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    The best part of this video: the shirtless bros in hot pants with shaved chests looking at us and going, "This is gay."

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    There is a list of words used in bad sportswriting that, if included, should let you know that whatever you are reading is written for a sixth-grader, and not a particularly intelligent one. This list includes the word class, a word used by bad sportswriters to connote some kind of universal standard of very serious, humorless behavior adults must engage in at all times in order to be considered proper and admirable.

    There is a reason I never, ever use this word: I am an American. We have classes, yes, big, sprawling classes we never talk about because it is deeply uncomfortable and antithetical to the notion of being American. Calling someone "classy" is by extension calling someone else "déclassé," or "reduced for fallen in status." it also makes you sound like a 75-year-old man, and not a particularly smart one. If you're comfortable with that, then there you are.*

    But I'm not into the serious use of a nobility's standards to define anything. If you say someone is "a prince among men," you might assume that means something. I assume it means that person is a total dick, and probably doing nothing to earn the money someone gives him simply for being him. Invoking the word classy is a sad appeal to an insane and dead hierarchy, the last resort of a cornered and defenseless killjoy.

    So if Steve Spurrier wants to throw fish hooks at Clemson in the middle of Marcus Lattimore's birthday celebration--the one they're having because Lattimore has at this point literally given up two healthy knees for the university--then that's fine. What's not fine is getting your war on because Spurrier--heavens!--can, like most adults, process a few things at once in a situation, and do so in the form of a passing aside. In other news, he probably tells jokes at funerals, too.

    Marcus Lattimore rally video || Lattimore injury coverage

    And that's the real crux here when we talk about the word classy. You say it's an inability to conform to a certain standard of adult behavior because we are talking about SERIOUS THINGS when we talk about sports. What we are talking about is sports, a phenomenally unimportant and stupid thing in the grand scheme of things. If I wanted something serious, I would be watching financial news, and not pulling my hair out over Florida's inability to pick up backfield blitzes. Someone telling you to grow up might be very correct in doing so, but there is also this: growing up doesn't mean embracing a theatrical misery in well-ironed clothes seven days out of the week.*

    *Example: "That guy's got a tie and he looks like he would welcome death's sweet embrace. He's clearly worth trusting!"

    The other thick-skulled assumption here is that Steve Spurrier has to demonstrate class by liking Dabo Swinney, or his old nemesis Ray Goff, or anyone else he may genuinely not like. Real maturity is admitting that you don't have to like people, and in fact can dislike them productively. Real maturity--or intelligence, even--would be thinking about how Marcus Lattimore, sitting in his hospital bed with a shattered knee and no real definite answers about his future, probably laughed his ass off at this, and how the entire rivalry that helps put money on the table benefitted as a result.

    I don't feel one way or another about Dan Wetzel. I met him once. He is just a dude, and one that's done fantastic work on deadline. I do hate this column, and any other column relying on the same hoary admonition of "DURR THIS GUY GOTTA MAN UP/GROW UP/SMELL THE COFFEE" that you see applied to Lane Kiffin, Cam Newton, Dwight Howard, Bryce Harper, Tony Stewart, Serena Williams, or any other person with a shred of humanity, humor, or even (yes) large streaks of permanent immaturity.

    This eternally recycled meme is a prince among column-starters: it's judgmental, lazy, and should have its head cut off in front of a cheering crowd of filthy peasants.

    P.S. If you wanted a real moment to excoriate Spurrier, this would have been it, not that. That's a moment when Spurrier did something genuinely reprehensible and begging for criticism, and not this.

    P.P.S. Dabo, for his part, understands this entire game better than anyone writing about it.

    You could read that, laugh, and appreciate it for the light humor it offers while being healthily indifferent, but we have a column to write about how Dabo's OMG TOTALLY SEXIST FOR EMBRACING UNFAIR STANDARDS OF HUMAN BEHAVIOR.

    Check out the SB Nation Channel on YouTube

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    There is no football on tonight, but there is a 30 for 30 on Ole Miss football and integration, and that's practically MACtion with a tangy hint of racism thrown in for good measure. Red Cup Rebellion did a Q and A with Wright Thompson about the documentary, and it's something you should read, but your eyes are saying: isn't that James Woods from the 1996 film Ghosts of Mississippi? Doesn't this film have nothing to do with football? Is James Woods wearing what is quite possibly the worst prosthetic makeup ever placed on a man in a film, and that's saying something considering the horrendous beards in Gettysburg? Does the intersection of "southern historical film" and "Hollywood" always produce "shitty, terrifying makeup?"

    The answers to all these is HOTTY TODDY because Hugh Freeze says so, and no, you cannot get a retweet for your friend's sick child Fromunda Cheese because Hugh Freeze isn't falling for that shit this time.

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  • 10/31/12--07:04: THE CURIOUS INDEX,
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    HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICK SABAN. We got you the most metal birthday present of all for your 61st birthday.

    The actual present Nick Saban woke to this morning: the warm embrace of the ESPN All-Access crew, in town to film the team's preparations for the upcoming matchup with LSU. Later this afternoon, he will receive a colonoscopy as a reward for this, because he will enjoy it more than having a camera crew up in his face for longer than three seconds.

    HOW'S THAT PRO-STYLE OFFENSE GOING? So well that Auburn has decided to start Jonathan Wallace, a quarterback who at the end of the Texas A&M game was running something that looked a lot like the old Malzahn spread. Auburn does play New Mexico State this weekend, so they can take comfort in the fact that even if they do somehow lose to the Aggies, no conference can claim bragging rights over them. (Because New Mexico State has no conference.) (Everyone's just real blessed right now.)

    THE USUAL DISASTER. Bill C examines the playoff we'd have this year, and boy wouldn't it be fun, and instead you get the Cotton Bowl. Houston Nutt says you better take the Cotton Bowl's name out yo mouth, son. He once made it two years in a row, and would be more than happy to tell you about it.


    CHIP KELLY DOUBLE STACKIN'. Chip Kelly uses the double stack because of course Chip Kelly uses the double stack.

    ETC: Waffle House just improves lives daily, often in ways you could not have possibly expected. Make your own Four Loko, and taste the delicious red flavor.

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    And we're off. Oh, Matt Murschel of the Orlando Sentinel. You are not worst, but you do happen to be first.

    After spending the last two seasons in NCAA postseason exile, USC is ready to reinvent itself and rise to challenge the SEC for gridiron dominance.

    In the immortal words of Randy Newman, "I Love L.A."

    That's right. The Trojans are my pick to snap the SEC's dominance and win it all this year.

