SPURRIER'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY: AN OUTLINE

AN EDSBS EXCLUSIVE

Today, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution revealed that Steve Spurrier is working on his autobiography with author Buddy Martin, with the finished product expected to be published in 2016. Few details were offered, so we worked our investigative journalism magic to get a hold of the proposal for what will undoubtedly be a fascinating tome. Exclusive to EDSBS, this is the outline of the autobiography.

Chapter 1: Satan Throws On First Down

A young Steve Spurrier struggles in childhood with his maverick talent in a backwoods Tennessee that believes passing the football causes warts, chillblains, impotence and strong thunderstorms. He buys a bike and is attacked by a racist bear. (Ten pages.)

Chapter 2: A Guy I Called A Nerd

Steve describes his interactions with a sad nerd at his high school who was bad at sports, and who never ever danced with a girl or won things like Steve did. Includes anecdotes of Steve being better at everything than the sad nerd, including sex, Christmas, and golf. (Fifty-seven pages.)

Chapter 3: When I Got Smarter Than Everyone Else And Moved to Florida

Steve tells the tale of his move to Florida for college, where everyone was smarter than the people in Tennessee, and where he could pass the ball like the good Lord intended him to.  Lengthy descriptions of the people of Tennessee and their football program highlighted by colorful hill people invective, his own family excepted. (Eight pages.)

Chapter 4: That Time I Kicked A Field Goal Better Than The Field Goal Kicker Could

Steve walks the reader through an electrifying account of the time he kicked a field goal to beat Auburn in 1966, and then segues to a number of other things Auburn is bad at that he does better than they could ever do. (105 pages.)

Chapter 5: Georgia Should Be Traded For A Bad Foreign Country That No One Can Spell

The Head Ball Coach reviews the world's geography to find a country Georgia is better than that we couldn't just trade for at the United Nations or wherever it is y'all do the country naming and placement around here. Failing to find one, he advocates for a bold policy of building a road over the state and ceding Augusta to South Carolina, which is really where it belongs anyway, stupid people who make maps and countries. He also notes that you should not put a Georgian on the committee to determine the country it will be traded for, since that would mean every country via not being able to spell properly. (Thirty-three pages.)

Chapter 6: I Still Show Up Once A Month To Beat Ray Goff Unconscious With A Putter

Self-explanatory title. (Forty-three single-spaced pages.)

Chapter 7: The Time I Wasn't Even Trying To Hurt Ray Goff But Ran Over Him With A Golf Cart

An interlude between the HBC and his nemesis at a golf club in Florida where Goff darts from the bushes and is broadsided by the coach's speeding golf cart. (28 pages.)

Chapter 8: The NFL Or Whatever That Was

A forthright and exhaustive discussion of Spurrier's time in the NFL, including his time with the winless 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. (Three pages/one glossy reproduction of a never before published nude photo of Spurrier taken by Robert Mapplethorpe.)

Chapter 9: The Waste Basket

Steve Spurrier shoots a paper wad into a waste basket in 1977 while looking for work. It was awesome. (Two pages.)

Chapter 10: The Time Pepper Rodgers And I Completely Reinvent The Game Of Football And Also This One Wedge Shot I Hit That Made Fuzzy Zoeller Tear Up A Little

Spurrier details the ins and outs of his football coaching education under Pepper Rodgers. A tale of the time he won twenty bucks on a chip shot and fistpumped and Fuzzy Zoeller cried like a little girl just watching him take his money. Steve drinks a beer. He laughs. (Nineteen pages.)

Chapter 11: The Tampa Bay Bandits

Steve recounts his time running a really awesome football team in the USFL, and reveals its business secret: no one was every paid for anything in money. Lee Corso beats him at a football game, but not golf. Spurrier points out all the other things Lee Corso sucks at, and that Steve Spurrier is good at, like having totally naturally brown hair late into middle age. (Forty pages.)

Chapter 12: Mack Brown Can Drink From My Bidet On Tuesdays

(410 pages.) (Of just this picture.)

Chapter 13: The Time I Took A Job Whipping Georgia's Ass Over And Over Again (And Other Games Florida Played)

Spurrier provides a unique perspective on his time at Florida only by chronicling his victories against Georgia; also, a stirring narrative about yet another time he severely injured Ray Goff with a golf cart, and drove away laughing. (94 pages.)

Chapter 14: Daniel Snyder Bought Me A Bigger Beach House

A charming tale of a man, a beach house, and how they are united at last. Several disconnected anecdotes about Jim Haslett smelling bad; a list of every other Washington head coach's record in recent history, and how they're all really just as bad or worse as his. A five dollar bill glued into every copy "for the haters". (Four pages.)

Chapter 15: I'm A Member At Augusta National and You're Not

A detailed description of Augusta National's locker room and amenities, including shoehorns Steve Spurrier doesn't even use, but has anyway. Spurrier defends the belly putter. (Fifty-one pages.)

Chapter 16: I Bailed Stephen Garcia Out Of Guantanamo Bay

His experiences resurrecting the South Carolina program, something he did and no one else has ever done, and never will again. Notes on Stephen Garcia, and on how easy it was to find replacement components for Connor Shaw in the Palmetto State's thriving black market for human parts. A picture showing how much taller he is than Nick Saban, and scorecards comparing their golf games. (Twenty-two pages.)

Chapter 17: Maps, appendices

Philip Fulmer's last known address and a list of all medicines, grasses, pet danders, and foods to which he has an allergic reaction; a photograph of Greedo from the Star Wars makeup trailer with "FUN AND GUN?" written on the back; a 1764 topographic map of the Tennessee River Gorge with several markings depicting the search for Peyton Manning's first win against Florida; recipe for YellaWood Chowder; photocopied contents of Bobby Bowden's wallet, circa January 1997.