IT'S TIME TO GIVE IN THE NAME OF HUMILIATING YOUR RIVAL. AGAIN.
GOOD MORNING. It's that time of year, where we justify our existence as a useless-by-design college football site by raising money for a good cause. Who's that photo at the top of the post? Dat Nguyen, legendary Texas A&M linebacker, born in a refugee center in Fort Smith, Arkansas to Vietnamese refugee parents. He's part of a theme here, so let's go.
WHAT IS THAT CAUSE?
So glad you asked, invisible narrator. New American Pathways is a refugee resettlement agency in the Clarkston, GA area devoted to welcoming refugees to America, setting them up with the basics of American life, and helping them succeed in their new home. They recently rebranded from their former name, RRISA, which you may remember from previous EDSBS Charity Bowls. Same people; different name.
WHY THEM?
A lot of reasons, actually. First, we used to work in that community as a youth education program coordinator. Second, they're a fantastic organization working with a population that really needs the help. Third, because it pays off in the form of new Americans who buy in harder to the American dream than you could have ever dreamed possible.
OKAY THIS SOUNDS FINE. HOW DO I GIVE?
Give here. The site is simple and easy to use, and allows you to list your school when you donate. We tally the schools, publish the results daily, and then praise and embarrass schools as we go in order to goad you into giving more than your rival. Most people give in the form of scores of particularly great victories over your rival. For instance, Florida could look at their recent history and give...well, you could just give $59.20 in honor of Oregon, since we haven't done anything since 2012, and even then stupid Will Muschamp low-total football doesn't yield great donations.
Just give $59.20, Florida fans. Everyone else, get creative.
HOW DOES THIS USUALLY GO?
Well, Michigan won last year, and the year before that, and dangit they've won this a lot. But look at it this way: for years Michigan suffered, and yet still donated to the EDSBS Charity Bowl. Then, out of nowhere, they managed to hire the coach they wanted, Jim Harbaugh. BOOM. Charity redeemed.
YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT EDSBS CHARITY BOWL WINS ADDED UP TO A KARMIC DOWN PAYMENT ON JIM HARBAUGH.
No, but you can't disprove it either, can you?
YOU GOT ME. HOW LONG DO WE HAVE TO GIVE?
We're running it the whole week, April 20th to Sunday, April 26th. On Monday we'll declare a winner.
OKAY WHAT'S IN IT FOR US?
We will outfit the site in the colors of the school. We will devote an entire Hatin' Ass Spurrier to ripping on the rivals of the winner. We have random celebrity guest calls to big donors. For instance, last year we might have had a Heisman Trophy winner call a particularly generous donor. That might could be you! You'll never know until you give, and then give again, and then wisely take out a second mortgage all in the name of getting a sports parody site's highest honor. (Oh, and you'll be giving to a great, great charity, too.)
ANYTHING ELSE?
If we get $30K this year, we'll get your mascot tattooed on our body. No, for real this time. We'll do it. Please win again, Michigan, because a wolverine could be a badass tattoo, while anything else is a crapshoot. (Oh god, Notre Dame. Please don't. PLEASE. You didn't see this.)
SOUNDS GREAT. CAN YOU GIVE US THAT LINK AGAIN?