    Oh, Captain Foresight, sure you saw it coming. But it sounded right, yes? There was a Matt Barkley, and a Robert Woods, and then a Silas Redd all wearing USC colors and sounding really, really great in theory. Even after a loss to Stanford it still seemed probable, since Stanford uses seven tight ends on every play, are very smart, and probably used holograms or some other Google-sponsored tech sorcery to confuse Matt Barkley and blind their backup center.

    Boeing. An engineer from Boeing once allegedly said of the company's 247 model: "There will never be a bigger plane built," so know that being wrong about a college football team is nothing compared to other great inaccurate predictions one could be making. The 247 carried ten passengers in flight, while the Airbus 380 carries up to 853. Ask Monte Kiffin about the 247's smooth ride though, since he flew one back in 19 hundred and thirty-seven. It's funny because he's old, and has more money and experience than you do!

    Casteel. So USC loses a 39-36 shootout this past weekend to Arizona, something far less explicable than a loss to Stanford because Stanford is widely understood to be good, while Arizona just fired Mike Stoops and has, for the better part of its existence, been the Arizona Wildcats football team. They are currently a good variation of Arizona football: 5-3, approaching bowl eligibility, and enjoying the fruits of the Rich Rodriguez/Jeff Casteel reunion, the one Michigan fans were robbed of in favor of pairing Rodriguez with Greg Robinson.

    Domino's. Somewhere in a nightmare for Michigan fans, a knock arrives at the door. The door opens, and Rich Rodriguez steps up with a fresh pie and bread sticks and a bid to the Holiday Bowl and says: This one's free, old friend. The Michigan man and Rich Rodriguez have a moment, and the moment is broken as soon as Brady Hoke bellows from the couch "HEY HONEY THE ALAMO BOWL'S ON. IT'S TREMENDOUS." Taillights fade into the night, and the Michigan man wakes to the sound of his own screams.

    Edmund Burke. The lesson from USC losing to Rich Rodriguez's new and improved Arizona team and Stanford, just a few months after carrying the mantle of some national title picks? Shouts out to 18th century curmudgeons, yo:

    You can never plan the future by the past.

    Edmund Burke is really quotable with reason: he was a pessimist, and pessimists are always right. USC lacked the depth to run the table, and injuries exacerbated the situation. Lane Kiffin did that thing where he forgets the run game, Matt Barkley started to do too much, and the defense gave up crucial passing plays when it could least afford them in both of their losses.

    That's the worst thing about predictions and about Burke's epigram: you cannot plan the future by the past, and yet only have the past to use as any indication of what is going to happen in the future. Edmund Burke does not have any quotes about turning the ball over five times unless you count "Never despair, but if you do, work on in despair." (And after watching Florida turn the ball over six times against Georgia, we do.)

    Freakness. All that said: Marqise Lee going for 345 on 16 catches with two TDs is something the most constipated skeptic would have to resort to astonished profanities to properly describe.


    The superpower of flight: awe-inspiring, and yet still not enough to beat a 4-3 Arizona team.

    Grover. As in Cleveland, who said this with all certainty in 1905:

    Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.

    Grover Cleveland was also the only President who hanged someone personally, or at least the only one who did it on the record. And being on the record is always the most important thing, even if it's uncomfortable in retrospect. Phil Steele, please stand up:

    TY FSU has 17 st'rs back and were #3 in the ACC LY at +77.8 ypg despite their 5-3 finish. LY I went against the grain picking the tm with the best D in the country (Alabama) to win the Nat'l Title and the Tide delivered. TY FSU has the best D in the country and all 9 sets of my power ratings are calling for a perfect 12-0 season.

    You can't be too mad here. No one could have predicted life throwing a wild Tom O'Brien-shaped spanner in the works, except everyone who watched FSU inexplicably lose a road game in the ACC over the past 10 years. The tenth power ranking is always "verified superstition."

    Helpful. A short list of those verified superstitions about teams follows.

    • Florida State will always lose a road game in the ACC for no reason.
    • Notre Dame will be underrated or overrated, but never, ever properly rated.
    • Iowa State will beat someone they have zero business beating.
    • The SEC will flop in at least one bowl game against Michigan State or Wisconsin.
    • Play an underdog Tommy Tuberville as a top-five team and DIE.

    Immaculate. The cleanliness of A.J. McCarron's INT column has been widely noted. Please note that Louisiana Tech's Colby Cameron has also thrown zero picks on the year despite throwing the ball 142 more times than McCarron. (319 to 177 in attempts on the year.) That's hard to do in casual pass drills, much less in actual competition.

    Ja, ja. The best quarterback in Mississippi State's recent history is Tyler Russell, an accurate, intelligent passer with precise touch and a near-total handle on what Dan Mullen's offense does on a football field. He was 15-30 with zero TDs and one INT on the day against Alabama's defense on Saturday, because even the best to come along in a while still has to play the Alabama defense, and when that happens you will look pretty much like everyone else who attempted to play quarterback against the Tide this season.

    KTFO. The only quarterbacks with passing TDs against Alabama this season: Denard Robinson of Michigan, backup QB Dak Prescott of Mississippi State, and QB Graham Wilbert of Florida Atlantic. Obvious answer to Alabama's defensive challenge: start your backup, and hope they put in their third string out of habit.*

    *Fun fact: they won't!

    Lean. A sloppy, defensive-minded game in the SEC is nothing unusual. What is unusual is how badly Florida got pushed off the ball at the line of scrimmage against Georgia after leaning hard on teams in the second half successfully for most of the season. Florida's major opponent left on the schedule is Florida State, who if you have not heard starts a 270-pound German armored personnel carrier on the defensive line. As ugly as last year's FSU/Florida game was, this one could be even harder on the eyes, even if there isn't a John Brantley around to throw into quadruple coverage.*

    *This really happened.

    Manball. Let's check in on the Big Ten's season so far with this helpful highlight video.

    I opened five of these at once just to see what it would sound like. It sounded like a guitarist tuning up in a swamp full of bullfrogs, and then I was in that swamp, and then I was a bullfrog in a sack held by Jerry Kill. I'm saying you should not do what I've done, especially the part where you open five windows of this once and start hallucinating.

    None. As in the clues anyone should have about the ACC. This is why. Maryland recently lost their fifth-string quarterback to an ACL tear, and will now have to start linebacker Shawn Petty at quarterback. Despite losing FIVE QUARTERBACKS IN A SINGLE SEASON, Maryland is 4-4. This is either the worst thing you could ever say about a conference, or the best thing you could say about a coach who had a third of his roster flee the premises this offseason. This being the ACC, it's probably a bit of both.

