NOOOOO! PUT ME DOWN!!!! I TRUSTED YOU, YOU BASTARDS!!!
We're going to be out for our national day of thanks, doing what you're doing: eating, spending time with family, putting out the small fires that result when someone makes the mashed potatoes incorrectly, and then filing police reports when those small fires become felony assault charges between loved ones. (Properly done potatoes are worth court costs, at the very least.)
Because we recorded an entire podcast on this topic last night and lost it due to a busted mike, let's review the important tips for football fans looking to not just survive the holidays, but thrive:
- If you have kids, hint vaguely about the hideous things they will do if allowed to stay up past 7 p.m. Prepare a clear path through which a drive to freedom, and the first quarter of the Egg Bowl, may be easily attained.
- Replace your turkey with a pizza, because no one likes turkey and delivery pizza is the official dish of the United States. Let dad cut it up with your best carving knife, because jesus just look what you're doing to it, Michael J. Fox. Your hands are shakier than a British colonial mapmaker's, man.
- If you have the onerous task of watching a rivalry game you know will only result in emotional pain and mental anguish, be thankful for the small things. Celebrate every successful handoff for a loss of three yards made without a fumble; consider the small pleasures of tackles made downfield that do not go for touchdowns; thank the deity of your choice for the ease of a decisive firing, and the knowledge that things will eventually get better, or that you will die and lose all awareness or concern for life itself, much less a football team.
- When in doubt after trying this and still caring: you could be UVA.
- If you are UVA: you could be Southern Miss.
- If you are Southern Miss: you could be dead.
- If you are dead: you could be Southern Miss.
Be safe, and we will see you on Friday. In the meantime, GET IT:
