Jackie McMullan: Loss.
• Bob Ryan: Win, but you won't feel good about it.
• Kevin Blackistone: Win. A blind guess because I've never met him, but I know he went to Northwestern and would thus rather remind you he went to Medill than fight.
• J.A. Adande: Loss. He's pretty fit, though he went to Northwestern, too.
• Jemele Hill: Loss. Don't fight anyone from Detroit, ever.
• Bomani Jones: Loss. His arms are like 8 feet long each. He'll shame you about it on Twitter afterwards, too.
• Woody Paige: Win. Mostly because he's coming up on 70, but a win is a win, soldier.
• Tim Cowlishaw: No clue. He is an older man with a goatee, which means he either is the easiest man to fight in the world, or the hardest. Toss a coin and best of luck to you.
• Michael Smith: Loss. Former high school athlete from New Orleans isn't a real great draw for anyone. If co-host Jemele Hill jumps in, you're gone.
• Pablo Torre: Loss. Pablo lived without a toilet seat in his apartment for a while, so assume the leg strength is formidable. He also lived without a toilet seat, and clearly doesn't care if he lives or dies.