    Oppugnant. Hostile, antagonistic, as in "What possible reason did thirty-plus people have as Oregon fans in a 70-14 win over Colorado to get thrown out of Autzen Stadium for fighting?" ("Judge, we had to watch Colorado play football." "CHARGES DISMISSED.")

    Pawned. As in, what happened to little Logan Thomas Heisman figurines you might have made in advance for 2012. Your turn, Heather Dinich!

    2. Virginia Tech quarterback Logan Thomas. Historically, the Heisman candidates play for winning teams, and once again, the Hokies have been picked by the media to win the Coastal Division. There’s not as much national buzz around this team, though, as there is around Florida State. Thomas could help change that. He has a better understanding of the offense now that he’s in his second season as a starter, and he is much more comfortable.

    Thomas has 13 TDs to 10 INTs, has never really gotten into the groove he found last year, and cratered in a three-interception performance at Pitt. To be fair, Dinich was spot on with her number one pick for a Heisman candidate from the ACC, E.J. Manuel, when she said his name was "E.J. Manuel," and that he played quarterback for Florida State.

    Quarter. As in giving some, and allowing writers to not write regrettable preseason predictions. I am fully in favor of this, and this is why.

    Remedial. I totally wrote this in 2010.

    5. Washington. Polling is boooooooooring, so we're throwing a purple smoke bomb in the door of the party. We long for the days of the pre-USC Pac-10 when anarchy ruled, a new team rose to snag a title out of the air with tons of points and occasional stops on defense, and even a dude like Bruce Snyder could grab a Pac-10 title if he stuck his hand in the automat door at the right instant. Year two is the new year three, Jake Locker is the new Jake Plummer, and Steve Sarkisian goes to the Rose Bowl in the second edition of the revamped carousel Pac-10. Sometimes you have to split twos just to see if the nine-ten-stay-nine-ten-stay streak really can happen. We're the drunk Irish tourists at the casino here. Do your worst, dealer.

    Sark Week. Washington would finish 7-6 including a humiliating 41-0 loss to Stanford and a truly strange loss to BYU. Never make predictions, and especially don't make predictions based on sheer boredom. (Hint: all of our preseason predictions are based on boredom.)

    Tulsa. Even Arkansas' cupcake games are not cupcake games this year, and that's really bad because the John L. Smith Experience is still happening in Fayetteville. Tulsa is no slouch, and then it just gets worse with a finishing streak of South Carolina, Mississippi State, and LSU. I recommend drinking in general, and especially so for you, Razorback fans.

    Unblocked. Tulsa also makes viewing easy. If you don't know who made a tackle in a Tulsa game, it was LB DeAndre Hopkins, he of the 58 solo tackles and eight sacks.

    V-neck. They're comfortable and show off the man-shag, and if they help Kliff Kingsbury coach the Aggies to 50 points a game, you let the man wear a danged V-neck. When he starts wearing a sarong on the sidelines next year it will be weird at first, but a) fifty points a game, and b) it does let a man's undercarriage breathe in the punishing Texas heat like nothing else.

    Weeden. The Heisman candidate and undefeated quarterback who walked into a karmic buzzsaw against Iowa State last year, ending the Cowboys' chances at a national title against an Iowa State team who later lost to Rutgers in a bowl game. OK State has a chance to return the favor against Kansas State this weekend in a game that the Wildcats could lose. (They could. We checked the rulebook and everything. K-State, Oregon, Alabama, and Notre Dame could all still lose football games.)

    Xyst. A covered workout area used by ancient Greeks, who clearly understood building quality facilities two millennia before college football did.

    Yeeesh. USF is 2-6, winless in the Big East, and why did anyone ever look at Skip Holtz's East Carolina teams and think, "Now, THAT'S the doctor right there!" They play Connecticut this weekend, and if you watch these teams play college football you will literally die from the pain. Arrange your personal affairs appropriately.

    Zapp and Roger. We've only got five weeks left with the regular season. Let's all tell college football how special she is, preferably using a sweet Zapp and Roger talk box while we declare our love.

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    We didn't write much about Notre Dame this week. With a GIF like this, you really don't need to.

    BETA. We also really didn't focus much on Alabama/LSU because this is the same game of thumping margin-ball every time it's played between these two teams. The fascinating wrinkle this year is AJ McCarron possibly being forced to pass a bit more than he usually does. That's neat! Zach Mettenberger might be forced to pass, too. That's neat in a totally different and horrifying way!

    GAMMA. As bad as Boise's looked, they are 7-1 and undefeated in conference play. Chris Petersen is never leaving Boise, so don't even start to think about it, Tennessee. GRUDEN'S YOUR MAN HAHHAHAHHAHA THIS GUY IS COMING TO YOUR CITTAAAYYYYY.

    DELTA. We remain East Coast Bias skeptics, but if Marcus Mariota were playing in the SEC or the Big 12 there would be babies with his Sharpie'd signatures all over them in flyover states. He's already thrown for 18 TDs despite playing 3/4 of games for most of the season, and hasn't even really begun to show off his ground game. It's horrifying and unfair and that is a simlie for both "random Ebola outbreaks" and "Chip Kelly football."

    EPSILON. The Pac-12 has the late shift boiling all kinds of volatile and unsafe things at high temperatures this week: Oregon State hosts Arizona State, and Arizona goes to UCLA. Two hundred points will be divided between these two games. Share nicely, everyone.

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    Disney, parent company of ESPN, now owns Lucasfilm, parent company of the Star Wars franchises. There will be crossovers between the two universes, and they will be more disturbing than you even imagined.

    1. Chris Berman gives you four words: Jedi appetizers at Applebee's.

    2. Ron Jaworski breaks down droid film. "This droid misses his assignment and rams into a door for five hours straight. NOT ELITE DROIDENING."

