OH MY OH MY OH MY GOD
our exact unexpurgated monologue the minute this play happened in appropriate all-caps
eh
whatever UGA got this locked up and---
damn this boring weekend and shit Imma have to watch Florida play and that's been like chemo you pour into your eyes lately and wait--
oh fuck oh fuck oh shit oh fuck basic profanity limit exceeded switching to blasphemy OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD--
OH MY GOD
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
WU-TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG
BY THE DIVINE PUBES OF A GODDESS WHOSE NAME CANNOT BE SAID BY MORTAL LIPS AND WHO WOULD KILL YOU DEAD BECAUSE YOU ATE ALL HER SNACKS AND ALSO BECAUSE HER BEAUTY EXCEEDS THAT WHICH YOUR SOUL CAN TAKE WITHOUT DYING
BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE YOU ATE THE LAST OF HER LARABARS OR WHATEVER OH MY GOOODDDDDDD----
HE CAUGHT THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
HE FUCKING CAUGHT THAT SHIT
OH MY STARS AND SHITBALLS HE CAUGHT THAT SHIT.
HE CAUGHT THAT SHIT LIKE HE WAS SPIDER MAN CATCHING A BABY THROWN FROM A GODDAMN ELEVATED TRAIN. HE PROBABLY SAID SOMETHING QUIPPY UNDER HIS BREATH AND POINTED TO MARY JANE WATSON PARKER IN THE STANDS AFTERWARD. HE CAUGHT THAT BECAUSE THE UGA DB FUCKIN' SPIKED THAT IN THE AIR LIKE MISTI MAY-TREANOR WAS ON THE OTHER END WAITING TO SPIKE IT. IT WOULD MAKE A LOT OF SENSE IF TODD GRANTHAM TOOK INSPIRATION FROM BEACH VOLLEYBALL TECHNIQUE SINCE WHATEVER THEY'VE BEEN DOING ON DEFENSE FOR THE PAST YEAR OR SO DOESN'T MAKE ANY OTHER SENSE SO NICE JOB TODD. THE OTHER GUY CAUGHT IT. IN VOLLEYBALL THAT'S A FUCKIN' POINT FOR YOU. NICELY DONE.
LOOK AT THOSE PEOPLE LOOKING ON THE JUMBOTRON. OR MAYBE THEY'RE LOOKING AWAY BECAUSE THEY KNOW THAT THE SIGHT OF SO MUCH INSANE GORGEOUS FOOTBALL LUNACY WILL RIP THEIR SKULLS OFF OF THEIR HEADS LIKE DANDELIONS IN THE WIND. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED HERE: THEY ALL DIED, AND NOW ARE IN SOME AFTERLIFE YOU CAN ONLY ACCESS IF YOU DIE IN AUBURN, AND DO SO IN THE MIDST OF A VICTORY THAT RENDS THE UNIVERSE ASUNDER WITH AN AUDIBLE POP, CREATING A RIFT ACROSS SPACE THAT STARTS IN THE STADIUM, AND EXTENDS ACROSS CAMPUS AND STOPS SOMEWHERE AROUND THE JIMMY JOHN'S ON COLLEGE STREET. IT'S A GOOD PLACE THAT SMELLS LIKE BARBECUE SMOKE AND DIP. THEY'RE HAPPIER THERE AND DO NOT MIND DYING AT ALL EVEN THOUGH THEY SAW THIS...
...AND THEN FUCKIN' EXPLODED INTO CLOUDS OF ORANGE AND BLUE CONFETTI.
I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR PAIN SIR. IT IS PAST THE FEEBLE LIMITS OF MY EMOTION ENGINE. EMOTIONAL CARTOONS ABOUT BABY CATS AND DOGS OVERTAX MY SYSTEM. WHAT YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED CANNOT BE PROCESSED BY THIS MACHINE. YOU ARE TRYING TO RUN GRAND THEFT AUTO 5 ON AN N64 RIGHT NOW GEORGIA PLAYER. THIS PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY CANNOT EVEN READ THE THING YOU ARE TRYING TO JAM INTO OUR INPUTS RIGHT NOW. PERHAPS A GAME OF TUROK THE DINOSAUR HUNTER WOULD MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER? YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU TRY. PLEASE DO NOT CLAW YOUR EYEBALLS OUT. YOU MAY NEED THEM LATER.
YES. LAY DOWN. IT IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN HELP AT THIS MOMENT. GET CLOSER TO MOTHER EARTH. SHE HAS SEEN SORROWS AND ABSORBED THE TEARS OF A HUNDRED MILLION MEN. YOURS WILL MEAN NOTHING TO HER AND WILL FALL OFF HER LIKE WATER OFF A DUCK'S BACK. OR A TIPPED PASS OFF THE HANDS OF YOUR DBS INTO A STREAKING AUBURN RECEIVER. I'M SORRY THAT WASN'T FAIR BUT THAT'S A PATTERN HERE IF YOU'LL NOTICE. IN ALABAMA, YOU CAN REMAIN ON THE GROUND CRYING FOR SEVERAL MINUTES BY LAW AS LONG AS THERE'S NO "GAYNESS" INVOLVED. THAT'S THEIR LEGAL TERM, NOT OURS, AND YOU MAY FIND IT IN THEIR CONSTITUTION IN THE SECOND WRITTEN IN BURNT SIENNA CRAYON, NOT IN PERIWINKLE OR WHATEVER THE HELL THAT COLOR WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.
TWO POINT THREE MILLION YEARS OF HUMAN EVOLUTION, ERASED. GEOMETRY'S GREATEST PRANK HAS MADE YOU HOMO HABILIS, FINDING OUT THE HARD WAY WHICH PLANTS ARE POISONOUS AND WHICH ARE NOT. OH GOD IT'S ALL OF THEM. THIS IS THE WORST M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN FILM EVER.
YOU ALMOST KILLED UNCLE VERNE
PEOPLE ARE TAKING PICTURES OF YOU TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE REAL, NICK MARSHALL. A WOMAN YELLS AND DEMANDS PROOF OF YOUR EXISTENCE EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE STANDING JUST INCHES AWAY FROM HER. YOU ARE NOW A WITCH. PROVE THAT YOU AREN'T IF YOU SAY IT'S NOT TRUE.
AAAAAAAHHHHH HE CAUGHT THAT SHIT AND THERE'S A PAINTING
WE DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ABOUT THE YEAR 2013 IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL SO IN CONCLUSION: