Alabama: Allowed a TD to Mississippi State in a 38-7 deboning of the Bulldogs. With this display of complacent weakness, Alabama is clearly on the verge of total collapse as a football program. <---One Alabama message board commenter has actually said this in the past 24 hours. Not more than one, but exactly one.
Oregon: Chip Kelly's threshold of tasteful slaughter? It's 70 points, making that points total the answer to "What is considered the mustard gas/war crime threshold in Chip Kelly's Football Geneva Conventions?" The Ducks hit Chip Kelly's gore limit in the third quarter of a 70-14 win over the Buffaloes, and then actively had to try not to score to end the carnage.
Florida: You go to Jacksonville to play a football game. You turn the ball over six times. Behind, you have your first-year starter throw the ball 28 times against a defense with a Jarvis Jones. You suffer your first loss on the year, and blow a chance to go to Atlanta and taste the blade of Nick Saban. Don't ever play football against a live and motivated Jarvis Jones, because that is how you lose, 17-9, to Georgia.
Kansas State: The Wildcats were outplayed, outgained, and outrun in the first half against Texas Tech. They entered the locker room with a 13-10 lead. Then Optimus Klein woke up, and that's how you get a 55-24 blowout and a shiny new Werther's at the postgame handshake from Bill Snyder.
Notre Dame: A fearsome defensive performance from the Irish against Oklahoma, and a late surge offensively by the Irish was ... stunning? Yes, we'll go with stunning, but let's come to an understanding here. One: The Irish winning a football game against very good competition is not surprising anymore. Two: Oklahoma losing football games and getting blown off the ball on both sides of the football is a surprise to no one.
LSU: Bye week. Les Miles spent week working on the LSU passing game HAHAHHHA just kidding he's all caught up on The Walking Dead now.
Oregon State: Lost, 20-17, to Washington. No In-N-Out Burger this week for the Beavers. :(
Oklahoma: Bob Stoops, the NBC Sports Network thanks you for suddenly making Notre Dame-Pitt appointment viewing this week through an act of failure-based sorcery. (And they call Bill Snyder the wizard of the Big 12.)
Ohio State: A 35-23 win over Penn State is a delight, but it would be nicer for Ohio State fans if they didn't have to say, "Braxton Miller appears to be alright after that," at least twice a game.
USC: Just lost a game to Arizona where Marqise Lee had 16 receptions for 345 yards and two TDs. You think you have uncomfortable conversations with your father, and then you remember that your father isn't your ineffective defensive coordinator.
Florida State: Extinguished the menace of "a potentially dangerous Duke football team" in a 48-7 ACC blowout like Momma Bowden used to make.
Georgia: An emotional, violent and angry win over Florida 17-9 puts them right back in the SEC East title driver's seat. Mark Richt will now likely get distracted and drive headfirst into a magnolia tree called Ole Miss, but that's next week, man.
Mississippi State: Scored a touchdown in a 38-7 loss, which is real progress against Alabama. This is not a joke. That's just how far down Alabama has beaten the rest of the division.
Clemson. The school's official press release noted that Clemson "improved to 2-9 on Thursday night games," and here's where I rewrite this for you, Clemson SIDs. The 42-13 victory over Wake Forest "improved Clemson's historical performance on Thursday night by 100 percent."
Texas Tech: Three turnovers against Kansas State will somehow be converted to 28 points. It's some insane Bill Snyder touchdown currency conversion rate that only exists in Manhattan, Kansas, but Tommy Tuberville's familiar with strange conversions. (See: taking the Texas Tech job and turning it into the Arkansas or Kentucky job. Ta-daaaaa!)
Louisville: The best game of the week was a Big East game, Louisville's 34-31 OT win over Cincinnati. Teddy Bridgewater and Munchie Legaux should play against each other as often as possible, even if we have to do it in board games or other non-contact sports.
South Carolina: A 38-35 win over Tennessee is marred by the worst knee injury we've ever seen, to Marcus Lattimore.
Rutgers: Underestimate the MAC and die, Rutgers. Gary Nova threw six INTs in 35-23 loss to Kent State, and this is how you start using all that Carl Sagan's Cosmos you watched by making Gary "Super" Nova jokes.
Stanford: A 24-17 win over Washington State notable for a.) Wazzu converting a 4th and 21 in the final minute to get first and goal and a shot at the tying score, and b.) for Wazzu taking a sack and intentional grounding on the final play and ending the game. Sometimes you win by letting the other team lose, and lose painfully.
Michigan: A 23-9 loss to Nebraska has us firmly convinced Al Borges, Michigan's offensive coordinator, is actively trying to get fired to spend more time with his imaginary pet donkey, Hortense. This sounds improbable, but then consider that Al Borges has had no idea what to do with Denard Robinson on a college football field for two years now.
Boise State: The 45-14 win over Wyoming included a polite handshake without incident from Dave Christensen. Way to go, Dave!
Texas A&M: The 671 yards allowed by Auburn to the Aggies in a 65-21 home loss was the most ever allowed by the Tigers at Jordan-Hare Stadium. Now please rewind to SEC Media Days and the twenty minutes of "How aren't you terrified of playing in the SEC" questions for Kevin Sumlin, and laugh deeply.
Ohio: The cradle of coaches is nothing to toy with, something a 23-20 loss to the MIami Redhawks should remind you of permanently, Ohio. Take solace in your mascot dancing mod-style to peppy Sixties music.
Louisiana Tech: To be fair, you can't ever possibly be "up" for a game against New Mexico State, but 28-14 sounds way better than "was only up 7-0 at the half on FREAKIN' NEW MEXICO STATE."
West Virginia: Bye week. Dana Holgorsen spent bye week interviewing new defensive coordinators while spinning donuts in the parking lot.
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