    3. Tom Rinaldi narrates opening scroll, reduces crowd to tears

    4. "Obi-Wan KenOberkfell" reference that Chris Berman has been patiently sitting on for 20 years

    5. John Clayton as C3PO, if they can make him less yellow

    6. "STAY ON TARGET! STAY ON TARGET!" --Doomed Y-wing bro always offered seat on Around the Horn

    7. Skip Bayless assumes role of Grand Moff Tarkin, destroys planets with HOT SPORTS TAKES

    8. Film-within-film "30 For 30" opens with line, "What if I told you a laser could destroy Alderaan?"

    9. Same three guitar solos all over the place for some reason during action sequences

    10. Lee Corso retires and is replaced by Admiral Ackbar and his TRAP GAME OF THE WEEK

    11. A-Rod blamed for persistent shield failures at Death Star

    12. Salacious B. Crumb fired for nude cellphone pics obtained and published by

    13. [A Wookiee hits a droid with a stick] Berman: "He hit that one to CORUSCANT"

    14. Jabba the Hutt replaced with Woody Paige's head; no one notices

    15. Lou Holtz replaced by Henson marionette; no one notices

    16. Todd McShay's exclusive power Star Wars power rankings. "Yoda. Total lack of size or strength. Undraftable."

    17. Seth Myers keeps showing up to make sports jokes for no reason

    18. Tatooine made official home planet of the X-Games

    19. Stuart Scott introduced as a bounty hunter who is "cooler than the other side of the space-pillow"

    20. Sage Steel and Hannah Storm revealed as Jedi council members, suddenly making their names make sense

    21. Even a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away there is no hockey coverage

    22. Rebel forces take refuge in "Longhorn Network System," are never seen again

    23. Uproar breaks out when Stephen A. Smith drops a racial epithet live on air with Jar-Jar Binks


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  • 11/01/12--06:07: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 11/1/2012
  • Az2ww_medium

    DOOM. This Week in Schadenfreude is usually amazing, but godDAMN, Cal. That's a new bottom.


    It may seem like there's no hope at this point in what has to be Jeff Tedford's final season, but there is this: Keenan Allen might be injured and unable to play for the Washington game because of a meaningless onside kick in the Oregon State game. That makes things worse, actually, but we said it simply "was," not that you would feel any better about it after reading it, Cal fan.

    I KNOW THE WORDS I KNOW. Once/if he decides to retire, we would pay good money for a reality show called "Nick Saban interacts with the outside world."

    On the Southeastern Conference coaches’ teleconference, I asked the Alabama football kingpin how he felt about being called a curmudgeon. I’d read it from another writer in reference to Saban about a month ago, and I’d thought it myself about Saban maybe 200 times prior to that.

    "I don't know what that word means," Saban responded flatly.

    The rest of the article details Nick Saban's terrifying interview protocols, something that totally explains why Nick Saban had Samantha Steele do her interview in ridealong fashion because there is no time for any of this shit, ever. (The interview where he admitted to forgetting his birthday.)

    WE'RE SURE JIM MORA ISN'T ACTUALLY SAYING I WAS RIIIIIIIIIIGHT OUT LOUD. No wait he probably is because he's Jim Mora.

    CATLAAAAAAAAAAB. Notre Dame gets the prairie LSD treatment. Spoiler: there are old people.


    THAT'S ACTUALLY SORT OF WHAT WE THOUGHT. The 30 for 30 Ghosts of Ole Miss was both gripping and flawed, something the AV Club review gets at here. (Going two hours probably would have alleviated a lot of that, since it feels like they ran out of room fast in an hour.)

    THERE IS NO WAY WE ARE PUTTING MONEY ON MEMPHIS. Even if numbers smarter than we'll ever be say we should.

    PROFILES IN PROFITEROLES. Holly's got a superb profile of Fresno State's Phillip Thomas, the safety who quietly leads FBS in total interceptions.

    YOUR NATIONAL FORCED FUMBLES LEADER? Um, the indescribably famous Frank Weymiller of Coe College, seen here in a really shitty local news spot.

    NEVER TOO YOUNG TO RECRUIT. David Cutcliffe has gone too far with youth recruiting, we say. AN OUTRAGE, WE SAY.

    ETC: This is a fine costume, sir. Your relatives must be terrifying, Tyron Smith. This is far, far too accurate for us to be comfortable with.

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    1. Is this man's proper name "Cornbread?" No, it is not. His given name is Cornelius, per Kentucky Wesleyan University SID Roy Pickerill. "Cornbread" is a nickname.
    2. Does anyone actually call him "Cornbread?" Yes, but many people at KWU just call him "Bread" for short.
    3. How did he get this nickname? He loved his grandmother's cornbread to the point where it became his preferred name as a young child.
    4. Does this man love Cornbread more than you do? Yes. Cornelius Walker likes cornbread more than you ever possibly could. (Via.)

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    A: By getting a bar-brawling and talented redshirt freshman, putting him in the Air Raid, and then watching him solve crimes like he was a weed-smoking, snack-stealing Great Dane, that's how. Mike Glennon as T.O.B. is nice, but Manziel wins strictly for situational awareness and versatility in costume. Please note in the above picture, he's in full Scooby: jolly, laughing, and clearly enjoying prize pony status in a college town.

    And in this picture--warning! contains EXPOSED FEMALE BUTTOCK--he's showing the versatility of the outfit, lowering the hood to say no, baby, I know that looks like a dog walking on its hind legs, but it's really me, Johnny Manziel, aka "Johnny Football." I know! It's crazy how good costumes are these days. I lowered this hood just for you, girl. Let's talk about some mysteries we can solve together. You know, like meddling kids do.

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    Part of the fun of college athletics will always be the debate surrounding it. "Is this team better than another?" "Who is the greatest college football player of all time?" "What is your favorite mascot?" The color and passion of our fans makes this sport so great.

    I appreciate it. So does the entire Auburn family.

    This week, Steve Spurrier suggested Alabama could beat some NFL teams. I know Steve. I respect Steve. Steve likes to joke about things. I am certain he was joking in this case.

    Still, since many have asked me this question, I will answer. I feel certain in saying this.

    Auburn University could not beat an NFL team in a game of football.

    This is impossible for many reasons. First, NFL teams are bigger, faster, and stronger at every position. Unlike student-athletes, they have all week to hone their craft. They do not have class to attend. They are not limited by NCAA rules regarding practice time.

    For these reasons alone, any NFL team could beat any college team on the field of play.

    In Auburn's case this is true for many reasons.

    For example, at one point this season, we started Clint Moseley at quarterback because he was our best option. I respect Clint as a competitor, and as a man. He would be my first option for many things: son-in-law, business partner, employee, and friend. One of these things is not being a starting quarterback in the SEC.

    Furthermore, in the Arkansas game, our offense rushed for only 40 yards against the Razorbacks. This is a team that lost to Rutgers at home. Ole Miss and Vanderbilt beat us. We only scored 21 points against Texas A&M. (They scored 63.)

