IT'D TAKE LESS THAN 44 MINUTES
[a Dixieland jazz refrain plays]
A courtroom in Oakland, California. Ben Matlock strides to the front of the courtroom.
NCAA counsel: Objection! Opposing counsel is deceased.
Matlock: We gonna let technicalities ruin a good morning, your honor? [smiles 500 watt grin]
Judge: Just this once, Mr. Matlock.
Matlock: I sure do appreciate that, your honor.
[Defense counsel sets self on fire]
Matlock: I'd like to call my first witness: the NCAA.
[NCAA takes the stand]
Matlock: Now, good morning to you. State your name and profession.
NCAA: I'm the NCAA. My job is [mumbles incoherently]
Matlock: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
NCAA: It's hard to explain.
Matlock: I have time for my friends, sir. And we are friends, aren't we?
[five hours pass]
Matlock: Well alright, let's get on to business. Do college sports make money?
NCAA: In some cases, yes.
Matlock: And who sees that money?
NCAA: You know, money has a lot of definitions, and---
Matlock: You paid in money?
NCAA: Yes.
Matlock: And the coaches, they get paid in money?
NCAA: Oh heavens yes.
Matlock: And the student-athlete---
NCAA: They receive a scholarship, and a stipend.
Matlock: Can I buy some DELICIOUS BISCUITS AND A SWEET CADILLAC with that scholarship?
[turns to jury, grins, winks, hands out old fashioned candies like licorice sticks and sarsparilla to all of them without the judge saying a word]
[jury CACKLES]
Maybe get a room at Lake Lanier, rent me a paddleboat and play a little golf while I'm at it?
NCAA: um
Matlock: We're waiting.
[three days elapse]
NCAA: No.
Judge: This trial is over, Jesus that was stupid, let's go home.
[Dixieland jazz plays, credits roll]
