The 11 best things at the Masters, ranked

Sorting through the top players, plants, and fans after spending the first round at Augusta.

1. Miguel Angel Jimenez. THE GAWD. I don't even know what he shot while I was following him because he transcends numbers. Jimenez has on spat-patterned golf spikes and is a 51-year-old man with a curly blonde ponytail who started his round with a cigar. He put it in the water and stretched out his hands in a casual plea with Mother Earth like, damn girl how could you do that to me like that, but I still love you and later we're all going in the hot tub with a bottle of Cava. He has a group of bros who follow him around and, without coordination or knowledge of the other's thoughts, all say this exact dialogue out loud.

BRO A: Dude.

BRO B: Bruh.

BRO A: Look at his gut.

BRO B: I know. I KNOW.

BRO A: Zero fucks, bruh.

BRO B: Zero. He's a god. He's the ideal, man.

BRO A: Zero fucks.

BRO B: ZERO.

Miguel Angel Jimenez bends over a lot even though he really doesn't have to because he knows Mother Earth wants to check out his butt and admire his flexibility. After putting a shot in the water yesterday and taking a drop, in a situation where Tiger Woods would be self-harming and forcing the mic holders to flee to the next hole, Jimenez turned toward a spectator encouraging him and honestly, no lie, Jimenez gave him a sidelong happy look that said all of the following things at once.

• "Thank you."
• "My friend, life is a vale of tears, but we may find a good hill and lay a slip 'n slide upon it, so that we may at least laugh and make a carnival ride of its sorrows."
• "For dinner, I will consume more butter than is medically advisable and grow stronger and glow from its power."
• "I am not wearing underwear and never have, for spiritual reasons."
• "I drove here from Spain. The Ferrari is capable of so much more than you imagined."

He'll probably miss the cut and not even be playing this weekend but whatever, Miguel Angel Jimenez is the most important golfer at Augusta this week, and every week.

1A. Kevin Stadler. The rich, beefy athleticism missing from so much modern golf.

(Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images)

2. That Korean dude I saw toss a whole beer into a storm drain so he could catch up with Gunn Yang and watch him tee off. You can't run at Augusta National, but you can power-waddle with a fierceness, and like a B-17 pilot flying in on one engine this dude decided he needed to drop weight and drop it fast.

3. The Eisenhower Tree. Such a baller of a tree they keep a whole slice of it in a glass case in the media building. MOURN YA TILL I JOIN YA.

4. Ernie Els. DUDE HE'S HUGE. Easily the first guy to pick in a fantasy bar brawl team draft, and it's not even close. Look, if you search for his height he's sticking his tongue out at lesser, shorter creatures in his midst.

5. Sweaty five-year-old, who did not want to be there. Flushed cheeks, bucket hat, a shirt stained with a popsicle or some form of ice cream, a blooming sunburn because grandpa believes in stripping the weakest layers of skin away from the body to make you stronger, a comically huge badge around his neck, and the kind of thousand-yard stare you only get when quietly enduring loving indoctrination from an elder, who secretly hopes you will be the next Rory McIlroy. It gets better, child, especially when they figure out you can't hit a 5-iron for shit.

6. Charl Schwartzel. Not because he's playing outrageously well, but because he's got the first name of an indie rapper from like, Oklahoma City.

7. Freddie Couples. (THIS SLOT SPONSORED BY DADS. DADS: FIST-PUMPING AT EVERY OLD GUY PAR AND LOOKING AT THE CLUBS AND THINKING YANNO THE SENIOR TOUR CAN'T BE THAT HARD SINCE 1938)

8. Bernhard Langer. Pro: Still looks like a German commando. Con: Uses an anchored putter.

9. Tiger Woods. I followed Tiger for a few holes yesterday, and while he is not the most profane golfer or the only profane golfer, he is by far the one who still, deep into adulthood, sounds most like a toddler finding an empty box of popsicles in the fridge. How anyone could see his cussing as a crime against any sport is hilarious to me, because he can't even say "fuck" without making it sound like a five-year-old trying on the word for fun. He's a ridiculously wealthy man with every material comfort in the world with the best education money can buy, but he can't drop a believable "goddammit" to save his life. It's endearing, really, like yayyyy, Tiger's really bad at something else.

10. The Guy Talking Shit About Players Two Feet From Their Ears. Rope is amazing because it has the power to turn real life into a TV, and the real people playing a game in front of you into characters who can't hear you. On No. 18, some dude next to me, with Billy Horschel standing right there, just said "God, that guy's an asshole" like he was parked in front of a flatscreen of Horschel standing on the tee.

11. Plants. STOP FILLING THE AIR WITH YOUR LUSTY, ALLERGEN-RICH SEX PARTICLES.