    I have a list of teams that are behind us in total offense, nationally speaking. Here is that list:





    There are no names. We are last, 120th in college football, in total offense. In the NFL, I am afraid the Auburn offense would give up three safeties, perhaps four, a game. I fear that sometimes now.

    Clint Moseley. Was. Our. Starter.*

    Defensively, the mismatches would be appalling. I believe the Lord has a plan for us all, and God willing, Johnny Manziel's is to be broken in half in the NFL by a 270 pound linebacker who runs a 4.5. But if he did that to our defense, imagine what Mike Vick could do. That Mike Vick, the one who lost his job to Nick Foles.

    Matt Ryan could run the zone read and gain one hundred yards on us. I have just now taken a moment to imagine this very. It is funnier than I would like it to be. Try it. You will probably laugh in your comfortable office chair thinking about it, too. Laughter is important. Do not forget to enjoy it several times a week for your health.

    I feel so confident in saying this that I would guarantee any of the following things in any scenario between Auburn football and a professional football team.

    • We would play in a manner that would make Auburn University and the Auburn University family proud of our effort.
    • We would bring pride with our style of play.
    • The Auburn football team would approach every play with the dedication our students bring to every day on the campus of Auburn University.
    • We would lose by eighty points to a team coached by Norv Turner.

    Having said this: I feel confident we could compete in the kicking game. We have not missed a PAT all season, and have made all fourteen attempted.

    Oregon has not missed a PAT either. They have attempted 55 of them in the year 2012.

    Have a blessed day,

    Gene Chizik

    *1-0 against Florida, however.

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    White woman with dreadlocks bemoaning lack of vegan options

    People with a favorite farm in the Hudson valley

    Bill Murray

    Sesame Street's Elmo and his second wife Tabitha

    Man with Brooklyn Nets neck tattoo featuring at least two typos

    Matt Ufford

    Women who live in Hoboken who can't shut up about their horses

    Will Forte, who will be greeted by everyone walking by with, "Oh shit, it's Bill Hader!"

    La Leche League members breastfeeding directly behind opponent's basket

    3,491 bros who had to leave their Chrome messenger bags at the gate

    People who have actually read Infinite Jest

    People who have lied about reading Infinite Jest

    A New York Times reporter who has never been over the Williamsburg Bridge writing about "Brook-lyn"

    Brooklyn native The Man In The Yellow Hat and his new monkey, "I'm Not Curious And Therefore Not Dead After Getting Involved In A Drug Deal Fred"

    One confused-looking 50-year-old man holding a "REINSTATE LANCE ARMSTRONG" sign

    All the hooded sweatshirts.

    Ken Jeong

    Assorted Van Gundys

    U-God, sitting by himself in upper pavilion of seats he has cordoned off in attempt to catch foul basketball

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    The Factor Five, as always, determines the winner of the Thursday night game with a mix of five different extremely unscientific factors: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity, Mascot, Aura, Names, and Grudges/Scores to Settle/Sheer Cussedness.

    Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. Miami is 119th in rushing defense. There are 120 teams in the nation, and Miami is 119th in the category of allowing teams not to run by them with the ball in their hands toward their own endzone. Al Golden said he would watch the cows during your kegger. This is what happens when Al Golden watches the cows during your kegger.


    Call the cops, bitch. See if we care.

    That may be the only really relevant stat here. This is a game involving Virginia Tech, and Virginia Tech under Frank Beamer would prefer to run the ball on every down possible until you stop them. Miami cannot stop them, and that is why the Hurricanes' best strategy would be to let the Hokies' running backs through, allow them to sprint into the empty stands of ProSharkLifeSunPlayerStadium, and fall into the dimensional vortex that has swallowed 80% of the Hurricanes' home attendance.

    ADVANTAGE: Virginia Tech


    Mascot. On one side we have the Hokie Bird, mascot king of the bench press and the inappropriate gym erection. On the other, we have one of the few mascots who have both appeared in public with an AK-47 and been arrested in the course of doing their duties.


    When someone says, DURRR NFL RULZ, just show them this. If they do not understand, terminate your friendship immediately.

    We would call this a tie--that Turkey is pushing a lot of weight with good form--but Miami breaks the tie only by once having a boxer who flew planes as their mascot. He disappeared running a load of cash back to to the Cali cartel in '78, and was replaced by Sebastian shortly thereafter.


    Keep customs off my ass and I'll make it worth your while, lady.

    ADVANTAGE: Miami


    Aura. SunLife stadium is unquestionably the worst major stadium in BCS football, a hexagonal horcrux containing a fragment of the soul of what used to be two franchises, Miamis Hurricane and Dolphin. The press boxes are labyrinthine and appear to be wired to support a really advanced 1982 Dolby Soundsystem, and not an actual internet-friendly press operation. Devoid of shade, the stadium dares people to get there from Miami in less than one hour from downtown, and then to not get lost forever in the Everglades after you suffer heatstroke after two quarters of football. The name is sold to someone else every year, thus degrading the value of the stadium's name each time by forcing people to remember its latest stupid fucking name.

    It has working bathrooms, abundant parking, and working lights. These are its only advantages over the old Orange Bowl, the now-demolished totem of Miami's bygone greatness. It also won't catch on fire during a game, and that's sort of a shame. It would be no real loss if it did.

    Advantage: Virginia Tech




    Vaughn Telemaque

    Gray Crow

    Thurston Armbrister

    Nantambu Akil-Fentress

    JaWand Blue

    Virginia Tech

    Jeron Gouveia-Winslow

    E.L. Smiling

    Donaldven Manning

    Dadi Nicolas

    David Wang

    Advantage: Miami in a landslide


    Grudges/Scores to Settle/Sheer Cussedness. VT has won three in a row at this point and seven of the last nine, but this is the Coastal Division, and you know what they say about the ACC Coastal:


    A win here takes VT to 3-2 in the Coastal, and places them right back in the race to get back to Charlotte for a shot at the ACC title. These two teams do not like each other a lot, mostly because both blame each other for having to drive an hour north of Miami to play a football game in a giant cursed piece of concrete Cracklin' Oat Bran.

    Advantage: Virginia Tech


    SUMMARY JUDGMENT: 3-2 means the Factor Five lands firmly in the corner of Virginia Tech. We're okay with that if the Hokie Bird does something about that erection because come on dude, that's like, not even cool in Rick Muscles' Gymnasium sponsored by Unnatural Boner.

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  • 11/02/12--06:47: THE CURIOUS INDEX, 11/2/2012
  • 136569297

    RANDY STAPLES UP IN THIS PIECE. The mustache starts to sag at the end, and that makes it better because bad prosthetics are always funny.

