Big East: Do you have a football team?
Tulane: Yes.
Big East: That's lovely!
Tulane: Yes, but we don't have our own stadium yet, and frankly, we've struggled to compete against--
[puts fingers to Tulane's lips]
BE: Shhhhh, baby. Shhhh. Don't ruin this for us. And you are located in New Orleans, Louisiana?
Tulane: Yes.
BE: And are central to the city, and close to large steakhouses that take corporate credit cards? And hotels?
Tulane: Yes. We also have a very good school of public health, one of the few specializing in tropical diseases, and a law school that has--
BE: Shhhhhh---just, I wanna look at those lips for a minute. And you say you'd like to host our teams, and could facilitate entertainment for the Big East's officials in the manner they're accustomed to being entertained in?
Tulane: Don't y'all just usually buy lobster out of a trunk and drink Sparks or something?
BE: Yes.
Tulane: Oh, we can do a lot better than that. Do you like prostitutes?
BE: Prostitution is illegal! We do not, sir.
Tulane: Good, we don't like prostitutes, either. We in New Orleans prefer whores.
BE: THEN THIS IS AN INVITATION TO THE BIG EAST, MADAM.
Tulane: Great! One question: what's the Big East?
BE: Something that will pay in cash until it can't.
Tulane: We like money.
BE: So do we. When we find some of it, we will let you know. What's a crawfish?
Tulane: It's like a lobster, but smaller, cheaper, and will eat anything it can to survive. It's like what happens to lobster after they lose all their money, or family, and other things start just picking it down to size, and---
BE: That's a heavyhanded metaphor for what's happening to us, Tulane.
Tulane: No one said we did subtlety. You want us to roll naked in that tub of creole butter to make things better?
BE: No! [sighs] Yes.
[Tulane rolls naked in creole butter while playing trombone solo]