MONTE CRISTOS FOR EVERYONE
The Pac-12's Championship game will be held at Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, California starting in 2014. If you are ignorant of Bay Area geography, you should know that the new home of the 49ers is closer to San Jose than it is to San Francisco, and is located in a vibrant, exciting slice of Santa Clara's rich humanity-cake.
Behold mapped evidence of this:
The good news is that Chris Petersen, ever thrifty, can have himself shipped directly to the game. ("That's the only way he'll ever get there," screams a Wazzu fan before drunkenly falling out of the back of a passing truck.) The bad news is that the clean, well-run Pac-12 Championship Game will be happening in a place that is both expensive and not terribly interesting, and that you'll still have to go to in the name of being a servile, unquestioning slave to your team.
Where does this put the Pac-12-- WHO SHOULD TOTALLY NOT NOT HAVE THEIR CHAMPIONSHIP GAME IN LAS VEGAS-- in the rankings of conference championship events? We're so glad you asked.
1. SEC: Atlanta may not be a lot of things but it does guarantee drunkenness, a good meal, and one of the deepest troughs of depravity in the Southeast. In 21st century, Atlanta burns YOU to ground. You might even leave with a free Waffle House, as one in every twenty menus is in fact the deed to a Waffle House currently under construction somewhere else in metro Atlanta.
2. Big Ten: "Oh I don't like Indianapolis and real football should be played outdoors and the divisions are totally unbalanced and why are we putting chipotle on everything now what ever happened to just a plain turkey and cheddar sandwich." Counterpoint: now nobody talks about Ohio State-Michigan being the Most Important Game Of All Human Contests In The Past And Yet To Come.
3. Pac 12: I mean, it's clean and not filled with varmints. That's good for third here, especially because 4th is...
4. Big 12: The trendy pop-up art shop of conference championships. Who needs all the overhead expense of an organized game between the winners of two divisions? The Big 12 Championship Game is SO hip that it might be Bedlam, or a non-conference Baylor game, or maybe it already happened and you didn't hear about it because you're probably just now learning about Haim, idiot.
5. MAC: It's in Detroit, which is like Atlanta in 1865. Also, there's a little-known rule where the team trailing entering the fourth quarter can summon the Balrog to play for them. (Randy Moss still caught three passes over the Balrog in '97.)
6. ACC: Charlotte's not bad, but this conference is doomed until they return to their roots.
Duvaaaaaaaaaaallllllll--
7. Mountain West: Ranked this low because it feels like it could disappear at any moment. This is the local restaurant that you say you should go to because it's important to support small businesses and it looks pretty nice. Eight months later that restaurant has closed and you're just left with regret and whatever new seasonal milkshake Chick-fil-A has dreamed up. (It's Maple Waffle Batter and it is DELICIOUS.)
8. Southern Spa & Salon: Granted, most people just remember last year's Pam-Diana debacle - seriously, Diana, did you even prepare for this game? - but this is a conference championship game that's got passion and free samples of that nice shampoo your wife loves. Plus, Diana's sobered up, or so Shelly claims.
9. NBA Eastern: ain't fair that the Heat don't gotta play the Tide
10. Notre Dame: Even STALIN wasn't too good for a conference, you pompous fucks.