    The internet has helped get Jay Mariotti off your television screens and Randy Staples onto your computer. You really owe the internet for a lot of very wonderful things. Write it a thank-you note one of these days and address it to "The Internet." It'll get there, we promise.

    NUMBERS AND MATH ARE ALL LIES. Miami went 1-12 on third down last night and still beat Virginia Tech, something we watched and still can't understand. We're in good company: neither can Virginia Tech fans.

    DAMMIT PITT. Three members of the Pitt football team are being charged with assault in an incident that could keep the three off the field for the game against Notre Dame this weekend. The three include wideout Devin Street and Ray Graham, two starters who are major cogs in the Pitt offense. Tino Sunseri will just have to do it alone, then. (Just more fuel for Gary Danielson's SEC Boner file.)

    IT'S YOUR CAR. This isn't ruining a Lamborghini. It's making it faster, dude.

    Hey, look, people on the internet talking about cars like assholes. There are horrible people on the internet, and then there are people who transparently display their deepest insecurities in veiled arguments about cars and what should be done with cars. If you can afford a Lamborghini guess what you have to do with it? WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT, ASSHOLE. We hope someone who was really disturbed by this has to watch this car's owner tailgate out of the back of it in Baton Rouge, and then gape in disgust as the owner peels out in the mud while driving a $200K car and eating a greasy hamburger without using napkins in the driver seat. CAR PEOPLE ARE HORSE PEOPLE BUT WORSE BECAUSE THEY THINK THE CARS ARE MAGICAL AND RUB WEALTH AND PRESTIGE OFF ON THEM LIKE CLUB GLITTER. Fuck them. Fuck them all forever, preferably in the back of a Pontiac Aztek with the horrible tent up and flapping around uselessly on the back.

    ALABAMA IS STILL TERRIFYING. Hinton is right, as he usually is. Bill C observes another football death machine and finds that USC could still spoil Oregon's best team yet, which would be the most Lane Kiffin thing ever.

    RACIST-ASS BOTTLE. Pffft. Of course you gotta bring race into the theme bottle, Maker's Mark.

    NEVER TAKE AIR FORCE LIGHTLY. In football, or in life, because these are men who will bite each other in brawls that start over snow frolics.

    ETC: The single best collection of infomercial failure GIFs is basically what we imagine humanity to be as a community. Ravin' in '97 meant lots and lots of gum-chewing. No one is asking the question "where the hell do you get a drone?"

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    It's been a strange year for Gary Pinkel: personal issues with a capital PERSONAL ISSUES, a switch to a new conference, and a team afflicted by an injury bug the CDC would describe as "buck-nasty." They have already experienced the agony and ecstasy of being a proper SEC East member in their first year, losing to Vanderbilt, but still falling back on the comfort food of beating the division's most reliably pummelable team, Kentucky.

    They made a t-shirt to commemorate this victory. In any other year we might mock them, but given the stressing of Berks and run on ACLs in their depth chart, shit, go ahead. It says W on the board, and Kentucky's going to be taking it out of your ass later this year in an indoor sport only you and Kentucky really care about, so go ahead. Make a shirt. Order an ice cream cake, and then wonder why you did because ice cream cakes are really just fascist ice cream sculptures when all you really wanted was a big, drunkenly scooped bowl of late night ice cream.*

    *As with the Dan Rubenstein Rule vis-a-vis pancakes: let someone else order ice cream cakes. Also, food is imaginary after 10 p.m., and does not count towards total calories consumed.

    The Tigers play Florida in Gainesville this weekend, and the depth chart comparison alone gives advantages at size, speed, and experience at every position. They also face a Florida team fresh off their first loss of the season, meaning guess who gets to taste the wrath yes that's you, Mizzou. It might suck, and it might suck deeply, but know this: sometimes, you meet one person, and then your world changes completely.

    That beautiful lady is the BBVA Compass Bowl, and waking up to her will be more magical than imagined. She sleeps in Legion Field, so know you definitely are getting bed bugs. Be ready to throw out all your clothes afterward.

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    Washington vs. Cal

    If you are watching Cal football, TAKE A SHOT OF BLEACH WHILE BARKING LIKE A DOG. The size of that shot should be THE ENTIRE BOTTLE.

    Temple at Louisville


    Mizzou at Florida

    You'd think this would be red wine because Gary Pinkel got a DUI, but you'd be wrong because HE'S IN A FRANZIA MODE RIGHT NOW. If Mizzou loses another starter due to injury, you have to BITE THE BAG OPEN and DRINK IT LIKE A VAMPIRE WHILE YELLING BLAH BLAH I'M IN TWILIGHT SUCK MY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK.

    Oklahoma at Iowa State

    In honor of Paul Rhoads and the rioting demons of Ames you gotta keep this so real and proud. If Iowa State upsets Oklahoma, DRINK A CAN OF PEPPER SPRAY while DOING WII FITNESS and yelling I'M SO PROUD OF THIS YOGA MAT RIGHT NOW. If Steele Jantz is sacked, BUTTCHUG A FORTY OF STEEL RESERVE and then CALL AN AMBULANCE because YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE.

    Texas A&M at Mississippi State

    The Agpocalypse! If Mississippi State makes a big play, PUT A SHEEP IN A BLENDER and then ADD RUMPLE MINZE because without it SHEEP IS UNDRINKABLE AND MINT ALWAYS GOES WITH LAMB. If Texas A&M makes a big play, then DRINK A GUN.

    Illinois at Ohio State.

    Just go ahead and finish slamming down that bottle of ANISE-FLAVORED SCOTCHGUARD. Why? You're the one watching Illinois-Ohio State. Also, can RON ZOOK STAY ON YOUR COUCH for just like the next 6 weeks or so? He's living the ALL FREEDOM LIFESTYLE. If Illinois scores, do a KEG STAND OVER A NATURALLY OCCURRING GEYSER.

    Ole Miss at Georgia

    Hugh Freeze and Mark Richt alike haven't consumed anything not solid since their 16th birthdays because Jesus never mentioned any liquids other than water and wine, the consumption of both which are pretty clearly sins. If you can't figure out how to EAT A CHICK-FIL-A LEMONADE WITH A PLASTIC KNIFE AND FORK you just don't have enough faith that a higher power is going to help you figure it out. If Ole Miss kicks a forty plus yard field goal, DO SHOOTERS OF PURE FLUORINE AND BREATHE THE BREATH OF A FIERY GOAT-DEITY FOR THE FIRST AND LAST TIME.

