WE FORGOT OH MY GOD FOOTBALL THIS WEEKEND MY GOD FOOTBALL
AAAHHHHHHH. Holy shit there are bowl games this weekend, something we forgot until we looked at the bowl schedule and said AAAAAAHHHHHH IS THERE REALLY A BOWL GAME WITH TULANE IN IT. Yes, yes there is, along with Washington State playing in a real, live bowl game (shut up the New Mexico Bowl counts) and what could be a rippin' Famous Idaho Potato Bowl between SDSU and Buffalo. You will watch it because you have no other choice because impending starvation means eating everything on your plate.
HERE COMES COACH GODOT AGAIN. Like clockwork, every year, every time, and without fail, Coach Godot hints at appearing, and then leaves naught but existential despair in his wake.
YOU. Wow, coach, I'm so flattered you wrote down a pronoun and signed it, especially when all we hear after seeing "YOU!" is the rest of "Gay Bar" by Electric Six.
DAMMIT EAST LANSING IS A DESTINATION, HE SAID, LYING. Mark Dantonio says the MSU job is a destination, and if it is 2013 we are going to accept that he is right about this. Please imagine Mark Dantonio in a cowboy hat. Now please attempt to hold down your breakfast after laughing for several minutes straight.
WHY MYLES JACK IS VERY GOOD AT HIS JOB. The Key Play looks at UCLA's 3-4 and explains to you why Jack will never, ever move to running back full time. (Spoiler: it is because he is an invaluable linebacker in UCLA's defensive scheme.)
THAT'S A WASTE OF A PERFECTLY GOOD DILDO. Not everyone escaped the Great Testudo Fire of 2013 unharmed.
ETC: The story of Derek Sheely is so damn sad. Someone in Chicago did this, and was never, ever caught, and shut up we're not talking about murder (this time.) The NFL is full of the bravest anonymous sources on the planet. The 69 Boyz always want to know what you want for Christmas.