    Oregon at USC.

    Pour TWO FIVE HOUR ENERGIES into a venti triple Red Eye and then chase it with A RED BULL AND ATIVAN COCKTAIL. Your reality is still only 1/8th the speed Chip Kelly operates at all times. Hands shaking? Pupils dilated? Sounds like even your central nervous system's quit on Lane Kiffin. If Marqise Lee has over 200 yard receiving, POUR YOURSELF A TALL GLASS OF HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE not because USC uses it but because DR DRE BATHES IN IT and he lives JUST DOWN THE ROAD IN A HOUSE MADE OF BEATS HEADPHONES.

    Stanford at Colorado


    TCU at West Virginia

    TCU at West Virginia. Alcohol? Dana Holgorsen's POST ALCOHOL, and you should be too. Alkanes are the wave of the future. Take a whiff of this. What's a matter, yuppie boy? Can't handle the ATMOSPHERE OF JUPITER poured into A SOLO CUP LINED WITH POLONIUM? You'll have to if WEST VIRGINIA SCORES OVER FORTY POINTS. If TCU wins, everyone does shots of GARY PATTERSON'S VISOR SWEAT. It will give you the power to VOMIT UP GARY PATTERSON'S VISOR SWEAT.

    Pittsburgh at Notre Dame

    Drink this holy water*. What's that sensation? AN ASSAULT OF YOUR SENSES. Go to jail , but don't worry; you won't miss the game! *=holy water may or may not just be MUDDY WATER FROM THE ALLEGHENY RIVER. If Gary Danielson says anything about this game afterwards, DRINK ANYTHING THINKING ABOUT HOW GARY DANIELSON USED TO BE GOOD AT HIS JOB.

    Nebraska at Michigan State.

    If Taylor Martinez passes for over 300 yards then FINISH YOUR DRINK, but only if your drink IS THE BLOOD OF BOB DEVANEY MIXED WITH FRESCA FOR TASTE. If Michigan State throws for more than one touchdown, DRINK WHATEVER YOU WANT because YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD.

    Clemson at Duke


    Oklahoma State at Kansas State

    If Kansas State wants you to drink anything in this game, do not trust them because COLLIN KLEIN DIDN'T EVEN KISS HIS WIFE BEFORE MARRIAGE, so they're not big on TASTING THINGS AHEAD OF TIME. Oklahoma State is known for their offense, so if they happen to get an INT, sack, or safety on defense, then you must OPEN A CAN OF ETHER and watch the rest of the game SITTING IN A COZY COUPE AND LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY.

    Alabama at LSU


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    1. Alabama. The Tigers outgained the Tide on the night. LSU QB Zach Mettenberger played the best game he will ever play as a college football player. A.J. McCarron was, for 58 minutes or so, a shambling mess with little resemblance to the efficient, error-free machine he had been in the previous eight games. The Alabama defense was, for long stretches, pushed around the field like--ewww--a college defense. This is the kind of game you expect to lose, but Les Miles isn't about your "expectations," kid. 21-17, Alabama. (Is Les Miles currently slashing his own tires? Yes, yes he is, because SURPRISES.)

    2. Oregon. Both teams punted once each on the night in a 62-51 Oregon victory over USC. The rest: 1,357 yards of offense, 70 first downs between the two teams, and Monte Kiffin admitting afterwards that Oregon's 730 yards of total offense was something he hadn't ever heard of in a football game. Monte Kiffin has been coaching football since 1966. His sample size to compare this game with renders this opinion definitive. Kenjon Barner's 321 yards and five touchdowns are just astonishing supporting evidence to add to the general case for Oregon being utterly terrifying.

    BCS projection: Can Oregon pass two in one week? || Bowl projections for all 35 games

    3. Kansas State. A 44-30 victory over Oklahoma State may be overshadowed by an undisclosed injury to Collin Klein. Klein accounts for around 80 percent of Kansas State's total offensive production on the year. None of this bodes well for K-State's immediate future as a national title contender, but Bill Snyder will probably deal with Klein's injury the way he was raised to deal with injuries: leeches, chewing tobacco poultices, and positive thinking. (I have confused Bill Snyder with a frontier doctor born in 1834. OR HAVE I?)

    4. Notre Dame. Doubters may denigrate the 29-26 triple OT win over Pitt. Before you do, though, consider this: when was the last time you saw a team finish a triple OT game without either team breaking the 30-point threshold? Never say this Notre Dame team isn't capable of miracles.

    5. LSU. Not only crossed the 50-yard line, but gained 435 yards against Alabama in their 21-17 loss. Those are moral victories, and may be exchanged for nothing at no major retail outlets near you. Don't mention Les Miles' 4th down calls in this game to an LSU fan right now, or they will attack the thing closest to them--i.e. you.

    6. Ohio State. Ran Illinois off the field in a 52-22 game that sadly cannot count for an Ohio State push toward the B1G Championship Game. The upside: OSU's ineligibility leaves the door open for "Indiana, B1G Leaders Division Champions." 2012 has just two months left to break your brain completely, and appears determined to do it.

    7. Georgia. Beat Ole Miss, 37-10, to all but clinch a trip to the Georgia Dome to be broken on the rack over four horrible hours by Alabama. Congratulations, Dawgs!

    8. Florida. The offensive MVP for Florida in a 14-7 stumbler against Mizzou: James Franklin, who threw four INTs for Mizzou. Every team needs a quarterback to contribute in order to win, but they never said whether that had to be your quarterback, or the other team's.

    9. Florida State. Bye week spent not thinking about this image once.

    10. Clemson. Beat Duke, 56-20, but Blue Devils fans swear they'll get you come basketball season. Clemson fans, in response, feverishly look up the meaning of "basketball season" in free online dictionaries.

    11. South Carolina. Bye week. Likely spent watching Spurrier critique old film of himself at Florida. "Man, rewind that PERFECT THROW I PITCHED IN THERE."

    12. Louisville. Q: How does a quarterback have a quiet five-touchdown day? A: By doing it in a routine, 45-17 scrimmage against Temple, and playing his game at noon on ESPNU. (Sorry, Teddy Bridgewater.)

    13. Oregon State. In-N-Out isn't an option after a 36-26 victory over Arizona State, since the closest one is 359 miles away in Redding, California.

    14. Oklahoma. Ames has swallowed better teams whole, so Bob Stoops will take a 35-20 win over Iowa State happily and tell you so in his voice, and not in that weird voice someone else dubbed over him in the AT&T commercial featuring the Sooners' coach.

    15. Stanford. Gave probable new starting quarterback Kevin Hogan plenty of reps in a 48-0 scrimmage over an intramural team from the University of Colorado.

    16. Texas A&M. 38-13 over Mississippi State has us all fondly remembering the solid twenty minutes of "But how will you compete in the SEC, Coach?" questions Kevin Sumlin answered at SEC Media Days.

    17. Mississippi State. 692 yards allowed to Texas A&M is pretty standard these days, but only 13 points against A&M's defense should make for some sad, pensive cowbell clanging in Starkville.

    18. USC. Hey, wideout Nelson Agholor had a breakout game, with six catches for 162 yards on the night. USC now has three world-class wide receivers, and tragically none of them can play defensive tackle or linebacker.

    19. Boise State. Lost, 21-19, to San Diego State, mostly because they were doing things like this all night. Boise has two kinds of years: BCS bowl years, or Las Vegas Bowl/Humanitarian Bowl years. We're looking at a firm lock on a Las Vegas/Humanitarian Bowl kind of year here.

    20. Texas Tech. Lost, 31-22, to Texas at home, and only gained 446 yards against the Longhorn defense while stalling out four times in the red zone.

    21. Nebraska. The scoreboard says 28-24 over Michigan State, and then Twitter says this regarding the officiating, but life is just gonna set this win on the counter over here, Nebraska. Take it, and run before a Michigan State mob catches your bus on the way to the airport.

    22. Louisiana Tech. 51-27 over UTSA, whose mascot is named "Rowdy the Roadrunner." This sounds both like a great symbol for UTSA, and an important witness in a federal drug trafficking trial.

    23. West Virginia. Lost, 39-38, to TCU in Morgantown. It may seem slightly brutal, but Gary Patterson had to go for two in double overtime to make this happen. This is actually really brutal, and was a setup to make you feel worse than you already do, Mountaineer fans. It's late and I'm cruel, and I am so sorry the twisted world made me this way.

    24. Arizona. Well, coming off that big win over USC Arizona seems poised for a OH MY LORD A 66-10 LOSS TO UCLA.

    25. UCLA. 66 points and more than 300 yards both on the ground and in the air can only mean one thing: an inexcusable loss lurking at Pullman next week. How, you ask? I have no idea, since UCLA should blow Wazzu off the map. But if I told you Bruins coaches were going to wear war paint on the sidelines this week against Arizona, well, you wouldn't have believed that either, and it totally happened.

    Watch SBNation's The Solid Verbal right now!

    Check the national college football scoreboard right here, and look through SB Nation's many excellent college football blogs to find your team's community.

    Check out the SB Nation Channel on YouTube

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  • 11/04/12--17:47: ALABAMA/LSU: FINISH HIM
  • Screen_shot_2012-11-04_at_8

    Sometimes you just have to resort to desperate measures to win a game. Fortunately, Alabama's totally fine with desperate measures, even if it means kicking their own heads through the goal posts, or relying on "passing" to win a football game. (Warning: MAY NOT REFLECT EVENTS AS THEY HAPPENED ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD.)

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    There's not much to say about Joker Phillips getting fired. The wheels came off with an audible pop at one clear point: the opening game against WKU in 2011, when Morgan Newton self-sacked himself, our seventh President dissed Kentucky live on national television, and suddenly the creeping sensation that Kentucky had suddenly forgotten how to play football took hold for the duration.

    That team still beat a Derek Dooley-coached Tennessee team to finish the year. The Pinewood Derby in the SEC East is run with at least three coaches pushing things that are not even cars down the ramp. Derek Dooley is using a shoe-skate. It made weight, and dammit, it'll do just fine.

    We do need to point out Mitch Barnhart's picture he included with his letter on the Kentucky athletics site. This is clearly his emo shot, stolen straight from his Tumblr page. There is a shot of a skinny woman posing with Steve Aoki below it on the timeline, and then an embedded Grizzly Bear track below that with "song 4 lonely nights" typed below it. It has autoplay music, and a Terry Richardson photo of John Calipari posing with Terry's molester glasses on and smiling.



    this is the worst day

    so bad my sensitive facebook photo

    is the only thing i have

    to show how much i hurt

    all over my body and heart


    but especially from my right side

    the side i look better from in photos


    (my sunglasses are also up on my head

    because i want you to see my eyes

    sincere moments are hard to have

    when you have sunglasses on

    put that shit

    on your head


    #leadership )



    because joker is a bro


    so chill

    so post-racial

    bro-ker phillips

    on the bass

    holding it down

    for hybrid heartland beatz

    but not football


    so sad

    gonna need a protein shake

    put my shades down

    talk to a new bro

    a bold bro

    a bro with a foot fetish

    and bold NFL flavors




    i luv u

    this song is 4 u


    requires a "singe" filter

    on my emotional photo



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    Lot a things a man can be sad about in this world. Not many a them worth a tear. No mascot's seen more terror than the haunted eyes of Pistol Pete, so we asked him what a man can cry about.

    1. When your prize whore goes a swimmin' in the great dirt lake on account of the Texan pox.

    2. If'n your favorite gun dies.

    3. Once every winter when the prairie wind blows past a cold lonely moon with the coyotes singin' a song a heartbreak and loneliness.

    4. Kin falls in well.

    5. The playin' a too much defense what offends the pioneer sensibilities of open range and freedom.

    6. Killin' a man for the first time, and first time only. Havin' to kill a man twice just gets to be irritatin', what with doin' the same job twice.

    7. If yer pa dies, but only if it was committed in the course of a land tussle.

    8. When you shoot the man what shot yer pa, but take care. Tears of rage only here.

    9. Ne'er between the ages of 15 and 55.

    10. After watchin' Moulin Rouge. Judge me if'n you wanna, stranger. I'm not prone to carin' about much. Painted ladies got the only copy of the map of a cowboy's heart.

    11. Stubbin' yer toe on a skull, particularly if it's Chief Running Bear's giant boulder of a noggin.

    12. Reachin' after a whiskey bottle a-floatin' down the stream after a wagon turns over in the ford and pullin' out a worthless child instead.

    13. When ridin' a short-legged mule whilst sufferin' from the piles.

    14. Gettin' weakling cityman's blood on yer fine shirt after shootin' another bastard from the bank.

    15. After receivin' The Good Lord's Salvation in a time of need. (Pistol Pete note; is laudanum administered after vicious horse kicking. It hurts, but it's better'n dead, which is what the horse if you do it right.)

    16. The city of Ames, Iowa. Naught but tears there for a man.

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